


Prelude

by aMUSEment345



Series: Soundings [7]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Drama, F/M, Family, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2020-11-02 05:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 43
Words: 136,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20630033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aMUSEment345/pseuds/aMUSEment345
Summary: Explores what happened behind the scenes that resulted in JJ and Reid becoming best friends. 'Prelude' to the Soundings series. T for case references only.





	1. Chapter 1

_ **A.N. So, this one came about because I was watching a rerun of "Plain Sight", which is where Reid has that birthday cake with the candles that can't be blown out. The same episode where he asks JJ to the football game. It looked to me like a homemade cake, and I was wondering what would have moved JJ to decide to make it for him. From there, it became the 'Prelude' to the Soundings series.  
** _

_ **The story will interlace with canon, but not follow it strictly. It will focus mainly on JJ and Reid, but include all team members. And it will end where 'Her Voice' begins, after the rift between JJ and Reid that began season 7.** _

**Prelude  
**

**Chapter 1**

_He's so young. He makes me feel old, and I've only got two years on him. What is it? His face, yes. He looks about twelve. I don't think he's even got facial hair yet._

_Speaking of….his hair. When did that look go out of style? And his clothes! My grandfather wore clothes like that! And with a much better fit. He's so skinny, it looks like he's swimming in his pants. I don't think I've ever seen a belt cinched that tight. But, I'll bet, if he didn't, his pants would fall right off. His corduroy pants. I don't think they even sell them anymore, except at thrift shops._

_Aha, that's it! He looks like a thrift shop model! Or like my grandfather, posing as a thrift shop model._

JJ was sitting in her liaison's office and watching the newest member of the BAU team. Tragically, the team was being reconstituted after the loss of six FBI agents, including two from the BAU, in an unsub-devised explosion in Boston. This particular agent had been hand-picked and cultivated by Jason Gideon, the current guru of the team. He'd been in the pipeline for a while, stalled by an inability to get through the physical and weaponry aspects of training. Rumor was, an exception had been made for the young man. As Gideon had said in his preparatory remarks to the team, _this_ member's primary weapon would be his intellect.

"_A genius," Gideon said. IQ of 187. Eidetic memory. Stupid me, I had to look up 'eidetic'. And I looked in the 'I's first! I probably won't even be able to understand him. I'll just feel stupid if he talks to me. Maybe I can just text. After all, he's supposed to read twenty thousand words a minute._

Aaron Hotchner walked by on his way to the round table room and signaled JJ that it was time to start.

_Oh, well. Can't avoid it forever. _

She picked up the case folders that she would soon distribute to the team and followed him. While Gideon was ostensibly still the unit leader, everyone knew that Hotch was now in charge. Gideon just hadn't been the same since Boston. And, even before that, he'd been starting to unravel.

As its members gradually assembled in the conference room, Hotch took stock of them, one by one.

Morgan. Traumatized by having missed the mission in Boston, almost as much as he would have been if he'd made it there. The African-American profiler had been on his annual leave to Chicago, to celebrate his mother's birthday. Hotch knew he'd been cursing himself for not having been at his teammates' side in Massachusetts. Explosives were one of his specialties. Perhaps he would have been able to detect the risk. But Hotch knew that it wasn't the detection of explosives that had gone wrong. It was the profile. And the knowledge of that fact was what had so derailed Gideon.

Elle. On loan from the Human Trafficking unit, specializing in crimes of sexual assault. Hotch knew Elle was anxious about joining the BAU permanently. But she came with a history. She'd been aggressive with suspects in the past, seeming to personalize her anger about their purported crimes. There were red flags in her folder. She brought expertise to the unit, but she would bear watching.

Spencer Reid. The newest 'member' of the team, although Hotch still had trouble absorbing the fact that this….teenager, to look at him….was now an official part of the FBI's esteemed Behavioral Analysis Unit. Such was the influence of Jason Gideon.

He watched as their unit liaison, Jennifer Jareau, entered the room, carrying a case folder for each of the others. Here was confidence, and competence. JJ was very good at what she did, and she knew it.

"We've got a woman missing in Seattle. After three bodies …"

* * *

To Seattle and back, and the days had gone by in a flash. As had the day and a half since the rest of the team had returned. But now they were on their way back out and JJ was holed up once again with Garcia. The two women had formed an unlikely friendship during their BAU-based vigils for the team. The events in Boston had forged their bond in the literal fire of the building that had consumed so many of their colleagues.

"Not that I wouldn't miss you, Jayje….but they really need to take you with them. I think they could use you in the field, don't you?"

The current case was already sensational. Fires on a college campus, killing students. All the major news media had picked it up quickly.

"I don't know, Pen. It never came up with Gideon. I used to assume he just thought I could manage it from here, but…."

"But you figured out he never even thought about you at all." Garcia respected Gideon's work, but she had a much harder time with his personality. "But Hotch is different. He'll see it. You should get a go bag ready, because I'm pretty sure he'll be bringing you along on the next case."

JJ considered her friend's statement. _She might be right._ The change in team dynamics during Gideon's post-traumatic leave had been a good one, she thought. Aaron Hotchner was far less hierarchical and much more collegial. He just might do as Garcia predicted.

Penelope wasn't done with her subject. She'd felt the change in the team dynamic as well, even though she serviced several teams with her technological prowess.

"Hotch seems…..serious…..but he's more approachable than Gideon, isn't he? At least…"

"At least to women," JJ finished. They'd both noticed it. Gideon barely spoke to any of the women within the BAU, and he only conversed with female law enforcement when the case demanded it.

"Except for victims. He talks to them…..but it's almost as though he's detached, as though he's studying them, you know?" JJ had seen it on a few occasions when the case had been local enough for her to take part. "It's not like he seems to really care…"

"You don't think he does?" Gideon had the reputation of having gone against protocol for the sake of a victim now and then.

"I don't know. I'm probably just going all 'Psych 101', but it just feels like he does it for how it makes _him_ feel. That it's not really about _them_ at all." JJ shook herself and laughed. "Don't mind me. I'm not supposed to be psychoanalyzing my boss. It's just that it's hard to get to know him."

"Exactly. He seems to do a little better with Hotch and Morgan, doesn't he? But the only one he seems to really care about is his little protégé that he brought back with him."

"You mean Reid."

"Yeah. I heard Gideon had to get him a waiver on most of the graduation check-off for the Academy. He's supposed to be a genius, and you know how 'all intellectual' Gideon is…so he fought for him. But he is kind of a cutie, isn't he? In a lost puppy sort of way, I mean."

JJ laughed. The analogy had occurred to her as well.

"He is. And he idolizes Gideon. But…." JJ had seen something in the dynamic that troubled her.

"But?"

"But I can't help worrying that Gideon will turn on him someday. That he'll kick his little puppy in the teeth. And Reid won't even see it coming. He won't know enough to get himself ready, or to get out of the way."

* * *

When the rest of the team returned from Arizona, JJ thought she picked up a new lift in Reid's step. And he actually made proactive eye contact with her a few times. It was a pretty remarkable change, and she mentioned it to Elle.

"He seems perky, doesn't he?" She tilted her head in the direction of the coffee bay, where Reid was refilling his cup.

"You mean from something besides all that caffeine?" His affinity for the dark liquid was already becoming legendary among his teammates.

JJ chuckled. "He just seems….different. Energized. A little more confident, maybe. Is he settling into things in the field?"

Elle looked back and forth between JJ and Reid. She was too new to the team herself to have gotten to know the blonde liaison well. She couldn't quite read whether JJ's interest was purely professional, or not. But she saw the same thing JJ did, and thought she knew why.

"Too soon to tell. He's still pretty skittish, still looking to Gideon for direction. But that paid off for him this time. Gideon gave him some advice, and he followed it…and figured out the unsub's compulsion. It was enough for us to break the case."

The team in the field had communicated mostly with Garcia this time, so this was the first JJ was hearing of Reid's prominent role in the process.

"Ah. That explains it." She smiled, happy for him. "Nothing like success to breed confidence."

Elle flashed her a look. "Nothing like it."

Later, as he was packing up for the day, JJ passed him as she came down from her office on her way to the elevators. They were the only two left in the bullpen.

"Hey."

He whipped his head around, and blushed when he realized she was talking to him. "Hi, JJ."

"You walking out?"

"Out? Oh, yeah." He dropped two books that he'd been trying to stuff into his bag, flustered. JJ bent to pick one up and handed it to him, which flustered him even more. He dropped it again.

She tried to make a joke of it. "I think you're going to have to limit yourself to eleven cups of coffee a day, Spence."

"Actually, any caffeine level over 600 milligrams a day can cause tremors. There are 95 milligrams in an eight ounce cup of coffee, but most coffee shops up the concentration, so we can assume there are about 120 milligrams in eight ounces. But I usually get a 12 ounce cup on my way in, which would make it 180 milligrams. So I'd only need four to five more cups to get tremulous. So cutting back to eleven wouldn't really have any effect."

It was the only time he was fluent around her, when he was reciting some random, obscure factoid and riffing on it. Any attempt at normal conversation, any small talk, anything remotely personal, was met with stuttering, or mumbling…..or transformed into another occasion for rambling on yet another random, obscure factoid.

When he did it with his other teammates, it became a cause of annoyance and, sometimes, teasing. And he was usually defenseless before it. He couldn't understand the context of a joke, or gentle ribbing, and usually became embarrassed that he'd done something wrong. And that would immediately silence him.

JJ felt sorry for him. He was, as Garcia had said, like a little lost puppy. He didn't know his surroundings, and he struggled to understand people and their behaviors. He certainly seemed lost with anything that approached popular culture. As young as she was herself, JJ found a maternal instinct rising within. He needed protection, and encouragement. She would do her best to provide both.

"Oh. Okay, then, forget about the coffee."

She helped him put the rest of the things in his bag and then linked her arm with his as she led them toward the elevator. She could feel him stiffen under her grasp, but decided not to release him. He was just going to have to get used to it. If she was going to help him, he was going to have to let her, whether he knew it or not.

"I just wanted to tell you that I heard what you did in Arizona, how you figured it out. It sounds like you helped save those kids' lives, Spence."

"Oh. Really? You think so?" His blush had deepened, and his fingers were anxiously tapping against the strap of his bag. They rode the entire trip down in the elevator in silence, and entered the parking lot the same way. As she turned in the direction of her car, JJ said, "Have a good night, Spence."

He still had trouble getting it out. "Thanks. You too."

She started away, but turned back when she heard him call her name. He was still standing in the same spot, watching her. "JJ? Thanks."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

'_Spence'._

_Not 'Spencer', nor 'Reid', like the others. She calls me 'Spence._'

He was sitting in his favorite reading chair, suffering an increasingly less rare lapse in concentration.

He'd never had a nickname before. Literally. To his mother, he was always 'Spencer'. That was how he'd been introduced to every teacher, and what he was called by anyone who bothered to utter his name all through school. And his father had called him 'Spencer' as well, until he'd stopped calling him anything at all.

He'd not known what to make of it the first time JJ had done it. _Does it mean she likes me? Is it affectionate? Or is it that she can't be bothered saying my full name?_ But, really, she'd been nothing but nice to him. _It has to be a good thing. Right?_

And she'd complimented him on his contribution in Arizona. It had been the first time he'd felt like he'd actually been a useful part of the team, and it had thrilled him_. It wasn't just about what I know, or how fast I can absorb new material. I had to think. Gideon was right. He told me to think out of the box, and I did. And it worked!_

He'd had to put the pieces together in a way that was foreign to him. And he'd loved it. When you had a brain as powerful as Reid's, it was hard to find ways to stretch it, to offer it the challenge it craved. But this had done it. This noticing of intricate detail, and assuming the mindset of someone struggling with an obsession. _I think it could be dangerous to do that on a regular basis, but it sure is an interesting exercise._

Gideon wasn't the only one who'd congratulated him on it. Hotch had said "Good work, Reid." And even Morgan had given him a pat on the back. "You just might work out after all, Kid." A literally backhanded compliment but, coming from Morgan, a major breakthrough. The senior profiler usually just seemed annoyed by Reid, and especially so when the young genius tried to share some of his prolific knowledge. _He always thinks I'm trying to show him up. He doesn't see that it's all I've been able to offer….until now._

Morgan's size, and his ability to be intimidating, combined with his obvious annoyance, had all put Reid's self-preservation antennae on high alert. This was what every bully he'd ever met had looked like, just before he met their fists, or the soles of their feet. If not for the fact that they were teammates, Reid would have avoided Morgan at all costs. Now, he saw, maybe there was the possibility of winning him over. _Or maybe I just need to realize that someone can dislike me without feeling the need to beat me up._

Apparently, someone on the team had thought enough of his contribution in Arizona to comment on it to JJ and Garcia. _How else would she have known?_ He found himself getting a little fluffed with pride at JJ's admiration of his work. He decided to close his book and bring that final thought with him to his dreams tonight.

* * *

"Madame Penelope sees all, knows all." She was celebrating the fact that she'd been right. The team was about to head to Florida for a case involving the delivery of bombs to seemingly innocent citizens. It was sensational, and had garnered wide news coverage already, including with the foreign press. This time, Hotch wanted JJ in the field with them.

"Yeah, well, let's just hope it goes well. Otherwise, I'm sure Gideon will see to it that it's my first and last time on the jet."

"You'll be great. Remember, Madame Penelope knows." She tapped her temple. "Go get 'em, Girl. Knock 'em dead."

JJ gave her a raised brow look.

"What? Oh, right. Somebody else is already doing that. Well, you know what I mean."

JJ relented with a laugh. "I know what you mean. Thanks, Garcia."

* * *

JJ had never been on the jet before, and wasn't sure if there was a protocol about who sat where. So she planned to be the last to board, and would let the others find their places first. But Reid interfered with that plan.

"Ladies first." He was standing behind her on the tarmac.

"Oh, that's all right, Spence."

Even though he'd started the conversation, he was now blushing deeply at the fact that she'd spoken to him. But he held his ground. "My mother always told me that chivalry was a lost art. Ladies first."

_It wouldn't hurt to confess to Spence, would it?_ He was the least intimidating member of the traveling team.

"It's just that I don't know where I'm supposed to go. You know, where I'm supposed to sit. Is there a usual arrangement?"

He was surprised. JJ always looked so confident. And here she was, expressing her uncertainty. _And to me. _Glad to be the one offering assurance for a change, he responded. "There's no assigned seating. We all just kind of gather in the middle so we can discuss the case. If one of us needs to be on the phone…and that's usually Hotch….we just move away a little."

_Whew!_ "So maybe I should sit on the end. I'm sure I'll be talking to Florida about how we'll handle the media."

"Good idea."

He just stood there, waiting, until she remembered.

"Oh, right, ladies first. Thanks, Spence."

* * *

The case threw them an eerie implication. The bombs being sent contained signature ingredients. The signature of the man responsible for the bombing in Boston, the one where Gideon had lost most of his team.

That bomber, Adrian Bale, was now in a federal prison, but his copycat was killing people in Florida. They needed to interview Bale to get a better sense of how their new unsub might be thinking and, most importantly, how to disarm the bombs. But Bale knew he held the cards now. He would have some fun with this. He would speak only with Jason Gideon.

When the demand came, all eyes turned in the senior FBI man's direction. He was staring forward, but, Reid knew, looking inward. What he saw when he did, only Gideon could know. The young profiler looked to Hotch for _his _reaction, confident that the putative unit chief would know what to do.

"You don't need to do this, Jason. We'll find another way."

Gideon continued to stare for a long moment before responding.

"There is no other way. Innocent people are being targeted. I can't let it go on. Tell them I'm on my way."

He got up and strode quickly from the room.

The others looked around at one another, concerned. JJ's eyes settled on Reid.

He looked so lost. His eyes had followed Gideon out of the room, wide, worried, troubled. JJ felt herself drawn to him. Her natural inclination, and her time as the unit's liaison, working with so many families in crisis, pushed her to try to comfort him in some way. JJ walked over to Reid.

"You're worried about him," she observed.

He panicked. He was used to conducting most of his team business, and his conversation, through Gideon. And now his teammate seemed to want to talk to him _about_ Gideon. And it was _JJ_. And she was _beautiful._ And she was _talking to him_. There was a reason he always reacted around her. In Reid's past, such conversations with beautiful females had only led to humiliation.

And besides, he felt protective of Gideon. His mentor had been through much in his life. He'd told Spencer that, if you got to be his age, there was no chance you wouldn't have lived through a lot of things. But, Reid knew, one of those things….the thing in Boston….was recent, and unprecedented, and devastating. He felt like he needed to protect his mentor from idle conjecture, even if it came from the beautiful Jennifer Jareau.

"What? No, I'm not worried about him. Why would I be worried about him?" It took a look from JJ for Reid to realize that he'd over-answered.

"It's all right to care, Spence."

It annoyed him, this trait that he knew he possessed. But he got snarky and defensive whenever he felt uncertain, or challenged. And, beauty or not, it surfaced now.

"I know it's all right to care. I'm just saying that there's nothing wrong with him. You don't need to worry about him." _I will._

JJ studied her colleague for a moment, considering her response. If the comment had come from Elle, she might have cut her some slack. She was new and, virtually auditioning to be on the team. If it had been Morgan, or even Hotch, she'd have parried the remark. But with Reid, it would have felt like slapping a child. She couldn't bring herself to argue the point with him.

"I'm just saying that it would be understandable. He's been through something very difficult lately….and you're very close to him. It would be perfectly understandable that you'd be worried. It doesn't mean that I doubt him, Spence. It just means that I would get it if you cared."

Oops. This encounter with a beautiful woman wasn't going a whole lot better than the prior ones had, but in a totally different way._ Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Or to find someone who's as weird as I am._

"Oh. Okay, thanks." He spun on his heel and walked off quickly, before he would have to engage in full out conversation with her.

JJ just followed him with her eyes. Inexplicably, she was finding a soft spot in her heart for this awkward young man, who cared so much, and was so afraid to show it.

* * *

The case had clearly taken its toll on Gideon, but it had ended favorably. They'd been able to save the final potential victim only because Gideon had correctly read the Boston bomber, and known not to trust his instructions on disarming the bomb.

Reid had been holding his breath, both virtually and literally, and praying to a God he didn't believe in, that his mentor would have success in this particular profile. He hoped it would bring back some of the confidence lost in Boston. As they walked on the tarmac toward the plane, Reid started to babble his excitement to Gideon, feeling almost as though a celebration was in order.…and was abruptly shut down.

"Innocent people died here, Spencer. And a maniac bred another one just like him. Keep that in mind the next time you want to have a party after a case."

JJ had been walking a few feet abreast of them, and heard Gideon's remark. She knew it came from the man's frustration at being manipulated by the man who'd taken most of his former team. But she also saw the effect it had on Reid. The younger man physically flinched at the barb that had been aimed at him.

Once they were in the air, she made a point of finding him in the rear of the plane, where he'd removed himself from the others. She took the seat across from him, and waited for him to look up at her. By the time he did, a blush was creeping up his neck.

"I notice you haven't turned a page for the past 30 seconds. Aren't you supposed to be able to read ten thousand words a minute?" JJ knew a bit about behavior too. She'd purposely gotten the number wrong, hoping to provoke an answer.

He made brief eye contact, then looked toward the window.

"Twenty." He'd mumbled it.

"What did you say?"

"Twenty. I read twenty thousand words a minute."

JJ's brows went up, and then she gave him a look of incredulity. "Twenty thousand…how do you do that? How do you process it enough to remember it?"

He launched into what proved to be a lengthy treatise on the process of speed reading, that ended with, "But that's not what I do."

JJ just looked at him, bemused. "Spence, you just gave me a mini-module on speed reading….and now you're telling me it's not what you do? Why did you bother?"

He looked confused. "Well, you asked, and I thought you might be interested."

She had to study him to decide if he was kidding her or not, coming down on the side of 'not'. _He really just loves knowledge, and thinks the rest of us do, too. Which, I guess, we should. But, still…_

She decided she'd better get to the point before he found another seminar topic.

"I just came by to tell you not to pay too much attention to Gideon. Well, not exactly that, that's not what I meant. It's just that I heard what he said to you on the way to the jet. And I know you were just happy that things turned out better for him this time. He'll figure that out, too. He's just angry that he had to deal with Bale again, that's all. He'll appreciate that you're happy for him."

The blush had deepened. Reid was embarrassed, both by having been chastised by Gideon, and by the fact that she'd overheard. The snarkiness threatened to emerge again, but he battled it back down.

"I wasn't thinking, I guess. I should have known. I should have understood." He shook his head, still staring out the window. "I'm just not good at this stuff."

She didn't know why that brought a smile, but it did. "What 'stuff'?"

He waved his hand in the direction of the others. "People. Talking. Understanding feelings. I'm not good at it."

She made a face at him now. "You're not good at people?"

He wished he could totally fold in upon himself and blend in with the leather of the seat. He couldn't very well run away from her on the jet. He'd have to find a way to the other end of this conversation if it killed him. And he truly believed it might.

"Spence?" She saw his dilemma, but didn't understand the depth of it. JJ reached across and touched his knee. She felt the flinch immediately. "Spence? What did you mean, you're not good at people?"

When it finally came out, it was a virtual explosion of speech. "I meant, I'm not good at reading feelings, or expressions. I have a wealth of knowledge in my head, and it's always been good enough to get me ahead…in school, even in the FBI. But it's never helped me with people. I only know how to talk about facts, I don't know anything about feelings."

JJ had been bent forward, trying without success to engage him in eye contact. Even without it, she could see the expression on his face. He'd not intended to let it out like that. Never intended to admit it to anyone. She watched him shake his head, disgusted with himself.

JJ sat up and leaned back against the headrest, sensing his need for more distance, and giving it to him. His gaze was cast out the window, where he snuck an occasional glance at her reflection. She sat, watching him, a sad smile slowly emerging on her face.

"I don't know about that, Spence. I think you know a lot about feelings." She cast _her_ eyes out the window now too, catching his in the reflection. He didn't look away this time. It felt safer, somehow, meeting in the ether eight miles high.

Knowing she had his attention, she continued. "You were worried about Gideon because you knew how much he'd been hurt by Boston, and you knew meeting with Bale would bring it all back. And you were happy for him when this case turned out better, and you thought he'd be happy too." _And he would have been, if he wasn't Gideon._

"But I was wrong. I completely didn't understand it. That's what I mean. I mean, the rest of you seemed to understand. Why do I always get it wrong?"

No blushing now. His mind wasn't on JJ's beauty or the fact that she was speaking to him. Here was someone who might be able to _help_ him understand, and he so desperately wanted that. Reid was earnestly listening for her response now.

JJ felt the connection between them change. She leaned forward again, drawing him to meet her.

"You didn't get it wrong, Spence. Gideon did." She saw a look of protest cross his face, as she had just humanized his idol. She needed to clarify. "He made a mistake, Spence. Understandably. He's still upset about Boston, and this hit too close to home. But he shouldn't have lashed out at you. That was wrong. And _you_ shouldn't be ashamed that you care. You do, right? You care about Gideon."

He looked away again. This time, JJ noticed that his gaze, and his mind, were many miles, and maybe years, away.

"Spence?"

He swallowed. "Gideon saved me."


	3. Chapter 3

**Prelude**

**Chapter 3**

"Gideon saved you? When?"

_How does she do that? How does she get me to say things like that?_

He felt trapped by his own admission. He'd been trying to find a way to get beyond this conversation. He'd even been mentally trying to get the plane to fly faster, so they could land. But somehow she'd penetrated. And now he was in precisely the situation he'd been so assiduously trying to avoid.

Reid felt like he was in another dimension. Here was a beautiful woman, treating him with kindness, seemingly interested in what he had to say. Even, seemingly, interested in what he was feeling. Interested in _him_. It was a completely foreign experience. And he didn't trust it. JJ may have looked innocuous, but Reid couldn't allow himself to believe that she actually was. He'd been hurt too badly, and too often. His defenses fell back into place, and he clammed up.

"Spence?"

JJ watched the fascinating transformation taking place before her. The eyes became filmed over, deadened.

"Spence? What did you mean when you said…"

"I didn't mean anything, all right? Do you mind, JJ? I'd like to get some reading done."

She felt like she'd been slapped. Here, she'd been trying to reach out to him, to acknowledge that he'd been hurt by his mentor….and he'd lashed out at her. JJ's first, natural reaction was to recoil, and put up her own shield. _Well, if that's how you feel about it….you can just stew. I didn't need to come and talk to you, and I'm certainly not going to stay and be abused._

But she was too skilled at reading people. She'd come too close to home for Reid, she could sense it. He wasn't used to sharing. In fact, she couldn't remember him ever sharing anything that didn't have to do with facts, or statistics. _He's afraid. But why doesn't he trust me?_ _More to the point, why do I care?_

She rose and, with a "Sorry I bothered you. I'll let you read," she moved back toward the center of the cabin and took a seat. Before anyone could strike up a conversation with her, JJ closed her eyes, seeking the solitude of feigned sleep. She needed to puzzle this through. Reid was unlike anyone she'd ever known. And, for some reason, she couldn't leave him to wallow in his own misery.

She'd always been popular. Not particularly outgoing, but friendly, supportive, the kind of girl most of the others in school felt they could talk to. But also beautiful, smart and athletic. She might have come perilously close to becoming a 'mean girl', if not for the loss of her sister. That one, devastating, childhood event had made her incapable of turning a deaf ear to anyone in need. It was, she'd often thought, why being a liaison to traumatized victims and families had seemed such a natural step for her. And it was why she couldn't leave her colleague standing outside the circle of their BAU team.

_I think I'm going to have to make you my personal project, Spencer Reid._

* * *

_You idiot. She was only trying to be nice to you. And you practically threw it in her face. I wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to you again. Why should she?_

The man in Reid's mirror was disgusted with what he saw.

_Why do you always make such a mess of things? You are exactly the screw up they all say you are._

Reid tried to stare down his own image, but gave up. He couldn't look at himself anymore.

_You thought it would be different here. You thought you could start over, wipe the slate clean. No one would know you. No one would know how awkward you are. You could be someone different. But you can't, can you? You are who you are. You always will be. Live with it._

Reid lay down on his bed, not even trying to sleep. It felt like he'd made a fatal mistake. Like he'd had this one chance to turn things around….and he'd blown it. Again. But there _was_ something different about this time. Every other night like this, he'd been kept awake thinking about how much _he'd _been hurt. But not this time. This time, what was keeping him awake was guilt. This time, he lost sleep worrying about how much _he_ might have hurt _her_. He wouldn't realize it for a long time to come. But someone had finally been able to draw him out of himself.

_Jennifer Jareau._

* * *

JJ brought her coffee into Garcia's lair for some girl talk before the morning meeting.

"So, Morgan did great analyzing that bomb, Pen. If he hadn't figured it out, I don't think the case would have ended as well as it did."

Morgan had remained behind with Garcia to work on deciphering what the construction of the bomb could tell them about the unsub. With the tech analyst's help, he'd correctly identified the connection with the Boston bomber.

"That's my Mocha Man. I could tell it was getting to him, the connection with Boston, so thank God he was able to make a contribution to resolving things." She twirled in her chair to face JJ. "What about Gideon? Did it affect him?"

The question brought JJ back to the tarmac and then to the conversation with Reid on the plane.

"It did. Not that he would say…..but you know how he gets. I thought he was going to bite Reid's head off just because Spence was happy for him that the case worked out."

"Oh, no….not our gentle genius! Poor Reid." Even Garcia knew how much he idolized Gideon. And she knew from personal experience how cutting Gideon could be.

"Yes, our gentle genius. And then _he_ turned around and tried to bite _my_ head off for trying to cheer him up."

"Sounds like a fun trip. Are you sorry you went?"

JJ had to think for a minute. "No. No, of course not. But I didn't understand why Spence was so angry with me for trying to be nice to him. He started to talk to me, and then he completely shut me down."

"He _is_ a little hard to get to know. But…."

Garcia flattened her lips, trying to decide. But it was JJ. Of course she could tell her.

"Okay, just….. don't let this slip, but….I may have looked into his personnel folder….a little."

"Penelope!"

"All right, well…..if you don't want to know…."

The two of them just looked at each other for a full ten seconds before JJ caved.

"Oh, all right. What did you find out?" If Reid was going to be her special project, she had to do proper research….right?

Garcia smiled a conspiratorial grin at her good friend as her fingers flew on the keyboard.

"Okay. Here we are. There's not all that much. His name, his date of birth…which is…."

JJ was looking over her shoulder. "Tomorrow! He'll be twenty-four tomorrow. Hmmm…"

Garcia was continuing. "His parents…..looks like different addresses, they must be divorced…his college…..and another one….and another….. Looks like a long list of publications, all from college. And then his FBI Academy transcript. Which looks like…oh, wow, how did they ever let him graduate?!"

"By exception. Even Spence admits it. He's almost proud, I think, that he got through it at all."

"Well, thank God they don't make technical analysts go through it, or I wouldn't be here. I'm with Reid on that."

"What else is there, Pen?" Thinking about Reid's statement, '_Gideon saved me'_.

"Not much. On a timeline, it looks like he was born and raised in Vegas, then went to Cal Tech in…..oh, my God. He was only like….._twelve_…when he went to Cal Tech. Twelve, and in college! And then he moved around for his doctorates. But I can't tell what got him into the FBI. Just that Gideon was his 'FBI contact'."

"But it doesn't say anything about how they met? Or how Gideon found him?"

"Nothing."

"What about prior employment? He had to pay all those tuitions somehow."

"Ah, you know, Jayje. When they're that smart, the schools will pay _them_ to attend. And no, I don't see any prior employment on here. It's like he just hatched from a university."

"Twenty four years ago tomorrow."

Garcia looked up to see the smile on JJ's face. "Twenty four years ago tomorrow. Why do I think there's going to be a celebration?"

* * *

It was late afternoon, and she was buried in files. So much evil out there, so many cases begging for attention. Despite the beginnings of a headache, JJ was determined to plow through everything on her desk before leaving for the day. She was so completely focused on the task at hand that she barely heard the gentle knock on her office door until it was repeated a third time.

She looked up to see Reid's head extending into her doorway, the rest of him obviously out in the hall.

"Spence, hi."

"Hello." He hadn't changed position, apparently waiting for an invitation.

"What can I do for you?"

"Um…."

She couldn't help but remember being dismissed yesterday. But she also remembered his obvious discomfort. JJ relented.

"Would you like to come in?"

"Uh, okay, sure." He moved so that his entire body was in her office….but just barely. JJ recognized the position. He was making sure he could bolt, if he needed to.

"I won't bite, Spence. You can come all the way in. Was there something you wanted?"

The blush had been there even before she looked up at him. Now he was turning almost a deep purple.

"Uh…I…..well…I…..I'm sorry."

She took it in, took _him_ in. "You're sorry?"

Apparently he was going to have to spell it out. "For snapping at you yesterday. I'm sorry. You were trying to be nice, and I wasn't gracious. I'm sorry."

He'd been stewing about it all day. He knew he should apologize, but….it was such an alien position for him to be in. He was usually the injured party, and most of those who'd injured him hadn't bothered to apologize. But last night's conversation with himself had proven fruitful. He couldn't keep moving on to new frontiers, hoping to leave the awkward relationships behind. At some point he had to make a stand, and try to make the relationships work. _And it may as well be here, and now_. So, he'd concluded, he had no choice. He would have to apologize to the beautiful and unapproachable Jennifer Jareau.

Except that she _was_ approachable. Always. _Now._ He'd knocked, and she'd invited him in. He had to do it . He had to apologize. And then….it was behind him. He'd done it. He'd gotten the words out. And she hadn't looked angry. Hadn't laughed. He waited now, for her response, hoping she couldn't see that he was cringing inside.

"Not a problem, Spence. It was a long day for all of us. And you were obviously trying to go off by yourself to read. I shouldn't have intruded."

It was out before he had a chance to check it. "Yes, you should have. You were trying to be nice to me. And I should have thanked you for it instead of giving you a hard time." _'You should have'? Really, Spencer?_

JJ was becoming skilled at reading her colleague's face. _It's not very hard, he wears everything on it._

"You're welcome." She smiled at him, and a word flashed into his mind…._sunshine_.

Her smile brought his. And an overwhelming sense of relief threatened to turn his legs to jelly. He leaned on the doorjamb to hold himself up.

"Thanks. I guess I'd better be going now. Are you walking out?"

Amazed at the words coming out of his mouth, considering how befuddled he'd gotten when she'd said the same to him a few days ago. Then disappointed at her answer.

She waved at her desk. "I've got to get through these before I leave, Spence. But you have a good night, okay?"

He almost offered to read them for her. It would only have taken him a few minutes. But he didn't want to imply that he could do her work better than she could. _Especially since I couldn't. Faster maybe, but not better._

Instead, he simply responded, "Okay." Then he turned, awkwardly, to leave.

"Good night, Spence. Sweet dreams."

_Indeed._

* * *

He might have forgotten, if not for the card. He'd placed it right next to the coffeemaker after culling it from the prior day's mail. He hadn't even needed to look at the return address. His mother's shaky scrawl was as good as a trademark.

He opened it, knowing exactly what to expect. And he wasn't disappointed.

'_Dearest Spencer,_

_Twenty four years ago today was the happiest day of my life. My son was born, and I became a mother. It is the most worthy calling for any woman. You are my mark on the world, and I am so very proud of you. Thank you, Spencer._

_With all my Love,_

_Your Mother'_

She wrote virtually the same thing every year. But Reid knew the secret. She didn't write it in October. Not unless that was when the clarity hit. Dr. Norman had told him during one of his visits.

"There are a few times a year when she's clear…_really_ clear. And we always know when those days are, because the first thing she does is to demand to go to the gift shop, to select a card for her son. She writes it that very day, and then hands it to me. I'm to mail it three days before your birthday."

The psychiatrist had smiled, thinking Reid would be happy to hear that his mother's first thoughts upon emerging from her schizophrenic fog were of him. Reid _had_ found the idea comforting. But he'd been distressed over the other implication. That she knew. That she realized her plight. That she knew she had to make the most of her lucid moments because they were so preciously fleeting. That, in those lucid moments, she had time to dread the return to the nightmare. In Reid's mind, the words 'courage' and 'mother' had become synonymous.

He smiled as he put the card on display on his kitchen table. "Thanks, Mom." He would call Bennington after work, and thank her again.

Twenty four years. Almost a quarter of a century. _Sounds old when I say it like that. And sometimes, I feel old_. But sometimes….

He remembered his exchange with JJ yesterday afternoon. His eidetic memory allowed him to relive the moment in detail. Of course, it also allowed him to relive the moments on the plane, and the exchange with Gideon, and every other negative interaction he'd ever had. Far too many times he'd allowed himself to become caught up in the vicious cycle. This time, he interrupted it.

_Stop it. Why do you always have to focus on the negative?_ But he knew the answer. It came from eighteen years of living with paranoia. And from the many times when his classmates saw to it that his worst nightmares actually did come true. _But you're not there anymore, Spencer. Maybe these people really are good. She didn't try to hurt you, did she? She only tried to help you. Maybe things can be different now._

He wanted so badly to believe it. He wanted to trust. It sapped all of his energy, being constantly on alert for the next attack. He wanted to let it go. And, for the first time, he thought it just might be possible.

* * *

The morning meeting wouldn't happen for at least an hour, so Reid settled in at his desk to work through some reports. He hadn't mentioned his birthday to anyone, so he expected the day to pass quietly….or as quietly as a day passed, when one spent it chasing serial killers.

So he was caught completely off guard when he was thrust forward in his seat as something was shoved onto his head. It came down over his eyes, and he couldn't see.

"Happy Birthday, Kid!" Morgan's voice came from behind him, and seemed to be holding the object on his head.

"Happy Birthday, Reid!" Elle and Garcia, also behind him.

"Happy Birthday, Spence!"

He knew he was surrounded when he heard JJ's voice right beside him. Then Morgan lifted the object...a birthday cake hat...higher on his head, and he could see that she'd laid a homemade cake on the desk in front of him. It said, 'Happy Birthday, Reid!' And it had chocolate frosting. His favorite.

They sang a strange sort of abbreviated 'Happy Birthday' to him, and then Morgan started urging him to blow out the candles. Reid tried to oblige, and started huffing and puffing….all to no avail. He took deeper breaths, and tried stronger exhalations….no good. While the others laughed, JJ took pity.

"They're trick candles, Spence. They'll keep relighting, no matter how many times you blow them out."

He was huffing too hard to hear her. She tried explaining again, but then just reached around him and took the cake away. Reid saw a break in the perimeter and exited, walking quickly over to where Hotch and Gideon were leaning near the window.

Reid's eyes went to the hat on his head. "Can I take this off?"

"I wouldn't." The moody Gideon was having a good day. On his good days, he was benevolent, and Reid relished it. "Are you having fun?"

"Yeah. Loads." Sarcastic eyes on the hat again, memory on the trick with the candles. Reid turned when he heard his name.

"Spence! First piece for the birthday boy!" She was holding a plate out toward him. Now his memory erased the candle trick, and focused only on the homemade cake. It had read, 'Happy Birthday, Reid!'. Not 'Spence'. Not only from her, to him. _Made_ by her….but from all of them.

Gideon nodded in JJ's direction. "Go ahead. It's your party."

Indeed it was. The first birthday party he could remember that was attended by anyone other than his mother and himself.

Reid started to obey, but turned back to add, "Do you know she's the only one in the whole world who calls me Spence?" He was giddy about it. He had to share. Why not with his mentor?

When an urgent case interrupted the party fewer than two minutes later, Reid didn't care. His teammates had remembered his birthday. No, actually, it was more than that. They'd had to go out of their way to find out when his birthday was. And they'd had to care enough to bother planning to celebrate it. And JJ had spent a good part of her evening thinking about him as she made his cake.

Reid didn't care that his party had lasted all of five minutes. It had still been the best birthday gift he could ever remember.

_Acceptance_.

* * *

**A.N. You know what comes next. We'll find out together how well I'm able to 'tackle' it.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Prelude**

**Chapter 4**

The unsub was a phone repairman. The guy you saw up on a pole and waved to as you walked by. The same guy who was capable of making sure you couldn't call for help. Gideon had put the pieces together, leading to the unsub's capture. Reid was happy for him, and hoped the success would further bolster his mentor's obviously shaken confidence. But, this time, Reid kept his thoughts to himself. He was rewarded by an invitation to engage in a game of chess.

In the back of the plane, JJ was skimming through files, trying to distract her thoughts. She'd been haunted by the unsub's particular method of torturing his victims. He'd glued their eyes wide open, forcing them to watch him as he did what he did to them.

Given the business she was in, it was natural that JJ would run scenarios. How she would handle it if _she_ became a target. It was not unusual for her to analyze how she would have avoided the unsub, or the attack, or the outcome, as they returned from each case. She'd convinced herself that she would be able to survive, that she could take control in the event of an assault. Even if she couldn't avoid the attack, she could disengage. Close her eyes, go somewhere else in her head. And _then_ fight back. So this particular method of torturing his victims got to her. It threatened her sense of security, and power. She was having trouble letting go of this one.

Reid had Gideon in his sights. It was a marker of how preoccupied the master was when the student could come within two moves of checking him. Both student and master realized it at the same time. But the master had a distraction up his sleeve. Or, rather, in his pocket.

Gideon extracted a small cardboard box with a hastily tied ribbon around it.

"I almost forgot," he said as he handed the box to Reid. "Happy Birthday."

Reid was surprised, and touched. For Gideon, this was effusive.

"But you don't give birthday presents." Reid was already opening it even as he spoke. It may have been unusual for Gideon to give a birthday present, but it was even more unusual for Reid to get one. Just as he'd been with the cake, he was excited, and touched.

Inside the box, Reid saw two tickets, and assumed his mentor was inviting him to attend something together. Then he noticed. They were for a football game. The local pro team, the Redskins. VIP seats.

"You're inviting me to a football game?" He hadn't realized Gideon was interested in the sport. "I don't know anything about the game." He couldn't imagine he would be good company for such an event.

"Not me. There's someone else on the plane who's a big fan."

Reid was confused. Gideon was obviously not a football fan either. So these were obviously not his tickets. Probably something gifted to him and now 're-gifted'. _But why give them to me? Why not just give them to 'the fan'?_

"Who? Who would want to go with me?"

"The only person in the world who calls you 'Spence'." Gideon waited for the young genius to process it, and then smiled at his reaction.

Reid's mind raced. _He's giving me the tickets so I can ask her to go to the game with me. Does that mean that he thinks she likes me? That it would okay? But, are we supposed to fraternize? Is this permission?_

Part of him likened this to when he'd been told the most beautiful girl in the school wanted to rendezvous with him. When he'd kept that appointment, only to be abjectly humiliated. Was he supposed to invite the beautiful Jennifer Jareau on a date, only to be turned down, and laughed at again?

He'd been trying so hard to let go of the litany of past injustices, and yet the situational similarities were sometimes hard to ignore. He wanted to believe that the people in his life now were different, that _he_ was different. And yet, it was so hard to trust. Still, this was Gideon. This was his mentor. He owed the man the life he was living now. He _had_ to trust him. Didn't he?

"JJ?" Reid cast a glance over his shoulder at where she was sitting, paging through files. "But, what should I say?" _I've never asked someone on a date. How do I do it? Dad…..Gideon?_

But Gideon just continued to smile at him. Reid looked back and forth between his mentor and his prospective first date. He remembered the conversation he'd had with his mirror image a few days ago. _It can be different. You can make it different. Do it. Now._

Before he had a chance to talk himself out of it, Reid rose, heading off toward the back of the plane. He'd taken only half a step before he remembered and quickly turned back. Bending down to the chessboard, he made his move. "Checkmate."

Gideon looked up at his protégé, a mixture of surprise and pride on his face. Reid smiled back at him. He'd held the master. Things could, indeed, be different.

* * *

She kept flipping pages without really reading them.

_He made them watch him. I don't know if I could survive it if I had to watch. Could I go somewhere else in my mind if I had to look at him? Or would it paralyze me? Would I be unable to fight back? Would I become just another victim?_

The idea, and the case, had been so unnerving that she actually began to question whether she could continue in the job. _I know it will be in my dreams. I just know it._

She started to fish around in her go bag for a novel she'd brought along, hoping to achieve distraction. But then distraction came down the aisle toward her. Reid loped toward the rear of the plane, and plopped himself into the seat across the aisle.

It only took a quick glance to see the blush creeping up his neck already. It was her signal that he wanted to talk to her.

"Hi." _Okay, that's a good start. Isn't it?  
_

"Hi."

The ball was back in his court all too soon. "Oh, uh…" He used a finger to loosen his collar. "I….uh…."

"Go ahead, Spence." Her smile encouraged him.

"I, um, heard that you might be a fan of football. Of the Redskins?"

JJ's brows were up. _Spence wants to talk to me about football? This is interesting._

"And….um…..well,…I have these tickets…..I mean, I got them as a birthday present…..I have these tickets for the game this weekend. I…uh…..I was wondering if you'd like to go. With me, I mean."

_Whoa! Did he just ask me on a date? I don't think…I shouldn't…..we shouldn't..…but it's the Redskins_! JJ purposely avoided eye contact while she conducted her internal debate. _Maybe it's not a date. I mean, he hasn't ever flirted with me or anything. Not that I think he'd know how…_

Reid didn't know what to make of the prolonged silence. Was she insulted? Angry? Should he back off?

"It's all right if you're busy, I understand. Short notice, and all. It's just…Gideon told me you liked them, and I don't know anyone else who might like to go, and….but…..it's okay, you don't have to."

That put her over the edge. The plaintiveness that he couldn't quite keep out of his voice. Forget the propriety of it. Maybe it _was_ proper anyway, if Gideon sanctioned it. But JJ simply couldn't leave Reid hanging out there, unsupported. And besides, it was the _Redskins_.

"No, it's fine, Spence. I don't have any other plans, and I'd love to go to the game. It's supposed to be a really good one."

He didn't know good from bad when it came to football. He didn't need to. He'd just asked the beautiful Jennifer Jareau to accompany him…._and she said 'yes'!_

He was almost as flustered at her acceptance as he had been about asking her.

"Oh. Oh! Okay, great! We'll go to the game together. The Redskins. This weekend. Great!"

As he got up and started walking back to the seat across from Gideon, JJ watched him, the curiosity evident on her face.

"She said 'yes'! We're going to the game!"

Gideon smiled at the new chess master. "Good. Happy Birthday, Spencer."

* * *

The rest of the week passed achingly slowly, and always with the spectre of a case taking them out of town for the weekend.

_I wish I was a believer._ Reid was tempted to look up the patron saint of granted prayers, and successful dates, and football. _But I'll just have to be a 'hoper'. And a 'fingers-crossed-er'._

Whatever it was that worked, his wish was granted, and the team was in town for Sunday. As he got himself ready, he remembered his final conversation with JJ on Friday afternoon. He'd poked his head into her office just before leaving.

"Why don't I pick you up, Spence? I've been to the stadium before, and I know all the shortcuts that might help us beat some of the traffic." _And it won't seem so much like a date._ She didn't want to mislead him about her interest.

"Oh. Okay. That's a great idea!" It would save him the few hours he'd planned trying to clear his car of its décor of empty coffee cups, and napkins, and stray books and papers.

"Fine. I'll pick you up at 11, okay?"

"Doesn't the game start at 1?" _Do I really have to have two hours of conversation topics ready even before the game starts? _He was starting to get anxious.

"Well, yes. But, even with shortcuts, there will be traffic, and we need to park, and find our seats. And we'll need to get some food, too. There's nothing like a stadium hot dog and beer."

This was already sounding much more complicated than he'd imagined. In his mind, he'd seen them sitting in their seats, watching men run into each other on the field. Period. Nothing before, nothing after. Now JJ was painting a whole different picture for him.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Nothing like it. Okay, I'll see you at eleven on Sunday." He gave her directions to his apartment.

The weekend hadn't moved any more quickly than the week had. But, finally, it was the day. Now, JJ's arrival was merely minutes away, and his heart was racing. _I only hope I can survive this._

* * *

JJ released a held breath when she saw him emerge. _Thank you, God._ She'd been afraid of the sweater vest and tie combo, but hadn't figured out how to bring up the topic of his attire. Providentially, he was wearing a pullover sweater with a button down shirt and his khakis. Not exactly 'football-casual', but far better than it could have been. She'd actually had more trouble than usual dressing for this 'date' herself. She'd been trying to anticipate what he would wear so that they wouldn't look too oddly matched, while at the same time being appropriate for the stadium. Dress jeans and a casual blazer seemed a good compromise. A little Jack and Judy Preppie for her taste, but better than the alternative.

It was one of his hair's less slicked-back days as well, she saw. It framed his face a little better, making him look less gaunt, and more..._cute. Handsome, even. But he also looks terrified. Of me. What an effect to have on someone!_

She pushed the passenger door open as he approached the car. "Hi, Spence."

"Hi." He stood awkwardly outside, as though not wanting to impose.

"You'll probably need to get in, if we want to get going."

He startled. "Oh! Yeah, of course." He climbed in beside her and attached his seat belt.

"Nice day." Conserving words. _Careful, Spencer. You don't want to run through your prepared small talk too quickly._

"Beautiful. I love a football game on a crisp, fall day. Not too hot, but not freezing, either." She pulled away from the curb and got them under way.

He was looking straight ahead, too afraid to make eye contact. "Yeah, me too. Love this kind of day, I mean." _What else to say? Oh, yeah_. "We didn't get too many of these days in Las Vegas."

"Oh, that's right, you're from Vegas. Guess most of our weather is pretty different for you, isn't it? Except for the hundred-degree days we had this past summer."

"Yeah, it did kind of feel like home then."

"Do you miss Vegas? Do you have family there?"

So far, he'd managed to avoid sharing anything personal with his team members. Gideon knew, of course, but the rest...no. He wasn't sure he was ready to share all that much now, either. But he couldn't just ignore the question.

"My mom is there."

"Oh. You should have her come and visit you here. There's so much to do in DC. Of course, there's a lot to do in Vegas as well, but ...different things."

He was circumspect in his response. "Mom's not much for traveling."

"Oh. How about your dad?" Remembering that she and Garcia had seen different Vegas addresses for his parents in his personnel file.

"I don't see him much." _Like, never, in the past thirteen years._

Something in the way he'd said it told JJ it was time to move on from this topic.

"So, have you ever been to the stadium before?"

"Not much of a sports fan, I'm afraid."

"What _do_ you like to do in your spare time, Spence?"

"Read, play chess, work out math problems."

"Work out math problems?" She had trouble keeping the incredulity from her voice.

He heard it. _She thinks I'm weird. So much for making a good impression. _He sighed in resignation before answering her._  
_

"There are a lot of unsolved equations in math. Ones that people have been working on for years. I like to try to work some of them through as a way of stretching my brain after a case. It's a different way to think from what we normally do."

"Oh."

JJ didn't usually have this much trouble making conversation. _Is it contagious? _She decided to mitigate the silence by turning on the radio.

"Hope you like my taste in music."

He was still looking straight ahead. "I'm sure anything you like is great." Not having a clue about the song that was currently playing.

"What kind of music do you like to listen to, Spence?"

This was a topic that excited him. Reid found music fascinating. Its use of physics to create something that was sensually pleasing captivated him.

"I like a lot of different types of music. Anything that creates a unique sound, or a blend. Chords are...they're just amazing, how they're created, and the effect they have. But, to answer your question, I think maybe I like classical music the best, because it makes such incredible use of the sound spectrum."

JJ had been following him until he got to the 'sound spectrum'. "Explain, please."

Years later….even _moments_ later….she would know enough not to say those two words together. Because, once invited, Reid couldn't restrain himself. It didn't even occur to him that she was just being polite. In Reid's mind, here was a kindred soul who wanted to understand music in the same way that he did. He went on for a full fifteen minutes, getting them half way to the stadium in the process.

"And then, when the final chord sounds, and the ossicles of the ear vibrate in response to it, and we hear just what the composer meant for us to hear, and it stays with us until it wanes into silence…..it's incredible, JJ. Isn't it?"

She'd never thought about music as a physics event. Never even thought about it past whether she liked the melody, or the words, or whether it was good for dancing. Here, Reid had gone on for miles explaining how the sound came about, how melody was constructed, how chords resonated both together and apart. She should have been bored to tears. But there was something fascinating about what he'd observed, and how he chose to share it. And something…..poetic...even...romantic….in how he spoke about the sound, and the silence.

She didn't realize how long she'd been thinking about what he'd said until he spoke again.

"Sorry. All you asked me was what I liked to listen to, and I bored you to death with science."

She threw a glance his way, and watched him blush in response.

"No! Not at all, Spence. I've just never heard anyone talk about it that way before. It's…."

He spoke right over her. "That's because other people know how to answer a simple question."

She could hear the frustration in his voice, and knew it was aimed at himself. But, before she could say anything, he started in again.

"It's just that I'm nervous. I don't want to be boring, but I don't know what to say. I don't want you to be sorry you came with me, but I would understand if you were. I'm no good at this, JJ."

_Spence. What do I say now?_ She had to try to alleviate his misery. _Guidance, please!_

Whether guidance was granted or not, she had to respond.

"Spence….first, you're not boring. I've never heard anyone talk about music like that. And it was kind of…..cool."

_Best not to say 'romantic', even if you think so_.

"And I'm not sorry we're going to the game. But I _am_ sorry that you're nervous about it." _Guidance!_ "Would it help if we didn't think of this as a date? If we were just two friends going together?"

Forever after, he would wonder if he'd made the right decision. If their lives would have unfolded differently if he'd not gone along with her. But he was so relieved at the opportunity of not having to try to be someone he wasn't, that he grabbed at it. She was giving him an out, and he would take it.

JJ glanced over at him again and almost laughed at the relief on his face. Truthfully, she was relieved as well. She'd been reluctant to have him think of this as a date.

"Can we be? Just two friends? That would be so great, JJ." Knowing that she didn't realize that even the designation of 'friend' was important to him.

She grinned. "Of course. So, friend, what do you take on your hot dog?"

* * *

They'd filled themselves with processed meat and beer by the time of the opening kickoff. Now they were settled in at the 50 yard line, ten rows up. JJ had never had such magnificent seats.

"I still can't believe this, Spence. It's almost like we're on the field with them!"

"Trust me, JJ, you don't want to be on the field. The average football player weighs 248 pounds, and an offensive lineman can be well over 300. If you multiply their speed by their mass to calculate their force of impact…well, trust me, you don't want to be down there."

She turned and stared at him. "Football as physics too, Spence?"

This was another topic he found fascinating. "Yes! Exactly! There's mass, and force, and momentum. And elastic collisions, and inelastic collisions, and…."

She raised her palm, laughing. "Stop! Cease and desist!" She eyed him to make sure he realized she wasn't upset with him. "I knew you had a doctorate in physics, but I didn't realize you knew so much about football. Are you a fan, too?" It didn't seem to go with his professorial persona.

"Me? I've never seen a game. But I read up on it this week. A couple of articles on the physics of it, a book on the National Football League, one on strategy, one on the history of the Redskins and a couple of autobiographies. You know, so I could understand what motivates the players."

"You were profiling the players?" JJ giggled. Then she processed the rest of what he'd said. "Spence, you read five books on football….since Wednesday?"

He didn't get her meaning. "I know. My concentration wasn't great for some reason."

"Well, what did your profiling tell you?"

"That football players are paradoxically egotistical, yet selfless enough to put their team first. They are driven by a desire for success. They're ruthless when they have to be."

It did sound like he was delivering a profile. And it sounded even more like it a few minutes later, when….

"Did you see that? A blitz attack!"

Indeed, the opposing team had blitzed the Redskins' quarterback.

JJ parried with some profiler-speak she'd picked up working with the team.

"So, does that mean he's organized? Or just opportunistic?"

"In this case, both. But, see…the victim just faked out his attacker. The quarterback double pumped the ball and then held onto it himself."

The two turned and looked at each other, speaking simultaneously, "Forensic countermeasure!"

The entire game went on that way. Play after play, they each found a parallel between the action on the field and _their_ action _in_ the field. Football as a diorama of victims and unsubs, with the roles constantly changing. JJ giggled throughout most of it, and then cheered wildly when the Redskins managed a final, winning, field goal.

Reid was less enthused…..he didn't really care about the outcome of the game, except for wanting JJ's team to win…but he stood and cheered as well, caught up in the excitement of his friend. When the noise died down, they turned to file out with the rest of the crowd, and became separated almost immediately.

"Spence!" JJ called back to him.

"I'm here!" But he couldn't get to her.

JJ stopped in place and let the crowd flow past her until Reid was close. Then she grabbed his hand.

"We need to stay together. If we get separated, we'll never find each other."

If it hadn't been task-driven, he'd have reacted more to the fact that she was holding his hand. And he was holding hers. When they made it, together, to the parking lot, it would have been natural to let go. The task had been accomplished. They'd gotten through the crowd together. But they remained linked.

Reid was acutely aware of the fact that JJ was holding his hand when she didn't have to, and he began to fret over the process of letting go. _Do I just drop it? Does she drop mine? What do we do when we get to the car?_

During the game, he'd forgotten himself, caught up in the running commentary and thrilled to see that she seemed to be enjoying herself with him. Now, his insecurities threatened to come crushing back. But they were staved off when JJ simply squeezed to signal they'd arrived at the car, and their hands fell apart naturally, of their own accord. As though they'd done it before, and would do it again. Relieved, Reid chastised himself.

_Why do you have to overthink everything? And besides, it's not a date, you idiot. Just relax. You had a good time, didn't you? And so did she...I think...I hope._

All too soon, they were out of the lot, and on their way home. Their day together was coming to an end, and, in spite of himself, Reid was sorry. Until...

"Hey, do you want to get some hot chocolate? I need to warm up."

He couldn't believe she was trying to prolong their time together. But he was elated.

"Hot chocolate? Sure, I could go for some."

They stopped in at a coffee shop in Reid's neighborhood. It was crowded on a Sunday afternoon, mostly with couples and small groups of friends out for the afternoon, but they found a table near the window. Reid went to the counter to order their beverages, and then turned back to look at JJ. As he did, he noticed several other men in the shop looking in her direction as well.

_Of course they would be. She's the best looking woman in here. And she's with me!_

From her vantage point, JJ could also see many of the women in the shop watching Reid as he waited at the counter, and tried to imagine what her own reaction to him would be if she hadn't already known him. _He's good looking. Probably the best looking guy in here. And, when he's just leaning on the counter, he doesn't seem awkward at all. I can see why they're watching._

Reid brought the hot drinks back to the table with a little smirk on his face. JJ had insisted upon his getting her a mountain of whipped cream on top of the chocolate.

"The barista said she hadn't noticed me coming in with a child."

JJ raised her brows at him. "Are you making a joke or did she really say that?"

He gave her a knowing smile. "Both. Maybe."

"Hmph!" She feigned annoyance. "You're just jealous because you don't have any. But if you're nice to me, I just might share."

There was an observer sitting in the back of Reid's brain, recording the fact that he was out on a brilliant Sunday afternoon, exchanging banter with a beautiful, kind, intelligent woman. He would replay that recording over and over again, for months. Maybe longer. Something about JJ...about how she was with him...just made things...easy.

"Okay, if you're offering, I'll try it. But it should be a controlled trial. Let me taste it plain first."

He made a show of the not-so-mad scientist taking a few sips of hot chocolate and then making a notation on a napkin. Then he allowed JJ to spoon some of her whipped cream into his drink, and tried it again.

"Hmmm. Lighter. Sweeter." Another notation. "Definitely better." Then he looked at her and smiled. "But perhaps not as effective as when it is inhaled." He touched his nose to let her know she had whipped cream on the tip of hers.

"Oops! Thanks." JJ wiped a napkin across her face. "Better?"

_Couldn't possibly get any better._ But all he said was, "Yes."

She sat back against her chair, sated. "Spence, this was fun. I've been to a lot of football games...and I watch it on TV all the time. But I don't think I'll ever look at the game the same way again. You've changed my football experience forever." At the look on his face she added, hurriedly, "I mean that in a good way."

"I had fun too, JJ. Thanks for coming with me. And thanks for...you know."

"The 'un-date'. That's what we should call it, don't you think?"

He looked uncomfortable. "I don't know. Morgan was on me about it the past three days. He'll be all over me on Monday."

"Tell him it's 'top secret'. And it is. Just ours. Just between us." It would remain ever so.

"The un-date." He squirmed in his seat. "I'm sorry about being nervous...you know, before. But I'm not now. I really did have a great time, JJ. You're easy to be with...you make it easy."

She reached across the table to squeeze his hand. "That's how it should be between friends, isn't it?"

She couldn't help but hope that they were, indeed, having a breakthrough. That he would let her help him integrate with the others, and accept her overtures without suspicion.

"That's what we are, isn't it? We're friends." He gave her what she would later come to think of as his shy smile. Later, after she'd seen and categorized all of his smiles.

"We are. And now this friend needs to get home. I've got some things to get done before we go back to work tomorrow."

* * *

When she pulled up in front of his building, he immediately unbuckled himself and started to open the door. But she pulled him back.

_This might kill him, but...he's just going to have to get over it. In for a dime, in for a dollar_, she thought. _Besides, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger._

"I'll see you in the morning, Spence. Thanks again. This was great." She leaned over to give him a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek...and pulled away just in time to see the deep red creeping up his face.

"Uh...um...you're welcome. Thanks for coming with me, JJ. It was... amazing...all of it." Then he scrambled from the vehicle and stood, waving, as she pulled away.

#####

Reid had his own chores to do this evening. After straightening up his apartment and throwing in a load of laundry, he sat down to take care of the correspondence that was a part of how he ended every day. From a box on his desk, he removed a piece of heavy stationery stock, and put pen to paper.

'_Dear Mom,_

_Today was a great day. I have a new friend...'_

* * *

** _A.N. There are some CM legends that are more intimidating to take on than others. "The Date" is one of them. Hope I did it justice!_ **


	5. Chapter 5

**Prelude**

**Chapter 5**

"Hey, Reid, how was 'the big date'?"

Reid's guess had been right on the mark. It was the first thing Morgan said to him as he exited the elevator on Monday morning.

"Top secret."

The dark-skinned profiler was taken aback. He'd been ready to razz his younger colleague about it. "Top secret?"

Morgan was sure his suspicion had come true. It must have been a disaster, or Reid would be more than happy to tell him. But the kid didn't look upset. He looked…happy. Energized. Morgan threw his eyes upstairs to JJ's office. The light was on. Maybe he could just happen by….

But there was no time. Before he even started up the stairs, she came hurrying out, and ran across to Hotch's office. That usually meant a hastily called team meeting and a quick trip out to some godforsaken town suffering at the hands of a serial killer. Morgan gave up on razzing Reid and checked to make sure his go bag was ready.

The young genius was headed to the coffee bay as soon as he'd dropped off his messenger bag. Seeing her opportunity, Elle made her way over to him.

"Did I hear something about a date? Did you go out with JJ?"

This part was technically public information, so Reid answered her. "We went to a football game."

"_You_ went? With _JJ_?" Elle let out a low whistle. "Wow."

Reid was irritated. "Why 'wow'? Are you saying you're surprised someone like JJ would spend time with someone like me?"

Elle wasn't used to being challenged by her junior colleague. "No. No, of course not. It's just…"

It was just that she _was_ surprised. But she couldn't exactly say so, could she? Before she could find a gracious way out of the conversation, JJ swept by the bay and called them to the meeting.

"Hotch wants us, pronto. Hi, Spence!" She hadn't seen him yet today.

"Hi, JJ. Do you want me to bring some coffee in for you?"

"That's okay, I've already had some. But thanks."

Elle was trying to read between the lines of the brief conversation. They were obviously still on speaking terms, so it couldn't have been too disastrous. But she didn't pick up on anything special going on between them, either. _Hmm…._

* * *

The case involved twins, the daughters of a prominent Connecticut politician. And the unsub was a member of the local FBI office. During one of his phone calls to the victims' home, he'd launched into a tirade against each member of the field team, accurately homing in on their insecurities. The plane ride home took place in virtual silence.

Only JJ, deemed too insignificant by the unsub, had been spared. Nor had she heard the insults fired at her teammates. But she could see their effect. She wandered about the plane, trying to make small talk with each of them in turn….except Gideon. One didn't make small talk with Gideon.

Having had little success with any of the others, she now approached Reid.

"Hey," she said as she leaned over his shoulder from behind his seat. "What are you reading?"

"It's a work by Thomas Aquinas. I'm thinking about getting a degree in philosophy."

She'd just stopped by to make small talk, but now JJ was intrigued. She came around and took the seat across from Reid.

"You are? Don't you have like…..six or seven degrees already?"

"Five. But only three of them are doctorates."

"Only three….why? Are you slacking off?" She watched him, hoping he'd realize the joke.

He almost didn't, until he raised his eyes and saw the look on her face. "Very funny. No. But I have less time than I had before. So, lately, I've only been getting bachelor's degrees."

_Only. _JJ gave a slow, appreciative nod. "So, how many of those do you have?" It was becoming more and more amazing to her that they'd had the kind of conversation they'd had at the football game.

"I have bachelors in all the same as the doctorates…..math, physics and engineering….and then two more, in sociology and psychology. I thought those two might be useful for working on the team."

"I can see that. But why philosophy?"

"Well, I'm not exactly decided between philosophy and theology. That's why I'm reading Aquinas. He's a little bit of both. I'm trying to decide."

"Okay, then, why either of them?" The more she learned about Spencer Reid, the more she realized she was only scraping the surface. And something was drawing her to go deeper.

"Well….partly because religion and world view seem to be two of the prime motivating factors for human behavior…especially bad behavior. So it might help me understand the unsubs better. But also because…well, I just want to understand what motivates _anybody_ to do _anything_."

_And I'm looking for an anchor. My own world view. Something that tells me why I should get out of bed every morning. Something that tells me how to live my life. Something to measure myself against.  
_

But he wasn't ready to share that. Not even with JJ.

She nodded at the book. "Is it helping?"

He shook his head. "I'm having some trouble concentrating tonight."

She'd not gotten anything out of anyone else, but she tried again with Reid. "He said some pretty awful things, I heard."

Reid looked at her for a long moment. "I don't know if they were awful. They were probably pretty accurate. That's what made them so effective."

She returned the look. "So….are you okay?"

He laughed to himself. "JJ, there's nothing this, or any other unsub, could say to me that would hold a candle to what I heard from my classmates in school. Guess that makes me kind of invincible, doesn't it?"

* * *

The next case both proved, and disproved, Reid's point. They were called out for a case involving a sniper. Or, more specifically, a long distance serial killer. A man who picked off his victims at random, in succession, with a long distance weapon. It had been a complicated case, with the profile, and the evidence, leading them in false directions several times. When they'd finally found their unsub, he'd gotten the upper hand and taken Reid and Hotch hostage.

"Gideon, we can't leave them in there! Even if they had weapons, Reid can't shoot any better than a blind man!"

Morgan was worried about his superior's inclination to wait things out. He knew Hotch would have his ankle holster, but Reid wasn't carrying at all. He'd failed his marksmanship recertification….actually, he'd failed the certification as well, but had been granted a waiver the first time. Not so the second.

Yesterday morning, Morgan had taken delight in teasing Reid. "Hey, Kid. Maybe you can use this." He'd tossed an alarm whistle at Reid. The younger man had said nothing, clearly shamed at not passing, and that his team obviously knew about it.

_Now they know for sure they can't count on me_. He'd been acutely aware of his limited contribution to the team, and now he felt like a complete failure. _I wouldn't be surprised if Hotch convinces Gideon to get rid of me._

Now, they were all frightened for both of their members held captive. Gideon was frustrating Morgan with his lack of aggressiveness in going in, Elle was in Morgan's camp….and JJ was anxiously observing the argument between them. Suddenly, all voices were silenced by another sound. A gunshot.

"God damn it!" yelled Morgan, even as Gideon signaled him and the local SWAT team to break down the door.

_We waited too long. Oh, God, we waited too long_, thought JJ.

But…wait! It was Hotch's voice they heard once the barrier had been breached. "Federal Agents! Federal Agents!"

_But I don't hear Spence. Please, God….he's so young. _Then she realized_. Hotch said 'agents' … as in plural…Spence has to be okay!_

She stood back while the others cleared the scene, and saw as Reid emerged behind the body of the unsub. He looked bruised, and battered, and shaken.

JJ stepped forward to intercept him. "Spence! Are you all right?" She'd turned him around with a hand on his arm.

He just looked at her, the bruise on his face blooming a bright red. As she looked him up and down to take stock of him, she saw the ligature marks on his wrists, and noticed that he was bent partially over.

"You're not all right, are you? Let's get you looked at."

She put a hand on his back and moved him forward, forcing the gathering crowd to part for both of them. He moved stiffly, hunched over, protecting his abdomen, and she could feel him trembling beneath her hand. Instinctively, even though they were in a hospital, she led him outside, sensing he needed air. _The paramedics can look at him._

She had to help him sit on the tailgate of the ambulance, and listened as he was quizzed about his injuries.

"I was hit in the cheek by his gun. And then I was kicked. It's not too bad, I don't think." But when he raised his shirt and vest for them to see, it was clear that he'd taken some good hits. He winced as one of the paramedics pushed on his ribs.

JJ heard the two medical professionals' assessment of his case.

"Two ribs are unstable…they're obviously broken. But his breathing is normal, so I don't think he's punctured a lung."

"And his belly is soft, so there's not likely to be any internal damage. The cheek is tender, but I don't feel any crepitus. Not likely anything broken."

One of them spoke now to Reid. "It doesn't look like there's any major damage. But I'd advise you to get some x-rays to be sure. You're a pretty lucky guy for what you've been through."

"That's me. I'm a lucky guy." JJ heard the bitterness in his voice, and wondered what had prompted it. "I'll forego the x-rays, if it's all the same to you. Can you just patch me up?"

"I wouldn't advise it, but we'll try to make you comfortable." The two paramedics cleaned the open wound on his cheek and wrapped his ribs with a supportive bandage. "You're gonna have pretty good pain even with the support. You should go in and get a prescription."

_I just killed a man. Why should I get to feel better?_

JJ had moved aside to let the medical professionals work. Now, as they were writing up their report, she approached Reid again. But before she had a chance to say anything, Hotch called her away. This was a media mess, and he needed her services.

* * *

She'd been briefed before the press conference, and it had taken every ounce of control she owned not to react. _Hotch_ had done the damage to Reid. _Hotch!_ And Reid had taken down the unsub….from the floor, with his hands tied together, having just, as JJ now knew, had several ribs broken.

None of that information would be shared with the public. JJ, the face of the BAU, would handle all of the media inquiries with poise, no matter her personal feelings. But her thoughts were with Reid. Now she understood the vagueness of his stare, and the bitterness in his tone. 

_Spence._

* * *

Hours later_, _they were safely on the jet and headed home. Reid sat off by himself, staring quietly out into the night sky. Watching him, JJ could tell his mind was elsewhere. His eyes may have been directed at the stars, but she had no doubt he was watching the death of a man who had tried to kill him, and had already killed others. A death he had caused. Her heart went out to her colleague. As little as she knew about him still, she was sure he was devastated by the death.

JJ busied herself in the galley and then approached Reid, two mugs in hand. He turned as he saw her reflection in the window.

"Hi. I brought you some tea."

"Thanks, but I don't really want anything."

She put it beside him anyway, and sat down, uninvited, next to him. Blocking his view of the window, hoping she was also blocking his view of the killing.

JJ could feel the anxiety oozing away from him in waves. She assured him at once.

"I'm not going to ask about it. Don't worry. I just…I guess I just wanted to say that it would be understandable if you were upset. I mean, I know we always just walk away when an unsub is killed, as though they deserved it. And, maybe they do. But, even if this man deserved it…..I know it still affects you. You still had a role in his death, even if you didn't want to. And…..and I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to be you. I'm sorry you had to do it. But, Spence…." She put her hand on his forearm. "he might have killed you, and Hotch, and the others. And I would be so much sorrier then."

He stared at the floor as he absorbed every word. As he absorbed her touch. Hotch had apologized for kicking him, and Reid had made a joke of it. Morgan had asked after him and Reid had happily tossed the alarm whistle in his face. Gideon had told him he was proud of him. But Reid wasn't proud of himself. He'd been numb to the fact right after the shooting, but now it was beginning to penetrate.

_Here, I have all this knowledge, this supposedly superior intelligence…..and all I can do is shoot a man in the head. Kill him. Not turn him. Not make him see the error of his ways. Just take his life. He can't hurt anyone any more. But he also can't repent, can't see, can't hear, or taste or smell. He'll never breathe in a scent or feel someone touch him_.

Like JJ was touching _him. _Reid raised troubled eyes to JJ's, and lost himself in hers. _Help me._

They were already in their descent, so JJ simply stayed in her seat and wrapped her hand around his. "Wait for me," she whispered after the plane taxied to a stop. All on board rose and gathered their things, then disembarked and bid one another goodbye. Because of the late hour of their return, Hotch prevailed upon Gideon to give them a late start tomorrow.

Obediently, Reid waited while Hotch and JJ discussed the agenda for tomorrow's team meeting. Then the senior profiler bid his two youngest agents goodnight, and walked off to his car. JJ turned to Reid.

"I know you're tired…and you're probably sore. But I thought maybe we could….talk?...for a while. Or," correctly reading the look on his face, " we could just sit. And be quiet."

He barely made eye contact, but he did speak. "That would be nice….to sit."

_Sit. Okay. Where?_ "How about my place? It's closer. And you could crash on the couch if you want to."

If he hadn't been so preoccupied with everything else, he'd have panicked at having been invited to spend the night with her. But, as it was, the idea didn't even register. All he knew was that he felt lost, and she seemed to hold his lifeline.

"Okay."

Now that he'd been sitting for a long time, the stiffness had blossomed. Any movement was difficult, and immensely painful. He could barely walk.

"Spence, did you take something for the pain?"

He shook his head, ever so slightly. That hurt, too. "I never went inside." _Because I was too proud, and wanted Morgan to think I'd brushed it off.  
_

"Well, you can't drive like that. Let's leave your car here and we'll come by and get it tomorrow on the way to work."

Part of him realized that would leave him at her apartment with no means of escape. But he was too uncomfortable to protest. "All right."

Thirty minutes later, they were in her living room, Reid settled on the couch with his legs up on a table, a pillow next to his broken ribs, and a stiff drink coming his way.

"Here. Four ibuprofen. Sorry, I don't have anything stronger. But the whiskey should help."

"Thanks."

Gingerly, not wanting to jostle him, she took a seat on the sofa as well. "Do you want me to put on the TV? Maybe find something mindless?"

"Isn't it all mindless?"

"Well…..maybe I can find an old movie. I love the old black and whites, don't you?"

He did. But…."Can we just be quiet? Can we just sit? Or, you can go on and get some rest. I'll be okay out here."

She studied him for a few seconds, trying to read him. "How about I just sit with you? I need to unwind a bit anyway."

So, they sat in a silence that was both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. JJ noticed the grimace slowly erasing from Reid's face and took that to mean that some of the pain had been eased. She also saw that he was staring off, but his eyes were moving, as though they were watching something. 

_He's back there._

JJ did her best to sit vigil with him. But the hour was too late, and the events of the day too taxing even for her, who'd only had to stand and watch. She laid her head back against the sofa cushion and started to nod off. She roused when she heard Reid speak, so very softly.

"I'm sorry."

JJ pulled her head from the cushion. "Spence?"

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" But she could see that he was still staring. He wasn't speaking to her. He wasn't really _with_ her.

"Spence?" She reached out and touched his arm, and he startled. "Spence….you were talking. Do you remember?"

He seemed to be having trouble coming back to himself.

_The whiskey?_ she wondered.

"Spence?"

He was back. "JJ…..JJ, I killed a man today. I….killed…..a man. God….."

His face crumpled, and she reached for him, and drew him close. She held him, and he clung to her, all vestiges of reserve gone in the face of his grief. They may not have known each other all that well yet. But pain was universal. And the need to alleviate it was ingrained in JJ.

As they held one another that night, neither of them could know that it was only the first of many times they would do the same. Many times, stretching over a lifetime, that one would reach out, and seek the other. And, finding the other, find solace.


	6. Chapter 6

**Prelude**

**Chapter 6**

He startled so much when the door slammed that he almost fell off his sleeping perch. His apartment door wasn't supposed to slam if he wasn't the one slamming it. When he opened his eyes to investigate, Reid spent a moment disoriented, before he remembered. He wasn't home. It wasn't his door.

"Hey, Spence, good morning!" JJ sounded a little breathless as she approached him.

He could only manage a croak. "Good morning. Have you been out already?"

"Yep, went for a run. I'll just put the coffee on and then hop in the shower. I won't be long, so you can get in too."

The blush started immediately at that. _I'll be using her shower?_ JJ didn't seem fazed. Maybe it just seemed more intimate than it really was.

"Did you sleep okay out here?"

His brain was too fuzzy without caffeine. He was trying very hard to remember how they'd parted last night...or even _when_ they'd parted. He remembered being stricken with the full realization of what he'd done, with the impact of having taken a life, for whatever reason. And he remembered her holding him when he'd felt overwhelmed with the guilt of it. But he didn't remember her leaving him, or his lying down, or being tucked in with a blanket.

He could only respond with, "I guess so. I'm still here."

She laughed. "You kind of conked out on me last night. Must have been the whiskey."

_The whiskey. Oh, right.  
_

"So I just swung your legs up and tucked the blanket around you. I hope you weren't too cramped."

He hadn't yet unfolded himself. Trying now, he found it easy enough to swing his legs back down to the ground, but when he tried to follow them to a sitting position, he felt a stabbing pain in his side and fell back against the cushions with a grunt.

JJ rushed over. "It's your ribs. Let me help you up so you won't have to tug so hard on those muscles." She got behind him and, with surprising strength, lifted his back from behind. The pain was still bad, but at least it wasn't excruciating.

"Better?"

"Good. Thanks, JJ. And…."_ Hurry up and get this out before you can't say it ! _"...thanks for last night, too. It was...I...I was...just...thanks."

The blush had deepened to purple.

JJ saw him color, not realizing that she was beginning to blush as well.

She liked Reid well enough, and she found getting to know him to be its own kind of fascinating, but the truth was, they didn't really know each other all that well yet. Considering that fact, the time they'd spent together last night had been remarkably intimate. And it had been emotional in a way that was unusual for JJ. She felt emotion as deeply as the next person, but she didn't display it…not in public. Not in her work, not with her colleagues. Except, it seemed, with Reid. How he managed to draw that out of her, why she seemed to react to him the way she did, was a mystery. And even a little bit scary. It challenged her professional persona, which she had carefully and purposefully cultivated ever since joining the FBI. And the usually decisive Jennifer Jareau wasn't at all sure if that was a good thing, or a bad thing.

She stepped over to the small kitchen and got the coffee going as she responded.

"You're welcome, Spence. You know, we train for these kinds of situations...we even consider ourselves failures if we can't take out an unsub on the training course...but I don't think there's a way to really prepare ourselves for actually doing it. Taking down a dummy, or hitting a target...that's just skill. Doing the same with a human being, no matter how sick that person is..."

The little observer in her brain piped up. _ See, there! Just there! Why did I do that? Why didn't I just say 'you're welcome', period. How does he get me to do that?_

"That's just it, JJ. They're sick. Most of them are, anyway. How is it right to kill someone just because they're mentally ill?"

_Like my mom. _But no one besides Gideon knew about that, and he wasn't quite ready to share it with anyone else, including JJ.

He made his way very gingerly over to her as he spoke. Apparently walking was going to be difficult for a while. JJ pulled out a chair at her two-person table and helped him sit.

"It's not like you had a choice, Spence. No matter if the unsub was ill. _Somebody_ was going to die in that room. I'm just glad it wasn't you, or Hotch, or any of the hostages."

He knew she was right, but his heart still hurt. "Do you think _you'd_ be able to do it, JJ? Could you kill someone to keep them from killing someone else?"

For JJ, the idea of joining the FBI had been more about the satisfaction of being able to help people, both those victimized and those who might be. She hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about the physical confrontations with the perpetrators. But the required simulation course had changed that, and she'd thought about it every day since. And, not being sure of the answer, she was grateful for her position as the unit liaison.

"I don't know, Spence, to be honest. But I'd like to think that, if someone was truly in danger, and I was in a position to stop it...that I would do whatever it took." 

_Even if I had to shoot someone in the head, like you did._

The coffee was ready, and she poured him a cup, then set the sugar and cream in front of him. And watched. And watched.

"Wow! I heard about this, but I don't think I've ever seen you fix your coffee before. Was that six spoons of sugar?"

"I have a sweet tooth."

"Apparently," she laughed. "Okay, shower time for me, and then you can hop in. Hotch wants us in for eleven."

"JJ, do you think we can try to get there a little early?"

"Sure. Do you have something you need to get done?"

"No, but….I just wanted to get situated before everybody got there."

She studied him for a moment. _You don't want Hotch to know how badly he hurt you_.

"All right. Do you think you can drive?"

He wasn't sure, but he didn't want to put her out more than he already had. "I'll manage. Can we stop on the way?"

"How about on the way home? You know, in case they call us out again. You might as well leave your car at the airport." 

_And if you're not any better than you are now, I'm not letting you drive._

He closed his eyes, in too much pain to even contemplate going out on another case, but too afraid of showing weakness to say so.

"All right. We'll get it tonight."

* * *

They settled him into the conference room, to await the morning team meeting. JJ brought him a pile of files from his desk and a large cup of sugar diluted with coffee. He was comfortable enough to dig into some good paperwork, distracted only when Morgan arrived for the meeting.

"Hey, Kid, I didn't know you were here. Your desk looked empty this morning."

Reid looked up at his colleague. "Just thought I'd work up here for a change of scenery."

"Whoa, mama! That shiner grew up on you overnight!"

Reid was still embarrassed that he'd let the unsub get the better of him.

"It's not as bad as it looks." But even _he_ had been shocked when he'd seen himself in JJ's mirror this morning.

Elle breezed in and stopped short when she saw Reid. "Oh, wow! Does it hurt?"

The young genius didn't like this kind of attention. "It's fine. _I'm_ fine. Where's Hotch?" 

_Can we get this meeting going?_

Gideon entered the room and took silent stock of his protégé. He nodded a small smile at the young man, but said nothing. Shortly after, Hotch and JJ entered together, having obviously been consulting on the meeting's agenda. If Hotch noticed the state of his agent's face, he didn't choose to acknowledge it.

The meeting was fairly short. The team would remain local until the circumstances of the shooting could be cleared, so they would all do paper consults or assist with instruction at the academy.

As they broke, Hotch asked Reid to remain behind. JJ had been prepared to help her friend to his desk, but couldn't very well intrude on the meeting with his superior, so she shrugged apologetically and waved a goodbye to him, noticing the look of concern on his face.

Reid was, indeed, concerned. "Am I in trouble about the shooting, Hotch?"

His boss was reassuring. "They'll review it. They review every fatal shooting. But it was clean. Don't worry about it."

"Clean." He'd said it to himself, softly, not meaning for Hotch to hear.

But he _had_ heard. The senior agent sat down across from his youngest. This was why he'd held him back. Last night, as they'd flown home, he'd seen the anguish on the young man's face, and watched as Gideon had spoken with him, and then as JJ had gone to offer him comfort as well. Reid had seemed to settle with JJ, and Hotch had decided to let him be. But now, he had to survey the damage. The physical damage, the black eye, he could see. It was the damage to Reid's psyche that had yet to be measured.

"Reid." Hotch's voice demanded that Reid make eye contact. "It _was_ clean. It was necessary. You saved lives yesterday, not the least of which were yours and mine."

Reid had been brought into the BAU by Jason Gideon. He idolized the man who'd helped him to bring meaning and purpose to his life, and the gifts he'd been given. He knew what others thought of the man. That he was burnt out, damaged goods. That he'd screwed up in Boston and it had changed him. It had all happened before Reid's time with the team, but not before Reid's time with Gideon. He'd seen the change as well, and been frightened by it, both for Gideon, and for himself. He knew he was overly dependent on the man. But he simply didn't have the confidence to stand on his own.

Aaron Hotchner was an expert profiler, one of the best the BAU had ever had. It wasn't a skill he turned off when not in pursuit of an unsub. And so, he'd been unable to resist profiling his newest agent, the youngest ever in the BAU, and one of the youngest ever in the history of the FBI. He'd seen Reid for what he was…an insecure young man, socially inexperienced, awkward and inept, with an intellect that was astounding in both its depth and its breadth. Hotch had also seen his vulnerability, his naivete. He'd even picked up on some subtleties that told him Reid was familiar with the victim role. This young man, Hotch knew, was someone to be cultivated, but also someone to be protected. At least until he grew up. And, no matter what he thought about Gideon, no matter how much they'd been through together….Hotch didn't trust Jason in the protection of the genius. And, not trusting, Hotch had decided to take on the role himself.

When they'd first met, Reid had been intimidated by Aaron Hotchner. The man's physical presence, the way he carried himself, his facies, even his determined refusal to smile….had all had the desired effect on the rookie agent. Reid had held back, and as often as possible, seen to it that Gideon stood between him and Hotch. But time and experience had softened the stances of both men. Reid had seen the poorly hidden caring about the victims and their families, and Hotch had seen a slowly emerging strength of spirit and character in the younger man. In time, they'd come to trust and respect one another. Both drew upon that trust and respect in this conversation.

Reid heard Hotch's words. He appreciated the confirmation that he hadn't had a choice. But it wasn't as comforting as he would have liked.

"I know it. I know I…we….couldn't let him hurt anyone else. But I can't help but wish I'd been able to stop him some other way. Talk him out of it, maybe. I mean, what good is it to have a brain that can outthink someone else's, when I can't even use it to save lives?"

Aaron Hotchner was comfortable with silence. He let it envelop them for full minutes while he pondered his response. When he spoke, it was with authority, and Reid paid due attention.

"You saved three college students in Arizona, possibly more, because you used your brain creatively. Yesterday, you understood an unspoken plan, fully on the strength of your intellect. Another agent might not have realized where I was going. You _did _use your brain yesterday, Reid. And you used some considerable manual dexterity to get the gun from my holster. I have to tell you, I was out of ideas and, because of that, I employed an extreme measure. I don't know any other agent on this team who could have both understood it and pulled it off."

He was pleased to see the expression on Reid's face brightening a bit. But the young man's words belied his reaction.

"I still wish I could have saved _his_ life, too. He was sick. He needed help, not a bullet in his brain."

"They _all_ are, Reid. All of them. But we don't always get to choose how we stop them. We just need to get it done, to save the innocent."

Reid said something that Hotch didn't catch, as though it hadn't been meant to be said aloud. But he asked anyway.

"What did you say?"

Reid looked embarrassed. "I said, being mentally ill doesn't make them guilty."

He was right. Hotch knew it. But he also knew that the attitude could get Reid in trouble one day. And that it could get his teammates in trouble, too.

"Reid, I need to know. Can you do this? The FBI has decided that the shoot will give you your qualification. But I need to know that you want it. And that you think you can do this job, whatever it requires of you."

Now Reid held the silence for minutes, thinking, pondering. Finally, he looked up at his superior.

"I can. I can do the job. And I want to do it. I want to help people." _Even the unsubs_, he thought, but did not say.

Hotch held his gaze for a longer time than necessary, evaluating the intent behind the young man's words, both spoken and unspoken. Then, without another word of judgment, he rose.

"All right. We'll have a break of a few days before we're called out again, while the paperwork is processed. But it will be merely a formality. It was a clean hit. I don't think you'll need to do more than tell the story again, to IA. They'll be here this afternoon. You can work on your reports until then."

He rose to leave the room, clearly expecting Reid to do the same. When the younger man made no effort to move, Hotch stood and watched him. Something was beginning to dawn on the senior agent.

"Reid?"

The genius tried to put him off. "I'll just be a couple of minutes, Hotch. I was in the middle of something in one of these files. I'd like to finish it first."

Hotch stared at him for so long that Reid _had_ to look back.

"How badly did I hurt you?"

The Hotch stare was penetrating. Reid was compelled to answer.

"Two broken ribs and some bruising. Nothing serious."

Hotch's eyes had closed at the broken ribs. "I'm sorry."

"Hotch, I told you. I had worse in high school. It's fine, don't worry about it."

_How can I not worry about it? I feel like I kicked a baby._ But all he said was, "Do you want to go home? Take some time? Rest?"

Reid shook his head vigorously. The very last thing he wanted to do was to look weak, no matter if that was how he saw himself.

"It's not like I can't sit and read files."

And besides, it irked Morgan when he could speed read through his pile in a fraction of the time it took the more experienced profiler. 

_Watching him get irritated might be as good as a narcotic._

The senior man was reluctant, but he had to agree. "All right. If you want to work in here, it's fine with me. Do you need anything? Is there anything I can get you?"

He knew he shouldn't feel guilty…but he did.

"No, thanks, Hotch, I'm fine. Besides, JJ will help me."

_She will?_

The implication was clear. He'd shared his condition with at least one of his teammates. 

_Interesting._ _This might bear watching._


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N. I don't have Season 1 on DVD, so my thanks go out to any and all of you who have put scenes up online. Any time I needed to review something (even if I ended up changing it a bit), all I had to do was a quick search, and there it was. Thanks for the research assistance!**

* * *

**Prelude**

**Chapter 7**

"What are you doing?"

"I'm creating a geographic profile." Reid's attention was entirely focused on his map, despite the fact that the beautiful Jennifer Jareau had just brought him coffee. By now, she knew exactly how to concoct the elixir to his liking, and she'd fallen into the habit of doing so whenever he was too caught up in a task.

"A what?" This was something she'd not seen the others do.

"A geographic profile. I'm using what we know about where the unsub's been active…the dump sites, the one murder site that we have….and I'm overlaying them with the locations we know the victims frequented." He made another dot on the map and then grabbed a highlighter to shade in a triangle shape that joined most of the dots. "That's it."

JJ looked at him sideways. "That's what?"

"The killer's comfort zone. It's where he is most likely to operate, so it's where he's most likely to be found."

She didn't quite understand. "You found him? By doing that?"

Hearing her disbelief, Reid turned and looked at her. They'd been spending more and more time together on cases, as Hotch was keeping Reid out of the field until he was certain the young man's ribs were healed. At least, that was the 'official' reason.

"I didn't exactly find him. I found an area where he's likely to be. But it's an area, not an address."

"Well, how many people live within that area?"

They were looking at a suburban map, but it was still pretty densely populated. "About forty-two thousand, six hundred thirty, give or take."

"About forty-two..…." JJ laughed and shook her head as she headed off to a press conference. "Spence, you are so funny."

His eyes followed her, a puzzled look on his face.

_I am?_

* * *

Two weeks later, Reid was healed, and they were out on a heinous case. A family annihilator. Someone was killing entire families. And it appeared he made the father watch as he did so. Except in one particular instance.

"You want _me_ to interview him? _Me_?"

Reid had virtually squeaked the final word at Hotch. The man he was being sent to interview _was_ the father. The estranged, biological father. The rest of the family had all been killed. Now the BAU needed to know whether they had found their unsub, or whether they'd uncovered an unrelated case of domestic violence..…or if they simply had a grieving biological father on their hands. A very large, upset, biological father. Although Reid was tall, the man had several inches on him, and easily outweighed the profiler by well over a hundred pounds.

Hotch just looked an unspoken message at the genius. _You wanted to use your intellect. Now's the time. Use it._

JJ joined Hotch and Elle observing through the one way mirror as a very pale Reid went in, looking every bit like Jack facing the Giant. JJ saw his hand shaking as he laid his messenger bag on the table, and felt for him.

"Hotch, do you really think he should be the one to do this?" JJ doubted her boss' decision on this one.

But her question fell on deaf ears. All of Hotch's attention was on the action in the interrogation room. As well it should have been. With only a few moments elapsed, the suspect slapped the table in anger and rose to his full height and fury. Reid involuntarily pushed back in his seat and jumped up as Hotch barged into the room and confronted the unsub.

JJ's hand was at her mouth, concerned for Reid's safety….but also concerned for his psyche, should he fail at the task. She'd doubted Hotch's assigning it to Reid, but knew that, once assigned, it was crucial for her friend's confidence that he be able to carry it out. Now she found herself silently rooting for Hotch not to step in.

Whether the senior profiler intended to take over or not, he wasn't given a chance. The young genius swallowed back his fear, squared his shoulders, and started back in with the interrogation. He withstood several more outbursts as he used facts from the suspect's life to create a narrative of abuse and abandonment that ultimately broke the suspect down. By the time Reid and Hotch left the room, the man was in tears, essentially cleared from the investigation, but having given a key piece of evidence that would ultimately help to solve the case. Jack had slain the Giant.

_Go, Spence!_ JJ was grateful for her colleague's success on many levels. They would now be able to free an innocent man. They had a new lead in this awful case. And Reid had demonstrated his value to the team….both to Hotch, and to himself.

Although the shooting of the LDSK had been months ago, although his ribs had long since knit together, JJ knew Reid wasn't healed. Many hours spent together in a variety of police stations and sheriff's offices had given them ample time to talk. As much as they both sometimes tried to keep it light, the very nature of the work they did, and the reason they were in the locations they were in, led to discussion of the crimes, and the nature of those who committed them. And to the natures of those battling the evil. Reid had shared with JJ a relentless remorse about having taken a life.

"It gets into my dreams, JJ. I don't think I've slept a full night through since then." He hurried to add, "Please don't tell Gideon or Hotch. And, please, don't tell Morgan." He was concerned that the senior FBI men would decide he wasn't fit for the work…..and he was afraid Morgan would tease him without mercy.

"You're having nightmares?"

He nodded. A part of him took notice of the fact that he'd just given his beautiful colleague ammunition. And yet he wasn't the least bit worried that she would use it against him. JJ was slowly causing his memories of past tauntings at the hands of the 'popular kids' to fade.

_I trust her. Completely. I can tell her anything, and she won't use it to hurt me. I never knew that could even happen!_

Her next statement explained her response to his admission.

"I'm having them too. I didn't want to say anything to anyone, you know? I was afraid I would seem…"

"Weak." He knew. It was exactly what he'd said to himself.

"Yes! Weak. I was afraid they'd think I shouldn't be on the team. I don't know how the others do it, how they keep from having nightmares…."

A thought occurred to Reid. "How do we know that they don't? I mean, look at us, neither of us wanted to tell anybody. If we didn't have each other to talk to, we probably wouldn't have said anything at all, right?" Grateful beyond measure that he _did_ have her to talk to.

She nodded. "Right. So, you think….."

"I don't know. And I know I'm not about to ask. But maybe it's just a part of the job. Maybe we just have to get used to it."

JJ shivered. "I hope not. I hope I don't spend my entire career waking up in the middle of the night scared out of my wits. I don't think my heart could take it."

Reid studied her. "Have you ever thought about quitting? Transferring, maybe?"

She shook her head. "No. I think the work the BAU does is important and I'm proud to be a part of it. But I just hope I get used to it someday, that's all."

Reid turned back to the map he'd been working on. "I don't know, JJ. I don't know if we'll ever get used to it. And maybe we shouldn't. Maybe it _should_ affect us. Maybe we should worry when it doesn't."

She stared out the window, his words echoing in her mind. _He's right. But I so wish he wasn't._

* * *

Given how much he'd shared about his wish to be able to subdue an unsub with his mind, it shouldn't have surprised her. But it did. And it frightened her.

"What? Spence, you can't go in there alone!"

"I won't be alone. Elle is in there, remember?" Being held hostage by an unsub, along with a train car load of others.

"But….you won't have a gun."

The look he gave her spoke volumes. _No, I won't have a gun. So I won't end up shooting someone in the head and killing them. This one won't be in my nightmares._

But he _would_ be armed with a skill he'd cultivated since he was a boy. The unsub was convinced he was being monitored by an implanted microchip, and Reid had volunteered to go in and 'remove' it.

Morgan wasn't a fan of his going in either. "Just show me how to do it." 

_How hard can it be, if this kid can do it?_

But Reid had been using sleight of hand for over half of his life. His long, nimble fingers made it easy for him. Morgan's buff upper body would work against him in this task. Reid let him try, and fail, to prove his point. The job was Reid's.

As he attached the Velcro of his vest, Reid noticed the others all standing there, watching him, doubt written on every face.

"Could at least one of you look like you're gonna see me again?"

Hotch responded, as though having been scripted, "See you when you get back."

JJ caught Reid's eye before he turned to leave. 

_Please be careful. Don't take any chances. You have nothing to prove._

Reid gave her a small smile of appreciation before he headed off.

* * *

They were all gathered around the monitor carrying the soundless video feed from the surveillance cameras in the rail car, JJ behind the three male profilers. She was glad they couldn't see her reaction to watching Reid purposely put himself in danger.

Gideon had been verbally encouraging, but his actions belied his lack of confidence in the young agent. He'd started pacing the minute Reid climbed the stairs of the rail car, ready to pounce the minute it looked like the young man was in trouble. Now he stroked nervously at his face as he watched the scene unfold.

Reid did as he was told, eschewing prolonged eye contact with Elle to avoid giving away their connection. But he went against the plan when he complied with the unsub's demand that he remove his protective vest. The BAU men each cursed aloud when the saw it, JJ uttering only a silent, '_Spence, no!'_

Gideon was pacing again, muttering to himself, while the rest stood vigil at the monitor. It looked like Reid had successfully appeased the unsub by 'extracting' the fake microchip from his arm. Now he just needed to exit the train, so the negotiations could resume. But it appeared the unsub wouldn't let him leave. The man looked agitated again, and it appeared he was yelling. Then he shot the phone when Gideon tried to call in. And then he shot a woman. Things were devolving rapidly, and all three remaining profilers prepared to storm the rail car.

"Wait!" JJ had kept her post at the monitor while the rest were getting ready. "Reid's talking to him. And he seems to be listening."

They joined her in watching the fascinating scene. Not only had Reid clearly captured the attention of the unsub, but he was actually moving toward the man…who still held his gun.

_Spence! Be careful!_

She didn't know whether the others noticed. But the look JJ saw on Reid's face was entirely a new thing. It wasn't the look of terror he'd had with the grieving father/suspect, nor the frustration he'd displayed about failing to turn the LDSK. There was a look of confidence about him now. Earnest, determined, confidence. 

_As though he's sure he knows how to turn the unsub._

* * *

Apparently he'd been right to be confident. The man eventually laid down his weapon, and Reid pounced on it. JJ uttered a silent prayer of thanks when she saw both Reid and Elle heading out of range of the video camera, exiting the train. She ran outside to congratulate them, but found herself holding back when she saw them engaged in what looked to be an intimate conversation. And she was very surprised when she felt a pang of jealousy.

_Really, JJ? You're jealous that two friends are celebrating having survived a run-in with a mad man? And why would you be jealous anyway? It's not like you and Spence are romantically involved._

And yet, there it was. JJ made a wide arc around the pair on her way to meet with the sizable group of assembled media, but was still close enough to catch part of the conversation. Something about Reid knowing what it was like to be delusional, and psychotic. Now she was very curious about exactly what had been said inside the rail car. And she was suspicious that she wouldn't be getting it out of her friend.

* * *

The journey home was unusually lighthearted. They'd gotten their unsub, both of their agents had emerged from the train virtually unharmed, and no one had died. It was one of their rare 'wins'. Reid was so upbeat that he actually engaged Morgan, Elle and JJ in a game of poker. And proceeded to beat the pants off them.

JJ had been hoping for a chance to talk with him privately, to ask about what had actually happened in the train, to tell him she could see his confidence emerging…..but the celebratory atmosphere didn't give her the opportunity. Instead, she had to settle for seeing him happy and relaxed with his teammates. Until now, _that_ Reid had shown himself only to her. She was glad for him that the others were finally getting to meet him as well. It seemed like he was beginning to come into his own.

* * *

They weren't alone again until the next case. Reid had expected Hotch to send him into the field with Morgan or Elle, and was disappointed to be relegated to the maps once again. The only saving grace was that he was still with JJ. But even that was doing nothing to improve his mood.

"You seemed pretty irritated with Morgan, Spence. Did something happen?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Ohh-kaay." His tone had been unusually abrupt. She was prepared to move off topic when Reid threw her an apologetic look.

"Sorry. I shouldn't take it out on you. It's just…Morgan told Hotch that I was having nightmares."

_Ah._ JJ remembered their prior conversation and understood why Reid was so sensitive about looking weak to any member of the team. _Except me._ So she was surprised he'd shared it with Morgan.

"How did Morgan know?"

Reid looked annoyed with himself. "He caught me before I'd had my coffee." As though that would clearly explain everything.

JJ couldn't help it. She laughed. Reid started to look put out, but then saw the humor in it as well, and joined her. The whole team was becoming familiar with how dependent he was on his 'starter fluid'.

"Well, I hadn't had much sleep because of the dreams, so I was running late, and I didn't have time for anything until I got to the BAU. And then he caught me."

"And you told him." JJ thought she'd been seeing a softening of the older profiler toward the man he called 'Kid', but it wasn't consistent. She wasn't sure how Morgan would handle having that kind of information about Reid. "Did he tease you about it?"

"No." _But I keep waiting for it._ "He told me to talk to Hotch."

Despite what she'd shared before about not disclosing her own nightmares, JJ thought that was a good idea. "Maybe you should. If they're happening so frequently, and if you're not getting any rest..."

Remembering that the choice was no longer his, Reid was irritated all over again. "Well, I guess I'll _have_ to now. He already knows." Now he stared at JJ. "Did _you_ talk to anyone else about yours?"

_Busted._

"Just you. I didn't….."

Reid could see her embarrassment. "You didn't want anyone to think you couldn't handle it…right?"

She nodded.

They'd talked about this before. But now he couldn't help but wonder. Old frissons of doubt were resurfacing.

"So, why did you tell _me_?" 

_Because I don't count? Because it doesn't matter if I know?_

He couldn't seem to restrain those old thought patterns, born of so many episodes of betrayal over the years….but Reid was enormously glad the words hadn't made it to his mouth.

The sharing of her fears with Reid had surprised JJ at the time. She didn't _know_ why she did it.

"I don't know. Because I trust you, I guess? Because it feels good to be able to talk about it with someone without worrying that they'll think less of me."

She'd been studying the floor as she spoke. Now she lifted her eyes to his and held them there for a long time. Reid couldn't help scanning her for any telltale sign of artifice, of disingenuousness. Not finding it, he simply held her gaze and, for the first of what would become many, many times, he fell into her eyes. Deeply. Into the blue that was the color of the sea. He was drowning. And it felt wonderful.

If JJ noticed, she didn't choose to give any indication. When she spoke again, her voice brought him back to the surface.

"I'd like to think that's why you told me, too, Spence. I hope you know you can trust me with anything."

His voice took a moment to emerge from the depths. "I do. And you can too, JJ. Trust me, that is. With anything."

"It's what friends do, isn't it Spence? Friendship is built on trust."

"That's what we are. Friends. Right?"

It was a simple enough question for Reid to ask. But, as both of them would slowly come to realize, the answer was oh, so complex.

* * *

**A.N. The exchange between Reid and Hotch just before Reid enters the train is verbatim from "Derailed".**


	8. Chapter 8

**Prelude**

**Chapter 8**

Reid watched as JJ stepped before an array of microphones and media representatives, about to deliver an update on what had rapidly become a high profile case. Because they both worked largely from the law enforcement office assigned for a particular case, Reid was often on hand when JJ met with the press. He'd gotten into the habit of lurking at the back of the room, watching her in action, admiring how articulate she seemed, and how deftly she handled...or deflected...questions. But, this time, he was watching her on television. The seeming resurrection of a killer long thought inactive, possibly even dead, had brought much attention to the work of law enforcement, and it was being covered by every form of media.

_She's almost as beautiful on screen as she is in person_, he thought. And he smiled as she expertly delivered the update, and handled a couple of difficult questions from the press. But then he frowned when the cameras turned to follow the sound of a new voice. The grieving brother of the latest victim challenged the young FBI liaison.

"What am I supposed to tell my mother? You're the FBI. You should have caught him years ago. Were you even looking?"

The camera panned back to JJ, and Reid saw a look of discomfort briefly cross her face, covered immediately by her usual calm composure.

"The FBI is very sorry for your loss, sir, and we want to assure you that the finest team has been assembled to find the person responsible."

Reid knew it was probably a 'pat answer', given to anyone, family member or not, who challenged the quality of an investigation, and it was designed to emphasize that the responsibility for the crime lay with the one who committed it. And he thought JJ delivered it with sincerity and sympathy. But he couldn't help but wonder how she pulled herself together in the face of such suffering.

It was one part of the job that stumped him and he'd sensed that his awkwardness in addressing it was detrimental to the family members. He'd found himself shying away from spending any time at all with them, afraid that he would only sharpen their grief with some misplaced or misunderstood comment. Not that he wasn't sympathetic. Not that he didn't care. He was just inept at dealing with emotional things. But JJ seemed expert at it.

_I can't avoid it forever. Maybe I could ask her? Maybe she could help me?_

Hotch actually assigned Reid to a couple of tasks in the field during this case, so he didn't have much opportunity to speak with JJ until the journey home. But that journey was taken up with stories of Jason Gideon, told by one of his oldest friends in the Bureau. The man whose case had come back to haunt all of them so recently, now happy to have finally put it to rest. Even Gideon seemed to be in a good mood, cheerfully accepting ribbing from the mouth of his old friend. Reid absorbed with fascination the tales of times when Gideon had been duped, made the butt of the joke, by his own colleagues. The stories humanized the man he'd come to think of as being superhuman.

They landed at seven, and Hotch dismissed the team with the expectation of starting at the usual time tomorrow. As JJ and Reid walked together in the direction of their vehicles, he brought up the subject he'd been chewing on.

"You were great today, JJ."

She had no idea what he was talking about. "What do you mean? I wasn't even in the field."

"No, I mean with the family. When the victim's brother confronted you during the press conference. You were great with him. You handled it so well."

"You saw that?"

"They had the TV on in the conference room, so I watched you."

She wasn't that surprised. She'd actually noticed him attending some of the live press meetings as well.

"Well, thanks. But I couldn't really help him, could I? I couldn't bring his sister back."

Reid was becoming increasingly attuned to JJ and her moods, even her voice. And he could hear it now. She always looked so poised, so unflappable. But her tone right now told him otherwise.

"You sound upset about it."

"No more than usual, I guess."

He stopped walking, causing her to stop with him.

"JJ, I would never know that it upsets you. I mean, you always look so confident up there, and you know exactly what to say, and it always seems to work. I don't know how you do it. All that ever seems to come out of my mouth is the wrong thing."

She'd noticed. The way he held back from saying anything at all to anyone except the team. Unless, of course, he was sharing some informational tidbit that only he would know. She'd also noticed why. His awkwardness was almost palpable in public situations, and his nerves about it did nothing to help. He _did_ struggle to communicate. And many of the LEOs they encountered were anything but kind about it.

And yet, with her, he was comfortable, easy. She remembered how she'd even thought he was poetic when he'd told her about why he loved music.

She was also intrigued with what he'd noticed about her. That she didn't seem affected by the plights of their victims. _I don't know if that's good or bad. _She _had_ been upset by the challenge today. But she was paid to keep the public calm while putting the FBI and law enforcement in a good light. _And I do it well. But at what cost?_

They'd resumed walking, but both had slowed their steps, their bodies knowing instinctively that they needed more time together about this. Finally, JJ's mind realized the fact as well.

"Spence, do you want to get dinner? Or maybe just pick up a pizza or Chinese? We could bring it back to my apartment. It would be nice to visit when we're not surrounded by a zillion cops." 

_And I feel like I need a sounding board._

He was so intent on learning from her that he didn't even notice she'd just invited him to dinner.

"Sure! But let's get pizza, okay? I don't usually do Chinese."

* * *

"Did you know that pizza is one of the most efficient foods ever invented?"

"Pizza?"

"Yes! You get dairy, grain, vegetable...well, not the tomato, really, that's a fruit…..but you can add vegetables, and you can even get a pretty good protein boost if you pick the right meat topping."

JJ gave him an uncertain smile, not sure if he was kidding. She'd never noticed him being this analytical about his food.

"Spence, do you really eat it because it's efficient?"

He laughed. "No! I eat it because it tastes so good."

Their separate trips to JJ's apartment had served to interrupt the conversation about communication. Upon arriving to her place, Reid had flashed to the time after his killing of the LDSK. He'd shared himself with JJ more than he could remember ever having done before, with anyone. The idea wanted to put him on edge, but he found himself reacting in a new way this time. He'd been intimate with her, and it hadn't cost him anything. It had only helped him. There was nothing to fear about it, or about her. He found himself completely relaxed in her presence.

The airport conversation may have been interrupted, but JJ remembered it, and wanted to continue. As they finished their pizza, she brought it up again.

"Spence, you were saying that you can't tell if I'm upset about what's happened to a victim…."

Suddenly he was concerned he'd said the wrong thing yet again…..and to a person whose opinion and good standing mattered so much to him.

"I probably said it wrong, JJ. After all, it's me. I just meant that you don't get visibly upset when you have to deal with victims' families, or the press. I didn't mean to imply that you don't care. Quite the contrary. I could tell today that you were upset….I saw it on your face, for just a second…..but then you covered it. You didn't let it show. You kept everything calm. You were great."

She leaned back into the sofa, staring off, thinking.

"I'm not sure that's a good thing, Spence. I mean, what if the families think I don't care? What if they _need_ to see me upset? At least, to see _somebody_ from the FBI upset? What if they think we aren't working hard enough because we're not upset about it?"

He didn't know if the families needed to see her upset….but he was sure_ he_ didn't.

"JJ, I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing. I should know better by now. I should just keep my mouth shut."

"No, Spence. I'm serious about this. Sometimes I think I come across as…._.hard_….you know? I'm afraid I've gotten too hard."

"Why would you think that, JJ? And why would you be 'hard'?"

She stared off for a long time, silent, obviously thinking. Reid was stricken with guilt.

_What? What did I say wrong now? Why can't I learn to shut up?_

After what seemed like forever, JJ finally responded. She'd gone somewhere in her memory. And she'd made a decision to share something she'd not shared with a team member before.

"My sister."

Reid took his own advice and said nothing. Into the silence, JJ spoke again.

"My sister committed suicide."

His eyes riveted to hers. He'd been entrusted with confidence so rarely in his life. But, this, he knew to leave uncommented.

"She was seventeen. And I guess she'd been depressed for a really long time. But I didn't know. I was only eleven. I idolized her. I thought being a teenager was some kind of magical thing, a magical time of life. I was jealous of her having gotten there before me."

She turned her face and gave Reid a wry smile, which he instantly returned.

"But she wasn't happy. And I had no idea. So, one day, she gave me a gift. A necklace that she knew I loved. She gave it to me. And I thought, 'Wow, we're getting closer. She really does like me.' Because, you know, I was the pain in the neck little sister who always got into her things. So I was so excited that she would give me _anything_, let alone the necklace that I loved."

Tears rolled down JJ's cheeks as she chanced a glimpse of Reid's face. His eyes were still firmly fastened to her, holding sympathy and support.

"What I didn't realize was…she gave it to me because she didn't need it anymore. She wasn't going to wear it again. Because the next thing she did was to go to her room and swallow a fistful of pills. My mom found her that night, after she didn't come down to dinner."

Reid could barely find his voice. "She died?"

JJ nodded. "She left a note. It said we shouldn't feel bad about it. That she would be released from the pain she was in. But we _did_ feel bad about it, Spence. Because none of us realized about the pain. She always tried to look normal, like she wasn't upset."

_Like I just described you. You're an idiot, Spencer Reid. _He was disgusted with himself, despite the fact that he couldn't have known. _Now what are you going to say? _But there _was_ only one way to respond to such a disclosure._  
_

"I'm sorry." He expounded. "I'm sorry that you went through that. And I'm sorry she was in so much pain."

JJ looked a brief thanks at him, but it was overwhelmed by a residual bitterness. "Don't you want to know what the pain was about?"

He shook his head. Now they were in familiar territory. "It doesn't have to be about anything. It's just pain. And, if they feel it, whether or not it makes sense to us, it's real."

He had her attention now. "You sound like you're familiar with this, Spence."

As she said it, she remembered his claiming to have understood the deluded unsub who'd taken the train hostage.

Reid steadied himself. JJ would be the first person he'd actually told about this. Even Gideon had found out by looking at some social service records.

"I am."

He hesitated. He was sure he didn't mind her knowing. But not as sure that _she_ wouldn't mind knowing. Still, he felt ready to share with this one, trusted colleague and friend.

"My mom is schizophrenic. Institutionalized."

JJ's eyes widened. "Your mother is?"

He nodded. "She was sick since I was a boy. And there were plenty of times she found life to be too much. I knew some of the emergency services guys by their first names."

"Spence, how did she take care of you?"

"Mostly, I took care of her, I guess."

JJ was slowly coming to realize that Reid's genius wasn't the only thing that made him remarkable.

"And now she's…."

"In a psychiatric facility. Bennington. Courtesy of her only son."

Now that he'd started talking about it, Reid was having trouble holding anything back, despite thinking that he should.

"What do you mean?"

He took a deep breath as he resettled himself on the sofa. "I mean that, right after I turned eighteen, I called EMS to evaluate her. I knew she was in a psychotic break. I knew they'd take her."

She could hear the self-reprobation in his voice. "Wasn't that a good thing? Didn't it help her get the care she needed?"

Reid's laugh was bitter. "It got her where _I_ needed her to be. The help she needed….needs….apparently isn't to be found. Psych meds are great for a lot of people. But there's always a subset where they don't work as well. And she seems to be in that subset."

JJ watched the expression on Reid's face move from obvious anger at himself, to regret.

"Spence, I never knew. I never would have known. I'm sorry." She reached out a hand to cover his. "But I'm glad you told me."

She could sense that it had been a difficult, and rare, decision for him to make.

He shook himself. "How did we get on this, anyway?"

Now it was her turn to be uncomfortable again. _Why did I think this would be a good idea?_

But she responded to him. "I was telling you about my sister. Because you noticed that I seem too..what, maybe..stoic? when I'm dealing with victims' families or the press."

"There's nothing wrong with how you do it, JJ. I think you do a great job."

"But _I_ don't think so, Spence. I don't want anyone to think I don't care enough. It's just that…..well, I think I learned not to show it. Because, after I lost my sister, and everyone…family, friends, teachers, social workers, guidance counselors…..everyone seemed to think I should talk about it. But all I wanted to do was to hold it in, hold it close. The pain was all I still had to share with her. So I wouldn't show it. I wouldn't let them know how upset I was. I told them all I was all right."

He understood far more than she could have imagined.

"I know what you mean. I had to pretend all the time. I had to make it look okay, for all of them. Or else they would have taken me away."

"From your family?" She knew it happened all the time, but it had never happened to anyone she knew.

"From my mom. It was only the two of us, from the time I was eleven. My dad found it all too hard."

JJ tried not to look as shocked as she was. It couldn't have been farther from her own experience.

"Your father left you? With your mother so sick?"

"Now you know why I spent my childhood obsessed with superheroes. Dad was my hero until he left. After that, I knew it would take someone superhuman. So I became totally focused on the idea that a superhero could save us….Superman, Batman….anyone who would be willing to come in and fight the evil we lived with."

JJ wasn't sure if she should be smiling, but she was. "You believed in them? You thought they were real?"

He snorted. "Believed in them? I practically prayed to them. I knew everything about them. I even collected them. Comic books, figures, stickers. Anything. I loved science fiction, and I knew that it was often based on some element of truth…so, I thought, why not? Why not be saved by a superhero?"

JJ was suddenly silent again, pondering.

"Hmm. You collected superheroes. You want to know what I collected?"

"What?"

"Butterflies. I loved them for their color. And it was so cool that they started out as ugly caterpillars and then became these beautiful things. I was hoping the same thing could happen for me. I actually had a few of them in jars, and I would feed them and look at them for hours."

She shifted so that she was facing him.

"But then, one day, my dad took me to the natural history museum. And I saw loads of butterflies….but they were all dead, and pinned to these boards. And…I don't remember this, but my dad tells the story…..I just ran away, crying. Because they were all kept from doing what they did best….flying free and looking beautiful. It was only a short time after that when my sister died. And, once I could think again, one of my first thoughts was just that….that she was flying free, and looking beautiful. And do you know what I did then?"

"No, what?" Barely audible, realizing he was hearing long-protected information.

"I opened every jar and let every one of those butterflies fly free. And I never collected a single one after that."

"Because you knew you couldn't confine them just for your own sake."

She nodded. "Like my sister. I didn't see it that way then, of course. But I do now. She needed something that we couldn't give her, no matter how much we loved her. So she freed herself, and we had to let her go."

JJ's voice broke with the final sentence, and her tears flowed freely.

He would marvel at it later. That he would know what to do, and actually do it. But in the moment, Reid reacted in the only way he possibly could. He moved closer and put his arm around her. JJ turned her face into his chest.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before she sniffed against him.

"Sorry. I don't know why it still affects me so much. It happened so long ago."

He pushed away a little, so he could see her. But he kept his hand on her shoulder.

"Maybe because you loved her that much."

She nodded. "Maybe."

"Thank you, JJ."

She looked at him, puzzled. "For what?"

"For telling me. For trusting me enough. You know, sometimes other people tell me things...secrets, things they haven't told anyone else...but I've always thought they did it because they knew it was safe. That I wouldn't tell anyone, because I didn't have anyone to tell. But no one has ever trusted me with their feelings. Like I wouldn't get it, or something."

She squinted at him, taking his measure. "But you do, don't you? You feel quite a bit, Spencer Reid. I can tell."

He gave his shy smile before responding. "And so do you, Jennifer Jareau. And _I_ can tell. And, if I can, so can the families you're worried about. Please don't ever wonder about that. They can see that you've been there. And that you understand. And I'll bet they're relying on you holding steady when they can't. They need you to do that for them. It doesn't make you unfeeling. It makes you strong."

He'd brought out her smile. "Thanks, Spence. I needed this tonight. I just...thanks."

He couldn't believe it. Apparently he'd said the right thing. Reid grinned broadly, feeling a rare burst of confidence.

"You're welcome. Hey, JJ. Not to change the subject or anything, but...have you ever heard of Comic Con?"

* * *

_**A.N. This was written before the episode that gave us the mechanism of death for JJ's sister. I've chosen not to change it.**_


	9. Chapter 9

**Prelude**

**Chapter 9**

The NYPD was very experienced, and very well-resourced. So it was unusual for the team to have a call out to 'The City'. But they did, and Reid was excited about it. He'd grown up with the lights and glitz of Vegas, but he'd only heard and read about the nation's true metropolis.

"I'm sorry they're in trouble, but I'm kind of looking forward to seeing it."

He spoke as he made his discard. He, JJ and Elle were playing cards en route, having already been fully briefed on the case.

"Kid, are you kidding me? You've never been to New York City?" Morgan was incredulous. The others shared his sentiment, but were polite enough not to say so.

Reid did as he always did when he thought one of his colleagues was pointing out a deficiency. He ceased eye contact, and shut up. JJ, sitting next to him, had long since noticed this 'tell' about when he felt awkward, or chastised. She knew he needed support, and she gave it readily.

"It's all right, Spence. If we have some time, I'd love to show you some of the sights."

"Really?"

_Yeah, really?_ thought Morgan.

"Really. It will be fun. You'll see."

Reid sincerely hoped he would see. He could only wish for a quick resolution to the case, or timing that would make it difficult for the jet to leave in a hurry.

* * *

The glitz and glamour was more subdued than in Vegas, but the historic architecture, the sheer enormity of the buildings, and the vibrant energy of the people all combined to make Reid fall in love with the city. And that was even without JJ showing him the sights. He couldn't restrain himself from talking about it at dinner.

"It's amazing! I grew up in Vegas, but I've never seen this many people moving around a city in my whole life. And they're all headed somewhere. There's no dawdling. Even the tourists seem like they're in a hurry."

As he spoke, he made yet another unsuccessful attempt to pick up a morsel of food with his chopsticks.

JJ had already quietly spoken to Hotch about it. Their leader would find a reason for them to spend some extra time in New York. After all, he'd reasoned, they couldn't have the genius on their team unfamiliar with the country's most famous city. JJ would be able to show Reid some of the reasons New York was so revered.

"Thanks, Hotch. It's just….I don't think he would ever come here on his own, and…"

"I know, JJ. And thank you for offering to show him around."

_It's not a hardship, Hotch._ She was surprised that no one else on the team seemed to realize that.

Now she had to rescue him from his dilemma at dinner. They were all teasing him about not having gotten any food into his mouth using the chopsticks provided. All of them had laughed when he'd asked the waiter for a fork. It was good-natured ribbing, but JJ realized that Reid was a bit thin-skinned in this type of situation.

"Here, Spence, see if this helps." She joined the chopsticks with a rubber band, and demonstrated how to use them.

He was grateful that at least one of them wasn't laughing at him. But he still only succeeded in bringing a single strand of noodle _near_ his mouth. _And they wonder why I can't gain weight._

In short order, Gideon was notified of another victim, and the dinner was aborted. Not so Reid's appetite. _Hungry again._

* * *

They'd gotten their unsub, a court clerk determined to exact retribution for what he perceived were uncompensated crimes. And, to Reid's delight, the team would be in New York until the following afternoon.

"JJ, did you mean what you said? Will you show me around? I mean, I don't want to be any trouble…..if you might have other plans…."

"My only plans are with you, Spence. What would you like to see first? The museums? The Empire State Building? Macy's?"

"I think I'd like to see Ground Zero, actually."

The site of one of the most devastating attacks ever on US soil. JJ hadn't seen it herself, and wanted to. She'd been to Windows on the World, at the top of the World Trade Center. But not to the hole in the ground left when the towers fell.

"So would I. Anybody else?" The team was just breaking its meeting at the end of the case. Hotch and Gideon declined, having been to New York since the attack, and made the same pilgrimage. But Morgan and Elle decided to accompany them.

The foursome approached the area silently. It seemed most of the people present were quiet, in marked contrast to the rest of the city. It felt sacred, and they all behaved as though they were in a place of worship.

The profilers stood with their hands on the railing, looking down into the space that was being reconstructed as a memorial to those lost. But none of them saw the construction. Each mind's eye was focused on scenes from that terrible day, each heart remembering how it felt to be broken. Without a word, each of the foursome slid a hand along the railing to the next, so that all four were joined in the moment. Neither that day, nor its memory, was meant to be lived alone.

Morgan needed to move away from it, and broke off. Elle followed him, leaving Reid and JJ connected at the rail.

"I'm gonna head on back. I need to pick up a couple of things for my sisters. They'd kill me if they thought I'd been to the city without shopping for them."

"Ooh, shopping, yes! I'll come too. See you guys for dinner tonight?" Elle had her arm linked with Morgan's, prepared to set off.

"We're not sure yet, Elle. One of us will call you later on." JJ didn't want any time constrictions on their tour.

As their colleagues headed off, JJ and Reid walked over to Battery Park, and took up seats on the seawall. From there, they could see the Statue of Liberty.

"She's beautiful, JJ. Just to think, she was the first thing so many people saw when they came stateside to start their new lives."

JJ shook her head. "I always loved history when I was a kid. I used to try to picture myself living in another time, and wonder what my life would have been like. But just the journey over was grueling for so many people. So many died on the way. The people who made it here had to be really tough. I don't know that I would have it in me."

Reid shifted his gaze from Lady Liberty to the woman beside him.

"You're tougher than you think you are. You don't look it...but I've seen you handle some pretty rough characters. Maybe not physically…but they sure do seem to learn not to mess with Jennifer Jareau."

That brought a surprised smile on her face. _Is he teasing me?_ Despite her best efforts, he'd never quite relaxed enough to do that before. She laughed with pleasure at the change.

"Yeah? Well, then you'd just better make sure you do as I say, Spencer Reid."

"Don't I always?"

Actually, he did. Mostly because he trusted her to lead him in the right direction, and he'd become dependent on her to show him which it was. Today, that direction was about to lead them to another NYC landmark.

"Next stop, the Empire State Building. As in 'Sleepless in Seattle'."

He looked puzzled, not recognizing the reference. "Don't you mean 'An Affair to Remember'?"_  
_

Now she was surprised. "You know that movie?" She'd always been told it was a 'chick flick'.

"I thought I told you, my mom was a major fan of old movies. On the days when she couldn't bring herself to get out of bed, when she couldn't even read, she would have me roll the TV into her bedroom, and spend the whole time watching old films."

"And you watched with her?" JJ tried to picture a young Spencer lying next to his mother, watching the classics.

He shrugged. "It was the only way to spend time together on those days. She didn't even like to talk much then. She'd just recite the characters' dialogues."

Every time he told her a new detail, the strangeness of Reid's early life became more clear to JJ. 

_It's not surprising he has difficulty in social situations. It's just a wonder he's as good as he is._

They'd been walking and talking, keeping apace with the hurried New Yorkers, and now they were at their destination. Reid held the door for JJ and followed her into the lobby, where they both stopped short.

"Whoa."

"You're right. I didn't expect that. I guess I haven't been here since I was a girl."

The line was at least forty deep. And that was just for the tickets. There was a second line for the elevators.

"It's all right. I'd rather see more of the sights, if it's all the same to you."

"Fine by me, Spence. Maybe we'll make another trip someday."

He laughed. "I don't think New York will be anxious to need the BAU again anytime soon."

She smiled. "I meant, just to visit. It would be great to come here at Christmas time. That's what I remember most from when I was young."

_Before my sister died. When it was still fun. _It had been a long time before she'd visited the Big Apple again.

"What's so special about Christmas in New York?" They were again walking briskly with the crowd, but he hadn't any idea where she was bringing him.

"What's so spec…..Spence, haven't you ever heard of Radio City Music Hall? Or the tree? Or Macy's? Wasn't 'Miracle on 34th Street' one of the classics you watched with your mom?"

He was familiar with the reference, but not the actual film. "My mom wasn't a big fan of traditional holidays. She thought they were government plots to distract the masses."

JJ stopped short, and was run into by three people following behind her. Reid had to grab her arm to keep her from falling. When the chaos was sorted out, they started out again, but he kept a hand on her arm.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, that was stupid. Typical tourist."

"What made you stop like that?"

"What you said. That your mother didn't believe in celebrating the holidays. Does that mean you didn't celebrate Christmas?"

The shock in her tone made him almost embarrassed to answer. "Well, my dad wanted to celebrate, at least a little. So we got each other a gift, but that was about it. I remember he brought home a tree one year, but we had to get rid of it, because my mom thought the wires for the lights were electronic listening devices. We never tried a tree after that. And, after my dad left….well, we didn't do anything at home."

"So you never celebrated anything?"

"At school, a little. That was how I knew about most of the holidays. But it just wasn't something we did at home. I didn't really miss it, JJ." He was feeling a bit defensive of his mother. "I never had it to miss."

She wasn't to be put off. "Well, still. We'll have to get back here for Christmas, then. I want you to see the city as I remember it. We'll see the Rockettes, and the tree, and Macy's window, and FAO Schwartz, and…."

"Now _that_, I've heard of, FAO Schwartz. Isn't that the place where you can play with the toys?"

"Like in 'Big'?" She looked at him, suspecting this to be a cultural reference he _would _know.

She was right. "Exactly! The big piano! Can we go see that?"

"It's a little bit of a walk from here, but…sure, if you want to." JJ pointed ahead of them. "Do you know where you are now?"

The JumboTron gave it away. "We're in Times Square!"

"We are."

"Wow." He spun slowly around, taking in sights he'd only seen on his television screen before this. Then he gifted her with some 'useful' facts.

"Did you know the time ball marking the new year has been dropped every year since 1907? Well, 1908, really. It fell one second after midnight that year. And it's fallen every year since, except 1942 and 1943, because there was a blackout due to the war. They think at least a million people are here every New Year's Eve."

JJ was amazed. He hadn't known they would be going to Times Square. _He just had that information inside his head somewhere._

And he wasn't done. "There have been six balls over the years. The most recent was put into use in 2009. It's an icosahedral geodesic sphere."

JJ gave the slow nod associated with a lack of understanding. "Really." Then she spied something she'd been looking for. "There's the newest thing _I'm_ interested in. C'mon, let's go inside!"

Later, he would reflect, _I had no idea one could spend quite that much time in the M&M store._

* * *

They hadn't met up with Morgan and Elle for dinner after all, being too full from the requisite feast of New York pizza and vendor pretzels.

"See, I'm right, aren't I? You've never really had pizza before, have you? Outside New York, it's all just 'round food'."

He had to admit it. She _was _right. He'd not had quite that taste experience before. But he wouldn't mind having it again.

"I always knew I liked pizza better than Chinese. But, before this, I thought it was just because of the utensils."

She laughed. "Did you ever actually get anything to eat last night, Spence?"

He shook his head. "But I had an amazing bagel this morning. I think I might have to come back just to _eat_ my way through New York."

"I'm in for that! Any time."

He didn't dare look at her for as long as he wanted to. _How about tomorrow? And the next day? And the next? _But he couldn't actually say what he was feeling. Or why he was feeling it. Instead, he asked another question.

"Did you mean what you said before, JJ? About coming back sometime….maybe at Christmas?"

She heard something in his voice. Hope? Longing? And suddenly she wasn't sure she should feed it. Wasn't sure how he felt, or how _she_ felt. But they _had_ enjoyed themselves today. And they _were_ getting closer. _Why not?_

"Of course, Spence. When we get back, we should look at our calendars and plan a long weekend. Providing we don't have a case, of course."

Of course.

* * *

But they _did_ have a case. And it took them as far away from New York as one could get in the contiguous forty-eight. Reid had accompanied Gideon to an event in LA, and as luck would have it, they stumbled into a case that required the whole team to join them. One that would leave both JJ and Reid ruminating after it was over.

She wasn't accustomed to buying such magazines, usually didn't even notice them in the rack. But the familiar face on the cover beckoned to her. And she found herself opening it and reading even before she left the parking lot.

_But they always make these things up, right? He wouldn't have…he...he just met her!_

Having been caught off guard about it before, JJ was more attuned to the fact that she was feeling just a little bit jealous at the thought of Reid with someone else. Especially a Hollywood starlet.

_Maybe I'm_ _more than a little bit jealous. But I shouldn't be, right? I mean, we've never actually gone on a real date. And we're not involved. Are we?_

She began to think about the term.

_What does 'involved' mean, anyway? That we care about each other? Check. That we're in each other's lives? Check. That we rely on each other? Check, sort of. That we're romantic? No check._

But that was something that could change. The question was, did she want it to? Did he?

At the BAU, Reid was sitting in the near dark, illuminated only by the work lamp on his desk. He'd just tossed his copy of the same magazine into the trash bin at his side. The whole LA experience had been anathema to him.

His entire prior life experience had taught him to avoid beautiful young women at all costs. All of them had been treacherous to him. Until JJ. And, now, Lila. A second gorgeous creature who managed to be nice, as well. And who had a particular interest in him. He didn't have precedent for this in his life, and now it had happened twice. He wasn't at all sure how to deal with it.

Not to mention The Kiss. He was an experienced kisser, if you counted pillows and arms. But kissing the flesh and blood opposite sex had eluded the child prodigy, who'd mostly been a good eight or ten years younger, not to mention a foot shorter, than his targets. But Lila…..she'd kissed him, and he'd kissed her back. As though he'd done it all his life_._

_I kissed her! In the pool! Just like I knew what I was doing!_

But then she'd been angry with him for not telling her about the death of her manager, even though he was acting under orders. And then he'd wrestled her female stalker, and managed to keep any of them from getting hurt. As much as he was nonplussed by the sexual aspects of the whole experience, he was thrilled to have captured an unsub without violence. 

_It can be done. And I can do it._

Reid even thought he saw a new respect in Morgan's eyes. The older profiler had seemed impressed with his younger colleague's turn in the spotlight. Reid had sensed enough of a closing of the distance between them that he'd actually asked Morgan for advice.

He'd asked if the more experienced man had ever gotten involved with anyone from a case. And, despite Morgan's reputation, whether deserved or not, as a womanizer, the man had told Reid, "No. Never."

As flattered as Reid had been at Lila's interest, as exciting as her advances had been, he was still relieved to hear it from Morgan. Because most of him knew his heart was otherwise engaged. And he needed an excuse to let go of the temptation in Los Angeles.

But he didn't need to let go of the memory. Reid retrieved the magazine from his trash bin and locked it securely in his bottom drawer. He might not ever visit it again. But it was nice to know it was there.


	10. Chapter 10

**Prelude**

**Chapter 10**

_Vacation. They're all saying the word like it's a good thing. But that's only because they have other plans. Other than going home. Other than spending time in a mental hospital. Other than watching someone fade away. Why won't Hotch let me stay and work? Garcia will still be here. And so will JJ. I could work with her. I could sit in her office, and go through the zillion files on her desk. I could sit in her office and talk with her. I could sit in her office with her…_

Vaguely, in the periphery of his vision, Reid could see Morgan and Elle stacking things on their desks, putting things in drawers, smiles on their faces, getting ready to go. Since Hotch had taken over the administrative tasks from Gideon, he'd run things as tightly as they could on what was essentially an emergency service. He'd asked them all to reach consensus on vacation requests, and put in for the entire team at once. Excluding, of course, Garcia, who was, technically, part of a different service, and JJ.

_Why can't she be off with the rest of us? Maybe I could have stayed around for a few days, and we'd have done something._

But the FBI had other plans. JJ would work through the others' vacations, and have a full case- and work- schedule waiting for them when they got back.

_But then that means she'll have another two weeks off when we're all working. That means another two weeks without her._

She'd become an increasing part of his daily thought process. He would look to see if the light was on in her office each time he arrived to the BAU, and stop to say goodbye if it was still on when it was time to leave. Reid especially treasured those moments at the end of the day. JJ was always more than ready for a break, and welcomed his visits. For the first time in his life, he found himself successfully making small talk.

_We know enough about each other to do it. I know what she might find interesting. And she knows the same about me….well, I guess I find everything interesting, so I'm easy. But that's what it takes. I just never knew anyone so well before. And no one has ever known me._

He was also becoming dependent on her for the success of his interactions with others. Without them having ever discussed or planned it, he'd fallen into the habit of searching out her response whenever he spoke publicly, whenever he delivered a profile or taught a task force about some obscure concept or set of facts. JJ would give him a subtle nod or shake of the head to cue him about whether he was communicating well. And she'd even gotten into the habit of shifting her position to let him know if he'd gone on too long. Very gradually, JJ was pleased to see, Reid started to pick up on nuances of others' behaviors as well. The 'JJ crash course in social integration' was beginning to pay off.

There had been no more 'undates' alone, but JJ had orchestrated a few evenings out for drinks for the junior members of the team, recognizing the benefit of spending some bonding time _not_ in the pursuit of a serial killer. Had it been anyone but JJ, Reid would probably have declined the invitation. But it _was_ JJ, and it was an opportunity to spend more time with her. In the process, he was getting to know Morgan and Elle as well.

"Hey, if it isn't the pretty boy. Want to change your mind and come with us to the islands?"

Morgan was feeling magnanimous, inviting Reid along with himself and Elle. He had a connection at the resort that would be hosting them.

Reid wasn't feeling so magnanimous. Especially about having been called 'the pretty boy'. It was a term dangerously close to some that had been used with malicious intent when he was in high school.

"No, thanks. I've got other plans."

"What are you doing?" Elle was curious about what might outrank a week in Jamaica.

"I'm going home. To visit my family."

JJ had been passing by and caught the final exchange. Apart from Gideon, she was the only one on the team who knew that Reid's family consisted of only one other person, and that she resided in a mental hospital. JJ made a silent note to herself to catch Reid before he left.

_He doesn't look or sound happy about it. But I'm sure he'll never let the others know._

Gideon swept out of his office and bade everyone a good two weeks off. He would be spending his with Sarah. Hotch followed soon after, a rare smile on his face. JJ smiled in return. She probably worked the most closely with Hotch, running cases by him for BAU involvement, deciding together on how to handle the locals…..both press and LEOs. She was glad to see him looking relaxed, clearly anticipating the time alone with his wife and infant son. 

_You deserve it._

Even as she had the thought, JJ sensed Reid sweeping by her as well, evidently in a hurry to get somewhere…..or just in a hurry to get away from the inquiring minds of Morgan and Elle.

"Spence!" She ran off after him, catching him at the elevator.

"Are you in that much of a hurry?" She tried to catch her breath as she spoke.

He didn't seem to want to make eye contact.

"I have a plane to catch." He impatiently pushed the 'down' button two more times.

"Well, maybe I can walk you to the door while we chat."

"What do we need to chat about?"

He'd seemed annoyed, and JJ was surprised that she wasn't having her usual luck in bringing him out of it.

"Spence, are you upset with me?"

That broke him. "No. I just….nothing. I'm not upset with you."

For the first time in her memory, JJ was grateful at the slow progress of the FBI elevator.

"Well, good, then. I just asked because you don't look that happy to be starting on your vacation. And I was wondering…" Suddenly she was shy about bringing it up. _I don't really have the right, do I_? But it was Spence, and she knew no one_ else_ was going to worry about him…..

"You just don't seem that happy to be going to visit your mom."

"JJ, my mom lives in a mental hospital. Granted, it's a good one, and she seems happy there…or at least as happy as she knows how to be….but it's still a mental hospital. Do you understand what that's like?"

She was effectively silenced. What could she possibly say to that? Nothing but the truth.

"You're right. I don't. I haven't a clue what it's like. I'm not even sure I can imagine it. But I can see that it upsets you. That's all, Spence. That's the only reason I asked. I just wanted to make sure you were all right." She paused, as she studied him. "Are you? All right, that is?"

He had the grace to look abashed at having challenged her, when all she wanted was to reach out to him. Reid studied the floor as he replied to her.

"I'm all right. I'm used to it. As used to it as someone can get, anyway. It's just that…it's just…..it's not all that enjoyable, you know? The place is okay, and Dr. Norman is great…..but….none of the people there are free. They're all trapped by their own minds. And…..after you spend a little time there….you start to feel it yourself. Like it could happen to you. It's sad. And it's scary."

At the time, she didn't fully understand what he meant. Didn't fathom the reality of the fear on his part, nor the truth of its threat.

The elevator bell rang as JJ reached out to him, laying a hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry, Spence. You were right to think I didn't know. I didn't. But I hope you have a good visit with your mother. Hurry home."

_Home_, he thought. _Not Vegas. But here. Home. Where JJ is._

* * *

_Vacation doesn't seem to last very long around here._

Garcia was furiously typing away at her keyboard, annoyed that the BAU team was reassembling so quickly after having left. Advances in electronics, and the availability of more and more information on line, had paradoxically limited the number of teams she could support at the same time. The more information available to find, the more tasks assigned her, and the more she needed to focus her energies. She was now one of a larger team of technical analysts, and while she assisted with others, her primary duties were now with the BAU. So, with the majority of the team away, she was able to catch up on some system maintenance….and to play. But now they were coming back early, and she had to get ready for them.

JJ ran into Garcia's lair with folders in hand. "Reid's meeting the others at the site. His plane just landed."

"Did you see Elle? She looked awful."

JJ nodded. "I know. I guess that's what happens when you spend the entire night being interrogated as a suspect in a murder case."

Garcia agreed. "But it's not as bad as opening a package to find a severed head looking back at you." She shivered at the thought of what Gideon's Sarah must have experienced. "Remind me to never go on vacation with these people."

JJ had actually been wishing she might have had some overlapping time off with Reid. She'd wanted to show him some parts of the city she thought his proclivities wouldn't lead him to. But now she wasn't so sure.

"I think you might be right, Pen."

"Oh, I almost forgot, Jayje. Speaking of packages….that one came for you earlier."

It was too flat to hold a head, JJ realized with a sense of relief. But she still gasped when she opened it.

"A butterfly. Who would send me a butterfly?"

* * *

Elle was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She'd been held and grilled for hours, in a foreign country, uncertain whether her status as a US federal agent would hold any weight against a charge of murder. _Thank God for Morgan._ He'd been able to run interference, to call for help, to effectively hold her together until they could get back to DC.

And now she was grateful for her other junior team member as well. Having bonded over their shared experience in the train car, the relationship between the two had lost its awkwardness. And Elle had developed a respect for Reid's good heart as well as his formidable intellect. 

_And now he's going to come in and solve the case for us….aren't you, Reid?_

He'd already figured out several layers of cryptic messages left for them at the newest murder scene.

"Don't ever leave us again," she'd teased him. And he'd smiled, glad to have been of help…and happy to have received good-natured teasing for a change.

* * *

An unsub was targeting the team. So far, he didn't seem to be interested in hurting any of them. But he _was_ interested in hurting other people, and involving the team by implication. And he'd started sending gifts. Reid counted himself lucky to have received only a key, and not a severed head.

The team meeting had been tense, as they'd come to realie that the unsub had known the exact whereabouts of each of them. It had gotten even more tense when Gideon exploded at poor Penelope, whose online gaming had apparently given the unsub access to classified information. There were shared glances all around the table as their leader gave voice to his frustration. JJ and Reid settled their eyes on one another, communicating their discomfort with the situation, their concern for Garcia…..and a realization of something else.

Seeing her exhaustion, Hotch sent Elle home right after the team meeting. At the same time, JJ pulled Reid aside.

"Spence…..I've never told anyone else."

"You didn't." It wasn't a question. Although she'd not asked him to keep her confidence, he'd had the sense that she had shared the story only with him. "So, how…"

"Exactly. How? Could he have been listening to us? But we were at my place….." Her eyes went wide. "Spence, do you think he's been to my apartment?" Now she was unnerved.

So was he. "I don't know. But I don't think you should be there alone, just in case."

"But where…"

"Maybe Garcia could put you up for a few days, until we figure this out_._" _A few days._ _Dr. Optimist._

"I guess I could ask her."

"Please, JJ. I would feel better…" He stopped himself abruptly. _You idiot, why would it matter to her how it makes you feel?_

But JJ didn't mind. It felt….affectionate….protective….nice. And although she'd been about to remind him that she was an FBI agent, she didn't. She knew how he'd meant it, and she appreciated it.

Still, she had another thought. "You didn't tell anyone else, did you?"

"Who would I…." Reid stopped abruptly, mid-sentence, his mouth falling open in discovery.

"What? Spence, what?" JJ could see his eyes moving rapidly back and forth, as though he was scanning something. 

_His memory. His eidetic memory._

Once his eyes stopped moving, she asked him again.

"What? You remembered something, didn't you?"

"My mother. I told my mother. I write her a letter every day, and I always tell her something important from my day. But I never gave it a second thought before. I mean, I'm never even sure she's able to read the letters, let alone tell anyone about them."

JJ couldn't help but notice that her telling him about her childhood love of butterflies had apparently been deemed an 'important' part of Spence's day.

"Did you write to her about the baseball card?"

The eyes started scanning again. "Not the card. But I told her about Gideon being a baseball fan." He started for the door, clearly agitated.

"Where are you…"

He turned, cutting her off. "Tell Hotch and Gideon. There's something I have to do."

* * *

Hours, and several false leads, later, the team was reassembling in the round table room. Elle had been shot, raising the stakes in the case sky high.

JJ raced in quickly…..and stopped short. There, sitting in a chair pushed up against the wall, was an older, female version of Spencer Reid. 

_He brought her here_?

She flashed a look at Reid.

_You'll understand in a minute._

He walked over to stand next to the woman. "JJ, I'd like to introduce you to my mother, Diana Reid. Mom, this is Jennifer Jareau. JJ. My friend."

Apart from the Reids, JJ was the only other person in the room who knew anything at all about the woman's history. Morgan had entered right behind her, and been introduced as well. He had a 'what the…" look to his face. But JJ simply smiled, and shook her hand, noting that Diana gave hers far more easily than her son had done when JJ had first met him.

Reid went on to explain Diana's presence, and her connection to the case. JJ thought she read guilt in his voice as he spoke, as though he'd put the lunatic plan of their unsub into play, and gotten Elle shot, simply by writing to his mother. 

_Oh, Spence._

When the meeting was over, the team dispersed too quickly for JJ to talk to him about it.

* * *

"Is he all right? Garcia, is he all right?"

They'd been told Reid had been trying to reason with the unsub when the crazed man had blown himself up.

"Did he get hurt? Did any of them?"

"Calm down, Jayje. Morgan said he got singed when his clothes went on fire…"

"He was on fire?!"

"Just for a minute. Morgan and Hotch put him out. He's okay, Jayje. And they got the girl."

_Thank God._ "Does his mother know?"

"He made Morgan promise to tell us not to say anything to her until he's back. He didn't want to worry her."

_He doesn't want her to decompensate._

JJ decided to go and sit with Diana while they waited for the rest of the team to return.

"Mrs. Reid?" Diana hadn't moved from the seat, nor the position, she'd been left in at the end of the team meeting. "Mrs. Reid, can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?"

The older woman startled slightly, as though she'd been lost in thought. "Oh. Thank you, dear, that would be nice."

JJ wasn't sure if she was saying yes to tea or coffee, so she made a mug of each, and placed both of them before Diana, planning to take whatever the older woman didn't want.

Diana smiled at her when she returned. But it was a strange kind of smile, one that didn't quite raise the corners of her mouth, and that barely reached her eyes.

"Thank you. Jennifer, was it?"

"Yes ma'am. But most people call me JJ."

"Thank you, Jennifer."

JJ couldn't help but smile at the woman's formality. It was so reminiscent of Reid when he first joined the team.

"Spencer is on his way back. They've caught the man who was responsible for the killings, and they were able to save the girl he was holding."

"My boy is so smart, isn't he? And brave, too. He had to be, growing up. I'm glad he's using it to help people now. But I wish he wasn't working for ….._the government_."

She'd whispered the final words, eyes shifting around the room as though looking for spy equipment.

JJ was skilled at dealing with the press, and handling grieving families. Paranoia wasn't her strong suit.

_Do I play along with her? Or do I reassure her? How in the world did Spence know how to deal with this as a boy?_

Admiration and understanding for her friend again crept up a notch.

She decided on diversion. "How long will you be visiting Spence?"

"_Spencer_ didn't tell me. He just sent some goons to wrestle me onto an airplane. He _knows_ I'm afraid to fly. Why would he do that to me? Why?"

The woman was clearly getting more agitated.

JJ started praying for Reid to hurry back. _I just keep making this worse and worse_.

Her prayers were answered. In her peripheral vision, JJ saw Hotch, Reid and Morgan arrive back to the bullpen.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Reid. I'll be right back."

She met Reid on the stairs, detecting the scent of burned fabric.

"Spence, are you all right? Were you burned?"

"Just my clothes." He showed her the back of his pants leg, where the fabric had burned through. JJ could see a blister forming on the exposed skin.

"Not just your clothes, Spence. I can see it on your leg...that's a bad burn!"

He angled his head back to look. From the time he realized the unsub was going to detonate the bomb, right up until he'd returned to the BAU, Reid had been on an adrenaline rush. He hadn't even felt the pain.

"Oh. All right, I'll take care of it later. How is my mom doing? She doesn't know, does she?"

JJ looked guilty. "I'm sorry, Spence. I was trying to keep her company, but I'm afraid I got her upset. Well, not me, I guess. But she was upset because she thought we were spying on her, and she doesn't like to fly, and …."

A look of recognition mixed with sorrow crossed Reid's face. There was such distance between them now, he'd almost allowed himself to think she was somehow different. Not normal, maybe, but….better. Now, he was hearing a recounting that could have been about any of thousands of days he'd spent with her in his youth.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that, JJ. It wasn't you. There wasn't anything you could have done to change it. Believe me, I know."

She put a hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, Spence. Should I go back up with you?"

He shook his head. "I'll deal with it. Thanks for trying."

* * *

Hotch had said nothing about Diana's condition, despite the fact that she'd gotten a bit loud about being surrounded by feds. He'd simply told Reid he was sorry that he couldn't let him stay in Vegas for more than a few hours. The jet needed to return right away, to be available in Virginia.

_I didn't even have to ask. He knew a commercial flight would be a disaster. And he knew I had to go with her._

And, in typical Hotch fashion, he hadn't expected any thanks or recognition. 

_He saw what was necessary, and he made it happen._

Reid knew, from overhearing their comments, that others in the FBI found Aaron Hotchner to be humorless, even cold. They translated it into heartlessness. But Reid knew better. The young genius had experienced nothing but kindness from the man. 

_He just tries to accomplish it without being noticed._

Reid was not unfamiliar with kindness. In his younger years, he'd been the recipient of small kindnesses from time to time. Usually it had been a neighbor, or an insightful teacher. Even some of the police who regularly responded to Diana's frantic calls about invisible intruders.

But most of them had been transients in his life. Now, for the first time, he was in ongoing relationship with those who helped him and, for the first time, he was in a position to reciprocate. It made him feel bound to them in a way that might have surprised them, had they known. Reid vowed to himself that he would return kindness in kind, without being asked. The vow, and the plan, began to sensitize the needy young man to the needs of others.

Just after the jet landed again in Virginia, Reid was pulled out of his reverie when his phone alerted him to a text message.

HOT CHOCOLATE?

He didn't even have to look to know whom it was from. Ever since the undate, it had been their code for needing to talk. Or thinking that the other might need to. He smiled at the invitation.

TWENTY MINUTES? He texted back.

ALREADY HERE. DOUBLE WHIPPED CREAM WAITING FOR YOU!

He grinned.

SWEET.


	11. Chapter 11

**Prelude**

**Chapter 11**

"Hey, Pretty Boy! How was your weekend?"

Pretty Boy. Apparently the new appellation was going to stick around.

_Should I say something? But it doesn't sound quite like it did back in high school…or college, for that matter. He doesn't seem to be trying to hurt me with it. It's almost like he thinks it's my name. Along with 'Kid'. Kid 'Pretty Boy' Reid, that's me._

"Uneventful. How was yours?"

"Ooh, 'Miss Saturday Night'…she was somethin'". Morgan almost seemed to cultivate his image as a 'playa'.

Reid had gradually become more comfortable with Morgan. Comfortable enough to be sardonic.

"But not the same person as 'Miss Friday Night', right?"

"You trying to make a point, Pretty Boy?"

Reid shrugged as he walked off to refill his coffee mug. "Who, me? Never."

Before he could return to his desk, JJ leaned over the railing from upstairs and called down to tell the bullpen they were wanted in the conference room. Reid exchanged a look with Elle and Morgan. They'd been told there was nothing in the queue for them. Something urgent must have come up.

Reid saw it as soon as he entered the round table room. JJ's stance didn't demonstrate her usual confidence. Something about the case she was about to present was throwing her off. Once she got underway, he understood. She'd lobbied for this one, virtually solicited the police request for them to get involved. And all because of a family connection to the frantic mother of a missing teen.

_She's under pressure. I guess having a family can be as stressful, in its own way, as not having one_.

His profiling skills told him she was also embarrassed about having brought this to the team for such a personal reason. And for having forced them into it, by getting a reluctant police chief to invite them.

* * *

It turned out she'd been right to get the team involved. The girls had been taken, and emotionally brutalized. One of them had died…at the hands of the others. It was something none of the team, including Gideon, had encountered before. And none wished to ever encounter it again. The plane ride home took place in virtual silence.

Reid's book was open on his lap, but he hadn't turned a page in ten minutes. He kept his head down as his eyes kept creeping up to steal glances at JJ. They'd all been affected by what had happened in North Mammon, but he could tell that she was more burdened than the rest. He made a point of waiting near the door after the others had already exited, as JJ made her usual final sweep of the jet, making sure no case materials or personal items had been left behind.

"You okay?" She'd gotten near enough for him to address her.

So far she'd managed to avoid looking at him. He'd already demonstrated his ability to read her, and she didn't want to be read just now. She flashed him a quick glance as she responded.

"Yes."

He raised his brows at her, saying nothing. But it was enough for her to feel his scrutiny.

"No."

"Should we get some hot chocolate?"

She smiled at the offer. "Thanks, Spence. But I really don't feel up to it just now. I think I'd like to just go home. Maybe tomorrow?"

He squinted at her. 

_Is there something you don't trust me with?_

But all he said was, "Okay. Maybe tomorrow."

* * *

Driving home, Reid's mind went back to their last round of hot chocolate. The night he'd returned from delivering his mother back to Bennington. He'd arrived to the coffee shop to see JJ sitting at what was becoming their favorite table, two steaming cups in front of her, both mounded with whipped cream.

"Wow, you weren't kidding!"

"I told Mandy you'd had a bad day."

The older of the two baristas was fond of Reid. JJ suspected the younger one was too, but more in the way of a having a crush on the good looking young man.

Reid looked over his shoulder to the coffee bar and waved his thanks at Mandy, who smiled back at him.

He turned back to JJ with a grin on his face. "I'll bet I got more whipped cream than you did."

"No bet." She laughed, studying him. "So, are you okay?"

He shrugged. "I'm used to it, I guess."

He was quiet for a few moments before continuing. Being able to sit in comfortable silence with each other was something both of them treasured.

Then he continued. "It's funny. When she first went to Bennington…when I first had her committed…."

JJ noticed the subtle change in tone as Reid corrected himself. _He still feels so guilty._

"…anyway….when she first went to Bennington, she was so angry. So hurt." He stopped himself again.

_You're not okay, Spence. Why else would you have such trouble talking about it?_

"She hated it. But, gradually, she got better, little by little. The staff there is great with her, especially Dr. Norman. He was excited for her progress at first. But then, the drugs seemed to lose their effect on her, and he had to try others. They would work for a while, and then they would stop being effective. He told me once that he's never had a case like my Mom's before. That usually he can find a regimen and stabilize the patient on it, and they're able to live on the outside. But every time my Mom got close…..she relapsed. And now the best he can do is to give her a few really clear days now and then. But at least her rages are controlled."

"Rages?"

"Not really angry rages, just…when she was afraid of something, or someone….she would fight them. But most of the time her paranoia is pretty mild, so she's mostly calm."

JJ nodded. "She was starting to get agitated just before you got back from the scene yesterday. I guess all the changes weren't helpful to her trying to stay calm."

Reid looked an apology at JJ. "I'm sorry if she gave you a hard time."

She shook her head, brushing it off. "Don't be sorry, Spence. I'm glad I got to meet her, anyway. You look so much alike."

He smiled at that. "I saw a couple of pictures of her when she was young. She was beautiful. But the illness takes its toll on that as well. It's like her face forgot what a smile was supposed to look like. When she does it, it almost looks like she's trying to imitate somebody else's smile. It doesn't fit on her face. It looks fake."

JJ remembered the strange expression Diana had showed her in the conference room. Reid's description was pretty accurate.

"How was she when you brought her back?"

"That's the funny thing, JJ. She was so upset to have gone to Bennington in the first place. But now it's home for her. The happiest I've seen her in years was when I brought her back there this afternoon."

"Maybe she feels safe there?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. I know she trusts Dr. Norman. I can see it. She looks at him the way she used to look at me."

His eyes were fixed on the table, not able to meet hers. JJ put her hand into his field of vision and raised it so that he would follow it and raise his eyes.

"Used to?"

He broke his gaze off again, alerting her that this was a very tender subject.

"Spence?"

He took in a deep breath and released it before responding.

"She used to trust me, except on her very worst days. But then…"

JJ sat back with a nod of understanding. "But then you got her the help she needed, and it got between you."

He looked at her long enough to give a small smile.

"When you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad. But, when it happened, she thought I was betraying her. And that's how I felt."

JJ kept steady eyes on him. "You were eighteen, right? How on earth did you get through that on your own? Didn't you have anyone at all to help you?"

He shook his head. "Dad was gone, as you know. And I had gotten as many university degrees as I could without leaving Vegas. I was headed to Cal Tech in three days. It had to be then." He broke his eyes off again. "Sometimes I wonder if I did it because of that. So that I could be away at graduate school, and not have to worry about her."

"That would have been an okay reason, Spence. Making sure she was taken care of."

He wouldn't look up again. "Mm-hmm."

JJ studied the top of Reid's head, trying to read between the lines.

"I gather there's a 'but' in there. What is it?"

It wasn't sad eyes that met hers. Those, she would have expected. But the haunted eyes…those she didn't understand.

"What, Spence?"

"It's true that I didn't want to have to worry about her. That I wanted her to get the help that she constantly refused." Another deep sigh. "But it's also true that I didn't want to watch her. I didn't want to have to witness her devolving into her delusions. I didn't want to be reminded."

"Reminded?"

His reply explained the haunted look to his eyes. It haunted JJ as well.

"Did you know that schizophrenia is genetically inherited?"

* * *

JJ had left him that night and gone home to immediately research everything she could find on schizophrenia. A ten percent risk for those whose parent or sibling is affected. Paranoia. Catatonia. Hallucinations. Delusions. Onset between eighteen and thirty.

_We just celebrated his twenty-fourth birthday. Oh, Spence!_

Yet another layer peeling back in the complex creature that was Spencer Reid.

_What a burden to carry! First, watching your mother lose her life to this awful disease…..and then knowing that it could happen to you, too._

Suddenly JJ had a sense of how important it was to Reid to make his contributions while he was young. 

_He thinks he may only have a little time._

She resolved to help him concentrate on the ninety percent who _didn't_ get it. And she added, to her nightly prayer, a petition that he would be in that ninety percent.

* * *

This night, Reid was troubled. The case had clearly gotten to JJ, and he hadn't been able to help her with it. He was too new to this type of relationship, and he didn't know how to handle it.

_Do I push her? Probably not. But do I just abandon her? Definitely not._

He began to play the mental game of 'what would JJ do', and acted upon it as soon as he was certain of the answer. For which he was immensely proud of himself.

He pushed her number…..'1'…..on his phone, and waited anxiously through four rings before he was sent to voice mail. He hadn't quite worked through this possibility, so he ended up just staring at the phone until he had the presence of mind to end the call.

_Nice work, Spencer._

Before he had a chance to respond to himself, his phone rang. JJ.

"Hello?"

"Spence? Is that you? Did you just call me?" She sounded a little breathless.

"Um…."

"I was in the other room. I just didn't get to the phone before it rolled over. But then you didn't leave a message. Is everything all right?"

"Umm…..yes. Everything's all right."

"Oh. Good. I thought…well, when you didn't leave a message, I was worried…."

"Sorry, JJ, I didn't mean to worry you. I was caught off guard by the voice mail."

Pause. "So, if everything's all right….why did you call?"

_Go for it, Spencer. You were worried enough to pick up the phone. Follow through!_

He took a deep, calming breath before speaking. "Everything's all right with me. But I had the sense that maybe it wasn't, with you. And I know you didn't want to talk before but…well…I just…..I just wanted to make sure you were okay. To see if maybe you'd changed your mind. To see if you wanted to talk."

He could almost hear her deflating over the phone line. There was a long pause before she spoke again.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I know you were only trying to help. I just…..wasn't ready, I guess. I'm not sure I'm all that ready now. And there's nothing to be done about it anyway. It's all in the past now."

When his eidetic memory played this conversation back to him later, Reid would be thrilled that he'd said what he said next. That he'd actually figured it out_. _

_I'm starting to understand about other people. Or, at least, about this one other person._

"But the case brought you back to it, didn't it? It doesn't exactly seem like the past."

Another long pause. Then, "It doesn't at all. I thought I'd left it all behind me, small town life. But this case brought me right back there. And all I could think was, 'Why do they have to act like that? Why do they treat each other like that?' Because it's so….. vicious….sometimes, you know?"

Reid responded in his quiet voice. "Were they vicious to you?"

Unable to picture a situation where the beautiful Jennifer Jareau would have been treated with anything but awe and respect.

He could hear her heaving a sigh.

"They were ugly. To my whole family. My parents, me. Even my sister. And she was gone. How could they do that to her, Spence? They tried to ruin her after she died. And they almost ruined the rest of us in the process."

He could hear her stifling a sob at the end of her speech.

_She's crying. Now what do I do? Nice move, Spencer._

"JJ? Do you want me to come over there?"

"No…no, Spence. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little raw."

"Do you not want to talk about it any more?"

Long pause. "I don't know. I….I don't know, I don't see how it can help."

"Well…can it hurt?"

Now he could hear a small smile in her voice.

"I guess not. Sticks and stones, right?"

"Hmph! My mother used to say that to me all the time."

"And?"

"And sometimes words _can_ hurt you."

"Amen to that."

Reid was more confident this time. _I know she wants to talk. I know she needs to talk._

"So…..will you tell me about it?"

He could hear the intake and exhalation of a deep breath.

"I guess. It was after my sister died. She was so pretty, Spence, and smart, and popular. I just wanted to _be_ her, you know? Everybody loved her. Except her. She…..I don't know why….the doctors said it was just a chemical thing….but she didn't love herself. She didn't love her life. She was sad on the inside, she couldn't feel happiness. And…..I'm telling this as the doctors said it to us…..being unable to be happy put her into tremendous pain. So she found the only way out that she could think of."

JJ had already shared most of this with him. Reid knew more of the story needed to come out.

"But afterward…..after people found out about it…they didn't say it to our faces, of course. But they all talked about her. And about us. My parents. Me. Our whole family. How somehow we weren't enough for her. How we'd failed her. Or how something…. awful…. something…damaging…..must have happened to her. Everywhere we went, people stared at us. And even when they didn't say anything, their looks were accusing. They wanted to blame us for what she did."

Reid, even hearing the story so many years after the fact, was ready to go to battle on the people of rural Pennsylvania.

"How could they blame you? It was just an illness." _Like my Mom's._

"I don't know if it's like this in every small town, Spence, but the people in our town were just…..small. Everybody knew everybody else. You couldn't get away from it. It's why I couldn't wait for college, so I could leave home."

"They were just afraid, JJ. I saw it a lot when I was growing up. People tried to make my mother's illness somehow her fault, because if it wasn't…"

"If it wasn't her fault, that would mean it could happen to them, too. I know. I didn't understand it as a kid, even though my dad tried hard to help me. But I got there. I understand that they were just afraid. But still….I don't know why they had to make it so much worse for us."

Reid wondered about something. "JJ, don't your parents still live in the same town?"

She gave a bitter laugh. "You're wondering why they didn't just leave, right? Well, my dad….Spence, I love my dad more than I can ever say…..he sat us down one night, my mother and I. And he told us what it would look like if we moved away. That they were right. That our family was broken, and sick. So, he said, we would stay, and show them otherwise."

"Did you?" Almost whispered. Reid wondered if his family might have done the same, if only he'd had a father that had stood by it.

"We did the best we could. The close neighbors were fantastic. They kept us in the social loop of cookouts and holiday parties. My mom probably was the slowest to function again….but we all got there. Not that I didn't still want to get away from the busybodies. But I didn't feel like an outsider anymore."

There was a long, comfortable silence between them. Then Reid heaved a sigh.

"I'm sorry, JJ. For all of it. For how mean people can be, and that you found out the hard way. But I'm glad your family fought back. Your parents must be awesome." 

_Judging by their awesome daughter._

"You know what, Spence? They _are_ pretty awesome. Thanks for reminding me of that." 

_And for bringing me out of myself tonight._

He smiled at the phone. "So, do you have some hot chocolate in the house?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

"Ha. Okay. Well, I seem to have acquired a taste for it myself. So, we'll each make ourselves a mug of it, and toast across town."

She giggled. "I don't have any whipped cream."

"We'll ask Mandy for a double-double next time. Tonight, I will drink a toast to the Jareau family. All four of them."

Across town, JJ teared up at the 'four'. But she knew she needed to be more circumspect.

"And I'll drink a toast to the amazing Diana Reid, and her son, Spencer."

"Spence."


	12. Chapter 12

**Prelude**

**Chapter 12**

Reid watched as Emily Prentiss was enrolled in the Jason Gideon School of Chess. His mentor's face was animated, happy for the new challenge. And the newest member of the BAU team seemed equally as engaged.

Despite feeling a twinge of jealousy, Reid was glad to have some time to himself. He needed to think, to process. So much had happened in the past few months, and he'd been finding it difficult to focus. So, as he'd become accustomed to doing, he'd removed himself to the far end of the plane and laid a book open before him. Only JJ ever seemed to realize it was a sham.

So much had changed for all of them. Beginning, he realized, with the case that had brought his mother to the BAU. Because it had also almost cost Elle her life. And it had definitely cost the female profiler a sense of security. Even in her own home, she hadn't been safe.

_It's no wonder she decompensated. When could she let down? Not in the field. And definitely not at home. Home wasn't safe._

He couldn't imagine not having a safe haven, a place where he could move his thoughts away from the depravity and carnage he dealt with on an almost daily basis. Once he'd realized how Elle must have felt, Reid thanked whatever powers were in charge of the universe for his books, and his music, and his favorite reading chair. And for the ability to sleep at night without the vision of an unsub tainting his sacred space.

He'd known there was something wrong with her the moment she came back. She'd gone rogue on Hotch, trying to bring Reid along with her, all in the guise of trying to help a little boy caught up in a trafficking ring. It had been a low-stakes 'rogue operation', with little chance that anyone would get hurt. But Reid also recognized it as a significant change in her behavior. And he knew it might be a harbinger of more dangerous lapses in judgment. But he didn't know what to do about it.

He was the youngest, least experienced agent on the team. And he was also inexperienced in friendship. Save for the one he had with JJ, and a very few others along the way, all of the relationships in his life had been either too transient or too troubled. But he _did_ have experience with JJ. And she had known how to help him when he'd been in crisis over having killed that unsub. She'd reached out to him, and invited him to talk.

He determined to do the same with Elle. They'd gotten easy with each other over the year or so they'd worked together. But then, the assault had occurred. And, when she'd come back, that ease had hardened. _Elle_ had hardened. So Reid had found it necessary to gather his courage before knocking on the door of her hotel room. Once admitted, he found he didn't really know how to go about drawing her out. Too late, he realized that JJ had skillfully used small talk to put him at ease until he was ready to open up. But Reid wasn't good with small talk. He didn't know how to be anything but direct. And so, he was.

Elle was direct as well. But he didn't understand the emotional impact of what she was telling him. Still, he did notice the alcohol, and it troubled him. She was emotionally upset, and now was also dulling her reflexes….and her inhibitions. She'd offered him a drink, which he'd accepted. But he'd had just the one. He could see that it was neither her first, nor her last, of the evening.

And then, the inevitable. Elle had gone off script once again. But this time she included her weapon. She shot an unsub…a rapist. An unarmed rapist, who wasn't in the act of attacking anyone. No one spoke the obvious. They all let the implication of an honest shoot land in the paperwork. But they all knew.

Reid tried to talk to Morgan about it after the fact, feeling like he'd let her down somehow, by not being able to turn her, and yet not involving anyone else. But Morgan had absolved him of responsibility, saying it was all up to Elle. _She_ was the only person who could have stopped her.

Thinking back on that conversation now, Reid smiled to himself. His relationship with Morgan was definitely evolving. When they'd first met, they'd walked wide circles around one another, Reid quite literally afraid of the larger man, and Morgan seemingly afraid Reid's geekiness would prove to be contagious. But they were gradually finding common ground, and mutual respect. And, though neither of them realized it yet, the rudiments of a real kinship.

The next thing Reid knew, Elle was gone. Just….gone. From the team, and from his life. And, although he knew Garcia would be able to track her down, he'd gained enough interpersonal skill to know that it wouldn't be right. If Elle wanted them in her life, she would reach out. But she wasn't doing so.

In all this time, and despite their friendship, Reid had said nothing to JJ. He couldn't explain it, even to himself….but it would have felt like a betrayal. And so, he kept it to himself.

But then the new agent had arrived. Emily Prentiss. An ambassador's daughter, knocking around several other services within the FBI before landing with the BAU. When she came, Reid was confronted with how much he _really_ didn't like change. It was one thing to lose someone, and altogether another thing to get used to someone new. He started to withdraw a bit from the experience and, in the process, from his team members as well. Until one day in the BAU a few weeks ago...

"Pack your stuff, Spence. Time to go."

It was only four in the afternoon. Reid looked up at JJ, standing beside his desk.

"Time to go where? Do we have a case?"

"Nope."

He was puzzled. "Then what? We can't leave early."

"Actually, yes, we can. We've got so much comp time coming it's not even funny."

"But I've got to finish these files."

JJ took the one he was holding out of his hand and put it back on top of his stack.

"Tomorrow. Come on."

Not sensing a choice in the matter, and completely curious now, Reid did as ordered. He packed his messenger bag and followed JJ to the elevators, and then to the parking lot, where she took his arm and brought him to her vehicle.

"We'll come back for yours later."

Even as he was getting into her car, he quizzed her. "JJ, where are we going?"

She waited until she was pulling out of the lot to answer.

"Hot chocolate."

_Oh. She needs to talk. Okay, sure._

Aloud, he said. "Why didn't you just say so?"

She flashed him a sideways glance. "Because I wasn't sure you would come."

He didn't understand. "Why wouldn't I? You know I'm always there to listen when you need to talk."

She gave him a look, and then chuckled to herself. "It's not me who needs to talk, Spence."

From the corner of her eye, she could see the blush rising. But she couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or angry.

"You okay?" she asked.

Not embarrassed. Not angry. _Snarky._

"Apparently not."

At the same time that she was surprised to hear it in his voice, JJ was also aware that it marked a watershed moment in their relationship. He was so comfortable with her now that he could allow himself to be irritated with her, and to show it. But she knew enough not to point out this sign of success to him in the moment.

"Spence." She paused, trying to think of how to say it. "I'm not trying to make you upset. I hope you know that. I just….well, not just me, I think, but…..I've noticed a change in you recently. You're too quiet. You've kind of removed yourself from the rest of us. Even me."

He closed his eyes, going somewhere in his head, making JJ wish she could follow him. She gave thanks when she saw their destination a short distance down the street.

They both exited the car in silence and Reid held the door for JJ to enter the coffee shop ahead of him. Mandy wasn't on shift yet, but Reid's younger admirer was behind the coffee bar. When Reid suggested JJ get their table while he ordered, she declined.

"I'll wait with you. It's not crowded, anyway."

A little voice….a _very_ little one…way in the back of her mind…..said, _Right, JJ. You just feel like waiting with him today. Nothing to do with the pretty little barista. Nope, nothing at all.  
_

When they had their drinks….Reid's with a particularly large mound of whipped cream….they made their way to 'their' table. And then sat in silence for minutes. But this silence felt uncharacteristically strained.

He wasn't making eye contact, and JJ knew she would have to break into whatever part of his head he'd gone to visit.

"Spence." She reached a hand across the table to tap one of his. "Is something wrong? Did something happen? Please tell me. I just want to help."

Both the hot chocolate and the nearness of JJ began to melt something inside Reid. And he was surprised to realize what it was. But he wasn't at all sure he knew how to explain it.

JJ waited patiently now, able to tell from a slight shift in his facial expression that Reid would, eventually, answer. Several more minutes passed before he did.

He started off by staring at the table, hot chocolate in his hands.

"It probably won't surprise you to hear this, but…." He flashed his eyes to hers, and then back down, "…. I don't make friends easily."

He chanced another look, and could see that she was smiling. He offered a soft chuckle at his own expense.

"So, when I do…..I don't let go easily either."

Understanding crept into JJ's eyes. He hadn't shared with her the full extent of his burden over Elle, but she did know that he'd been fond of his fellow profiler. And that, before her trauma, Elle had been kind to Reid._  
_

The young genius was still struggling to find the right way to explain. But it was requiring an introspection that he'd been avoiding. And what he was learning about himself was difficult.

"So, when Elle left…..it….was hard, I guess. I'd thought we were friends. And I knew she was in trouble. And I tried to help, but….I just wasn't good enough at it. I wasn't enough for her."

JJ squinted at him. "Spence? What do you mean by that?"

He looked at her briefly, and then cast his eyes away, out the window. He explained about his concern, and their conversation, and how he felt like he should have been able to do more. JJ gave him the same advice that Morgan had.

"That wasn't inexperience with friendship, Spence. You did the right thing. It was just that Elle was too…..hurt….too damaged by the attack, I guess. She needed a friend, yes. And, from what you've said, she _did _respond to you. You probably helped her more, in that moment, than you know. But she needed a professional, and she wouldn't accept that. You can't take responsibility for it."

He nodded, slowly, eyes back to the table. JJ hadn't had this much trouble getting him to look at her since he'd first arrived at the BAU.

"That's what Morgan said. And….I guess I believe you. I mean, I _do_ get it. But…..I just don't know. I don't feel like a very good friend."

More understanding came to JJ. "You mean….to Elle, or to anyone?"

His silence spoke volumes.

"Spence….you're one of my best friends. No, scratch that. You _are_ my best friend. There's no one I trust more to help me work through things, or even just to know when I'm having a bad day."

Because she no longer tried to hide it from him. She kept something of her professional persona up before all of the rest of the team, but not with Reid. It felt good to be able to let down with someone.

He reached across and squeezed her hand. "I'm glad you feel that way about me. I feel the same way."

She sent one eyebrow up. "You do? Because it hasn't felt like it lately."

He was duly chastised. "Sorry." He paused before adding, "It won't happen again."

"It better not." They both smiled at that. Then JJ pushed him further. "So, best friend….I can tell there's more to this. Spill."

This required less reflection on his part. He'd known it the minute Emily Prentiss showed up.

"I hate it when I have to meet new people. I hate knowing that they'll think I'm weird."

It had happened to him all his life. The Boy Wonder. The Baby Genius. The Geek. The Nerd. And many, many, much worse appelations. In Reid's life, most of the new people who formed a first impression didn't bother to stick around to form a second one.

"You think Emily thinks you're weird?"

He rolled his eyes at her. "JJ, I _am_ weird."

He was frustrating her, and she had to take a moment to soothe her temper, and gather her thoughts. _It seems like it's always two steps forward, and one step back._

"Really." She thought a moment more. "Tell me. Is 'weird' the same as 'unique'?

"No, but…"

"No 'buts'. _Everybody_ is unique, Spence. Everybody is different. And we're not in school any more. We're all adults, and we're capable of acting that way."

She saw he was about to protest, and continued hurriedly. "I know you still run into it sometimes. I'm there with you, remember? But those aren't our colleagues who are making those remarks. Emily is different. She's a member of our team. And you have to give her the same chance…the same respect….that you'd like her to give you."

She knew what she said was true. They weren't in school anymore. But it was also true that some of the LEOs they encountered made no effort to hold back their humorless humor about her colleague.

Reid recognized the truth as well. He'd just never looked at it that way. That he was treating Emily the very way he feared she would treat him. He was making unfounded assumptions.

"I'm right, Spence. Right?"

He nodded. "Right."

_Now_ he looked directly at her, and JJ felt a sense of triumph.

"Do you think it's too late? Have I made her not like me?"

JJ smiled at him. "I think she's just waiting to be able to get to know you. Will you let her?"

He smiled back. "I will. Who knows? Maybe we'll have something in common."

* * *

Now, weeks later, he watched his new friend Emily as she played with Gideon. He saw the moves that lay before both of them. And he wondered if she would see. If she would know what to do.

They were returning from one of the most unusual cases anyone in the BAU could remember. A terrorist threat that had sorted the team's members into three locations. A bomb that might have cost the lives of two of their number. Reid would never forget the fear he'd seen on his mentor's face at the thought that, once again, he'd lost part of his team. Nor would he forget the relief he'd seen when Hotch and Morgan were accounted for, and whole. But, mostly, he would never forget the look of relief and triumph on Gideon's face when he successfully duped the terror cell leader. He'd won. And Reid had been thrilled for him.

Now, the protege watched as his new colleague waged a chess battle with his mentor. He wondered, again, if she would see. If she would know what to do.

Emily sensed his gaze on her, and threw her eyes his way, flashing a brief smile. In that moment, Reid knew what she would do. And he knew JJ had been right. 

_Sometimes you just have to give people a chance. Especially if you want them to give you one._

He returned Emily's smile and watched as she made her move, and let Jason Gideon continue to enjoy the triumph of his day.


	13. Chapter 13

**Prelude**

**Chapter 13**

"Pen, how was he? Was he all right? He won't answer my calls. I'm worried about him. I mean….he tried so hard to help that boy, and then this happened!"

JJ's anxiety was boiling over. She'd been trying to reach Reid ever since she'd gotten Garcia's text last night. Nathan had attempted suicide, and he would have succeeded had not his potential victim seen Reid's number on a business card, and called for help. This morning, the minute it might have been considered socially acceptable, she was on the phone with Penelope Garcia.

Too late she realized that Garcia, having been with Reid, had probably also been traumatized by what they'd both experienced.

"Oh, Pen, I'm sorry! I should have asked about you first." _But at least you're answering your phone._ "How are you doing? Are you okay?" Knowing her friend was not the least bit inured to things the rest of the team so often saw in the field.

"Oh, Jayje, it was awful! That poor boy slashed his wrists, and the blood was pouring out. They said he might have died if Reid hadn't rigged the tourniquets and put pressure on his wounds."

JJ hadn't heard any of the details yet. Hearing them now, she was as relieved to hear that Spence had taken a role in saving Nathan as she was to hear that the boy had survived.

"Penelope, how was Spence? You guys didn't leave him alone, did you?" She already knew that Garcia had gone home with Morgan.

"My dear, sweet JJ….of course we didn't leave him alone! He was with Gideon."

_Gideon! Oh, my God._

JJ had great respect for the man's abilities to get the job done. But she also had great reservation about his relationship with Reid. Especially when the young man was in crisis, as JJ suspected he was now.

Her need to find Reid heightened. On a Saturday morning, she couldn't rely on his work ethic to bring him to the BAU. She was going to have to track him down.

"Pen…I know you're home, but….is it possible you could locate Spence's cell? He's not answering, and I'm worried." _In case you couldn't tell._

She could. "No kidding. Okay, if you don't tell anybody….I might have a program or two loaded on my laptop." JJ could hear her hitting keys as she launched her program. "All right….it looks like the phone is on, so I don't know why he's not answering. He's at…..home. He's at home. Do you need the address?"

She'd obviously figured out that JJ would be paying Reid's place a visit.

"No, I've been there before."

"You have?" Garcia's voice made it sound like she was ready to hear some good gossip.

"The football game. Remember?"

"Oh. Right. That." Disappointed that it wasn't juicier. "Well, if you see my baby genius, give him my love, will you? Give him a hug for me."

JJ smiled. "I will. Let's just hope he lets me in."

* * *

He'd just been building some confidence. A successful interview here, a non-violent take-down there, and Spencer Reid had begun to feel like a real FBI agent. Like a successful profiler and negotiator. All to be undone by a high school student.

Nathan had touched him, absolutely. The young man who was so valiantly trying to fight off a sociopathy that could only have stemmed from mental illness. And who'd actually tried to play the hero by killing himself before he could kill anyone else.

Despite all evaluations and reports to the contrary, Reid had been rooting for Nathan. The boy was so sincerely frightened by what was going on in his mind, and yet still sane enough to realize it. Reid hoped he would somehow triumph over what seemed inevitable.

The parallel was so obvious that Reid couldn't keep his mind from wondering if his mother had experienced moments like that. When she was aware that the voices weren't real, aware that her brain was betraying her. Had _she_ tried to reach out? Had anyone listened? Could she have been helped if it had been discovered earlier? He'd been too young, when his father left, to pose the questions. And she was too ill to give the answers. He would never know.

The morning twilight informed him he'd been up all night, ruminating. He knew sleep was no nearer now than it had been before. He might as well get his day under way.

On his way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, Reid walked right by his silenced phone and noticed he'd had a text. Nine texts, to be exact, all but one from JJ. The ninth was from Gideon, who'd messaged, YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE. GET SOME SLEEP.

It echoed what the man had told him last night, when Reid had wondered aloud if he'd done the right thing by saving a likely sociopath, a potential serial killer.

"What if he goes on to kill someone?"

Gideon had dismissed him almost glibly. "If he kills, you'll catch him."

Reid hadn't known what to do with that. He'd been so shaken by the events of the evening, and he found himself latching on to Gideon's every word. But the words hadn't given guidance. Not really. Not anything that resonated with Reid. It shook his confidence further, not finding wisdom in his mentor.

Reid poured his first mug of the day and brought his phone back with him to the sofa. JJ's messages all had a similar theme, but an increasingly frantic tone.

ARE YOU OKAY?

SPENCE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I JUST HEARD.

DO YOU NEED ME?

HOT CHOCOLATE?

SPENCE, WHERE ARE YOU? PLEASE ANSWER ME.

I'M WORRIED. PLEASE CALL ME.

SPENCE? ARE YOU JUST SLEEPING? CALL ME WHEN YOU WAKE UP.

I'M COMING OVER THERE.

Reid's eyes flew wide. _Coming over? Here?_

He looked to see the time stamp on the message. Twenty three minutes ago. She could be arriving at any moment.

Quickly, he checked to make sure there were no dirty dishes in the kitchen sink or towels on the bathroom floor. The rest of his apartment was as presentable as it ever got. He'd just finished straightening the pillows on the sofa when he heard the knock on his door.

"Spence? Are you in there? Spence?"

JJ was just about to rap again when her hand fell forward into open space. Reid stood in the doorway.

"JJ."

She made no effort to hide her up-and-down inspection of him.

"You look like you haven't slept." She took mental inventory, and concluded, "You haven't, have you? You're wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday…and…oh, Spence."

His eyes followed hers to the lower part of his vest. Dark red splotches stained much of it. Nathan's blood.

Seeing it brought his inner vision immediately back to the sleazy hotel room, and the sight of the unconscious figure covered in the blood that was now seeped into his clothing. Reid shivered at the spectre.

"Spence?" JJ's voice brought him back into the present. "Can I come in?"

"Huh? Oh, of course! Sorry, I'm …..not quite myself."

_No, you're not._ JJ was glad she'd come.

He stepped back to pull the door open wider and grant her entry. She brushed past him and then waited while he closed the door.

"I smell coffee."

He gave her a small smile. "This way."

He grabbed his own mug for a refill before leading her into the small kitchen. He poured for both of them, and laid out cream and sugar on the table.

When he sat down across from her, JJ started.

"Spence, I was worried about you. Garcia texted all of us last night, but I didn't see it right away. And then, when I did, I started calling you, and texting you….and you didn't answer me. I could only imagine how upset you would be, and I was so worried…."

He shrugged an apology at her. "The phone was on 'silent'. And I didn't see the texts….not until just a few minutes ago. I just needed to think, JJ. I'm sorry you were worried."

This was a new development in his life, having someone who worried about him. As a boy, when he'd needed that someone, his mother hadn't been well enough to fill the role. Since then, he'd gotten used to living a life that could remain unaccounted. It appeared that the cost of relationship would be the giving up of that unaccounted life. If so, he found he was more than willing to pay the price.

JJ had calmed considerably since she'd seen Reid for herself. But she was still worried about him. And he hadn't yet said anything about the events of the night before. She decided to try to draw him out.

"So, have you heard anything about Nathan? Do you know how he is?"

Reid shook his head. "I haven't spoken to anyone since I got home last night."

"How_ did_ you get home?" She knew from Garcia that they'd traveled together to the hotel room, in her car.

"Gideon dropped me off. He showed up at the scene. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how he knew about it."

It was a mark of how thrown Reid had been that he'd not given any thought to how Gideon might have known to come. In some way, Reid had just taken it for granted that his mentor would be there.

"Garcia texted all of us from the scene, Spence. I would have come, but I didn't see the text right away…" She'd been luxuriating in a hot bath after a very long week.

He put up a hand to stop her. "It's not important, JJ. There was nothing you could have done, anyway."

She knew better. "I could have been there with you. That's not 'nothing'."

He smiled at the sentiment, and the earnestness with which it was delivered. "You're right. It's not 'nothing'. But I was okay. Gideon was there."

JJ still wasn't so sure that was a good thing. But she knew she couldn't say so to Reid. He was still far too attached to his mentor. So she went a different route.

"It's good that you had someone there, then. That makes me feel better." _What a stupid thing to say…why would he care if you feel better?_

Reid pushed back his chair so he could stretch his legs. JJ had come to see this as his position of comfort, the one he assumed when he was ready to talk. She'd long since noticed that it also put some physical distance between himself and the person he was talking to.

"Garcia was dragging me out. I wasn't really in the mood...it had been a pretty lousy day, what with Nathan headed off to be hospitalized the next day. But….well, you know how she is."

JJ smiled. She did, indeed.

"So we were just getting into her car when I got the message. It just said that he was in trouble…I had no idea, JJ…no idea. We walked into this scene…..I don't think I'll ever get it out of my head."

He'd stopped speaking, and JJ could see him staring off, undoubtedly back in the hotel room. When his eyes started moving as though in a frantic search for something, JJ broke into his reverie.

"Spence?"

She had to repeat herself, a little louder.

"Spence?"

She knew he'd heard her when she saw him shake himself out of it.

"Spence….you were saying?"

He brought his eyes back to her, and then away again. "He was splayed out on the bed, and….God, JJ, I thought he was already dead. But then I saw the blood pumping. He'd hit the artery on his left wrist, and the blood was just coming out in spurts…..so somebody….I still don't know if it was Garcia or the other woman….somebody gave me a scarf, and I was able to make a tourniquet. And then I just put my hands over the cuts in his wrists and laid on him, as hard as I could."

In a small voice, JJ prompted him. When Garcia had told her the story, this part somehow moved her more than almost anything else. "Pen said you had a hard time letting go, when the EMTs got there."

He was silent for a long moment, remembering.

"I felt responsible. In that moment, I felt responsible for his life. Like, if I let go, he would bleed out, and die. But…I've been thinking about it all night. And I think I felt responsible for _all_ of it. For how his life was turning out. Because he reached out to me. He did the right thing, didn't he? And I didn't help him."

The eyes he returned to her now were so pathetic, so vulnerable. So full of the weariness of the world.

"You _couldn't_ help him, Spence. It's not that you didn't try. You did everything you could. You can't own the fact that he's sick. It's not his fault….and it's not yours, either."

The thought seemed to make him restless. He got up and walked out of the kitchen, and stood staring out the large window in his living room. JJ was afraid she'd said the wrong thing, as it seemed to have upset him. So she listened intently when he started speaking again.

"He _knew_ he was sick. He had the urges, and he knew they were wrong. So he wasn't so far gone yet. He was…..sort of on a precipice, I guess. He could still see what his normal life looked like….and yet he had to stand there and look down into the abyss….and know that he was about to go over the edge."

JJ had followed him into the living room, and stood behind him, silent, realizing there was something important…..something deeply felt…coming out of him. At first, she didn't understand. But, then, in a voice so quiet she could barely hear him, he spoke again. And suddenly it was clear.

"My mother was only a few years older than Nathan is now when it started for her. I wasn't even born yet. I have no sense of her….of what she was like….before. I don't know what she went through. But….I can't help but wonder if it was similar. If she knew, at the beginning, what was happening to her. If she stood on the precipice, looking into the abyss….knowing there was nothing she could do but fall into it."

He was still standing with his back to her. She couldn't see his face. But she could hear him. When he resumed, his voice was hoarse.

"I can't imagine how scared she must have been, JJ. How alone she must have felt. And then…..and then, the worst thing she could imagine became her reality. She became surrounded by her demons. Every day. Unrelenting. I just…." He was out of words, and could only shake his head.

JJ moved up next to him, and laid a hand on his back, rubbing her support.

"I'm sorry for your mother's illness. More than I can say. But I do remember how she looked at you when she was here. Eyes full of love, Spence. And she told me herself how proud she was of you. No matter how difficult her life is, you still bring her joy."

He was still staring out the window. "Such as it is," he said pensively. "I just wish I could do more. For all of them. I mean, what good is it being in the FBI if you can't help them?"

JJ thought she caught a meaning in his words that took her by surprise. "Them?"

"All of them. The victims. The unsubs. Most of the misery we see is a result of illness causing catastrophe. And here, we had a chance to help before the illness got so bad. Before a young kid became 'the bad guy'. And we couldn't help at all." He shook his head. "Sometimes I just don't know."

She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, he carried on.

"And do you know what Gideon said? Because I asked him if I'd done the right thing, saving Nathan's life. I asked if it was right, if Nathan would just go on to kill someone else."

He paused for so long after that, apparently still lost in thought, that JJ had to ask, "And what did he say?"

Reid heaved a huge sigh. "He said, that, if he kills someone in the future…..then I should catch him. Just like that. Like it was simple. But it's _not_ simple, JJ. Not at all."

He turned to look directly at her, earnest in his desire to be understood.

"If Gideon is right, it means someone has to be sacrificed. How can that be right?"

She thought she understood his meaning….but would soon learn that she was mistaken.

"Gideon's not right, Spence." Knowing what she was speaking was virtual blasphemy, but speaking it anyway. "It's never right to give up on saving someone." Assuming they were both talking about Nathan's future victim.

But she realized exactly what he meant when she heard him say, in a very quiet voice, "I wish I could save them all. They don't deserve their demons any more than a victim deserves to become a victim."

And, finally, in that moment, clarity. She understood. Reid hadn't joined the BAU to protect the victims. Not for that reason alone, anyway. He was there to protect them all, victims and unsubs alike. His unique window into a life lived with mental illness had served to make him sympathize with the very people so many others saw as the enemy. She was only surprised she hadn't gotten it before. It explained so much of how he behaved in the field. And, seeing it now, she flashed on all the ways it could come to hurt him.

But all she said was, "You're right."

Reid's shoulders sagged in relief. "Thank you. I've been struggling with it all night." Now he let out a huge yawn, and JJ pushed him over to the sofa.

"Sit. You're exhausted."

He patted the seat next to him. "Didn't you say you were up all night waiting to hear from me? You must be exhausted too."

She smiled, and took the seat. "I am, I guess. But I was too worked up to notice it until now."

"I have a guest room. You could take a nap, if you want." Not even realizing that he'd just invited the beautiful Jennifer Jareau to sleep at his place. Because she was no longer 'the beautiful Jennifer Jareau' to him. She was, simply, JJ….his best friend. And maybe something else. Maybe something not quite to be hoped for.

"Thanks, but I can make it home. Just give me a few minutes…and another cup of coffee, maybe?"

He never needed prompting for more coffee. Reid disappeared for a few minutes and came back with two steaming mugs. He'd learned exactly how she liked hers.

They sipped in companionable silence for a few minutes, and then JJ decided to probe on something she'd wondered about for some time now.

"Spence…..why _did_ you join the FBI?" Remembering a distant conversation. _'Gideon saved me.'_

She smiled to herself when she saw him lean back into the cushions, stretching his legs out in front of him. _He's ready._ In a way that he hadn't been, that first time.

"I was at Cal Tech, getting my doctorate in engineering. I'd already gotten the ones in mathematics and physics. " He looked at her, and caught her smile, returning one of his own.

"There was a career fair on campus, and all of the government agencies were sectioned off together in one building. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life…I think that's one reason I just kept getting degrees. I had no home to go back to, and I had no real direction. I couldn't picture myself doing _anything_. I felt…lost, I guess."

And, JJ realized, he'd been all of twenty or so, virtually alone in the world. She marveled, not for the first time, at how he'd managed to accomplish all that he had.

"I didn't even really plan to attend the job fair. I was just cutting through the building on my way across campus. But I saw the sign for NASA, and I thought…..why not?"

"NASA? You mean, you _might_ have been a NASA scientist?"

They both laughed at that, because of the countless times Morgan had been known to say, "It doesn't take a rocket scientist." Upon which Emily would then retort with, "Reid?"

"Yeah, well….it might have been interesting, I guess. I always _have_ had a love of the stars. Maybe I'll get a degree in astrophysics some day, who knows?"

If it had been anyone else, JJ would have taken it as a joke.

"But, anyway, I wandered over to the NASA booth, and started talking to one of the reps. And I started asking him whether they did any work with SETI….you know, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. I wanted to know NASA's take on it. Because, to me, it's fascinating. To think that there's other life out there, you know? Something different from here."

JJ recognized the bittersweetness. Fantasizing a life that might be so very different from the one he'd known up until then.

"And…"

JJ noticed he looked a little embarrassed. "And what?"

"Well, I guess I got a little carried away talking about all the possibilities, you know?"

Indeed, she did. She laughed. "And he couldn't stop you?"

Yes, definitely embarrassed. "No, he couldn't. But, when I finished, he suggested I might look into some other line of work."

She couldn't help it, she laughed again. And then tried to apologize, afraid she might have hurt his feelings. "I'm sorry…it's not really funny."

His relationship with JJ had helped Reid to hold himself up to her mirror, and really see himself for the first time. He'd learned to accept his idiosyncracies, mostly because she so readily did.

"Nothing to be sorry about. It didn't seem funny at the time, but I get it now. And, anyway, it was fortuitous. Because a man at the next booth was listening in on the whole conversation."

"Gideon?"

He nodded.

"Gideon was manning an FBI recruitment booth?" It seemed preposterous.

"No! He was in town for a symposium, but a good friend of his, a retired agent, was at the booth, and Gideon had stopped by. So, you see, it was all fate. We were both there by chance, and…it just…happened."

"So, what did he say to you?"

"He'd heard me tell the NASA rep about my doctorates, and then I guess he heard me offering my own analysis of an article I'd read on the chemical composition of the universe. And he just stopped me as I walked past, and asked if we could have coffee."

"He profiled you."

Reid nodded. "I didn't know what it was at the time, of course. But yes, he obviously did. He could probably tell from my getting multiple degrees that I wasn't very social. And I think he could tell from what he'd overheard that I still didn't have a particular direction in life."

_And he could see with his own eyes how young you were. How inexperienced, _she thought to herself, _how malleable._

"He said he liked my curiosity, that it could be very helpful in his line of work. He wanted to know my background, and my freedom to move across the country. He offered me an opportunity to use my intelligence, and to help people."

On the surface of it, it all sounded very innocent. Altruistic, even. JJ should have been satisfied. But there was always something that didn't feel quite right, when Gideon was involved. And she was sure she knew what it was.

"Did he tell you about the rest of it? What you would do in the field? What you would see? What you would be faced with every day?"

The reproach in her voice drew Reid's eyes to hers. Having his attention, she asked again.

"Did he tell you, Spence?"

His eyes fell away again, as he shook his head. "No."

_Because he'd wanted his way. _JJ knew it in an instant.

Jason Gideon was a master profiler. During her time with the BAU, JJ had learned that the skill also came with a risk. A master profiler could also become a master manipulator. There had been so many times when she'd watched Aaron Hotchner actively resist the temptation. But, if Jason Gideon had once done the same, he did so no longer. He'd given in. He manipulated. That he should have done so with Spence was, to JJ's mind, reprehensible.

Reid noticed her silence. "JJ? What are you thinking?"

She shook her head. Voicing her concerns about Gideon could only distress him.

"Nothing. Just…..do you ever regret it, Spence? Do you ever wish you'd just kept walking that day?"

He thought for a long minute, staring out at the cityscape.

"Sometimes I wonder what else I would have done with my life. But, really, JJ….he showed me how to give a purpose to it. I was pretty rudderless back then, and he gave me a direction. I meant what I said before. Gideon saved me."

_Or he used you._

JJ had such mixed feelings about this. In some ways, she thought, she should be grateful to Gideon. After all, Reid had found a place in her heart, and she could no longer imagine doing the job without him being there, in her life, nearly every day. But he'd been so naïve to the nature of the work, so blind to the manipulation going on in his life…..she couldn't help but think of the younger Reid as a lamb being led to slaughter. By Jason Gideon.

Turning to Reid now, she knew she was no longer looking at the same person. That, having had no other choice, he'd matured quickly in his role as a profiler. But she also remembered his distress over killing the LDSK, and now his distress over Nathan. She could see the toll the role was taking on him.

In that moment, she could have no inkling of how much more he had yet to pay.


	14. Chapter 14

**Prelude**

**Chapter 14**

If he hadn't already become aware of how important JJ was to his life, the holidays made it painfully obvious. Painful, because of how much he missed her while she was away. But a strange, sweet, kind of pain, because it reflected such a change in him.

She'd not taken her vacation with the rest of them, so she was gone a full week at Thanksgiving. Once she realized Reid would be spending his alone, she invited him to join her.

"You can come up after work on Wednesday. It's a bit of a ride, but at least you'd be able to relax all day on Thursday."

As much as he was now comfortable around her, Reid was sure he would be anything but relaxed being around her parents, and whatever other assortment of Jareau relatives might appear. She'd already told him that Thanksgiving was largely a day devoted to football, interrupted by a huge meal at halftime. And _he'd _already told _her_ that the only football game he'd ever seen was the one they'd seen together on the undate.

"Thanks, anyway, JJ, but I'll be all right here. I told Hotch I could be on call to triage any urgent consults, anyway." _Thank goodness._

He'd fended off a couple of offers from other members of the team more easily, with a simple 'thanks, but I've got plans.' Which, technically, he did.

By plan, he'd spent Thanksgiving Day as he spent most of his free days, taking a long walk and then reading for hours, not really missing the whole family feast experience that had never been a part of his life. His only regret was that he didn't have the distraction of work to take his mind from the fact that he hadn't seen JJ in five days. And that it would be four more before he would see her again.

He wondered if she might have missed him like this, when he'd gone on break, then quickly dismissed the thought. Reid was aware that his feelings for JJ were nudging past the realm of friendship. Maybe they had long since nudged past. But he couldn't imagine that they would ever be reciprocated.

Resigned to a JJ-less life interval, he resolved not to be pathetic about it. He cooked himself a nice dinner, absent the turkey, and enjoyed it with a glass of wine. He even turned on a football game, and tried to enjoy it, feeling like he was spending vicarious time with JJ. But even turning it into a profiling experience wasn't much fun without her next to him to share in it. _Four more days._

But, only three days later, it seemed the gods had taken pity on him. On Saturday afternoon, his cell sounded.

"Hey, Spence, how was your Thanksgiving? Anything going on?" She liked to be prepared on any cases she might have to present to the team.

"Uneventful. And there's nothing pending for Monday, as far as I know. So you can take your time getting back tomorrow."

"I _am_ back. Last year I got stuck in horrendous traffic coming back on Sunday, and I vowed never to do that again."

"Oh." For some reason, he felt better just knowing she was only twenty minutes away.

JJ may not have had training as a profiler, but she was a pretty perceptive human being. Without him having told her, she'd discerned the reason Reid had turned down her Thanksgiving invitation. And she'd heard him turn down the others' as well. She was sure he'd been alone, and equally sure that too much 'alone time' wasn't good for anyone.

"Hey, Spence…I hate the end of holiday weekends, you know? I always feel a little adrift, like I'm not quite ready for it to end, but I know work is just around the corner."

Reid didn't really understand. He _loved_ work. It was fascinating, mentally stimulating…and it was where JJ was. But he politely agreed with her anyway.

"So, do you think we could prolong it a little? Like maybe do something tomorrow? Brunch, maybe?"

_JJ just invited me to brunch. She just invited me to brunch._

"Uh….sure! Sure, I'd love to have brunch with you."

"Great! There's a place kind of near my apartment…would you mind coming over here?"

_Would I mind…_

"No, no of course not! What time?"

"Ten too early?"

"Not at all." _Six wouldn't be too early._

"Okay, I'll see you at ten tomorrow morning. Mmm…I can already taste the French toast."

"Pancakes for me."

"Oh, you know, they have great chocolate chip pancakes at this place."

"I'll take mine plain, thanks." _Who in the world likes chocolate chip pancakes?_

He ended the call and immediately ran out and got to work making the interior of his car presentable.

* * *

The coffee was good, the food even better, and the company exquisite. Reid pushed back his chair with a satisfied look on his face.

"This was a great idea, JJ. I'm stuffed."

Half of her breakfast was still on her plate. "That's how I felt on Thanksgiving. Mom kept putting more food in front of me. 'Try this, have a little more of that', you know?"

He didn't, but he smiled anyway. JJ returned the look, adding, "You'd better watch out, Spence. If my Mom ever meets you, she'll make a career of fattening you up."

Food had been a necessity of life for the young Spencer Reid, but never a source of pleasure. For him, cooking was chemistry, and he'd kept it basic, to meet the nutritional requirements of a young boy and his mother. It had only been as an adult that he'd begun to get more adventurous in his culinary enterprises. He wondered, briefly, what it might have been like to grow up with a mother who put love into her food. 

_Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to meet Mrs. Jareau at Thanksgiving._

JJ was also sitting back in her chair, watching Reid's face as a series of expressions crossed it.

"What are you thinking about?"

He gave a wry smile. "Nothing…food…mothers."

She was curious. "Speaking of mothers…..will you visit your Mom at Christmas?"

She'd found it hard to conceive of someone not wanting to be home at Thanksgiving, and couldn't imagine that he wouldn't want to be with his mother for Christmas. Much, much later, JJ would think back to this time and realize just how clueless she'd been to the nature of Spence's young life, and his relationship with his mother.

He nodded. He would visit DIana. It was something of a forced tradition for him. Most of the campuses he'd attended had virtually shut down at the 'holiday' time of year, and he'd felt like he should return to Vegas. Now, as a part of the work force, this would be the first year that he would do so of his own volition.

There was something about making the decision actively that had made him feel like he was approaching his mother in a truly adult way for the first time. He was choosing to spend time with her, despite having no assurance that she would be in a condition conducive to interaction. In some ways, Reid thought, his BAU exposure to the spectrum of mental dysfunction had actually served to make him more patient with, and accepting of, his mother.

"I'll go to Vegas for a few days. Bennington always has something for the patients and families together on Christmas Day. The staff are really good about that."

And dedicated. Many of them spent the day with their mentally ill charges, sacrificing time with their own families.

Before JJ could ask another question about his trip, Reid deflected back to her.

"What about you? Back to Pennsylvania?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Dad and I have this tradition of going out and cutting down a tree, and then Mom has cocoa waiting for us when we get home."

She'd gotten a wistful look on her face as she'd spoken, and Reid inquired about it.

"You look a little sad. What is it?"

She shook herself out of it. "Just….Mom used to come with us to get the tree, when I was younger. When there were four of us. But, ever since…..well, it's just been my Dad and me."

Reid studied her for a moment. She'd been so upbeat in talking about it. And yet….

"Are the holidays hard for you?"

She gave a little laugh. "Pretty transparent, huh?"

Reid just smiled at her, encouraging her to continue.

"Not so bad anymore. I've had more holidays without her than I had with her, by now. But, every so often, there's a moment….a sound, a smell, a kind of day….and I remember that first one, after she died. How we almost ignored it altogether."

Reid could understand that. Holidays were simply a societal convention, after all. Why not just decide not to participate? But JJ explained, as she continued.

"But my Dad said it would be wrong. He said that we shouldn't dishonor her memory by stopping all of the things that made life good. He said we shouldn't concentrate on the loss, but that we should celebrate the fact that we'd been lucky enough to have her in our lives."

Once she'd spoken it, he recognized it. It was a sentiment he'd heard her express over and over again, to the families of victims. And he'd wondered how she'd gotten to be so wise. Now, he understood.

"Your dad sounds like a pretty amazing man, JJ." 

_And he has a pretty amazing daughter._

She smiled genuinely. "That he is."

* * *

Christmas came and went with little fanfare. Cases kept them out of town for much of the pre-holiday season, and then they all dispersed for a five-day break. At Bennington, Reid counted himself blessed that his mother was in a tolerant mood, as traditional holidays often caused a spewing of accusations about government influence over the masses. He visited her daily, shared a few meals, read to her, and was read to. He tried not to feel guilty as he counted down the hours until he could return to the east coast.

As they gathered for their first team meeting after the holiday, there was some discussion of selecting a venue where they could all ring in the New Year together. There were several FBI haunts that were hosting parties, and they shared the pros and cons of each, finally finding a consensus. And then those plans were dissolved when a case brought them out of town on the morning of New Year's Eve.

"We'll toast at midnight, even if it's with coffee, in the sheriff's office," proposed Emily.

Garcia didn't want to be left out. "Don't forget about me! I'll be just on the other end of your phones."

"How could we forget you, Baby Girl? You and I will do the countdown together, all right?" Morgan's nickname for Garcia had begun out of desperation, when he couldn't remember her name. But it worked between them, and it had stuck.

JJ had an idea. "Hey, since we've missed all the other holidays, how about we spend Super Bowl Sunday together? Provided we're in town, of course. The bar usually has a viewing party and then an 'after party'."

Reid gave a little snort. "I didn't know that Super Bowl Sunday qualified as a holiday." He teased her about her love of the sport.

She flicked his shoulder as she made her way past him to her seat. "That's because you've never spent it with me before."

* * *

_Foiled again. These serial killers are getting in the way._

They'd all shown up. All except Gideon, who hadn't even needed to say he wouldn't be coming. It was simply assumed that he would keep himself apart from the rest of the team, following his own pursuits. Most of them attributed it to his intellectualism and generally aloof personality. Only Hotch, and to a much lesser extent, Reid, realized the man was suffering a crisis of his psyche. Hotch subtly filled gaps in leadership when they were in the field. Reid, for all of his genius, simply felt an unease, and was too much enamored of his mentor to realize what was causing it.

Reid had arrived to see most of the game, but only because it had been JJ extending the invitation. Without involving any of the others, the two made eye contact whenever a 'forensic countermeasure' was employed or a quarterback became the subject of a 'blitz attack.' It was fun for Reid, but not quite the same as when it had just been the two of them, at the Redskins game. Afterwards, the rest enjoyed the dance floor while Reid engaged in a game of Star Trek one-upsmanship with several colleagues, and JJ took a few other agents down in darts.

What had started as a team-building evening ended as a team enterprise when JJ fielded a call about an unusual murder in Georgia. She alerted the rest, and they all made their way to the airport.

* * *

The murder case was beyond intriguing. One of the unsubs was phoning the crime in to emergency services, presumably even as the other was committing it. Was it a cry for help, or a desire to trap law enforcement?

Complicating things further, Garcia's sharp eyes picked up a crucial clue. She came across a video that had gone viral, and realized it might be a recording of the latest murder. Confirming the details of the scene with Morgan, she helped him to see that the recording had been made from the webcam of an open laptop. Then Reid noticed that the laptop he'd been exploring at the precinct had come to life. _He_ was being recorded. And then, a message had come on the screen. For them. From the unsub.

They were all frustrated, lacking substantial information to make progress, and yet having every reason to believe that there were yet more people unknowingly in mortal danger. They'd concluded that they might have a team, one of them with dissociative identity disorder. That meant that all attempts to apply logic to the unsub's motivation and reasoning would be futile. They would either have to correctly identify, and work within, the unsub's psychopathy...or they would have to be very, very lucky.

In an effort to cover as much ground as quickly as possible, Hotch dispersed the team to assignments, leaving only JJ and Reid remaining at the precinct when JJ's case review uncovered a possible witness to a prior prowler at one of the scenes. Though it seemed completely tangential, they had so little else to go on that they couldn't ignore it. Hotch sent the pair to find and interview the possible witness to a non-committed crime, on the theory that cases often broke on the most trivial pieces of information. When they left, neither he, nor they, had any inkling of just how much...and who...would actually break.

* * *

As much case time as they spent together, it was virtually unheard of for JJ and Reid to be sent on a field assignment without a more senior agent. So even though they were just going to interview a witness, they were both feeling a bit heady about it, and were conscious of the weight of responsibility.

"You want me to take the lead?" Reid asked.

"Do you mind if I do it, Spence? I don't get a chance very often. Usually I only end up talking to the families of victims."

He didn't get all that much chance to interview suspects alone either, but he was sympathetic with JJ. She wanted to round out her skills, and the opportunities to do so were all too rare.

He nodded his assent. "I'm sorry we didn't get to celebrate a little more after the football game. Who won, by the way?"

JJ snorted her way into a full-out laugh. "I knew you weren't really watching! Do you even remember who was playing?"

Very primly, he answered her. "The Indianapolis Colts played the Chicago Bears." He turned to her in the darkness of the car. "Did you think I would have come unprepared?"

She shook her head. If there was one thing for certain, it was that Spence_ always_ did his homework.

"So you read up on them, right?" She caught his nod in her peripheral vision.

"You probably even know their records, and the teams' stats, right?"

"Right."

"But you only pretended to be watching the game?"

_I was watching you_.

"No, I watched. I just didn't pay attention."

It had been much more enjoyable to follow JJ's expressions as _she_ watched, and cheered, and booed, and cheered again. It had been much more enjoyable to look at JJ, period.

"Well, you missed a good one, then. And, for the record, Indianapolis won."

She let another mile or two pass before asking, "So, did you not have a good time?"

"I had a great time! We had the whole team there…well, except Gideon….and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves."

"You seemed to be heavily engaged in conversation with Anderson when I went by you."

"He challenged me to a Star Trek trivia game…foolish boy. I was doing just fine until I got a little thrown when someone came by and messed up my hair."

She had to look over to make sure he was smiling.

"Oops! I just couldn't resist. I swear, it was like my hand had a mind of its own."

When all her hand had really done was to act out a daydream she'd had time after time. There was something about his hair…..

"Yeah, well….it sounded like you were beating the guys at darts."

"Every time. I used to play with my dad when I was a kid."

The conversation between the two young profilers in the car was so innocent, so much about...nothing. How could it have been followed by something so devastating? So life-altering?

JJ would relive this conversation over and over and over again, each time she revisited the events of the coming hours and days.

And, one day, long after the events had passed, long after she should have forgotten what they'd talked about...one day, it would occur to JJ that Spence hadn't even been in the room where the darts game had been held. She would realize, that day long hence, how he'd been so attuned to her, so aware of her in every moment, that he'd known where she was, and what she was doing, even when he was caught up in something else.

But that day was far into the future. This day, they continued to travel a long way along dark country roads, intermittently passing in and out of cell phone service, finally landing on 'out' when they pulled into the yard of their interview target, Tobias Hankel.

Following their plan, JJ took the lead when a young man partially opened the door. His words were stiff, stilted, out of keeping with his age. And he flat out denied having made a call to emergency services to report having seen a prowler. Both young FBI agents knew he was lying.

JJ could sense Reid standing immediately behind her, looking over her head at Hankel. She felt him touch her back in a gesture of communication, and then heard him plead to be granted entry to use the bathroom. JJ played along, the incredulous partner.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I thought I could wait. But now….please?" He'd turned his gaze back to Hankel.

But they were turned away, and the door unceremoniously closed in their faces.

There was no need to debate whether they should pursue the witness further. His odd behavior cemented that plan. The only issue was whether to take care of it themselves or to call in the team. But calling would be complicated. They didn't have the means, without cell service. And they couldn't very well walk away from someone who clearly had more information, and more of a connection to the crime, than he was willing to admit.

JJ was still in consideration mode when Reid ran around to look in the window of the house…..and met the eyes of Tobias Hankel looking right back at him. But just behind Hankel was the evidence that proved they'd stumbled upon a person who was more than a witness. Through the window, Reid saw a wall of computer monitors, many apparently transmitting from cameras observing people going about their lives…..unaware they were being observed. It was immediately clear.

"JJ! He's the unsub!" It was the oxymoronic whispered shout.

Now their dilemma was all the greater. They were still without cell service, putting the team out of reach. But the unsub was within reach. And he'd murdered several times already. They couldn't risk losing him, and letting him murder again.

With no time for debate, and realizing Hankel had exited the house, Reid called for JJ to head one way while he headed the other. It broke a cardinal rule of field operations, the splitting of a two-person team. But Reid's lightning quick mind ran the scenario and came up with no other option. They would have to split up and, hopefully, capture their man. And then hope for the team to figure it out, and come after them.

JJ was uncomfortable breaking protocol. But she saw no alternative either. She couldn't imagine Morgan and Prentiss wouldn't separate to catch someone before he could murder again, nor Hotch and Gideon. So, despite her misgivings, she went along.

And ended up regretting the decision.

Sincerely, eternally, regretting it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Prelude**

**Chapter 15**

JJ huddled against the unusually cold Georgia weather as she wandered around the compound, carefully avoiding coming within fifty feet of the barn. She'd volunteered to inspect the periphery, and declined accompaniment. She needed to be alone. She was afraid the others would see….

Her eyes took in her surroundings, but her brain was still processing what had happened an hour ago. What she refused to tell anyone about. It would distract them from their task. From their precious, precious task..…finding Spence.

She'd been alone, when she'd felt her heart pounding, in full-out fight-or-flight mode. She'd seen the snout, heard the snarl. She'd grabbed for her gun as she'd whirled around toward the threat…..and encountered Emily Prentiss.

JJ was almost as frightened by what she'd almost done to her teammate as she'd been in the barn. She'd done her best to brush it off…to brush _Emily_ off….when Hotch approached the pair. He addressed his words to Emily, but his eyes were on JJ, studying, assessing…..and knowing. He was simply too good at what he did, and he knew his team too well. She could see that he was aware she'd flashed back, that she wasn't fully functioning. And she'd sent him a visual plea to keep her confidence. With an almost imperceptible nod, Hotch had granted her the time alone, in the guise of work.

None of them expected to find Reid alive. The unsub had been too ruthless, too mechanical in his tasks, too righteous, too devoid of reason. So each member of the team went about the rudiments of investigation with a heart already in mourning. Even Garcia had been called in to join them, ostensibly to assist with deciphering the unsub's electronic methodology and mindset. But JJ couldn't help but wonder if Hotch had brought her down so that they could all be together in their time of loss.

There were several outbuildings besides the barn. JJ made her way around one of them and leaned against it, out of sight of the others. She closed her eyes, reliving the awful moments of fear and panic that followed her separation from Reid, giving in to the visual spectacle that had been playing in her mind in all the hours that ensued. The sound of the dogs, the smell of the blood and the body fluids, the sight of the mangled…corpse, she presumed, although it looked only like meat surrounded by the remnants of clothing. The pouncing of first one animal, and then another. The reflex gunshot. The tearing of her own flesh, the kicking of the beast, the gunshots that followed.

_Did he hear me? Did he know what was happening? Or had something already happened to him, too? Did I miss him calling out? Did I fail him? Spence!_

They'd found blood….but not enough to account for a significant wound. And they'd found evidence that something…or someone….had been dragged through the field. But they hadn't found Reid. They could only assume the unsub had accosted him, and somehow incapacitated him, and then chosen to move him. The latter fact should have been promising. But, so far, the only victim the unsub had removed from a scene was the one whose remains were in the barn.

The images assaulted JJ. Spence…her dear, sweet Spence….his excitement at finding the unsub….the strange eyes of Tobias Hankel….the woman in the barn…the dogs. Thinking of it again, thinking that some similar fate might have already been delivered to Reid, revolted JJ. She vomited against the rushes behind the building, and then collapsed against it, sinking to the ground.

_Please, God, don't let him have suffered. Please!_

She covered her face with her hands and cried, bitter tears of sorrow and regret.

"Jayje?"

She could hear Garcia's voice in the distance.

"JJ? Are you out here?" Some panic entering in now. Although the scene was secure, they all felt the need to know where each remaining team member was at all times.

JJ did her best to wipe the tears away, cleared her throat, and stepped back into the center of the compound as she replied, "I'm here, Pen. Just looking around."

As she came closer to the house, Garcia got a better look at her.

"Are you okay?"

She would have tried to lie to anyone but Garcia. But Penelope knew her too well. So JJ simply shook her head, still too uncertain of her voice.

Garcia's own eyes were rimmed with runny mascara. She opened her arms to her good friend, and the two shared an embrace that did not quite achieve the solace it was intended for. But JJ felt the love of her friend nonetheless.

* * *

She'd expected Gideon to be hostile, given the circumstances. And he might have been, had he not ignored her completely. But she hadn't quite expected the hostility she perceived coming from Morgan.

He and Reid had not only found common ground, but had also begun to develop something resembling a sibling bond. JJ had been happy for Spence when he'd mentioned it, glad that he was finding, in his adulthood, something that had eluded his younger self. But now the older sibling seemed to be blaming her for the loss of his 'little brother'.

JJ was feeling chastised, defensive….until she revisited the conversation in her mind. Morgan hadn't made any accusations. He'd simply stated facts. But she'd heard it differently. _Because I'm hearing myself saying it. That it was my fault. That I failed him. That he would still be with us._

Her reverie was interrupted when Hotch approached her. She'd been sifting through journals without really being able to process any of what was before her.

"You haven't turned a page in ten minutes." The 'Reid-like' observation startled JJ, and she had to look up to make sure it was her superior speaking to her.

She shook her head. "Sorry. I just…" Her words trailed off. She didn't _know_ what she just…..

Hotch pulled out the chair next to her and sat down, causing her to turn to face him. His dark eyes virtually burrowed their way into her brain.

"JJ, I know what protocol says, and I know what every good agent does in the field. There's not a person in this house who would have done things any differently, given the circumstances."

She broke eye contact, too caught up in her self-recrimination to allow anyone to alleviate it.

Hotch laid his hand on her arm. "What would you say to the family of a victim if they were blaming themselves for the work of a serial killer?"

She knew, exactly. She'd done it hundreds of times.

"That there is nothing to be gained from the 'what-ifs'. That they couldn't have looked into a mind that was completely dysfunctional, and made sense of what it was planning. That there was nothing they could have done to stop it."

Hotch nodded slowly as he looked his question at her.

"But, Hotch, we _did_ know. We knew the profile. We _did _know we were in that kind of situation." She wasn't ready to let go of the blame.

There followed a few moments of silence as Hotch considered how best to help her see.

"JJ, the reason we go through such rigorous training is that, unlike the general public, we _know_ we'll face danger one day. And we accept the risk. We take an oath accepting that risk, for the sake of the rest. You took it. And so did Reid."

She nodded, silently, eyes down.

"Do you think he would have wanted you to bear blame for his carrying out what he'd sworn to do?"

She didn't hear the question. She only heard the 'would have wanted'. _Even Hotch has given up hope._

"'Would have wanted'…you think he's gone, don't you?"

She couldn't keep the sob from her voice, and no longer even wanted to try.

Hotch heard it, and he saw the plea in her eyes. They begged him to tell her she was wrong. That Reid wasn't already dead. None of them had voiced it…until now.

In that moment, Hotch knew. They weren't technically his team yet, but they would be, soon. He'd seen the signs in Gideon for a while, and he knew the loss of Reid would put the man over the edge. If he was going to become the official leader of the team, now was the time to show that leadership. And it would begin with….._hope_.

Once he'd made the decision, the reasons for hope started to present themselves. So far, only targeted individuals had been killed. There had been no 'collateral damage'. If the unsub had intended simply to get Reid out of the way, he could have left him incapacitated in the field. Or even left him there, dead. But having taken Reid from the scene had to mean something else. It meant they hadn't quite completed the profile.

All of his internal conversation had taken place in a matter of seconds. When he responded to JJ, it was with resolution.

"We need to revisit the profile. Reid wasn't a target. Killing him wouldn't fulfill the unsub's motives. He took him for some other reason. Gather the others. We need to go at this from another angle."

The urgency in his voice accomplished exactly what he'd wanted it to accomplish. JJ's eyes became infused with new hope. As she left to call the team together, he could only pray the others would have the same response.

* * *

Hotch laid his idea before the others and waited for their reactions. He was pleased to see each of them absorb the information in much the same way JJ had….even Gideon. In fact, the revisiting of the profile fed on something that had been festering in the back of Gideon's mind for a few hours now.

"There are three of them."

"Three unsubs?" Morgan didn't agree. The idea of a team, one with DID, made much more sense.

JJ sincerely hoped there weren't three unsubs. It put Reid at much greater risk…..and it made their decision to separate all the more foolish.

"Not three unsubs," Gideon explained, "three personalities. The father, the son, and…."

No one said it. It would have made a most unholy trinity.

"And the archangel!" Now that Gideon had brought them there, Emily thought he was on to something.

Gideon nodded. "And the archangel."

Hotch agreed with his older colleague. "All right. Let's go back and look at what we've got from the standpoint of a single unsub."

The rest dispersed to their tasks while Morgan followed Garcia into Hankel's….and now Garcia's….tech room.

He felt like he'd been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since they'd arrived at the farm. Horrified at the sight of the woman torn apart, relieved to find JJ in one piece. Devastated to find Reid missing, and to think of what his young colleague might have gone through before he died. Thrilled to have found a bunker of sorts on the property, hopeful of finding his 'Pretty Boy' there, disappointed to find only the frozen remains of the elder Hankel. Mourning the loss of someone more important to his life than he'd been willing to admit. Taking it out on the nearest person, the one who might mourn Reid even more than he. Not daring to grasp the hope that Hotch had now laid out before them, but not able to resist it, either. Morgan needed his Baby Girl.

She'd taken Hotch's assignment to heart, and was rapidly clicking through screen after screen on her own laptop, when suddenly the full array of Tobias Hankel's monitors came to life. And, on them, an image. One that would remain burned into her psyche forever.

"Oh, my God!"

Morgan had been sitting next to her, just soaking in the comfort of her presence. Her cry brought his eyes to the screens as well, and his reaction was immediate.

"Guys!"

His voice had been loud, and urgent. All of them came running.

And were met with a scene that, paradoxically, lifted their hearts and broke them at the same time.

Reid, alive, restrained, bleeding and beaten around the head. But alive.

JJ was biting down so hard on her cheeks that she almost caused the tears she was trying to suppress. _Alive! Thank You, God!_

She was relieved to see him alive, but devastated at his condition. Her hand was at her throat, trying to hold down what wanted to be spewed, at the thought of what he'd been through….and might still have to endure.

Morgan noticed something. "He's got one bare foot, but I see his shoe. What's that about?"

It was hard to see the bruising on his foot through the monitor. But Emily knew it was there.

"He's been beaten there. It's called bastinado. It's a form of punishment. Sometimes a form of torture. A way to inflict extreme pain without leaving evidence."

It crossed all of their minds to wonder how it was that Emily Prentiss might know so much about a technique of torture, but none of them asked. They were too caught up in the idea that their youngest had been so horribly mistreated, that he was obviously still in mortal danger…..and that they had no idea where he was.

* * *

It only got worse after that.

He'd been made to choose the unsub's next victim. JJ knew him so well by now. She knew, no matter what happened to his mortal self, that it would annihilate him completely to have, even under duress, contributed to the death of an innocent. So she had a moment of rejoicing when he turned it around on Hankel. When he said the only choice he would make was of who would live. Hankel would choose among the rest. Hankel would be the chooser of death.

_That's my Spence. Please, please, stay whole. Stay whole inside. Please, Spence. We'll find you somehow. Please, God, help us find him._

JJ felt her heart sink all over again when Hankel cut off the transmission. It was like she'd been able to touch him, and then lost him again.

After the 911 call came in, they all realized why Hankel had shut off the video. He'd been busy, killing another innocent couple. Morgan figured it out.

"He doesn't want to show Reid to us unless he's in the process of torturing him. It doesn't fuel his fantasy any other way."

Morgan was proven right when the video feed resumed. Hankel was enraged. Gideon had directed Garcia to interfere with a transmission of the latest murder, and whatever personality within the unsub was directing the murders decided to punish him for it. With the electronic connection open, he began to beat Reid mercilessly.

They'd all been called back to the tech room the moment the feed restarted.

In spite of herself, in spite of her need to stand by him, even virtually, JJ had to close her eyes. She simply couldn't take it in, it was too much for her. He was too important to her, too much a part of her life. She'd come to know his heart, and he'd come to know hers. And she knew that his gentle, earnest, loving heart would never be able to bear the evil that was raining down on it. She knew that heart….and she watched as it ceased its beating within the chest of her best friend.

She covered her face, and sobbed quietly into her hands.

_He didn't deserve this, God. He's so good, so gentle. He's been through so much already. Why did You ask so much more of him? Why did You ask it of me?_

She was so caught up in her conversation that she startled when Emily prodded her.

"JJ….look!"

_I can't. I can't watch him die. Please, don't ask that of me._

But now Garcia joined in. "Jayje! Look!"

Slowly, JJ slid her hands from her face, and opened her eyes. The screen was still focused on Reid and Hankel. But they seemed to be talking. _Spence is talking!_

Emily filled her in. "Hankel did CPR…it must have been one of the alters. And he brought him back!"

JJ made a quick spiritual apology. And then listened in with the others as Hankel now challenged Reid to choose one of them to die. And, perversely, she became angry with her best friend when he refused.

_Spence, it's not like he's here. Go along with him! What does it matter? Choose one of us! Choose me!_

But Reid was adamant with Hankel.

"Kill me."

_No! Spence, no! He's right there! He might do it! Choose me!_

Twice, JJ cringed, eyes again closed, as Hankel aimed and fired at Reid in a game of 'Russian Roulette'. But, the third time Hankel threatened, Reid spoke. He agreed to choose.

* * *

JJ would be forever grateful for those long jet trips that brought them back from a case. The ones where she and Spence got to spend some time talking, or playing cards, or just sitting companionably together in silence. The ones where, from time to time, he would strike up a debate with one of their colleagues. The one, in particular, where he and Hotch had argued about the definitions attached to some of their profiles. The one, in particular, that saved Reid's life.

"I'm not a narcissist," insisted Hotch. Inexplicably, he'd made them each recite one of his negative qualities. She'd been forced to admit he was sometimes a bully. "But I'm not a narcissist."

Having realized he was receiving a message from Reid, Hotch had run from the tech room to consult the clue in question. And had known, immediately, what Reid had wanted him to know. He'd made JJ read aloud the bible passage quoted by their colleague. Whether he'd done it so that she could feel a part of the solution, a part of saving someone so important to her, she would never know. But she'd read the passage, and they'd all known, immediately. He was in a graveyard.

Others would muse, after the fact, the irony that the answer had come from the source of Hankel's impetus for killing. It had come from a bible.

JJ thought otherwise. She'd begged for help, and help had been granted. She'd begged for Reid's life, and been rewarded. That he, so unfamiliar with faith, should have been so well schooled in the words of scripture couldn't have been coincidence.

_Did You know? Did You know that he would need Your words one day?_

She didn't need to hear the answer. She knew. It was anything but irony.


	16. Chapter 16

**Prelude**

**Chapter 16**

_He'll be okay, he'll be okay. He has to be okay._

_Really, JJ? Were you not watching him on that video? Did you not see him beaten? Didn't you see that look in his eyes? Didn't you see him when Hankel pulled the trigger in his face? It was the look of someone with nothing left to lose. He barely flinched. He was prepared to die. He thought he was going to die. Or maybe he thought he already had.  
_

_But he's alive! As long as he's alive, he'll be okay. We can make him okay._

_Did he look 'alive' to you?_

He hadn't. In a very real way, he'd looked like someone already dead.

_What happened in all those hours he was invisible to us? What did Hankel do to him? Can it ever be undone?_

She carried on the internal debate…which was more like an internal 'chastisement,' the entire time they were in the SUV. Morgan and Prentiss were in the front seat, Emily turning back to her colleague now and again to take stock of her emotional state.

"How are you holding up, JJ?"

Still not trusting her voice, JJ simply shrugged. Emily saw that her friend was doing her best not to display her emotion, and decided not to push her. Instead, she turned her attention to Morgan.

"It shouldn't be hard to figure out exactly where he's being held. We already know it has a power source. That should stand out pretty well in the middle of a cemetery."

"I don't know. The area is a forest preserve. Garcia researched it before we left. It's historic, which means it's been there forever. Combine that with the fact that it's forested, and it could be hard to pinpoint the building. For all we know, it's some little shack."

"But a little shack with power lines. Or a generator, anyway."

"Finding a shack with a generator in the middle of a forest isn't exactly an easy task, Princess. That's why Hotch had the police mobilize every available unit."

JJ's brain would only admit snippets of the conversation from the front seat, for which she learned to be grateful. It was all adding up to the fact that Spence was still hidden from them. They'd narrowed it down to a relatively small geographic area. But it sounded like Hankel could have easily and effectively hidden him within that area. They might, in reality, be no closer to finding him than they were before.

But the fact that they were doing _something_, that there was action, was comforting. JJ tried to focus on that.

_I'll hold on to that. You just hold on, Spence. Please, hold on!_

Their target location was miles from civilization. It was even miles from the Hankel compound, and had absolutely no cell service. The dark was near total in the post-midnight hour. It was hard to see the road even with their bright beams on, let alone to find and trace power lines running off. Realizing that the power line might actually be a lifeline for Reid, JJ kept her eyes wide open, resisting the urge to blink, lest she miss the opportunity to catch the sight in the distant forward sweep of the vehicle's headlights.

"There! There, Morgan! It looks like there's a line that goes off…"

Emily had her eyes peeled, too. "There's a path there. Dirt….no, gravel. That's got to be it!"

They radioed back to the others in the second SUV, and allowed their police contact to notify the rest.

The early part of their ride had hosted a debate between the occupants of the two SUVs. Morgan was all for storming the building, once located. Hotch was concerned that announcing their presence might startle the unsub into a killing frenzy. But Gideon was confident the deluded man wouldn't stray from his prior pattern, and sided with Morgan.

In the end, they'd realized there was no way to arrive unannounced. In this lonely part of the countryside, their headlights would have been visible for minutes before they arrived at the building. The best they could do would be to act quickly.

They followed the power lines along the path to a clearing. In it sat a poorly maintained cabin, illuminated from within.

Morgan's anxiety to find Reid was evident in the vehemence with which he kicked in the door. As soon as he did, a strange, fetid odor spread among them. Once inside, Prentiss could see that it was some sort of flesh….fish, maybe….sitting, partially cooked, on top of a wood stove now gone cold. She looked around to see, as had the others, the now-familiar confines of the cabin. They all recognized it from the video. This was definitely where Reid had been kept. But it was empty. No Reid. And no Hankel.

They cast glances among one another. The last they'd seen of Reid, the Raphael persona of Hankel's trinity had been threatening him with a loaded gun. And he'd been angry. Righteously angry. That he should have removed Reid from the cabin while in that state, boded ill for their colleague.

"Hotch,…" Morgan wanted them to split up, to cover more ground. But before he could get the idea out, his superior held up a silencing hand.

"Wait…listen…"

All of them remained in place, immobile. Five held breaths, each person listening, praying, trying desperately not to imagine what they were imagining. And then…..

"I hear it!" Emily proclaimed in a whisper. "It sounds like…digging…"

She was already too experienced at this work. Even as she said the word, she knew what it implied. Digging. A grave. The angry Hankel had killed Reid, and was preparing to bury him.

Morgan had reached the same conclusion. "God damn it! I don't care if he's sick. He's a dead man!"

And he ran off in the direction from which the sound seemed to be emanating, the others in close pursuit.

The crunching of their own running steps on fallen leaves threatened to drown out the sound of the digging, so they had to stop every few yards to listen again, to be sure they were heading in the right direction.

Although it was only minutes, to JJ, the stopping and starting made it seem like hours. As much as she dreaded what they would find at the site of the digging, she knew she owed it to Reid. She prayed for the strength she didn't think she could ever possess….to stand witness to the torture death of someone who'd become such an important part of her life.

_Help me, God. It's all I have left to give him.  
_

It seemed as though the sound was moving. If Reid had been with them, he would have explained that the deflection of the sound waves against the trees of the forest was deceiving them. But he _wasn't_ with them, and they didn't quite understand. So they traveled in a zig-zag pattern, constantly correcting their course, until….

_Crack!_

The sound of a single gunshot startled them all. It had been too much in the distance to have been aimed at them. All five of them started running in the direction of the sound, their bodies realizing even before their brains processed it. Hankel's target could only have been Reid. Which meant....

JJ realized it as well as the rest, as her feet pounded the forest floor.

_He's not dead! Thank you, God!_ But her brain wouldn't stop running the scenarios. Maybe this was a good thing. Or, maybe..._  
_

_What if Hankel just shot Spence now? When we were so close? What if Spence saw our headlights? What if he knew we were coming for him? What if he died just when there was reason for him to hope?_

When Hotch began to call out Reid's name, JJ wondered if he'd thought what she had. If he wanted Reid to hear him, to know that they were coming. To give him hope. To give him a reason to hold on.

_Or to let him know that we tried. To let him know that he isn't dying alone._

JJ hated the woods. She'd hated them since she was a little girl. But she'd never hated them as much as she did as she raced through them this night. She hated that they were hiding Spence from her, hated that they'd provided a hiding place for his tormentor, hated…..

She was a short distance behind Gideon when she heard Hotch call out for Reid again. And then she heard Morgan shout, "There! He's there!"

JJ pushed hard through the rough terrain, almost running into Morgan, who'd stopped to get a better look. She squinted against the darkness, trying to make out what lay ahead.

"Reid!" Hotch ran past her, JJ's gaze following him.

There. Just…. there…..in that sliver of moonlight. One figure sprawled on the ground, another kneeling next to it. _Please, God, please God, please God, please God, let it be…..please, God._

As they all drew closer, she could make out the dark middle against the lighter frame. A sweater vest. _A sweater vest!_ It was him. It _had_ to be him. It was Spence. Upright. _Alive_.

And, it appeared, Hankel was not. Unbelievably, the gunshot they'd heard must have been fired by Reid. He'd killed his 'killer'.

Hotch got to him first, and tried to help him stand. But he was too unsteady, and it took two of them. Emily grabbed Reid's other arm, and the two agents lifted their young colleague. JJ stood back and watched as Reid took one disoriented look at his unit chief and fell forward, wrapping his arms around the man.

"I knew you'd understand." Practically sobbing the words.

JJ had all she could do to restrain her own emotions. As pent up as they'd been for the past three days, she couldn't afford to let them loose, couldn't afford the distraction from Reid. He looked so…so not really there. So beaten. So worn. So cold. So tired. So thin. So fragile.

And yet, he'd been anything but fragile. He'd withstood days of torture and deprivation, outwitted all three personalities of the unsub, and, miraculously, stood among them. He'd arranged his own rescue…if it even qualified as a rescue, when the captive took charge and killed the captor.

Some version of those ideas crossed every mind that looked on as Hotch embraced his lost agent. Then, releasing Reid, Aaron Hotchner displayed the wisdom that would make him such an outstanding unit chief. His eyes sought out the one among his team who was most deeply in emotional pain, and made way for her to reach Reid.

JJ saw, and ran forward, throwing her arms around her best friend. Her nearly lost friend. He felt as thin as he looked. But not as fragile as he looked. In his grasp, she could sense it. Deep within, he felt strong. Wiry. Steel. Bent...but steel. Survivor.

He leaned into her at the same time that she leaned into him, both of them swaying on his one good leg.

"Oh, thank God, you're okay." She wept into his shoulder. "Thank God, Spence!"

Reid embraced JJ, taking in her familiar scent, breathing it with relief for reasons going far beyond his being rescued. He heard her words, but couldn't process their meaning. Mostly because he wasn't sure she was right.

_Am I? This….this... is 'okay'?_

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't follow you."

She was sure he'd be angry with her. That he would resent that she'd been safe, and comfortable, while he'd been being tortured. But he wasn't. He was clinging to her, holding her, as though _he'd_ been the one frightened for the life of his best friend.

"JJ…..JJ…" He kept saying her name, over and over again, so softly that only she could hear. "JJ…"

She could only repeat her apology. Knowing that, even if Spence accepted it, even if he forgave her, she still wouldn't forgive herself. "I'm so sorry, Spence."

Finally, her words penetrated his mantra, and he responded. "What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong. It was all my fault."

She felt Reid begin to sag and, as strong as she was, she couldn't hold up his dead weight alone. JJ released him so that the others could help.

Gideon stepped in and caught Reid. Mentor and protégé shared a silent communication that encouraged an onlooking Aaron Hotchner. It was the first time in a very long time that he'd seen Gideon share a genuine human connection with anyone. Maybe his senior colleague _could_ still find the motivation, and the means, to stay with the team.

Hotch motioned to the rest to start leading the way back to their vehicles, leaving Reid with Gideon. JJ complied along with the others, not able to see when Gideon granted Reid a moment alone with the body of his captor. But she _did_ notice when she turned around a minute later, and neither of them were in sight.

"Hotch!"

He turned to see her running back in the direction from which they'd come. Before joining her, Hotch assigned Prentiss to contact emergency services to meet them at the clearing. If necessary, some of them would hike out of the woods and lead EMS back in.

Gideon and Reid had made little progress from the site where Hankel lay. As she drew near to them, JJ's eyes took in the entire scene for the first time. Before, she'd had eyes only for Spence. Now, she saw, in the short distance behind her colleagues, the shallow depression in the ground, the shovel protruding from it. And, in an instant, she understood.

_He wasn't restrained. Spence wasn't restrained. That's how he was able to shoot Hankel, because his hands were free. But that must mean….oh, God, Spence. Oh, God. You were digging your own grave. He was making you dig your own grave._

In the dark, with her back to the others, she didn't bother to hide her tears. She couldn't see how Reid could possibly come back from something like this. The torture and the terror. The deprivation. She couldn't see how he could recover from it. She couldn't see how _she_ could recover from it.

The men of the team seemed to be working out a way for Reid to use two of them as crutches. But the young genius was completely lacking in coordination at the moment, and the process was taking time. Waiting, JJ shivered in the cold and wrapped her arms around herself. And then realized how addled her own brain had become when she finally had a moment of clarity.

"He's freezing!" She was pulling her coat off even as she ran over to them. "It's probably thirty degrees out here!"

Each of the others exchanged a look, realizing how off their games they were, that none of them had thought of that. Even the cabin had been cold, with the wood stove extinguished.

Hotch noticed that Reid was no longer even shivering, his body no longer even trying to bring its core temperature up.

"He's hypothermic."

Part of every agent's training in the FBI Academy was a first aid course. They'd each used their training in the field, but only rarely on a colleague. And never for anything more than superficial wounds and concussions.

"That's why he's so out of it," declared Morgan. He didn't even think to look for a secondary cause of his friend's disorientation.

None of them did, until Hotch saw it. He'd stripped off his coat, and was trying to pull Reid's arm through the sleeve when he noticed. Bruising. Spots of blood. Puncture wounds.

_His sleeve is always rolled up. I never even noticed that it was different, this time.  
_

They simply couldn't get Reid into a rhythm that would allow them to make any time, and Hotch was becoming increasingly aware of the need to get his youngest agent to a hospital quickly. He replaced Gideon at Reid's side, and then he and Morgan each hoisted a leg and moved as quickly forward as they could, the others pushing aside brush to make room.

It was only a fifteen minute journey, but it seemed like hours. Reid was completely silent during the entire trek, prompting a heightened concern about his state of consciousness. At one point, JJ's heart flipped when she looked back and saw Reid's eyes closed, his head lolling.

"Hotch!"

He'd been too focused on keeping his footing. Now he followed her gaze and felt his own heart seize. But he didn't miss a step. Conscious or not, the only way they could help Reid was to get him to medical care. He nodded once at JJ, acknowledging her concern, but then gestured her forward with his chin. She nodded her assent, and kept going.

EMS was just arriving as they entered the clearing. Hotch and Morgan delivered their charge, and Hotch informed the EMTs, "He's hypothermic. And I think he's been drugged."

Morgan shot him a look. "With what?"

Hotch simply shook his head. "There are puncture marks on his arm."

Morgan's angry reaction was cut off when one of the EMTS started taking vitals on Reid and calling them out to his colleague.

"Heart's regular, 48, respirations 12, BP's 80/60 and his temp's…..Jeez, his temp's 92. We'll need to get a core on him, but they'll have to do it at the hospital. Let's get some warm saline going and wrap him up. Then we need to get going. Is anybody coming with him?"

All eyes turned to Hotch for direction. So far, Gideon had been almost completely mute during their entire time in the forest.

"I'll go. I'll be able to give proxy consent for anything he needs." Turning to the team, he added, "Morgan, Prentiss, you drive the others in. And, Morgan, have the police bring Garcia." To Hotch, it was clear that neither JJ nor Gideon belonged behind a wheel. But it was equally clear that his whole team needed to be together.

* * *

"You okay?" Emily looked over to the passenger seat.

"Mmm," was JJ's non-committal reply.

"He's in good hands. He'll be okay, JJ." She chanced several sideways glances, looking for a reaction. Finding none, she addressed what she thought was the root of JJ's misery.

"It wasn't your fault. Any one of us….any _two_ of us, I guess….would have done exactly what you and Reid did. You couldn't very well let an unsub get away. You know he would have murdered someone else. In fact, he _did_ murder someone else. You were only two people, and you had to give it your best shot."

Her statement was met with more silence.

"JJ?"

Finally, a response. "I guess I know that. I mean, I can't think of what else we could have done. But maybe we should have just blocked the road, maybe we could have called for backup."

Emily already knew those hadn't been options. "He was on foot, and he could have easily gotten around you off road. And you had no cell service."

"But he had internet. Maybe we could have gotten on…."

"It's completely encrypted. Even Garcia couldn't get on until he let her. And she was cut off again as soon as he wanted to cut her off."

JJ just sighed, and fell back into silence.

"Hotch is beating himself up about it too, you know."

Now Emily had her attention. "Why?"

"He feels like he sent you into the lions' den without any kind of defense."

"But he couldn't have known. We all thought Hankel was just a witness. Hotch can't blame himself for not knowing."

Emily looked over at her and smiled. "But you can blame yourself for trying to do your job the best you could possibly have done it?"

JJ took it in for a moment, and then gave a small smile. "I know. I know it doesn't make sense. But, even if my head knows there was no other way…my heart doesn't. You know?"

Emily Prentiss was well acquainted with self-imposed guilt. "I know."

* * *

The hospital had given them a conference room to serve as their private waiting room, allowing them to continue to work the case as they waited for word on Reid. The scene was being processed as best it could be without a witness' statement. As soon as Reid was up to it, he would be interviewed.

The women cast anxious glances at Hotch as they entered the room.

"They've got him on a warming blanket, and are giving him warmed IV fluids and dialysis."

"Dialysis?! Why does he need that?" After the relief of finding Reid alive, JJ felt like every succeeding minute brought more bad news.

"It's not the kind you're thinking about. " Morgan had just been educated about the process, having had the same initial reaction as JJ. "It's called 'peritoneal dialysis'. It means they put a needle in his abdomen and put warm liquid in there. Gets the insides warmed faster."

"Oh. So his kidneys are all right?"

"We won't know anything until he's warm, that's what the doctor said. Nothing is working right at the moment. When his temperature comes up, they'll be able to assess the rest of him," explained Hotch.

Reid was being kept sedated, so that he wouldn't pull at his various wires and tubes in his disoriented state. That meant they wouldn't be able to speak with him until the sedation wore off. And they were all disappointed to learn that they wouldn't even be able to see him until he was out of immediate danger.

Which turned out to be many hours later. By the time Reid turned the corner, the sun was well up and the team well into its third pot of coffee.

Hotch had been kept informed by the medical team. It was clear that Reid had been given some kind of opiate, but it could take several weeks to determine exactly which. Curiously, none had been found at the scene.

Once Reid was stable, they were able to x-ray his foot. Three broken bones. The resident told them that, although the bones of the foot were small, fractures of the foot were among the most painful. Reid's fractures were located such that it would be nearly impossible to bear weight without excruciating pain.

The team remembered how they'd tried to assist their fallen colleague to walk out of the woods last night, and felt foolish. Then they realized that he _had _been made to walk on that foot when Hankel marched him from the cabin to the gravesite. It angered Morgan all over again, and he'd stormed out of the conference room, trailed by a consoling Penelope Garcia.

Eventually, Reid was declared ready for visitors. Hotch went first and extracted as much of the story as Reid was able to give him. He shared it with the rest, asking that they not bring it up with the young man.

"If he wants to talk about it, fine. But don't ask. Don't put him through it until he's ready."

They understood. He would, inevitably, relive this experience as often as his mind forced him to. But his colleagues wouldn't prompt it. Each member of them was granted a few minutes with him before returning to the site to help wrap up the investigation. With the unsub dead, and their only witness compromised, their profiling skills would be necessary to decipher the implications of the crime scene.

Hotch noticed when JJ busied herself so that each of the others could have their turn with Reid. She seemed afraid to go to him….afraid of what she would see, afraid of how she would feel, afraid of what he might say. The unit chief realized he had more than one wounded agent on his hands.

He approached JJ where she sat in the corner of the room.

"We'll be heading out to the scene now. We'll need someone here, with Reid. I'd like you to stay."

She looked panicked. "Me? No, Hotch. What about Garcia?"

"We need Garcia at the scene to look at Hankel's electronic setup."

Hotch pulled over a chair and sat across from her. "He's been asking for you. He wants to see you, JJ."

She bit her lip, eschewing eye contact, prompting Hotch to continue.

"I know you feel responsible. So do I. Even if it was impossible for us to know what would happen, it's only natural to wish we could go back and do it differently. But it doesn't work that way. You know that as well as I do. It's the part of the job that no one can train you for….the guilt you assume just because you couldn't make the evil stop."

His words had drawn her eyes to his, in spite of herself. She struggled to find her voice.

"He really wants to see me?"

"He's asked every single one of us if we're sure you're all right. I think his memory is coming back to him. And all he seems to remember is hearing you cry out, and then gunshots.."

JJ's eyes widened as she realized. "He was worried about me? All that time, he thought something had happened to _me_?"

"Something _did_ happen to you, JJ." Hotch knew she was minimizing her own trauma in all of this.

She waved it off. "But….it wasn't important." Knowing, even as she spoke the words, the lie behind them. She'd almost shot Emily because of her 'unimportant' trauma.

Hotch rose, and JJ along with him.

"Go and see him. Stay with him. We'll be in touch."

Feeling just a bit better about it, JJ followed Hotch out of the room and watched him leave with the rest of the team. She turned down a hallway, and stopped just short of the room she knew to be Reid's. Taking a deep breath, musing how ridiculous it was to be afraid of seeing her best friend, she walked the few steps ahead.

She knocked lightly on the door jamb, then turned to leave when she looked into the room and saw that his eyes were closed.

"Hi," came a croak from the bed.

JJ stopped mid-rotation, and corrected herself. She put her best smile on her face before she showed it to Reid.

"Hi." Pause. "You were sleeping. I can come back later." Still standing in the doorway.

"I'm always sleeping. They're giving me something that seems to knock me out."

That's when she realized she wasn't really talking to Reid. Not the real Reid. The real Reid would have given her the full chemical name and composition of the drug, and told her exactly how it accomplished its effect….as well as each of its side effects. But whether his restraint was caused by one of those side effects, or by the effects of the trauma and captivity, she couldn't tell.

She finally moved all the way into the room and made her way over to the bed. Reid patted the space next to him in invitation, and JJ sat down.

"Are you okay?" He squinted his concern at her.

She gave a bitter laugh. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

His smile was tired. "Well, I seem to be in a hospital bed. But I'm talking, so I guess that's a good sign. Everything's relative, right?"

She simply smiled, prompting Reid to continue.

"Seriously, JJ, are you all right?"

She'd purposely put on a long sleeve top that covered the bandage on her forearm, not wanting to draw attention to it, or to herself. She was aware that the others on her team were concerned for her, and stubbornly refused to show any further weakness.

"I'm fine, Spence. Let's talk about you."

He rallied a bit of his energy. "No, really. I need to know. I need you to tell me."

She sighed. "All right, what do you want me to tell you?"

"Apparently I have some amnesia around the time Hankel took me, but I do remember hearing you scream. I remember running through the field, back toward the barn, calling for you.….and then I heard a gunshot. And then…and then, I don't remember what happened. I guess I was knocked out. And it took a while for my memory to come back, but it did, while I was in the shed, and …..God, JJ, I thought he might have gotten you, too. He kept coming and going from the shed, and I thought he might be holding you somewhere else, and… ..doing…..hurting..."

He had to stop, a series of visions of what he'd endured overwhelming him. He'd thought she might have been made to endure the same things, if she had even survived the original encounter with Hankel. He'd thought she might be lost to him, forever.

Reid turned his face away, struggling for control before trying to continue.

JJ didn't even notice at first. She was too stunned by what he'd just told her. That he'd thought she might have been dealt the same fate that he had. Or that she'd died. It made sense of his reaction to seeing her last night, his mantra of "JJ…JJ", his clinging to her so tightly. She'd never even given thought to whether he'd heard her in the barn. The sound of the dogs had drowned out everything in her hearing, and she hadn't considered that Reid had been able to hear it as well. Hadn't realized he'd heard her cry out. Hadn't realized his fear for her. _Just adding to his torture._

She took his chin in her hand and turned his face back to hers. Tears brimmed both sets of eyes. Gratitude for the life of the other. Sadness for what could have been lost. And for what _had_ been lost. Confidence. Security. Innocence.

Without a word, JJ leaned forward and put her arms around him. He ignored the IV in his hand as he wrapped his arms around her as well. Together they sat, holding one another, crying softly for all that had transpired.

At last they broke their embrace and leaned back. As he did, Reid's hand brushed JJ's arm and felt the bandage beneath her sleeve.

"What's this?"

She brushed it off. "Just a scratch." Under a laser stare, she was forced to add, "One of the dogs bit me. But it's okay. It's beginning to heal already."

"I'm sorry, JJ."

"Nothing to be sorry about. Like I said, it's getting better already."

"No, I mean I'm sorry I made us separate. You wouldn't have gotten hurt at all if I hadn't."

JJ heaved a huge sigh. Well-armed with advice from each of their other teammates, she launched into an explanation of how, and why, it wasn't his fault. Wasn't anyone's fault. Except maybe that of Hankel. Charles Hankel.

* * *

She slipped out of his room after the next dose of narcotic analgesic put him right to sleep. A nurse told her where to find the best coffee in the hospital, and she set out for it. But, on the way, she passed a small chapel and felt almost physically drawn into it. JJ sat, eyes closed, and prayed her thanks. But not until after she'd prayed her questions.

_Why? And why us? Why him?_

She'd been asked these questions herself, by so many families struggling with the evil visited upon their loved ones. And she'd always answered the same way. "We don't know. It was nothing they did. It was nothing _you_ did." And then she'd moved on, to her next task in the case. Not unfeeling, not dismissive. Just….busy. Too busy to spend time in reflection on the real answers to the questions. Or, to the fact that there _were_ no real answers.

But now….now it had happened to someone she cared about. More than a little bit. Someone she cared about more than she cared about the rest of her colleagues. Now _she_ was the one asking the questions. Realizing, for the first time, how impossible it was to carry on with life without seeking the answers. Realizing why so many family members became lost, for years, in the search.

And she came to a sad realization.

_I can't do this. I can't care so much and still do my job. I can't have my heart in my throat every time we're in the field, I'll be useless. I need to step back. I'm sorry, Spence. I need to step back._


	17. Chapter 17

**Prelude**

**Chapter 17**

'Stepping back' was both simple and complicated. But it wasn't easy.

Reid was well enough for release from the hospital about twenty four hours after his admission. Of course, 'well enough' was a relative term. He'd suffered a concussion, a deep laceration to his scalp, the broken bones in his foot, and the exposure to the elements and to whatever drug had been injected into him.

"Fortunately," said his doctor, "it was only an opiate, and it may even have helped to dull some of the pain from his fractures. At least it wasn't a hallucinogen."

And, besides, they were sending him home on opiates, to control his pain.

Reid's head injury seemed to be causing him some residual amnesia. Or, Hotch surmised, that was what Reid wanted the others to think. The senior profiler was too good at his job not to notice Reid's lack of eye contact when he reported that he couldn't remember everything that had happened in the shed, with Hankel.

"The doctor said I might never remember it."

_More like you might never reveal it._ But Hotch respected Reid's choice, and held his tongue.

When she found herself fussing over Reid during their ride home on the jet, JJ realized that 'stepping back' would be more of a challenge than she'd anticipated. It was an integral part of her personality to care about those in need. When the person in need was someone she cared deeply about, there was no stopping her. Unless she stopped herself.

But Reid would be 'in need' for weeks. He'd been fitted with a walking boot, but would be on crutches until the pain lessened enough for weight-bearing. And his concussion had bought him several weeks of light duty, most of which he would accomplish from home.

Using every ounce of creativity she had, JJ came up with a scheme that involved the whole team. They would take turns delivering files, and meals, until Reid was able to get about on his own. She was pleased to see the gratification on the faces of the others, each of whom was anxious to help their youngest cope with his current situation.

Step two involved Garcia. JJ made sure Penelope was scheduled to visit Reid before she was. And then she insisted on going along. Ostensibly, it was because she wanted to spend more time with Spence. And, in truth, she did. But it was also because it then seemed perfectly natural when she invited Garcia along on the evening she was assigned. Thus, JJ visited Spence twice as often, but was never alone with him. No heavy conversations. No embraces, no tears. No hot chocolate.

Her resolve was tested after he came back to work. As they flew back to Quantico on the jet, following the resolution of a difficult case, JJ couldn't help but overhear a conversation between Reid and Morgan. Morgan was probing Reid about his emotional state and, after several parries, broke through. JJ heard Reid admit his identification with the victims of the case, how he knew exactly how they'd felt just before they'd been killed. JJ had picked up on the residua of terror in Reid's voice, even if Morgan hadn't. She silently rooted for Morgan to understand it better, to do more than deliver a pep talk to Reid. But he hadn't. JJ's heart broke for her former best friend. He was so clearly in need…..and yet, she was convinced she could no longer be the one to meet that need. They'd gotten too close, and it had compromised their work. She wouldn't let it happen again. She kept her silence, and her distance.

If Reid noticed what was happening, he didn't let on. In fact, he didn't seem to mind being left alone, and sometimes seemed anxious for his visitors to leave. Even when he was able to come back to the BAU, he seemed to eschew conversation about anything but the cases they were handling. It became so obvious that, perversely, and despite her actively putting distance between them, JJ felt rejected. Reid had effectively absented himself from her life, just as she was trying to do with him.

_But I thought we'd still talk. Nothing heavy. But I thought we'd still be friends._ She mourned the loss of that friendship, in spite of herself.

And she became as alarmed as the rest when some of the changes in Reid became more dramatic. Arriving late to work without apology, snapping at his teammates, disappearing for periods of time, in the middle of a case. He was irritable, and looked awful. He'd lost even more weight, and his eyes were shadowed even more deeply by the darkness beneath them.

_If I didn't know better…_

She couldn't let the idea articulate itself to her. It was simply inconceivable that Spence might have developed an addiction. Inconceivable…but not unexpected, given what he'd been through.

JJ privately researched the FBI employee guide for information about how to handle such a situation. What she saw disturbed her. The FBI was an enlightened agency. It was more than happy to be helpful to employees in need of rehabilitation. But it was also a law enforcement agency. If an agent had violated the law in pursuit of an addiction, the FBI would still be helpful in offering rehabilitation….but it might also choose to dismiss the agent, or even to prosecute. Frightening her even more, the guide announced that any agent willfully complicit in such a situation...including those who simply failed to report on their substance-dependent colleagues…would also risk dismissal, and prosecution.

_How is that supposed to be helpful? Now I can't even talk to anyone about it. This doesn't even let me consult Hotch without putting him in an untenable position. And I definitely can't talk to Spence._

Not knowing how to help, and not believing Reid would accept it anyway, JJ actively tried to care less. But it wasn't working. Until the team was called to a case in New Orleans.

* * *

Emily, the most frequent target of Reid's bad temper, had come dangerously close to saying it aloud. His dysfunction had heightened during the New Orleans case. If he hadn't been so high functioning to begin with, Reid would probably have decompensated much sooner. As it was, the New Orleans case saw him blatantly shirk his duties…..and then step back in to solve the case. But the shirking couldn't be ignored, and Emily almost said as much to Jason Gideon.

The master profiler had projected the conversation he would have with Prentiss long before it began. So he was ready with an easy deflection when she started to bring it up, saving both of them from having 'overt knowledge of illegal behavior on the part of an agent'. But the very fact of Emily coming so close to voicing what Gideon suspected all of them were thinking, prodded him to action. He sought out his protégé, and found him without effort.

It turned out that Reid hadn't needed Gideon to challenge him. That had already been accomplished by his friend Ethan, one of the few the young genius had accumulated during his relatively short lifetime. Accumulated, and then lost, to New Orleans jazz.

As he reflected on that, Reid wondered about another lost friend. _What did I lose JJ to?_

* * *

It turned out to be a 'who', not a 'what'. The 'who' was Detective William LaMontagne, the cop son of a cop father, who'd drawn them down to New Orleans for a case. Will LaMontagne was a blatant flirt, and he'd set his sights on Jennifer Jareau.

At first, she was sympathetic. Then put off. Then curious. Then sympathetic all over again.

Detective LaMontagne had lost the father to whom he'd been so dedicated, as JJ was to hers. But he lacked a work ethic. Or, at least, he lacked _JJ's_ work ethic, as evidenced by his flirting and teasing her in the middle of a case, while drinking at a bar during work hours. But he'd redeemed himself….and won JJ over…when he responded with a gallant sympathy to the woundedness of their female unsub. By the time she was leaving for the jet, JJ found herself giving LaMontagne her card, inviting him to call her.

It had been so long since she'd felt like this. Butterflies. Excitement. Anticipation. Wonder. Hope. JJ smiled to herself as she looked out the darkened window of the jet.

"Penny." Reid took the seat beside her. JJ actually startled at his voice. It had been that long since he'd initiated any non-case-related conversation with her. But he'd reached a crisis point in New Orleans, and it had forced him to confront himself and his choices. He'd made his decision. He would choose the life he'd led before Hankel. He would choose life, period. And, for Reid, the first step in that direction was reconnecting with JJ.

She deflected. "Just glad we found her before she could hurt anyone else. Glad Will talked her down."

"Will?" Reid had been so caught up in his own issues during this trip that he couldn't place the first name.

"LaMontagne. Detective LaMontagne."

"Oh, right. Yeah, he was impressive with that." _Will. _For reasons that would only become clear in hindsight, Reid felt his world shift on its axis. Or, rather, _off_ its axis.

"Hey, do you want to get some hot chocolate after we land?"

Having made his decision, he was finally ready to talk.

It was the first time he'd asked, since Hankel. JJ hoped he couldn't see her cringe as she responded.

"Oh, I can't, Spence. I've got plans." _To go home, shower and curl up…with hot chocolate._

"Oh….uh, sorry, I shouldn't have assumed." Trying hard to keep the disappointment from his voice.

"Not a problem. Maybe some other time."

But she wasn't at all sure there would be another time. Not at all sure they'd be able to resume a deep friendship without feeling pulled to take it further. 

_Maybe it just has to be over, period._

"Sure. Maybe."

* * *

She didn't have time to ruminate on things. Life had gotten extremely busy for JJ. Whenever they weren't out of town for a case, she spent her weekends in New Orleans, being swept off her feet with Southern charm. Will was sweet, and funny, and head-over-heels in love with her. JJ enjoyed his company, and his attention. She enjoyed being the center of someone's life, and wondered if she would be able to make Will the center of hers. Importantly, it suited her need for privacy, to be able to carry on a relationship without any of the team knowing.

The one nagging issue was Spence. By now, he'd gotten the message that she wanted to be nothing more than friends. He'd backed off, no longer dropping by her office, never texting an invitation to the coffee shop. She missed him. There he was, down on the bullpen floor, or across the police precinct….or even sitting next to her in the jet…..and they might as well have been a thousand miles apart. Yes, she missed him.

And he missed her. Countless times Reid cursed himself for the distance his addiction had put between them. Driven only by his continued craving to forget, he'd put distance between himself and every member of the team during that time. Now that he was beginning to reclaim his life, he wanted to reclaim those relationships. Especially one, in particular. But it appeared he would fail in the attempt.

_Why should she want to be close again, just because I want it? She's obviously moved on_.

JJ may not have mentioned Will again, but Reid knew. He remembered how she'd said the name, remembered the faraway look in her eyes before he'd engaged her in that particular conversation. He was saddened to think that _he_ hadn't been the subject of her reverie that day. Reid mourned the loss of something that had really never been.

_It was just something I'd begun to hope for. It was never real. So why does it feel like such a hole in my life?_

He did his best not to look pathetic. If they were in physical proximity to each other, he made a conscious effort to move neither closer, nor farther away. If they were assigned together at the police precinct, he offered his usual observations, brainstormed with her, shared communication with the others in the field. But he no longer poured that second cup of coffee, prepared just the way he knew she liked it. No longer shared a carton of Chinese food with her, happy to show his progress with chopsticks. No longer shared…..anything.

In some ways, it was good for Reid. It forced him to build stronger relationships with his other colleagues. Morgan had already been a support for him, a sounding board of sorts. And, he came to realize, the older brother he'd never had. But it was the relationship with Emily that surprised him.

She'd been fairly new to the team when the case in Georgia had been dealt them. In her initial days with them, Reid had been pleased with her handling of Gideon, neither dismissive nor pandering, but just….respectful. The young genius had been aware that his idol was suffering some sort of crisis of purpose, and that it had affected the older man's work. It would have been easy for someone new to the team to ignore the man completely, and acknowledge Aaron Hotchner as the functional leader of the team. But Emily hadn't done that. And Reid was grateful for it.

But his captivity, and what came after, had changed him. Unleashed a bitterness, a deep-rooted cynicism. And Emily had been an easy target for its release. Some self-preservation mechanism in him had kept him from targeting those with whom he'd had supportive relationships, even as he was seeing those relationships dissolve. Without a moment of conscious thought, his psyche had chosen Emily Prentiss to be the bearer of his drug-addled vitriol.

But a now sober Reid discovered much to love about his newest colleague. Her sense of humor. Her love of languages. Her eclectic taste in art, film and literature. And what he suspected was an IQ that, while not exactly rivaling his, was up there. Way up there. He could have conversations with Emily that he couldn't have with anyone else.

Perhaps, more than anything, he loved that she didn't hold it against him. He'd done his own homework about how the FBI dealt with addiction, and knew he couldn't talk about it with any of them, even to make amends. But he had the sense that Emily understood, both about the addiction, and about his new sobriety. And he didn't feel the least bit judged, though she would have had every right to do so. So it was only natural that, when the next crisis in his life occurred, it was Emily, and not JJ, to whom Reid turned.

They'd had a difficult case on a college campus. Co-eds being killed, it turned out, by a campus security guard. But Gideon had made a wrong call on strategy, and it had cost two lives.

There had been an incident that reminded both Reid and JJ of their old relationship, and the fact that it was gone. They'd paired up for most of the case, and managed to accomplish their work well. But then…an unexpected death, caused by a copycat….and JJ had been spit at by one of the grieving students. Without thinking, Reid had run to her defense…..only to be dismissed. "What? It was nothing." And she'd walked away from him.

The irony hadn't been lost on either of them. It had been the most natural thing in the world for Reid to run to the defense of his best friend. And it would have been the most natural thing in the world for that best friend to have been grateful. But they were no longer that….best friends…..and the incident served to highlight that fact.

That memory alone would have been enough to sadden Reid. But it was what happened next that actually accomplished the deed.

Gideon had gone. He didn't show up to the BAU one day. Just like that. He didn't show up. He was gone. Without a word to anyone. Including his protégé. Reid had spent all night sitting upright in a chair in Gideon's office, waiting for the man to appear. He'd been promised a chess game. And, even when it had become clear that his mentor wasn't going to show, Reid hadn't been able to bring himself to believe that he'd been abandoned once again. He'd sat, upright, and fallen asleep.

JJ had found him that way in the morning. And, even as she'd wakened him and heard why he'd spent the night in Gideon's office, she'd known what happened. _Gideon's finally gone over the edge. I just hope he doesn't take Spence with him._ And she prayed that another of their teammates would be able to help Reid pick up the pieces. _That's not my job anymore._ Surprised, a little, to find out that she still wished it was.

Hotch had taken over, no longer just a functional unit chief. He was newly appointed, and they were nowhis team. And he knew who would bear the brunt of the loss.

"Reid, I need your head in this."

It was an acknowledgement of Reid's loss, and the young man appreciated and respected his new unit chief because of it. Aaron Hotchner would have Spencer Reid's best, this case, and every case.

Emily made him talk about it. The rest of the team may not have realized it yet, but she was an excellent interrogator. Disarming, clever, sympathetic…..she could make a connection with almost any unsub. And she could make a connection with a grieving younger colleague.

She'd gotten him to tell her that Gideon had left a letter. Written to Reid, but really for all of them. An explanation for why he needed to leave. Inarticulate. Inadequate.

"It's just like the letter my father left me when he walked out." Reid's cynicism was biting. But Emily's sensors pushed through it. She heard what he'd not intended anyone to hear. That he likened Gideon to his father….not just in his leaving, but in his role in Reid's life. He'd been abandoned by the most significant male figures in his life. Twice.

But a lifetime of experience served Emily Prentiss well. She knew it was never that simple. People didn't live in black and white. Life was lived in the gray areas. So she looked for the gray in Gideon's leaving. And found it.

"Did you ever wonder why he wrote to you?"

Reid didn't understand. "He left this message for everyone."

"But he addressed it to you. Not to Hotch, who took over his role. Not to Strauss, by way of resignation. He addressed it to _you_. Why?" She held her breath, hoping he'd get it.

Reid shrugged, not knowing. So Emily told helped him.

"I think he addressed it to you because he cared that you understand. Because he was failing…..being human, and failing…..but he didn't want to hurt you. Do you get it, Reid? That he wrote to you because he cared. But he was…"

"Weak. He was weak." Reid flashed back on the shed, and the drug-induced memory of the argument between his parents, when William Reid left. The flashbacks were less frequent than they had been at first….but they still occurred.

"He was human, Reid. We're all weak. We're all strong. He had his moment of weakness just then. But it doesn't mean he won't find his strength again."

Right then, right there, Spencer Reid decided that he loved Emily Prentiss. She'd helped him hold on to his image of Jason Gideon, and he would be forever grateful.


	18. Chapter 18

**Prelude**

**Chapter 18**

The unthinkable had happened. One of their number had been attacked, Maliciously, unexpectedly, and, perhaps, fatally. Penelope Garcia had been shot by an unknown subject, her life in mortal danger. JJ sat on a bench in the surgical waiting area, twenty feet away from where Hotch was speaking on his phone, when the elevator door opened.

_Spence!_ She leapt up from her seat when she saw him, and both of them moved toward each other... before stopping, awkwardly. Each wanted nothing more than to be comforted by, and to comfort, the other. But their new relationship status may as well have been a brick wall between them. Reid stopped short of JJ, and she let her arms fall to her sides. The conversation each wanted to have would be held only by their eyes.

_I need you._

_I'm here._

Before they were joined by the others, she explained what she knew of the attack. Morgan was MIA, so Reid did his best to telephonically track him down, realizing, as he did so, the irony. This was the task he _would _have given to Garcia.

They were lucky, up to a point. Penelope's life was spared through the serendipity of ricochet. Once she began her recovery, her electronic proficiency helped to identify the unsub, and to locate him…..at the BAU. She, Morgan, Prentiss and Reid were at her apartment, watching on surveillance cameras as the unsub made his surprise appearance on their screen. They launched a search via other BAU cameras to find a colleague who could be alerted. Reid's stomach flipped when he saw the feed settle on her. _JJ._

_No. No! Not her! It's too big a risk! Don't ask her to do it! Don't…._

But Morgan had already made the call, and now they were all racing to the BAU to back her up.

* * *

By the time they arrived, it was all over. Reid's eyes searched out the periphery of what had been their bullpen, but was now a crime scene, looking for her long blonde hair. Finally found it, talking to a couple of IA agents. Internal Affairs would be investigating this one.

Reid made a wide arc around the glass and blood that was all over the floor as he worked his way over to where Rossi and Hotch were explaining to the others what had happened.

"How is she? How's JJ?" He remembered exactly how he'd felt when he'd made his first kill shot. And then immediately flashed on the incredible fact that he had already acquired a second. 

_Please don't ever let it become routine. Please._

Garcia had already run over to hug her best girlfriend, and assured her gentle genius. "She's okay. She told me she never even blinked."

Reid didn't hear that as good news. Nor did he think it meant JJ was 'okay'. He was worried about her, and frustrated that he didn't know how to approach her any more.

_I know I'm supposed to think that she has Will to talk to. Or, maybe I'm not supposed to think that, because she doesn't want anyone to know she's seeing him. But, officially or not, I know he's in her life. I just don't have the feeling that he can help her with this. I'm not sure he'll even realize he needs to help her. He may not even see that she needs help._

Hours later, he was still awake, and still ruminating. The event had caused him to go back and revisit all of his prior relationship with JJ, and the fact that he'd lost it.

_It takes two to make a relationship, doesn't it? So what do you call it when only one person feels like they're still in it?_

By 2 AM, he'd concluded he had nothing to lose.

_She can ignore me. Or tell me to go away. But I can't ignore her. I can't pretend I don't know what it's like. Or that I don't remember what she did for me, when it was my turn._

He could still feel her embrace from that night, seemingly so long ago, after he'd effected the demise of the long distance serial killer. He knew, to this day, that he'd have been lost if she hadn't been there. So he couldn't help but reach out to her.

But he wouldn't force it. He would give her an out. Instead of calling JJ, Reid picked up his phone and texted her.

2 AM. MAKING HOT CHOCOLATE.

Ten minutes later, when he'd had no response, Reid thought he might as well move from his reading chair to his bed, though he was sure sleep would be elusive. Just as he started to rise, his phone alerted a text.

SOUNDS GOOD.

It was the first overture in months that she hadn't refused. In almost a year, actually. In fact, he'd given up making overtures, until now. Not wanting to overstep, he texted back.

CALL?

And then was startled when his phone actually rang.

"JJ?"

"You were expecting someone else at this hour?" It would have been humorous, if not for the tone of her voice.

"Are you okay? No, forget that, it's a stupid question. Of course you're not okay. How are you?" Reid shook his head at himself, aware that he was babbling.

She took an extra moment or two to respond. "That's the thing. I'm sort of okay. And it scares me. Really, Spence….it scares me. I mean, I killed someone today. And I didn't even flinch. I don't think I'm flinching still."

Sometimes you just had to state the obvious. "JJ, you're up in the middle of the night, talking about it. I think that officially counts as a 'flinch'."

Silence on the other end of the line. Then, "I know, but…..Spence, I don't really feel bad about it. I mean, I get that he was about to kill other people, including people I care about. And he'd shot one of my best friends, and nearly killed her. So I get that it might have been justified. I just…I can't take it in, I guess. There's someone who had a life, who was alive and breathing….and now he's not, because of me. He gets only this one life, and I took it from him. And I…..I …"

He could hear the hitching of her breath and then….softly, so softly….he could hear her weeping.

He could feel it, viscerally, the desire to hold her. To still her sobs, to help her stay together. But all he could actually offer was his distant, virtual presence, carried over space on an invisible electronic wavelength.

Reid held his silence. He listened as she first struggled for control, and then give up completely, giving in to the emotion she'd denied. That she didn't break the connection spoke volumes to him. She needed him to be there. And the 'always in control' Jennifer Jareau was willing to be vulnerable before him.

As the sounds on the other end of the line subsided, Reid spoke.

"Can you feel me?"

She didn't understand. "What?"

"Can you feel me? I'm right there, right next to you. You just told me to take my shoes off if I want to put my feet up on the table."

She chuckled softly. "And are you wearing two different socks?" Joining in the exercise. Smiling, remembering.

"Yes, ma'am. Always."

JJ sat with the phone in her hand, and closed her eyes, the better to see.

"Okay," she reported, "I can feel you."

"Good. Are you holding your pillow?" Her favorite position for their discussions, facing him sideways on the sofa, legs crossed under her, pillow in her lap.

She remembered too, and reached for it. "I am now."

"Okay. So tell me. Tell me what's really going on inside."

He could almost picture her, head down, thinking, struggling for the words. She'd told him once that she envied his vocabulary. "If I could express myself like that, with just the right words, I don't think I'd need to hold so much inside."

He waited her out, willing to give her the rest of the night if need be. Finally, she spoke again.

"I think…I think that there was nothing else I could have done. And no one else could have done it but me. I mean, he'd already killed people, we'd figured that out. And he was about to do it again. He had to be stopped. Right?"

It was a rhetorical question, and Reid let it go unanswered.

"But, Spence, the thing is…..I was _angry_. I was angry with him for hurting Penelope. He almost killed her! And I'm not one hundred percent sure I didn't pull the trigger out of anger."

"JJ.."

She spoke right over him. "Spence, how does that make me any different from any of them? If I'm willing to kill someone out of anger?"

Reid took his time, wanting to get it right. It felt like a high-stakes discussion.

"JJ…..do you think it's possible to be angry about a situation without being angry with the person in it?"

She paused, considering. "I know there have been a lot of unsubs who did unspeakable things, but were just too sick to be angry with."

"Exactly. It doesn't make us hate the evil they've done any less. But we pity them more than anything else."

"But I _didn't_ pity him, Spence. He was law enforcement, just like us. And he tried to kill a member of my family. All I felt was anger." She paused, realizing. "Now I know how the families of the victims feel."

The words seemed familiar to both of them. They were very nearly what Reid had said to Morgan about being able to relate to what the murder victims felt, just before they were murdered. Except that JJ wasn't meant to have heard those words. So she couldn't point out the irony. 

_You know what it feels like to be a victim. And I know what it feels like to mourn._

"Let me ask you this. If the victim had been someone else…someone you didn't know….and he'd still been in the BAU, threatening to kill someone else…would you have taken the shot?"

Aware that his argument was inadequate. It wasn't the fact of the shooting that beleaguered her. It was the knowing why.

"Of course. I couldn't let him kill anyone else."

"And, if you'd been able to take him down without shooting him….would you have done that?"

No pause this time. She didn't need to think about it. "Of course."

"So…."

"So, my anger doesn't matter. I didn't shoot him because I was angry."

"Exactly."

"But I wasn't _sorry_, Spence. I think _that_ was because of Penelope."

She couldn't see him shaking his head. "You can't help your emotions, JJ. He hurt someone you love, and you had a natural reaction. Would you rather not care?"

He didn't understand the length of her silence this time. Didn't understand that she was thinking back to the last time someone she cared about had been hurt. Didn't understand that she had, indeed, reacted by trying not to care.

"JJ?"

"I'm here. And no, you're right. It's important to care." Long pause, as she considered the wisdom of saying what she most desperately wanted to say. Then she decided that wisdom was overrated.

"Spence?"

"Mm?"

"This was...nice. Well, you know what I mean, not 'nice' what we had to talk about. But it was nice. I needed it." _Needed you._ "Thank you."

"There's nothing to thank me for. You were so good to me when it happened to me…..and….." 

_And I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd left you alone in this._

She blurted it out before she could swallow it back down. "I miss you."

He closed his eyes, suddenly emotional over the unexpected confession. When he could speak, he responded. "I miss you, too."

For each of them, the friendship was too important to mess up a second time. Too important to be threatened by a lack of honesty. They each yearned to reclaim the relationship, but knew their circumstances had changed radically from before.

"Spence…..there's something I haven't told you. Haven't told anyone on the team, actually. So please just keep it between us. But….I'm seeing someone."

_I know. Will._ But he played the innocent.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Will LaMontagne. Do you remember him? We met him on that case in New Orleans. The one where.."

_The one where I shirked my responsibility, because I was too focused on getting high._ "I remember."

"Oh. Well….I thought you should know." 

_Because it will keep things light between us. We won't start to care too much. Because caring too much only leads to pain._

And, in truth, she _had _become very fond of the young detective from NOPD.

"Well, congratulations, then." Trying to keep the disappointment from his voice.

"Thanks." Having achieved some degree of emotional decompression, JJ's body emitted a long yawn.

"You'd better get some sleep. We've got to be at the BAU in five hours."

"You too, then. Hey, Spence?"

"Yes?"

"Can you feel me?" She mirrored his earlier phrasing.

He smiled, noticing. "What am I feeling?"

"You're feeling yourself wrapped in a big, tight, bear hug. From somebody who thanks you very much."

He grinned. "Right back at you."


	19. Chapter 19

**Prelude**

**Chapter 19**

"Here you go, coffee, light, with a gazillion packets of sugar in it." JJ handed off the drink as she took the seat beside Reid in the jet, her own coffee in hand.

"Thanks." He tried for a grin, but didn't quite get there. Even before she settled in, he directed his gaze back out the window.

JJ studied him for a moment. "Tough case, wasn't it?"

It had been difficult for all of them, but none more than Reid. Two adolescent girls taken, one found dead. The unbelievable heartache of having the parents identify the dead girl by her last voice message. The race to find the second girl before she could meet a similar fate. The ineffectual attempts to contain the rage of that young woman's mobster father. The death of the young perpetrator at the end of a shotgun fired by that mobster father.

Reid had seen it as his chance to interrupt the cycle, to save the young girl from falling into her father's lifestyle, by getting the man to demonstrate mercy, rather than revenge. But revenge and retaliation had won the day. It cost the young perpetrator his life, the young girl her moral center….and Spencer Reid his sense of purpose.

He couldn't shake the scene from his head. The sound of the young man begging for his life, the encouragement by the young girl to have her father end that life. His own attempts to reason with the angry father. The sound of the shotgun echoing against the tiled walls. The sight of the young man fallen, the look of satisfaction on the young girl's face. The coppery aroma of the blood.

"Spence? Are you with me?"

Morgan had mentioned to JJ that Reid had seemed out of it when the rest of the team ran into the room. The older profiler had seemed more puzzled than worried, but something about it raised JJ's antennae.

"Spence?" She waved her hand up and down in front of his staring eyes.

He shook himself back to the present. "Hmm?"

"Are you okay? Morgan said it was a pretty difficult scene back there."

She and Emily had met the father and his daughter in the hallway, and escorted them out of the building. They hadn't witnessed the grisly scene. Hadn't seen Reid staring, silent, open-mouthed.

Reid's head had already taken him to a place he'd rather not share. Instead, he simply answered, "Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks for asking."

JJ knew when she was being put off. But before she could push him further, Hotch beckoned her to the front of the cabin for something. Reid went back to his rewind of the events at the school, and his inability to stop them.

_Couldn't the kid have been redeemed? Couldn't he have been given the chance to find out? And what about the daughter? What must she think of how the world works? What will she teach her own children?_

All of the sorrow, and dysfunction, and malice, became interwoven together into an incomprehensible mass of oppression that threatened to overwhelm him. He could feel it. He could feel the desire to forget. That desire wasn't something new to him. He'd had it all his life. It was, after all, only human. But the means…..that, he hadn't known….before Hankel.

Reid could feel it creeping up on him. The tentacles of desire were licking at him already, and he could sense that his sobriety was at risk. So, when the plane landed and the team dispersed to their vehicles at the airport, Reid jogged to catch up with JJ.

"Hey….how about brunch tomorrow? It's Saturday. We can sleep in and meet up at the coffee shop." _I need some hot chocolate._

"Oh, Spence, I'm sorry! I'm actually trading one airport for another tonight. I have a flight to New Orleans at 9." As she did almost every weekend.

"Oh…right, I should have thought of that. Well….have a good time."

"I will. And can I have a rain check? I'm sure I'll be around one of these weekends."

His smile was wistful. "Sure. Some weekend."

* * *

He wasn't really worried about giving in to the temptation. Not directly. After all, he'd dumped every vial and pill he'd had in the apartment. But he knew that living with the craving was torture, and he was afraid it would affect his ability to think. And then, not thinking clearly…..well, who knew what he might end up doing. He was a genius. He could figure out a way to get drugs.

He'd had therapy, after Hankel. The FBI mandated it in cases where PTSD was likely. So he'd learned some techniques of relaxation, and distraction….and he put every one of them to use over the succeeding forty eight hours. Even if sleep hadn't been elusive, he would have been exhausted from the constant mental battle to rid himself of the vision that kept presenting itself inside his head. The dead young man, the twisted young girl, the righteously irate father….and back again to the dead young man. From time to time that young man would morph into another, lying next to a shallow grave in a cemetery in Georgia. When Reid himself had been the righteous shooter.

By the time Monday morning came, he somehow managed to show up to the BAU in a functional state. Or so he hoped his colleagues would think. But he'd had almost no rest, and even less mental release. So he was happy to hear that they would be standing down for the day, not accepting any new cases in the field. For most of them, the day would be delegated to reports and paper consults. Reid breathed a sigh of relief.

And then was immediately on alert when Hotch informed him that the two of them would be traveling to Connecticut to interview an infamous serial killer before his scheduled execution. It was part of an ongoing project, and it did fall into Reid's area of expertise, but it was also an area where Morgan had quite a bit to offer. The young man couldn't help but feel like he was under scrutiny by the expert profiler who was now his unit chief. He expected to be grilled during their hour-long flight.

But Hotch was unexpectedly silent. To Reid, it seemed like his boss was brooding about something. And he began to worry about what it might be.

"Hotch….excuse me for asking…"

The younger man was still too aware of the hierarchy of his business to speak out uninvited, but he also felt bonded to Hotch in many ways. This was the man who'd fostered his development as an agent after Gideon had become too distracted to do so. The man who had understood exactly the message Reid was sending to him from a godforsaken shack in Georgia, and used it to effect his rescue.

He was also the man whose job it was to chastise the young genius from time to time. As uncomfortable as those episodes might be, Reid recognized them for what they were….caring acts of formation. The kind of formation his father hadn't bothered to stick around for.

Despite the chronologic impossibility of them being father and son, Reid had almost a son's love and admiration for Aaron Hotchner. Which was what finally brought the young genius out of his own head, and away from his unrelenting, haunting visions of the recent, and not-so-recent, past. Reid became absorbed in figuring out what was bothering Hotch, and forgot about his own circumstance.

"Hotch?" The man hadn't responded to Reid's previous words. Now he looked at the younger man, startled out of his reverie.

"What is it, Reid?"

"Um…." Now not sure he had the right to ask. But also knowing he _had_ to ask. "Are you okay?"

Hotch's words and manner conflicted with one another. "I'm fine." When he saw Reid's openly questioning glance, Hotch added, "It's nothing." Indicating the files in Reid's lap, he added, "Have you gone through everything?"

Even a low-functioning Spencer Reid was able to review a set of files at lightning speed. "Yes. I've got his bio, his background and the details of each of his kills."

"Good. Maybe we'll be able to learn something today. Getting into the mind of a serial killer facing imminent death is a rare opportunity." Now Hotch fixed his trademark stare on Reid. "I'm glad you're up to it. You looked exhausted this morning. Still do."

When Reid didn't respond to him, Hotch added, "It was a tough case. You did your best."

Reid shook his head. "If that's my best, maybe I don't belong in this line of work. He killed that kid, right in front of his daughter."

"And you."

Reid's eyes jumped to meet Hotch's. He shouldn't have been surprised, but he was. He'd been found out by his unit chief.

"I'm okay," he lied.

Hotch continued staring at him, a battle waging within. For inexplicable reasons, he felt a bond with this young man. Not exactly a younger version of himself…far from it, in fact. But there was something about how they viewed the world…and the job….and each other….that was mutual. Both carried burdens they would never fully share. Both assumed the burdens of nearly everyone around them. Both paid the enormous emotional price of caring too much, and being afraid to let anyone know. But they knew it about each other.

"Good."

* * *

Hotch didn't need to ask Reid to keep the information to himself. The younger man knew he'd been privileged to hear what was bothering the more senior agent. It was uniquely personal, and painful, and he knew Hotch had spoken in a moment of vulnerability. Hayley wanted a quick, uncontested divorce, and Hotch didn't want the divorce at all. Reid would give no indication of it to anyone until Hotch was ready for it to be known.

The day had been….remarkable. Reid knew Hotch couldn't possibly have planned it. _He couldn't have, could he?_ But they'd been thrust into a situation where the young genius had to use his talents to talk down a violent serial killer with nothing left to lose. And he'd succeeded. Like nothing else could have, the incident served to reverse so much of the negative energy plaguing the young man.

Reid felt…safe. Safe from the guilt he'd been carrying, safe from the cravings…safe from himself. But he knew it was only a temporary reprieve. He would have to find a healthier way to cope. One that didn't rely on sleepless nights or barely effectual relaxation exercises. He needed a more permanent, and reliable solution. And he thought he knew where to find it.

* * *

His fingers kept searching for it, seemingly of their own accord. Searching until it was found. Picking it out among the other things similarly shaped, tracing the raised lettering. To anyone else, it would have looked like his typical stance, shoulders back, hands in his pockets. But it was anything but typical. It was the stance of a man holding his lifeline. As he took it out and fingered it once again, it brought him back to the evening before. When…

His heart was pounding, his palms sweating profusely. It almost felt like withdrawal. But it wasn't. He stood and walked forward.

"My name is Spencer, and I'm…uh…..I don't really know what I am."

He didn't. He knew he'd come about his addiction in a non-traditional way. But he'd been listening to person after person come forward to tell their story this night. And not a single one of the stories told had been 'traditional'. Each told of a life that had come to crisis, whether through loss, or need, or some ongoing, unrelenting, tragic circumstance. What they had in common was pain….psychic pain, emotional pain, physical pain. Each had turned to their substance for some form of analgesia. And each had found that analgesia to become increasingly fleeting, requiring more of their select substance, more frequently. The triggering challenge had diminished in light of the new challenge of addiction.

Still, he didn't know if he was an addict. He hadn't originally _chosen_ to turn to dilaudid. That choice had been made for him. 

_Doesn't that change things?_

He'd had this internal conversation more times than he could count. Even having gone through a painful, sickening withdrawal, he continued to reject the appellation. Addict. It sounded like a term that should only apply to others. But as he listened to person after person share their story of dependence, he realized his own wasn't really all that different from theirs.

_Addict. Me. I am an addict._

It was too new a concept, and he couldn't get the words out once he was in front of the group. All he could do was to tell the story of what had triggered the new cravings. Put it out in front of the others. Hope the rest would follow. Hope that he could make the public admission, join the ranks. And hope that doing so would strengthen his resolve in recovery.

But he was called away emergently, and never got the chance. Wouldn't find out if he had it in him. If he would actually be able to make the admission. Reid was both distressed and relieved at the interruption.

And then dumbfounded when he was followed out of the Beltway Clean Cops meeting by someone he recognized, _from his photo on the walls of the main FBI Building in DC_. He called himself 'John'. The very fact of his searching Reid out was John's admission of addiction, his willingness to be known. As well as a sign of his trust in the young agent, that he would keep the knowledge in confidence.

John had given Reid his one year medallion, despite the younger man's having only achieved ten months of sobriety. Just a piece of metal a little bigger than a quarter. But it weighed heavily in Spencer Reid's pocket. It kept him moored throughout a case that tried to wreck him against the rocky shores of memory.

* * *

He isolated himself in the back of the jet as they returned to Quantico, awaiting what he knew would be the inevitable visit from Aaron Hotchner. He'd not conducted himself as a member of a team during this case. In some ways, he'd not even conducted himself as an adult. And yet, Reid wasn't disappointed in his actions. A small smile crossed his face as he realized he'd essentially been given a 'time out' by his unit chief, who'd sent him away to work with Morgan, out of sight of the LEOs he'd offended.

He'd identified, in a unique way, with their teenaged unsub, a long time victim of bullying. Remembered the shame of it happening to him, the desire to lash out in retaliation.

_I don't know why I didn't. I certainly had the ability to come up with a masterful scheme. And I definitely wasn't being supervised. So I guess I have to thank You, that I didn't become an 'Owen'._

Reid had blamed the town's violence on everyone but the kid pulling the trigger. The failure of the father to love and protect his son. Missed opportunities for interrupting the torment the young man suffered at the hands of his peers in school. Lack of understanding of the effects of his learning differences.

Now, with his emotional energy waning, Reid was able to see what he'd done. Nearly every serial killer they'd encountered had some sort of tragic past history. If they'd encountered Owen a few years down the road, perhaps he would have looked like all of the other lost souls. And Reid would have let him.

_But he was just turning. He wasn't all the way gone yet. I thought I could save him before he'd gone too far down that road. I thought I…_

Abruptly, Reid stopped his thought.

'_I'. Not 'we'. That's where I was wrong. I tried to do it alone. I forgot I was part of a team. I forgot it wasn't my burden to bear._

A shadow fell on the seat across from him as Hotch made his way down the aisle. Reid sat with his eyes cast down as Hotch seated himself, preparing himself for whatever Hotch had to deal out.

The unit chief was understandably angry with Reid for the risks he'd created, both for himself and for others. Briefly, Hotch frightened Reid into thinking he might have gone rogue enough to be fired. But then the senior agent softened. Still stern, just….softer. He asked Reid to explain himself, and then pointed out the inadequacy of the explanation.

But then, he'd shown the insight that Reid already trusted, and would come to rely on over the years.

"I know it's difficult when the person you relate with is the bad guy."

Reid was taken aback by that. That Hotch should have read him so easily. It made him wonder if the older man had his own experience with the feeling. And then he wondered how, and what, and with whom.

But all he said was, "What does that make me?"

"Good at the job." With a pat on the shoulder and a veiled caution to seek more professional help, Hotch left him, those four words resounding in Reid's brain.

It sounded so much like what Morgan had said to him when he'd confessed his identification with the young girls found dead in the woods. "_Use it. Let it make you a better profiler._"

They seemed such pat responses. Things said when the actual answer couldn't be known. The kinds of things they said to the families of victims, knowing they offered no real comfort. But they were effective in ending the conversation.

And yet, he trusted Hotch. So he put the advice away for another time, when he wasn't so close to it. Maybe it would bring wisdom then.

When shadow fell across the seat for a second time, Reid assumed Hotch had found a few other offenses to address. But no. A softer shadow this time. JJ.

"Mind if I sit?"

He tried to smile. He knew he'd frightened her today….he'd frightened _all_ of them. He assumed she was upset with him.

"'Course not."

So she sat. And stared, expectantly. Waiting him out.

He chanced eye contact from time to time. She wasn't going anywhere.

Finally, he felt compelled to speak. "I'm sorry."

"Tell me what you're sorry for." Anger mixed with concern in her voice.

"For taking chances. And for speaking the truth, when I knew no one could hear it."

He had to get that in. He hadn't been wrong in identifying what had caused Owen to break. He'd just been wrong about whom he'd said it to, and when. For some reason, it was important to Reid that JJ understand this.

"Speaking the truth?"

"I wasn't wrong, JJ. This was a completely preventable situation, if only the people who should have been looking out for Owen had done just that."

"You think the school, or the sheriff could have had an effect on him when his own father couldn't?"

"I think that, when a parent isn't capable of doing the right thing, it's crucial that the other adults in a kid's life step up."

With that, JJ suddenly understood. They weren't just talking about Owen. Reid had been another child with an incompetent parent.

"Spence….."

He could tell she was going to ask. And he didn't want to answer. He'd already confessed more than he'd ever intended in that unguarded moment with Morgan. And even though his friend had been sympathetic…even empathetic….looking back, Reid just felt _pa_thetic. Something to be pitied. Not even some_one_. And he couldn't bear JJ thinking of him that way. He knew, beyond doubt, that he would never share his humiliations with her.

"Please don't ask. It's all in the past. Can we talk about something else?"

"All I was going to say was….I'm grateful for whomever stepped up for you."


	20. Chapter 20

**Prelude**

**Chapter 20**

Apparently it wasn't a secret anymore. It was no longer something she'd shared only with Reid. JJ had decided to go public with her relationship with Will, by kissing him in the presence of the team, in a police station in Miami. Morgan and Prentiss had some snide comments to make about it, since they'd suspected it for months. Reid joined in, remarking in the same vein. "What's it been….like a year?" And then continued on his way, hoping he'd seemed casual about it.

He was anything but casual. But he was resigned. He'd made choices, albeit tempered by his addiction. And JJ had made choices as well. And those choices had brought them further apart, not closer together. Not that they'd ever had more than just the friendship between them. And not that either had actively chosen _not_ to get romantically involved.

_Right? I know I didn't. But, did she?_

He'd felt like they might have been headed in that direction, before…. then laughed at himself. _You only wish._

Will's appearance in Miami was a surprise to all of the team. Even JJ, it seemed. He'd been called there because his vacationing partner had become a victim of the unsub. When they'd first arrived, only Reid had knowledge of Will's relationship with JJ. Without planning it, the young genius had sent up his antennae to notice the interaction between the two. What he'd seen had puzzled him.

Will seemed…..familiar….with JJ. Or at least he was trying to act familiar. And she was having none of it. If anything, she'd seemed annoyed at Will's not keeping things on a professional level. Until something…or someone…changed her mind. And then she'd kissed him. Publicly. In front of anyone, without caring who that 'anyone' was.

Something about it being more widely known seemed to make it 'official'. Definite. Permanent. And the others seemed to approve of it. So Reid tried to feel happy for JJ. But her behavior during a subsequent case made him question whether she was really happy.

It was one of those odd circumstances where the team was split up. Rossi and Hotch had traveled together to Boston to interview the female perpetrator in a domestic homicide. The rest of them were to have been in Quantico doing consults. But JJ had been presented with a possible case of stalking. And she'd advocated so strongly for the victim that they found themselves taking the case, albeit against the better judgment of most of them.

And she was right to have done so. Her stalker would have killed the victim, had not the team become involved. Yet, Reid noticed, JJ didn't seem pleased. She opposed her colleagues when they wanted to look more deeply into the victim's personal life. _Actively_ opposed them. Something she'd never done before.

"JJ, you fought for this case." Reid pointed out the obvious, when his friend appeared dismayed at their depth of intrusion into the female victim's life. He didn't understand her reluctance. This was how they operated. This was how they solved cases. This was how they helped.

She was quiet on the way back, pensive. Not celebrating one of their rare cases where nobody died. Sitting in the back of the SUV with her, Reid stole sideways glances now and then. He knew her need for privacy. He wouldn't probe her in the presence of Morgan and Prentiss.

But once they were back, Reid made a point of lingering at his desk after Morgan and Emily had left for the day. He could see that the light was still on in JJ's office. So he made his way there, and knocked softly on the open door.

"Come….oh, Spence. What can I do for you?" Not exactly in 'official mode', but not exactly seeming ready to share, either.

He walked in, no longer shy about coming to visit her. "Hey. I just was getting ready to go and….I thought…..well…..JJ...are you okay? I mean, you haven't seemed quite yourself today."

He could almost see the veil descend. JJ's gaze didn't quite reach his when she responded, "I'm fine."

Reid stood there, not sure what to do. He couldn't very well challenge her…. could he? _I have literally millions of words at my disposal. Why can't I think of any of them?_

All he could do was ask again. "Are you sure? Because…."

"I'm…..fine."

A little louder, firmer, more impatient. But JJ remembered Reid's persistence when that small town case had reminded her of the aftermath of her sister's death, and she had the sense he was about to exercise it again. Better to head him off by admitting to the behavior change, if not the reason for it. "I'm just tired, I guess."

It was meant to be dismissive, and it worked. She could have been tired for any number of reasons, including 'that time of the month'….and Reid wasn't about to go there with her.

"Oh. Well…..I guess that explains it." Not really believing so. Thinking he would try once more. "Are you too tired to go for some hot chocolate?"

Abruptly, and to her surprise, she felt nauseous. And Reid noticed.

"JJ…..are you sure you feel all right? Because you look a little sick."

She heaved a sigh. "Maybe I _am_ a little under the weather." Knowing that wasn't what was causing the nausea. "I'll just finish these files and call it a day."

"Want me to wait around? Or maybe I can help you with them."

She _really_ just needed to end this conversation. Needed to be alone. So she could ponder having another conversation.

"Thanks, but no thanks. It's only these two, and I'm already in the middle of each of them. Go on home, Spence. It's been a long day for all of us."

He lingered a moment, watching her not make eye contact with him. He kept his gaze on her even as he turned to walk away. "Okay. But if you change your mind…..or if you just want me to bring you some chicken soup, or something…"

She gave him her best, wan smile. "I'll know who to call. Thanks, Spence."

Waiting until she heard the sound of Reid's footsteps fade down the hallway, JJ thrust herself back in her chair and tried to rub some wisdom into her eyes. In retrospect, she'd known. She'd known exactly. How, she couldn't say. But there was something about their lovemaking that one time that had felt different. And, almost since then, she'd felt different. A trip to the pharmacy, and a confirmatory trip to the doctor, had told her why.

_But we were so careful! I guess that's why they say there's nothing that's 100% effective._ Except "shaking his hand and saying goodnight". That's what she'd learned in high school. _Who knew they were right?_

She should call Will. He was, after all, the other half of this equation. And yet, she'd hesitated. All day yesterday. All last night. All day today.

She knew that, in the end, it had to be her decision. Didn't it? But what about Will? Wasn't the being she carried inside of her half him? And wasn't 'it' a 'him' or a 'her'? _Not_ an 'it'?

She'd given thought to what she believed about it. Who could avoid it? It was such an openly controversial issue, seemingly always in the news. She knew what she believed about another woman's right to make the decision. She'd just never really thought about how _she_ would decide if it was her decision to make. Hadn't thought it would happen to her. _She_ was smart enough to take precautions.

So she was surprised at her own reaction. Maybe it was the hormones, maybe something else. She'd made every other decision of her adult life by carefully weighing the pros and cons, using logic, and reason. Being rational. But this time…..all she had to work with was emotion.

Reason tried to present itself to her. The consequences to her work situation, the implications for her relationship with Will. She should have been taking them into account, and making a calm, reasoned decision about whether this was the right thing, or the right time. Yet, every time she tried to connect with reason, emotion washed over her like a tidal wave. It didn't matter what the consequences might be. It only mattered that she carried 'him' or 'her'. And, without wit or purpose, there it was…. she was already in relationship.

Even sensing that the decision had already been made, JJ fought it. _I need to think about the consequences here. What do I know about being a mother? What if I can't manage this and my job, too? How would I take care of us?_

But there it was again…that final word….'us'. That's what always trumped everything else. She already felt like there was an 'us'. There was no amount of reason that could move her beyond it. The decision was already made. In some ways, she felt relieved. In others….. terrified.

Quickly, before she could change her mind, she picked up her phone and hit that certain number on her speed dial.

* * *

He couldn't help but remember that first time. His first trip to New York City. The one where JJ had taken him around, to see the sights. The one where they'd decided to come back together, one day, at Christmas time.

It wasn't Christmas. But it _was_ New York, again. Only this time, JJ was 'taken'. There was no discussion on the plane about seeing more of what the city had to offer after the case was done. It was all business, this time.

The city was under siege, it seemed, by a serial killer who was reminiscent of the Son of Sam in the randomness of his targets. There was something about this case that made it feel bigger, more urgent, than most. Partly because of where it was taking place. But also, it turned out, because it tapped into the ever-present, underlying, fear of terrorism. The fear that New York could once again have found itself a target in a battle that was defined by ideology.

All of them traveled this time. Garcia's technological wizardry was needed to manage the overwhelming wealth of video surveillance information. Reid and Rossi worked the geographic profile. Morgan and Prentiss partnered with NYPD in the streets. JJ was busier than usual, serving as liaison between the NYPD, the New York FBI office, and the BAU team. Hotch was, notably, sharing leadership with an attractive female Brit who was already the subject of resentment within her own FBI office. And was rapidly becoming the subject of resentment from the NYPD…. and one particular member of the BAU.

Reid was on the periphery of the conflict between Morgan and the task force leader. And he made it a point to stay there, sticking close to Hotch and JJ at the precinct. By the end of the day, all of them were worn out from both the internal and external conflicts of the case.

They were on their way back to the hotel when Reid spotted him.

_Will LaMontagne? Here? In New York?_

His brain started running scenarios about why the NOLA detective might have suddenly appeared in NYC. Obviously, JJ had to be involved. But soon Reid realized how naïve he'd been, when he heard how.

"JJ." The tilting of Reid's head pointed JJ's eyes in the direction of the lobby. And Will._  
_

They'd been planning to spend the weekend together, when she'd been called away. But she never expected him to simply follow her. Their relationship was now out in the open… sort of. Most of it still took place in New Orleans, out of sight of her colleagues. Something about its being invisible felt comfortable to JJ, supporting her intense need for privacy. To have Will suddenly insert himself into her work life… to have him show up in the middle of a case….. was unexpected and…. maybe… a little disturbing. But not as disturbing as the fact that he'd apparently decided it was time to share their news with the team.

She hadn't told anyone. Not Hotch, her boss. Not Spence, her best friend. She knew it was inevitable that they know. She would be showing soon. But her relationship with the infant growing inside her was yet another thing about which she craved privacy. So JJ was taken by surprise when Will openly alluded to her pregnancy, forcing her to suddenly, abruptly, and without planning, announce it to her colleagues.

She kept her eyes on Hotch. Partly because his reaction, as her immediate superior, was crucial. But also to keep from having to look at Spence. She knew, without having to be told, that he would be hurt by her secrecy. And, even though her romantic relationship was with someone else, it mattered to her.

The synapses in Spencer Reid's brain were firing at lightning speed. But they couldn't break out of the one circuit. JJ was pregnant. Pregnant. Obviously, that meant….. But…

It was real. The relationship. The pregnancy. The end of the dream. The one he hadn't admitted to dreaming, even to himself. Reid did his best to mask his disappointment, and show only his surprise. He stood in line to hug JJ, woodenly transmitting a sad 'congratulations'.

Hours later, unable to sleep, and needing relief from the unrelenting "JJ's pregnant" loop in his brain, Reid decided to wander the hotel. His final stop was the gift shop, where he hoped to find something to feed his sweet tooth.

"Spence."

The last thing he'd expected to hear. The last thing he was _ready_ to hear. He turned slowly to his left.

"JJ, hi. What are you doing here?"

"Hmph. I was looking for saltines, but it looks like I'm gonna have to settle for about sixteen of these crackers-and-cheese things."

The sleepless time in his hotel room hadn't been entirely unproductive. Reid fell back into a comfortable pattern of information dissemination.

"Do you know why saltines help with morning sickness?"

"Mostly, I'd rather not talk about morning sickness, Spence. It's bad enough having it."

"Oh… .okay. Well….you know, I remember there was a corner store a block or two away. I could run there and see if they have anything."

JJ brightened at the idea of finding exactly what she needed. "Oh, that's a great idea! Except, you don't need to run there, Spence. I can go. I'm not exactly huge yet."

His brain tried to flash on a huge JJ, but Reid couldn't process the image. Instead, he responded to her. "How about we both go?"

She looked at him and gave what seemed her first genuine smile of the day.

"Sounds great."

When they exited the hotel, JJ linked arms with Reid so they wouldn't be separated on the bustling New York street. It felt comfortable, to both of them. But not so comfortable that it didn't take Reid a full half block to start the conversation.

"So…..you're having a baby."

"Yeah. Can you believe it?"

_No. I don't want to._ "How long have you known?"

She was quiet for a moment. "Ever since that case… do you remember? The one where…."

Things coalesced in Reid's mind. _Ahh. Now I understand._ "I remember."

He pondered whether he should ask. Thought better of it, then reversed himself. It was JJ, and he needed to know.

"Are you happy?"

The long silence before she answered told him more than her words ever would. It told him to assess her response for honesty.

"I….wasn't sure, at first. But I am, now. I'm happy."

Honest. He heard it, and was relieved, even if the infant inside her would take her further away from him. The child was now a fact of her life, and he wanted her to be happy. But he'd also heard an undertone.

"But?"

She shook her head. "Not a 'but'. But…"

They both laughed at the contradiction, before she continued. "But I realize it will mean changes. For one, I don't know how I'm going to be able to do my job and take care of a child at the same time."

He wanted to blurt, "I'll help", but he knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Instead, he asked, "What about Will?"

JJ sighed. "Will lives a thousand miles away. And neither of us really wants to leave our job, but…"

"But you'll have to, if you can't work it out." He was unsuccessful in keeping the sadness from his voice.

JJ heard it. "We'll see. Maybe I can come up with a plan. I know I'm going to try as hard as I can."

They were just about at the store. Reid stopped short of the entrance and turned to JJ, still holding her arm in the crook of his. "You know I'll do whatever I can. And, JJ?"

She looked her curiosity at him.

"I'm happy for you. For 'him', really," pointing his gaze at her abdomen, "Or 'her'. I don't know what you're having. But I know that he, or she, will have a great mom."

It couldn't have been, because it was night. But it seemed like the sunshine itself came through her smile.

* * *

The case was bent. It moved in one direction, and then another. And yet another again.

The team was splitting up to conduct another set of interviews. Reid and JJ were headed off to the Port Authority when she was approached by someone carrying a manila envelope. Reid turned and waited as she opened it. He became intent on interpreting the succession of expressions crossing over her face. She looked surprised, and then distressed…. and then surprised all over again. Reid could only surmise that it had to do with her relationship.

"Will?"

She kept her head down, reading the message. "He's leaving. He doesn't want to be in the way."

Reid couldn't remember feeling this torn ever before in his life. For her sake, he wanted things to work. For _his_ sake…..well, he really shouldn't go there. So he actively fought the journey. But he thought she might be upset about Will leaving, and what it might mean.

"You okay?"

And then she pulled an object out from the envelope. A badge.

JJ lifted her eyes from the badge to look at Reid.

"He's quitting his job?" Reid said it for her.

Then JJ did something she'd never done before. She shirked her duty.

"Hotch," she called to the nearby unit chief, "Do you need everyone in the field?"

And, a few minutes later, with permission, she left to find Will.

* * *

Frantic. He was frantic. All they knew was that a black, government-plated SUV had exploded in Manhattan. And, so far, the only members of the team he could account for were Rossi and Garcia. Reid had trouble focusing enough to problem solve until Rossi gave him a specific task. Then he was able to rattle off, in order, the locations of each of the previous attacks. The process settled him a little.

Finally, they heard from Garcia. Emily and Morgan had checked in, but JJ's phone kept going to voice mail, as did Hotch's, raising everyone's concern for both of them. Reid hoped to reassure himself by mentally running the odds against either of them having been in the SUV that had exploded.

_Take the number of SUVs in the city, factor in the preference for black finishes, how many might have government plates…...there's NYPD, the FBI...probably the CIA...civil government..._

Before he could complete his calculation, and before he had time to drive himself completely crazy, JJ rushed into the busy strategic command space. Reid almost melted in relief. He might have had to resign himself to a different kind of caring about her. But he knew he could never resign himself to a place of not caring at all.

What surprised him, in that moment, was the fact that he was now caring for two.

It made absolutely no sense. He had no connection whatsoever with the fact of JJ's pregnancy. In truth, there were aspects of it that frightened him. The changes in her. The changes in her future. The things that could go wrong. All of those things should have made him want to enforce a distance between them. Between him and the child she was carrying. The child with another father.

But he couldn't. Cognitively, Reid knew it shouldn't be, but cognition played no role in his reaction. Without understanding how, or why, he felt connected... invested... in relationship. Not just with JJ, but with her child. He'd only realized it when he saw her run into the station house and his first, unwitting, reaction was..._thank God, they're both __okay!  
_

None of them could know, then. Not Reid, not JJ, and not the child within... the strength of the bonds forming among the triad. And how those bonds would be tested. And how tenaciously they would hold.


	21. Chapter 21

**Prelude**

**Chapter 21**

"Morgan!" It wasn't as easy to be fleet on her feet anymore, but JJ still managed to cover ground in the bullpen quickly. She aimed the remote at a screen on the wall, bringing up an image that had just sent her heart pounding.

The senior profiler reacted in much the same way, letting out a pained bellow. "Hotch!"

Their colleagues were in trouble. Emily and Reid were conducting a semi-undercover investigation at a cult compound. There had been allegations of child sexual abuse, and they'd joined a state child welfare worker in entering the compound. While open about their role in investigating, they'd thought it wise not to mention their FBI employment.

Now, without warning, the entire thing had gone to hell. Neither of their colleagues had taken either their cell phones or their IDs inside the compound, anticipating a body search. Consequently, the first communication reaching the BAU had actually come from the news media. A police raid-obviously not coordinated with the feds-was underway. There was a hail of gunfire, and reports that a 'government worker' had been injured, possibly killed.

No matter the results of the child abuse allegation, this was now a federal case. And the rest of the BAU was on its way.

* * *

JJ had never seen him like this. Hotch could be firm, he could be angry….but she'd never seen him this righteously commanding before. He literally ordered a government official away from 'his' crime scene, barely checking his ire over what the man's actions might have cost the BAU agents. No smoothing things over, no consulting with the higher-ups.

In another circumstance, it might have sounded like one alpha male calling out another. But Hotch had clearly already moved beyond that. He was brooking no argument. There was no fight to be had. Hotch was simply stepping over the government wonk as though her was a body to be brushed out of the way on the road to the larger battle.

JJ had never seen _any_ of them this way. _She_ had never felt this way. Not even when Reid was held hostage. That had been a position of helplessness. Here, they were in the business of strategy. With Hankel, they could only be reactive. This time, they could take the lead, run the show. But they had to be wise about it. They couldn't let the cult leader realize when he was being managed.

Rossi had been intimidated at the task he'd been handed. _Rossi! _ JJ's confidence wavered when she saw the man's reaction. He was too emotionally connected to Prentiss and Reid, he'd said. Making her wonder about her own ability to perform her necessary functions. 

_If Rossi thinks he's too close to it….what about me? It's Emily. And…oh, God, not again….Spence!_

But Hotch proved to be expert at rallying his troops. He assured each of them that no one was better at their particular job. That's why it was necessary for them to do the work, no matter how close. No matter how high the stakes. It was precisely in this type of situation that the FBI needed its best. And that 'best' was the BAU team.

Given that she still didn't know who'd been hurt, and how badly, it didn't do much to calm her. But it did serve to focus her energies. The situation was the stuff media careers were made on. A cult compound. Children and families at risk. Government agents involved in secret undercover operations. JJ could almost see the headlines even as she developed a strategy for managing the people creating them.

_I may not be able to storm the compound. I may not be able to get in there and pull them out. But I can damn well make sure nobody out here makes it any worse for them._

Such was her determination. But one member of the media did get away from her, slipping from the media tent without her seeing. And he did make it worse for them. Much, much worse. Completely unaware of the field reporter, JJ was shocked when Garcia linked her to a news report revealing that there was at least one undercover FBI agent in the compound.

Hotch was still worked up enough to look angrily at JJ when he heard. She could only shake her head and look away, fearful for what the cult leader might do to her friends in retaliation. 

_Emily. Spence. I'm so sorry. So sorry._

Between the pregnancy hormones, and her sorrow at what might be happening because of her slip, JJ wanted to cry. But she didn't. She owed it to them.

* * *

He would never understand his silence. Never. He would go to his grave not knowing why he didn't speak up when Cyrus demanded to know which of them was the FBI agent.

But Emily had been quicker, more experienced. She _looked_ more experienced. She knew that, if one of them claimed the FBI role, they might be able to convince Cyrus that the other was the dupe. And....not that she would ever say it aloud to him….. but Reid didn't _look_ like an FBI agent. She honestly didn't think Cyrus would have believed him if the young man had claimed to be one.

_It has to be me_.

She tried not to process the look of shock and consternation on Reid's face when she admitted it. At the same time, she tried to convey the message to him. 

_Don't tell them about you. Let it be me. Go along with it._

He saw the look. But he barely knew what to do with it. He was too busy berating himself for not stepping up, and claiming the role. Because he could also see the look on Cyrus' face. The cult leader was infuriated, and all traces of rationality were rapidly falling away. Emily was in danger. 

_And I did nothing to stop it._

No matter how guilt-ridden, he was still too intelligent to ruin the ploy. Emily was clearly trying to get Cyrus to think there was only one FBI agent among them. Reid had to play along. Now that she'd been culled away, their only chance stood with him ingratiating himself to the cult leader and his henchmen.

* * *

In the field command tent, JJ pushed aside her own guilt, intent on minimizing the damage done. She'd found the leak and plugged it. No further information would be getting out, unless the BAU team wanted it out.

Her spirits lifted tremendously when Rossi made contact with Cyrus, and they learned that their two colleagues were still alive. The senior agent had finally agreed to act as the hostage negotiator. He understood, along with Hotch, that, with Reid and Prentiss essentially working the case from the inside, the field team needed someone who could get inside their colleague's heads as well as that of the maniacal cult leader.

It brought much needed comfort to JJ, the idea of Emily and Spence working the case, rather than the vision of them as helpless hostages. It defused some of the emotion, thinking of them having some element of control over their plight. JJ had complete faith in Reid's genius and trusted that he would be able to engage Cyrus. She already knew how expertly facile Spence was with scripture, from the time when he'd used it to save himself. She'd wondered, but never asked, how he'd become so familiar with it, growing up in a household reportedly so devoid of faith. Now, no matter how he'd come by it, she prayed it would serve him well a second time. Prayed it would serve both of her friends well.

* * *

A few hours later, a plan was coming together. But it relied upon being able to communicate with their colleagues inside. Parabolic listening devices had been set up surrounding the compound, in the hope of picking up conversations from within….or, even, hopefully, a purposeful outgoing message from one of the FBI agents. It wasn't long before they picked up the voice of Emily Prentiss, repeating, over and over and over again, the same message. She could help get the innocents out. But she needed to know what time they would come.

It seemed to go on for hours, Emily repeating the same words, in the same calm tone of voice. JJ, listening in, marveled. That Emily was smart enough to know how to communicate via the parabolic microphones, that she was trusting enough to believe they were listening, that she was patient enough to repeat the message continuously. And then, when Morgan made laser beam contact with Emily, and Emily understood its meaning ….JJ's respect for her female colleague elevated to the stratosphere.

Now, the plan was coming to fruition. Which meant they were entering the time of greatest danger. JJ launched a series of prayers for success as she watched from the monitors in the tent. Troops were deployed to the camp, coming in via the underground tunnel, Morgan among them. Soon, there was a volley of gunfire and then some louder explosions. Chaos reigned supreme as the compound was, apparently, being attacked from both within and without. Cyrus seemed to have a suicidal bent, and was trying to take down as many LEOs as possible along with him.

As the raid progressed, and cult members started evacuating, Hotch and Rossi headed for the scene as well. JJ desperately wanted to be there. Wanted to be a part of it. Wanted to see for herself that her colleagues were safe, and whole. But reason proscribed it. She was into her third trimester, and not moving as quickly as she once had. No one wanted to point it out, but she also made a bigger target than before. And her every decision now had to be made for two. She couldn't risk the child she carried. So she had to be content with watching from a distance, through the monitor feeds from the many surveillance cameras now trained on the scene.

It was hard to make out. The figures were small, there was dense smoke, and everything was thrown into silhouette by the flames from the building. JJ stared at the monitor that held the image of the exit where most of the evacuees seemed to be emerging. And then….she couldn't be sure, but…it moved like her. Like Emily. There was long, dark hair. When the figure moved again, now starting to run back toward the building, she was sure. Only Emily would race fiercely back into battle like that. JJ began to shout at the screen. "Emily!" Joyful for seeing her. And then,"Emily! No!" Terrified of her running back into danger.

But then, a few seconds later, she saw why. Another figure emerged, bearing Morgan's unmistakable muscular outline. Stumbling, seemingly dragging something behind him. Before she had a chance to process the frightening thought of what…or whom….Morgan might be pulling, the answer showed itself. The thin, bent figure of…_Spence!_ He looked like he was having trouble moving, maybe hurt in his midsection. But then she saw him straighten himself, when Emily walked up to him. She watched as the two put their arms around one another, the relief and exhaustion apparent.

JJ wrapped her arms around herself, needing to express her own relief and gratitude. And then realized that she was also embracing her unborn baby_. _Understanding that, although she wasn't with the others, she wasn't really alone, either.

* * *

Reading wasn't coming easily to the young genius as the plane made its way back to Quantico. His eyes had scanned the same three pages at least four times now, his mind not able to retain any of the information held within. But he kept his eyes trained on the book anyway, as he sensed someone take the seat across from him. When he chanced an upward gaze, he saw that it was Emily. A beat up, battered and bruised, Emily.

He tried to cover with a brief smile, but knew right away that he'd failed in hiding how he really felt. He'd apologized to her while they were still captive in the compound. Begged her forgiveness when he'd emerged from the smoke and flame and fallen into her open arms. And she'd told him it wasn't his fault. Not to carry the burden.

But now, sitting across from him, she could see that he was still heavy laden. Emily reached out and pushed the book gently to the table in front of him, grasping his hands in the process. She made sure she had his eyes before she spoke. And then she assured him again that he hadn't been at fault. That it had been her choice. He broke his gaze away before she was finished. But he didn't argue with her. She would have to settle for that.

At the far end of the plane, JJ watched the scene unfold. She hadn't had any time alone with either of them since the siege. They'd both been with medics right up until boarding time and then Hotch had asked JJ to smooth over some of the residual conflict with the media. Now, she wanted to tell them how grateful she was to have them back with the team. How grateful she was for their lives.

Emily rose as she saw JJ making her way down the aisle. The blonde liaison completed the journey and grasped her good friend tightly.

"I just had to tell you how glad I am to have you back in one piece. And how sorry I am. I should have had all the press corralled up, but I missed one of them. It was his report that tipped off Cyrus. If I'd caught him, you'd never have been hurt, and I'm so sorry, Em…."

Emily released herself from JJ's embrace and looked back and forth between her two youngest colleagues.

"Sheesh, what is it with you two? _Cyrus_ did this, okay? _Cyrus_. And besides, if I hadn't been left alone in that room, we wouldn't have been able to communicate. We wouldn't have been able to make the plan for evacuation. We _needed_ to be separated, Reid and I. It was the only way we could strategize."

Listening to her, Reid recognized the truth of what she was saying. But he promised himself that, next time…..if, God forbid, there _was_ a next time….he would find a way to separate that didn't require one of them to sustain bodily harm.

JJ was still taking in what Emily had said. "Well…maybe….but….well, I'm still glad to have you back in one piece. Both of you."

"Me too." Reid had been closest to the bomb when it went off. He was trying to sound comical, but the truth of his statement came through.

"You!" JJ shoved his shoulder. "I heard that Cyrus offered to let you leave, and you volunteered to stay. To 'tell his story', wasn't it?" She too, tried to make it sound light. But she'd been upset and frightened when she'd first heard he'd turned down his chance at safety.

"Well, like Emily said, we had to be there to accomplish the plan."

The plan they hadn't had. The one they'd had to piece together. Reid may have wanted them to think he'd made a strategic decision. But all three of them knew that it was his guilt over Emily that had kept him in the compound. He simply couldn't have left while she was still there.

Emily made her way around JJ and into the aisle. "Sit. I need to go buy Morgan a drink from the fridge for thinking about that laser trick." And she headed for the galley.

JJ plopped herself into the seat, all too aware that it was the only thing she was able to do these days….plop. The movement resulted in a little twinge that made her rub her abdomen.

Reid's brows narrowed in consternation. "You all right? Are you having contractions?" Getting himself a little riled. "JJ, are you in labor?"

She shushed him, not wanting to draw the attention of the others. "Calm down, Spence. No, I'm not in labor. It's just the baby doesn't like it when I sit."

As soon as the words were out, she regretted them, knowing what would ensue. Reid had made himself expert in all things to do with pregnancy, and had taken to expounding on them with only the slightest provocation. Which he now proceeded to do. Especially with this particular opening, which wed his love of physics to the topic of gestation.

"That's probably because the act of sitting creates a fluid wave within the amniotic sac. He's been floating in there nice and comfortably, not even noticing that he's floating, and then…pow!...he's overtaken by a virtual tsunami of wave motion as soon as your….well….as soon as you hit the seat. It makes him aware that he's in a sea of liquid. And, since all mammalian creatures have a primitive swim reflex, he's programmed to start moving his limbs as soon as he senses he's in water."

"Are you saying I create a tsunami every time I sit down?"

He picked up on a certain annoyance in her tone, and realized too late that she was sensitive about her size.

"No, not at all." Adding, under his breath, "Just a couple of breakers."

"Spence!" Apparently not 'under his breath'.

"I'm only teasing, JJ. You are still as beautiful as ever." Even now, after so much had relaxed between them, amazed that he was able to say it. Because she was. _Beautiful._

Appeased, JJ made an observation. "You have me saying it now."

He didn't understand. "I have you saying what?"

"He. You keep calling the baby 'he', and now you have me saying it as well." She and Will had both declined knowing the baby's sex before the delivery. "Do you sense something?"

He shook his head. "It's just more efficient than saying 'he or she' all the time. Although….."

"Although what?"

He smiled at her. "I can picture you running around with a little blonde soccer player in a few years. But, somehow, that picture only comes to me with a 'he'."

She'd dreamt exactly that, once. Amazed that Spence had experienced the same image, JJ smiled back. "Well, you know, I was once a little blonde soccer player. You never know, he could be a mini-me."

Reid laughed. "You just said it again. 'He'."

JJ sat deeper into the seat and rubbed the place where 'he or she' resided. "Well, whatever he is…or she….I can't wait to meet them."

Reid's smile was wistful this time. "Me too."


	22. Chapter 22

**Prelude**

**Chapter 22**

_You need to get a grip. She might go into labor just to get it over with, and shut you up._

Reid knew he was being annoying. But he couldn't help it. He'd read obsessively on pregnancy, and entertained JJ with interesting tidbits here and there.

_Mostly here. And there. And everywhere. Maybe she doesn't find it entertaining. She has thrown me a couple of those 'looks' lately._ _Maybe I'm overdoing it. Why not? I overdo everything else._

Now that JJ was coming to term, Reid's research had shifted to everything to do with labor and delivery. _Everything._ How to know when it was time. How it was done. What could go wrong. _What could go wrong! _Reid found the perils of delivering a healthy baby every bit as intimidating as facing a serial killer.

He was wise enough not to share this part of his new knowledge base with JJ. No need to frighten her. He was frightened enough for both of them. Without a word to anyone, Reid assumed the burden of making sure JJ would be covered if she went into labor or, God forbid, delivered, in the field. He would be ready. Even if it killed him. Which it just might.

He barely spoke as the jet transported them to the west coast. JJ was very near her due date, and now they were traveling three thousand miles away from her obstetrician! 

_T_ _his isn't funny!_

Reid was grateful for every single IQ point that allowed him to remain functional even as he stayed glued to JJ's side. He tried, unsuccessfully, to hide his anxiety from her. But she knew him too well, and found herself looking for ways to distract him, and calm him down.

This afternoon, they were reviewing files together in a small conference room, JJ's swollen feet up on the table, a pillow supporting her lower back. She'd been surprised that Reid managed to find one of these little lumbar pillows in every case location…..until she noticed the new shape of his messenger bag. JJ was touched that he'd noticed her discomfort, and thought to alleviate it…especially since it hadn't even occurred to her to bring along her own pillow.

When her little guy made his presence known, JJ rubbed her abdomen, prompting Reid to explain how and why babies move about in the womb. Whereupon JJ thought to share with him an experience she'd only shared with Will….and a few less-than-shy girlfriends.

"Have you ever felt a baby kick?" Thinking he would find it 'fascinating'.

When Reid shook his head, JJ leaned across and took his hand, placing it on her very protuberant belly. It felt….intimate….his long fingers lying across her abdomen, covered by her own, much smaller hand. Then they both felt it at once-a kick. A good, strong one. One that seemed to say, "Hello!"

Reid pulled his hand back, ostensibly shocked at the sensation. But it wasn't that, really. He'd felt it as well. The intimacy. His hand, lying under JJ's and against her body, making contact with her baby. And the baby making contact with them. It was the kind of human experience that had largely escaped him so far in his life. The kind that was had by others, but not by Spencer Reid. He felt overcome by it.

But it wouldn't do to show that reaction. Instead, he drew his hand quickly away and made the 'expected' comment.

"Doesn't that freak you out?"

She was partly amused, and partly disappointed. It had been a special sharing, and she'd hoped he felt it too.

"No. Does it freak you out?"

"Very much so."

Their conversation was effectively ended when they were interrupted by a phone call from Garcia. But later, ostensibly working on another task, Reid watched JJ through a window separating the rooms they were in. He stared….and he wondered. He was long past the point of wishing or hoping any longer. She was with Will, and Reid was happy for her new life. But he couldn't help but wonder, as he watched her, and remembered what it felt like to touch her, and her baby.

_What if that had been my life?_

* * *

He'd been so relieved when the west coast case ended and JJ was safely back in DC, near her doctor. But now they were called out again, to …..of all places…..his home town of Las Vegas. Not quite all the way across the country, but it may as well have been. His anxiety skyrocketed.

_Maybe I'm just exhausted._

He'd had even less sleep than usual lately, plagued by a recurrent nightmare.

Nightmares weren't all that unusual in his business. He'd learned that a few years ago when he'd tried to hide the fact that he'd begun suffering them. Morgan had pulled it out of him, and then even ratted him out to Hotch and Gideon. Which was how he'd learned that they _all_ had them.

But this particular one was unusual. It seemed …..familiar, somehow. Like he'd dreamt it before. Or something like it. And then, when his exhaustion took its toll and he fell asleep on the plane, he wasn't all that surprised when JJ's baby appeared in the dream. But he was left with residual tension when his colleagues' voices summoned him out of the nightmare before he'd had a chance to save the baby.

Blinking himself awake, Reid explained that JJ's baby had been at a crime scene, and he was trying to get it away. Admitting only to herself that she was a little unnerved, JJ made light of it. But she was touched that Spence had been thinking of her unborn child, even in his subconscious.

It was a dreadful case. One young boy, dead. Another, missing. With motherhood in her very near future, JJ formed a closer than usual bond with the mother of the missing boy. Already so attached to the baby she'd not yet met, JJ could only imagine the void that might be left in her life if he were suddenly torn from her. Although she did her best to remain professional, for JJ this was one of the most emotionally-wrenching cases of her career.

_I know why it's doing this to me. But why is it doing it to Spence?_

She'd heard. Morgan had told Hotch about Reid's nightmare. The one that had taken place in the home of the missing child. The one that had him calling out so loudly that he'd wakened, and frightened, that missing boy's parents. She'd tried to get some time alone with Reid, but the case was so fluid that they were all constantly pulled in different directions.

And then, just when it seemed they'd arrived too late, when it looked like their mentally ill female unsub had killed the child.…joy! That was the only word for it. The missing boy was found, and reunited with his parents. JJ was at the scene as they watched Reid emerge with the child in his arms. She noticed, even if the others did not, how tightly her friend clasped the child, how relieved he looked at the save. And even though she never got to talk with him about it, she knew it was tied up with his nightmare.

JJ realized how pressured Reid was feeling about all of it when he did something completely out of character. He asked for a favor. A big one. He asked that the team stay over an extra night, so he could spend time with his mother.

It was a costly favor to ask. It would require housing the jet, and the rest of the team, an additional night in Las Vegas. And it would mean an additional night away from her ob/gyn for JJ. That fact alone told her how distracted Reid was. For each of the last three away cases, he'd been the one organizing them all to get to the airport early, mostly to return her to DC as soon as possible.

She didn't mind. The little one had been quiet all last night and all day today. He wasn't acting like he was in a hurry to come out. And besides, she still had three weeks to her due date. So JJ was happy to stay in Vegas, if it would mean helping Spence to deal with whatever he was trying to deal with.

Hotch knew he'd be grilled about it by Erin Strauss. He was, after all, charged with managing expenses for his unit. But, he reasoned, having his team genius off his game was costly in its own right. He would approve the extra night in Vegas, hoping it would help Reid settle whatever was weighing so heavily on his mind.

* * *

He wanted them to leave without him. That's what he said.

"I just want to spend a little more time with my mom."

Foolishly, he'd said it to a group of profilers. Not a single one of them believed him, but none would say so. Instead, they each said goodbye, and wished him a good visit. Including JJ.

But she couldn't leave him like that. She knew he was troubled, even if he hadn't chosen….or had the chance….to share it with her. As she started to step away, she stopped herself, and turned back to him.

"Take care of yourself, okay?" _Because I'm worried about you. And there's no time for hot chocolate._

"Thanks. You too…both of you." He tried to make light of it. It had occurred to him, just this morning, how obsessed he'd become about the dream, and the case he'd come to think it represented. And especially by the twist the dream had taken last night.

He'd been so consumed that he hadn't even looked out for JJ last night. Hadn't made sure she knew how to call for help if she needed it, hadn't cautioned her to keep her cell phone on her person at all times, 'just in case'. He' d left her to her own devices. He knew their colleagues would look out for her. But he would have felt better if he'd thought to _ask_ Morgan to do it, or Emily.

Now, he was relieved that she would be heading back to DC. It had already been decided that this would be the last case she would travel for until after she returned from maternity leave. Reid took some comfort in that.

* * *

Will arrived just as she was wheeled into Labor and Delivery.

"Cher!" He grabbed her hand and walked along side her as the aide brought her into the room. "Is it comin'? Is the baby comin'?"

She winced as another wave of contraction spread across her middle.

"Soon, I think. I hope."

But it wasn't soon. Fifteen hours later, drenched in sweat, exhausted from pushing, JJ made one final heave and then heard…"Waaaaaa!"

She fell back against the mattress, too tired to even open her eyes.

"Cher! He's here! It's a boy!"

"Mm-hmm." She smiled, but her eyelids were too heavy to move.

"Here's your baby, Mama." JJ felt a heaviness across her chest as the nurse laid something there. And then she heard the bundle announce itself. "Waaaaaa!"

Her eyes popped open and there…there, lying right on her chest…was the brand new person in her life. She stared at him, thinking….

_Who are you? We're just meeting…..well, not really….and I already know you'll be in my life forever. But who are you? What are you like? Who are you like? Do you like me?_

It was so strange. And yet wonderful, and exciting….and mysterious. To have been in relationship with this small human being, even before they'd known each other. And to know that relationship would be permanent.

_This is commitment. To know, at the outset, that you'll have to make it work. So you do. Because you love._

Understanding, maybe for the first time, 'love' as a verb….an action, not an emotion. And yet completely, entirely, forever….in love.

* * *

He'd never known he could have so many emotions, let alone have them at the same time. Resentment. Fear. Outrage. Hope. Remorse. Respect, for what his parent had sacrificed for his sake. Forgiveness, for her role in what had happened. Disappointment, in the other parent….for being who he was, for his inability to be more. Exhaustion….both emotional, and physical.

Reid had learned that his nightmares were residua from an event that had occurred in his early childhood. The murder of a young boy. His subconscious mind had deluded him into thinking his father was responsible. But it was his mother who'd figured out who had killed the child, and witnessed the retaliatory murder of the perpetrator. Both parents had kept the secret all these years, although Diana had kept hers unwittingly, the victim of a conspiring mind.

William Reid's intrusion into his son's adult life was unintentional. He might never have sought contact with Spencer if not for his son's investigation of this cold case. And, guilty or not, Spencer resented him for the knowledge. He resented his father for not caring enough to reach out to his son.

The man's excuse of weakness no longer held weight. It required no particular strength to claim paternal pride over having a son who was a successful FBI agent. A genius, to boot. No matter that the man had followed his son's career from afar, through the impersonality of electronic 'connection'. He'd not reached out to Reid. Not cared enough to get to know his son in person.

Reid's remorse over incorrectly accusing his father of murder mingled with his anger over the man's ineffective attempts at personhood. That's how he thought of William Reid. As a non-person. An entity with a serendiptous connection to his life. But not someone who mattered. He'd chosen otherwise, and Reid would grant him his choice.

Such were the thoughts that kept him awake as he flew back east with Morgan and Rossi. The other two men sensed Reid's need to be alone with those thoughts. They rode together in silence.

* * *

It was late. Both Rossi and Morgan had chosen to get some rest at home, and visit JJ in the morning. But Reid knew he had to see her. He could feel it. Viscerally. He needed JJ. And the baby.

It was a boy. She'd had a boy. Reid had been aware enough to grill Garcia on it.

"She's okay? Is she okay, Garcia? Fifteen hours is a pretty long labor. She must be exhausted."

"She's fine, my sweet, gentle, genius. And little Henry is fine, too."

"Henry?"

"Henry...the baby. That's what they named him."

Silence. Then…."Henry. I think it means 'Home Ruler'. Henry. That's who he is. That's who he's been all along. _Henry_."

He was thinking aloud. He'd felt in relationship with the child as well. It was good to be able to give him a name.

Garcia had a message from him. "Jayje says to come by anytime . She knows you're probably exhausted after…..well, you know. So it's okay if it's tomorrow."

But it wouldn't be. He couldn't wait. Couldn't wait to see her. Or him. To assure himself that she was all right. After all, he'd read about too much that could go wrong. He needed to see for himself.

And he needed to meet Henry. Henry_. _

_Home Ruler. Henry._

* * *

"Hey. Is there room for one more here?"

She lit up when she saw him in the doorway.

"How is it that I just went through fifteen hours of labor, and you look worse than I do?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You look beautiful."

It was the first time he'd said it aloud in front of others. The first time he'd said it aloud, period_._ And he meant it. Because she did. She was swollen, pale, exhausted….and radiant. _Beautiful._

Reid entered the room and stood next to his unit chief, who took stock of his youngest. Who looked spent. Vulnerable. Defenseless. Aaron Hotchner was grateful his team would be standing down for a few days. Without their liaison, and with their resident genius battered out of commission, they couldn't afford to be in the field.

At a look from JJ, Will took it upon himself to empty the room. Coffee, on the house, for all. As he passed Reid, the two men shook hands, Reid offering Will his congratulations. And then, before he knew it, Reid was alone with JJ. Well, not entirely alone.

"Are you okay?"

"You just went through fifteen hours of labor and you're asking me if I'm okay?"

She smiled. "You know what I mean. I didn't hear about all of it, but I heard enough. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

_Desperately._ But it wasn't the time. "Maybe some day. Right now I just want to make sure my best friend is okay. She just had a baby, you know."

She smiled again. "Spence…..there's something I wanted to ask you, if you're up to it."

"Of course." What could she possibly have to ask him that he would need to be 'up to'?

"Well, Will and I were talking…"

'Talking' was a word. 'Arguing' was another. When JJ had brought it up, Will had been flabbergasted.

"What? You want Spencer to be what? JJ, a godfather is someone who will take care of a child if the parents aren't able to. Or someone who will look after their connection to God. How can you think Spencer could do either?" He'd been thinking of asking one of his cousins.

The idea had come to her weeks ago, right after Spence had gone on about yet another crucial point in raising a child. As he explained how important it was to read to the baby. "Even if it's just picture books. The words, and your voice…the human contact…they're all crucial, JJ."

He was so invested in her pregnancy. In her child. Maybe not more so than Will. But definitely more _openly_ than Will, who seemed to think it might be unmanly. Reid was excited, and enthusiastic, and caring, and…._committed._ He was committed that this child should have the life that so many others were denied.

None of it was lost on JJ. She'd begun to think of asking her best friend, trusting that her child would be in loving hands, should her own be denied him. And, with Garcia to balance things, she knew her child would have no shortage of fun in his life.

The case in Vegas cemented the idea. She saw Reid run from the house holding the missing little boy in his arms. Not the least bit awkward in his stance. Just protective, and gentle. What she wanted for her baby.

They didn't exactly have an argument about it. But Will wasn't exactly pleased, either. To his way of thinking, it was a role for 'family'. JJ agreed. She just disagreed on what constituted 'family'

"Well….Will and I were talking….." Not 'agreeing', but 'talking'. "….and….well….we want you to be Henry's godfather."

She watched him as she spoke. He was completely flustered.

"I…I don't even….I don't know….…."

She smiled her assurance at him, as she extended her hands, holding the precious bundle.

"Here, do you want to hold him?"

It was an awkward exchange. Neither of them were very good at it. But Reid's large hands formed the perfect cradle for the infant, who slept in peaceful comfort in his godfather's care.

"Hello, Henry."

Reid felt the same way JJ had. He and the newborn had 'met' before, through JJ's abdominal wall. But he was now encountering, for the first time, a being who he knew would be in his life forever. None of them could know, that day, how significant a part of each others' lives they would become. But they did know their commitment, and love, one for another.

Reid continued to whisper to the sleeping Henry, much to the delight of JJ, promising, in a humorous way, to look after him forever.

But then Reid suddenly stopped talking and, chancing a look at JJ, choked back a sob. The 20,000-word-a-minute genius had run out of words. He could only look his gratitude, and his love, at JJ, the partner of another man, and Henry, the son of another father. It didn't matter who they 'belonged' to. He knew, from his own experience, that fatherhood wasn't defined by biology.

They were in his life, and he loved them. He would love them forever.


	23. Chapter 23

**Prelude**

**Chapter 23**

It hadn't even occurred to him. Reid had been so focused on making certain JJ and her baby would be safe…..and then distracted by his own family issues…..that it hadn't occurred to him what would happen afterward. That JJ would be gone, would be home, taking care of her infant. Not working cases with them. Not listening to his rambles and trying to look interested. But home, consumed with only one thing...the newest object of her affection...Henry.

Spencer Reid had never been in love before. He'd idly wondered what it might be like. And then, once upon a time, he'd even wondered what it might be like to be in love with JJ. Wondered if it was beginning to happen. He'd spent a long time considering it intellectually, analyzing the emotions he felt, measuring them against what he'd learned of romantic love from the stories and poetry read to him by his mother. He'd even begun positing what the things JJ said and did might mean about her own emotions.

For a time, he'd thought it a possibility. But then, while his back was turned, and his life turned upside down by unwelcome addiction, things seemed to change. The signs he'd seen in JJ were gone…different…altered. It made him question his own feelings, and whether he'd misinterpreted. Maybe he just loved her. Maybe he had never been _in_ love.

But now…..now he knew what falling in love was like. Because he'd done it. He'd fallen in love with the newest person in his life. Just over a foot and a half long. Seven pounds of human being. Reid might have missed JJ as a daily figure in his life, but the person who consumed most of his waking thoughts was Henry. He'd been charged with caring for the little one, and he became devoted to the task.

It wasn't like before. He'd had charge of his mother as well. But that had been a mutual dependence, and one born of necessity. William Reid hadn't charged his wife or his son with anything, let alone the care of one another. Even that small act would have been an assumption of responsibility. Instead, he simply left, and they simply scrambled for survival.

But now, one of the people he cared about most in the world had asked Reid to look after the person _she_ cared about most in the world. He felt the weight of responsibility, and the elation of having earned such high esteem.

Reid was excited at the possibilities, and consumed in thinking about how he would introduce Henry to all of the things his godfather found fascinating….which was, pretty much, everything. Sometimes he got so caught up in it that he would forget his actual role. Godfather. Not father. And then his plans would whittle down. The boy had a father. _That's_ who would join JJ in introducing Henry to the world. Not his godfather.

Will had been polite about it. He'd accepted Reid's congratulations on fatherhood, and confirmed Reid as Henry's godfather. It was only much later that Reid realized it had been just that...a confirmation, and not an affirmation.

"I hear you've accepted JJ's offer for you to be Henry's godfather." _JJ's_ offer. And just acknowledging it, not reiterating it. But Reid hadn't noticed at the time.

"It's an honor, Will. I'll do my best to live up to it."

Will made a joke of it. "Let's hope you don't have to."

Implying that Reid's role would come about only through the loss of JJ and Will. Implying that Reid would have no other role in Henry's life. But Reid hadn't noticed that, either. His profiler antennae weren't up for his interactions with Henry's father.

So he was taken by surprise when Garcia recounted a conversation with JJ at Henry's christening.

JJ's parents were there, Charles and Sandy Jareau. And all of the BAU were there. But there was no one from the LaMontagne family. Reid knew they were all centered in the New Orleans area. Maybe it was just too great a distance to travel. But he also remembered how much stock Will seemed to put into family ties. That there should be no family member present at his son's christening seemed inconsistent.

Penelope Garcia noticed it too. "Why don't we have any of that humongous LaMontagne clan here, Will? Aren't they like half the population of New Orleans?"

He shrugged it off. "A christening doesn't seem to be much of a family thing around here now, does it?" Since neither of Henry's godparents were, technically, 'family'.

He hadn't said it sharply, but Garcia felt just a bit stung nonetheless. It was the first real indication to her that there might have been disagreement in choosing Henry's godparents. She made a point of seeking out her girlfriend before the ceremony.

"Jayje? Whose idea was it for me to be Henry's godmother?"

JJ was busy nursing a hungry Henry while she prepared his christening outfit with her free hand.

"What?"

"Was it just your idea to ask Reid and me? Or both of you?"

JJ was too distracted to pick up on the subtext. "Well…I thought of it, of course. You're my friends, after all. But Will agreed. Why?"

Garcia suddenly wasn't so sure that Will _had_ agreed. Maybe he'd just conceded. But it wasn't the time to create a scene about it. Besides, what were the odds they'd ever have to actually serve the roles beyond spoiling their godson to death? And, above all else, she had fallen in love with little Henry LaMontagne herself. She wasn't about to let him go.

"Nothing. Never mind. What can I do to help?"

* * *

As much as he envied the man's lot in life, Reid did not envy Will LaMontagne this afternoon. The man in JJ's life was under close scrutiny from Charles Jareau. The older man had been pleasant enough with Reid, shaking his hand and wishing him well. But he was now engaged in what looked like an intense conversation with Will, who occasionally nodded and seemed to mouth 'yes, sir'.

Watching the interaction, Reid was caught unaware when he was approached by Sandy Jareau. He felt a soft hand on his arm, and turned to look at an older version of JJ.

"You are Spencer, right?"

"Right. Hello, Mrs. Jareau." He'd seen her come in, embrace her daughter and grandson, and then disappear somewhere with them.

"No need to be so formal, Spencer! There's no formality with my grandson's godfather!" And she drew him into a hug, which he awkwardly returned. "Jennifer has told us so much about you."

"She has?" Despite their friendship, Reid was surprised at the thought that JJ might talk about him to anyone but their colleagues. But, he realized, he shouldn't have been. Hadn't he included countless references to JJ in his letters to his mother?

"Well, of course she has. She's told us what a good friend you are to her. And how she hoped Henry would learn so much from you. Her father and I are very glad you agreed to be his godfather."

For some reason, he felt comfortable with Sandy. She was…approachable. So he asked.

"I wondered if you might rather have had someone from the family."

She shook her head. "Not that we would have minded. But I think it's important for godparents to be present, you know? To be active in their godchild's life. How else can you guide him? And it would have been very difficult for that to happen with our family. We're all so far away. Will's family, too."

That appeased his concern. It made sense. And it felt a little bit like a blessing.

"I guess you're right. And I already love Henry. He's…..well, he's amazing. I can't wait to find out what he thinks about things, and _how_ he thinks, and what he wants to learn about. I can't wait to show him things, and…"

Sandy laughed. "I can see my Jennifer chose well. And I think that, between you and Penelope ….who seems like every child's dream fairy godmother….I think my grandson is in very good hands."

* * *

The actual ceremony was brief, but filled with ritual. Water, oil, flame, promises. Once upon a time, Reid literally couldn't have stood there and proclaimed belief, let alone promise to foster it in his godson. But it was the one positive residual from his time in the shack. It might have been rudimentary, but he couldn't deny it was there. He just hoped it would become more a part of his own life, if he was supposed to share it.

Reid found the ritualized experience more fascinating than moving. What moved him was the bundle in his arms. He and Garcia took turns holding Henry throughout the christening, soothing him, stilling him, oozing love at him. JJ, watching, smiled at how natural Spence had become with her son.

_Henry, the Conqueror. It appears the 'Reid Effect' has been defeated._

When it was over, and they were back at the LaMontagne home, JJ managed a moment alone with the new godfather.

"Well, I guess it's official now. You're part of the family."

He smiled. "That would be an honor, JJ. Your mom was so nice to me, earlier."

"I saw you two talking. What was it about?"

"I was just asking if she would rather have had a family member be responsible for Henry. And she told me that it was more important that his godfather be someone who could be more present to him. It made sense, the way she said it."

"Well, she's right. That's what I told Will, too." Too late, she realized the gaffe. Before she could come up with something to distract him, Reid caught it.

"Will wanted someone from his family, didn't he?" It was more of a statement than a question.

She sighed. "He did, at first. For him, family is everything."

It was one of the things that had drawn her to him, his connection with family...and especially with his father. But that connection was also the thing that made it hard for Will to stay in DC. He'd already begun to drop hints that he'd like Henry to be raised near family.

JJ kept that information to herself as she continued.

"But I wanted Henry's godfather to be someone he could really know, and who could be an influence in his life. If we'd asked one of Will's family, that couldn't happen. It would just have been more of a title, or an honor, than a responsibility. So I kind of reminded Will of how important being around all the men in his life had been to him, when he was growing up, and he's come around." 

_I think. Or else I just gave him more fodder for wanting to move to New Orleans.  
_

Reid was relieved. "Good. Because, you know, I would never want to…"

"I know. And you didn't." Changing the subject, JJ asked him about work.

"How's Jordan doing?"

"Well, she's got pretty big shoes to fill…"

"Ha! That's just because of my humongous swollen feet."

He laughed. "Your feet, like the rest of you, are beautiful. No, she's okay. Gets the job done, struggles with a few things now and then. But she's fine. She's just ...not you."

_She doesn't stop by my desk, doesn't know when I'm having a bad day, doesn't cue me when I've rambled too long, doesn't light up the room…._

"Just hang in there with her, Spence. I'm sure it's been hard for her to come cold onto a fully integrated team. And besides," she patted his chest before she moved away, "I'll be back before you know it."

She was wrong about that. He did know. He knew exactly. It would be five weeks, three days, fifteen hours, and thirty seven minutes. Give or take.


	24. Chapter 24

**Prelude**

**Chapter 24**

Reid learned the hard way that one didn't just phone the home that housed a new infant resident.

The call had been picked up in the middle of the second ring, but then there came a clatter, a softly uttered curse…..and then a hurried, whispered, "Hello?"

"JJ? It's me, Spence."

"Oh. Hi Spence."

"Why are you whispering?"

"Because I finally got Henry down a few minutes ago, and I don't want to wake him."

"Oh." Just then, in the background, he heard the rising wail of his godson. "Uh-oh. I probably woke him by making the phone ring, didn't I?"

He heard her heave a sigh. "It's all right, Spence. What can I do for you?" The sound of Henry's cry got louder as JJ took the phone into his room.

Now he felt bad. There wasn't anything of importance he needed to talk about. He'd just wanted to chat.

"Nothing. I was just checking in on you. I don't think we've talked in over a week."

She was too tired to be polite. "I know, Spence, but Henry keeps me so busy, I barely have time to shower or eat." Shouting now, to be heard over her son. "I don't really have time to just chat." 

_And what time I do have, I owe to Will._

He was abashed. "Sorry, JJ, I didn't think it through. Of course, you have to be on his schedule, don't you?"

Now that Henry was safely in the world, Reid's research had progressed to a study of the habits and care of the newborn. And he'd understood that JJ's main role in life during Henry's first few months would be to feed him and tend to his needs, on whatever schedule the little tyrant demanded. But he hadn't thought about what that might mean for the rest of the people in JJ's life.

"Don't worry about it, Spence. I had no idea either, until I started living it. But I really can't talk just now. Maybe I can call you if I have a free minute later on."

But that free minute apparently never came. And Reid wasn't about to risk waking Henry again. So, for almost the entire duration of JJ's maternity leave, Reid resorted to texting, which was his least favorite method of communication. The necessity of keeping the messages short, and the tendency for texters to macerate words, grated against his long love affair with language. But if it served the purpose of keeping him connected to his best friend, he was willing to make the sacrifice.

HOW ARE YOU?

OK.

GETTING SLEEP?

WHAT'S SLEEP?

TELL HENRY HIS GODFATHER SAID TO BE NICE TO HIS MOTHER.

TOLD HIM. HE SAYS WAAA!

HA!

Most of their exchanges were similar. Short and to the point, and initiated by Reid. Until one day the phone sounded a spontaneous text from JJ.

YOU OKAY? PG SAID LAST CASE HARD.

NO WORSE THAN THE REST. I'M OKAY. MISS YOU.

COME FOR DINNER. WITH PG. FRIDAY.

GREAT!

She'd heard from a more telephonically-assertive Penelope that he'd felt guilty about involving a female bartender who'd later been taken and nearly killed by their unsub. And she knew he didn't release guilt very easily. Had she been back at work, she'd have brought him a coffee and chatted with him in the bullpen, having ended their 'hot chocolate dates' when Will moved in with her. Now, being supportive required more planning, and she was glad to have an ally in Penelope Garcia.

After the texted invitation, Reid sought Garcia out in her tech lair.

"JJ just invited me to dinner on Friday. She said you're going, too."

"I am, Boy Genius. Would you like me to pick you up? I have to stop and get the food."

"Oh….we're _bringing_ dinner. I didn't get that."

"Jayje offered to cook, but I thought it would give her a break if we brought it in. Any ideas?"

"Indian?"

"Too spicy. Henry doesn't like it."

"Pizza?"

"She's off dairy, for the duration."

Thinking of another ethnic food domain, one he wouldn't offer for anyone but JJ, Reid was hesitant.

"Morgan's not coming, is he?"

"No, sweetcheeks, it's just you and me...and JJ and Will and Henry, of course."

"Okay, then." No chance of harrassment. "How about Chinese? We could keep it bland."

"Excellent! Chinese it is."

"And, Garcia? No chopsticks for me."

* * *

_She looks exhausted. And so does Will._

Reid took stock of their hosts as he helped himself to more sesame chicken. With his fork.

Henry was sleeping when they arrived, but made his presence...and his hunger...known, just as the adults finished their meal.

"I think you guys are a good luck charm for me. Do you know this is the first meal I've been able to finish since we brought him home?"

Disposable plates and utensils made short work of the kitchen clean up. Garcia and Reid took up seats on the sofa while Will put on a pot of coffee and then joined them. Reid could hear JJ's voice softly cooing at her infant, and an occasional, louder vocalization back from Henry. Soon she brought her precious bundle back into the living room.

"Waa! Waa!"

Reid was fascinated. "He's not really even crying, is he? He's just complaining."

"He's demanding. My little guy's hungry, aren't you, Henry?"

It was such a natural thing for her to do, that JJ didn't even consider whether nursing Henry in front of her friends might make them uncomfortable. She took the cushioned chair Will had left for her, and started lifting her sweater. Once he realized what she was doing, Reid automatically turned his eyes away, lest he see something he shouldn't. But once he turned them back, he simply couldn't peel them away again.

He saw Henry, jaws actively working, tiny fist curled around one of his mother's fingers, and JJ, glowing, sometimes participating in the conversation, sometimes softly caressing her son's cheek. Taking in the entire tableau, Reid couldn't help but see it as the ultimate portrayal of maternal love.

_She may be exhausted, but she looks happy. And Will looks like he wants to explode with pride._

Reid had never been this close to an example of normal family life. He could see that it had its pros and cons, pitting sleeplessness against fulfillment. But he could also see that it came down heavily on the side of fulfillment. JJ looked…..filled.

He'd been so caught up in his observations that he hadn't realized JJ was speaking to him.

"Spence? Oh, Spe-ence." She waved her free hand as she said his name in a sing-song.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. What did you say?"

"Where were you just now?"

He shrugged it off. "Nowhere. Just daydreaming. What did I miss?"

She shook her head, smiling. JJ was well acquainted with Reid's mind rambles, whether expressed verbally or not. It was nice to see that things hadn't changed in her absence.

"I was asking you about the bartender. Garcia thought you might have heard from her since you got back."

His eyes flew to Garcia. How did she know? And then he remembered that she monitored all things to do with the BAU, and would have been aware of the envelope that had arrived via special delivery.

"Garcia…."

"Don't worry, Boy Wonder. I didn't tell him." She knew he was worried about the teasing he'd receive from his 'big brother'. Especially since said 'big brother' had given him the lesson in flirting that had resulted in his conversation with Austin, the bartender.

"Spence?" JJ was enjoying the blush that was rising from Reid's neck to his ears this very moment. She hoped it meant he'd found someone, as she had.

He cleared his throat. "I got a card from her….a thank you, sort of." She'd actually returned _his_ business card, sealed with a lipsticked kiss.

"For rescuing her." Garcia had a pleased look on her face. She thought it was high time the BAU junior knight was recognized for his gallantry.

"Well….sort of." The blush was so deep now that Reid could feel the heat in his face. He prayed for a change of subject. And was surprised when Will provided the answer to that prayer.

"I seem to remember getting a card from a certain beautiful woman after a certain case myself." He passed a knowing smile JJ's way, and she returned it. "And look how that turned out." He waved his hand in the direction of his girlfriend, who was now softly burping their son against her shoulder.

It was the first indication for Reid that JJ might have had a role in initiating her relationship with Will LaMontagne. He'd always thought of Will as the pursuer, and JJ as the pursued. And although he'd never voiced the thought even to himself, the back of Reid's mind had created a scenario where Will had stolen JJ away from him...even though there had never been anything romantic between them. Now, with the revelation of her role in connecting with Will, Reid concluded that she'd probably never felt the same kind of attachment to him that he'd begun to feel toward her.

_Or else she just 'detached' while I was busy feeding my cravings. I guess that's what happens when you make getting high your top priority._

He'd long since resigned himself to JJ and Will being together. Henry's addition to the mix confirmed the relationship as permanent._  
_

A man-sized belch from Henry interrupted Reid's thoughts.

"Did that just come out of that teeny little baby?"

JJ and Will looked at each other and laughed. It was something they'd often said to each other.

"That and so much more, Spence. I think I need to change him."

"Ooh, can I help?" Garcia was anxious to get her hands on her godson.

"You can do the whole thing, Pen. Be my guest."

They headed off to Henry's changing table, leaving Will and Reid to converse with each other. Reid, ever polite, started the ball rolling.

"You both seem happy, Will."

"We are. At least, we _think_ we are. Most of the time we're too tired to tell."

Reid chuckled. "I can see that. JJ….do you think she'll be ready to come back? I mean, it's only a month away, and she looks exhausted."

"If I had my way, she'd stay home forever. But we can't afford it. Living in DC is expensive. Much more expensive than New Orleans."

"I can see how much she loves Henry. But don't you think she'd miss the job if she left it?" For Reid, the idea of JJ's absence from the BAU becoming permanent was taboo.

"She'd get used to it. Maybe she could find something that didn't involve so much travel. Maybe something part time."

This conversation was making Reid nervous. "Is she thinking about it?"

"We've been talkin' about it a bit." Not mentioning that JJ had dismissed the idea out of hand.

Reid chewed on that for a second. "Oh."

The women returned with a cleaned up, happy Henry, who had apparently learned to shriek in glee. He exercised his new talent as he passed by his godfather.

"Wow, Spence….he really seems to like you!" JJ stopped in front of Reid to let Henry smile and thrash his legs in greeting.

Reid grinned. "The feeling is mutual." He gave his own little shriek-and-thrash back at his godson, causing the infant to stop and stare in surprise….and then laugh.

"Oh, my precious! He's laughing! Is there anything cuter than a baby's giggle?" Garcia gushed over Henry.

Reid reached out tentative hands to JJ. "Can I?" He hadn't held his godson since the christening.

"Of course! Here you go." JJ transferred her son to his godfather's large hands and then sat back and watched as the two observed each other.

"He's checking you out, Spence."

"So he is. And do I pass muster, Master Henry?"

The next happy shriek answered the question. Reid held Henry so that the infant could bounce up and down on his legs.

"Do you like that, little man?"

More shrieking.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'." He let Henry take a few more bounces and then settled the baby boy into a sitting position on his thighs.

The rest of the adults resumed their conversation, while Reid had eyes and ears only for the infant in his lap. He spoke to him softly, using the same timbre of voice that he used with victims and families. It didn't matter what Reid was saying to the boy. The soft susurration of his tone had its desired effect. The shrieking Henry quieted, and sat, fully attentive, bathed in the vibratory effect of his godfather's voice.

JJ, although actively exchanging with the others, had the typical mother's sense of her infant. One part of her was always attuned to Henry, and what he was doing. And what he was doing, right now, was deepening the bond with his godfather. Reid felt his heart being captured and reeled in through Henry's blue eyes….the ones so like his mother's. JJ smiled to see that her best friend had fallen into the same enchantment with Henry that she had. Sensing her eyes on him, Reid looked up and smiled back.

He raised his voice a little, so she could hear.

"And your mom….well, she's pretty special. You're a very lucky boy, Henry, did you know that? Not every boy gets to have a mom who's smart, and brave and beautiful. But you do. And that makes you special, too."

JJ rose from her chair and moved over to sit next to Spence, picking up on the tail end of his talk with Henry. She reached across Reid and began stroking Henry's arm.

"Your godfather is pretty special too, little man."

Reid contradicted her by speaking again to Henry. "No he isn't. He's just lucky. Very lucky. And very thankful." He turned his head to share a look with JJ, who rubbed his arm in acknowledgement.

"I'm thankful too. For so many things."

* * *

"Jayje? Can I ask you a question?"

The rest of the team was away, so Garcia had chanced a middle-of-the-day call to JJ. Providentially, Henry was taking a short nap, and JJ was awake, so they enjoyed the happenstance of being able to catch up on each other's lives. They'd just finished remembering the recent visit, when Garcia was prodded to ask her question.

"Shoot."

"Well….I was just wondering. Does Will ever mind how close you are with Reid?"

JJ was taken aback by that. "Pen….why do you ask?"

Garcia wasn't sure she _should_ have asked. But there was something…..

"Well, the other night….you were watching Reid play with Henry, and Will was watching you, the whole time he was talking to me. ...I don't know...there was something about the look on his face. I wasn't sure he was happy about it."

It hadn't even occurred to JJ that her friendship with Reid might be problematic to Will. Reid wasn't the kind of guy Will would see as competition. And he _wasn't _competition. He was just her friend. Her best friend.

"I think you're reading something into it Pen, honestly. I've hardly even talked to Spence since I've been out. I was just enjoying the visit, and he was too. I think Will was probably just looking at Henry, like I was."

"Aww, you're probably right. I was looking at my little man too. Guess he's just a magnet for all of us, huh? He'll probably be a chick magnet in about sixteen years."

"Hush!"

* * *

With a run of out of town cases, they managed only one more 'godparents' visit' during JJ's maternity leave. But she also surprised the whole team with a visit to the BAU as they were returning from one of those away cases. All of the others were tickled when their resident tough guy, Derek Morgan, begged a chance to hold and feed Henry. And then stifled laughter when Morgan melted at a smile from the infant in his arms.

Reid watched the interaction and kept his eye on JJ as well. He was relieved to see that she was looking more rested, and more energized, than before, and told her so.

"Ha! You didn't want to tell me how awful I've looked all this time. But now that I'm getting some rest, you can tell the difference, right?"

"Well….yes. Is Henry letting you sleep more?"

"Oh my God, what a difference a month makes. I guess his stomach is finally big enough that he can skip a feeding or two, and he's so much more alert during the day now. So I don't get much free time while he's awake, but at least he's sleeping when the rest of us like to sleep. I feel almost human again."

He grinned at her. "Human looks good on you." 

_Like everything else.  
_

* * *

At long last, the morning came. Garcia had taken the lead in organizing a 'welcome back' party over breakfast, counting on their being in town to enjoy it. Each of the others contributed a food item, while Emily took care of the flowers and Reid brought balloons.

"Hey, Pretty Boy…..you couldn't just get regular balloons? You had to get characters on them?"

"Their helium pump was broken. I had to take whatever they already had blown up."

"Morgan, don't give him a hard time," defended Emily. "At least he didn't get the 'Rest in Peace' ones."

"They have 'Rest in Peace' balloons?" Rossi was incredulous.

"Believe it or not, they do. But I left those at the store. And I left the 'Congratulations on Your Retirement' balloon there, too. So just be thankful that you're only looking at R2D2 and Harry Potter."

"That's right, my Chocolate Thunder, it could have been worse. And….eeek! Boy Wonder, I love you!" Garcia had spied another character balloon in the bunch. One that excited her, very much.

"What?" said Morgan, "Who is that?"

Reid smirked. "Exactly."

"Exactly what?"

"Not 'What'. 'Who'."

Morgan was annoyed. "I don't know…"

In unison, Garcia and Reid shouted, "Third base!"******

* * *

The party lasted a little longer than had Reid's twenty fourth birthday celebration before they were interrupted by a case. Hotch brought it to the necessary conclusion with a formal, "It's good to have you back," before he led them all into the conference room.

Trailing behind, JJ couldn't help but feel torn. A large part of her heart was with Henry, who was spending his first full day in the care of Karen, his new sitter. But the remainder of it was up in the conference room, with her colleagues and the important work they had before them.

_It's good to be back._

* * *

** _**If the reference is obscure, look up "Who's On First" by Abbott and Costello._ **


	25. Chapter 25

**Prelude**

**Chapter 25**

The 'new normal'. Reid reflected on the inaccuracy of the term. _There is no 'new normal'. There's no 'normal'. There's just change, and adaptation. And, somehow, we all survive._

He was thinking back over his time in the BAU. The unlikely career choice spurred by a mentor….the same mentor who'd lost his focus, and his motivation, and left his colleagues behind. Including his mentee. It had made Reid stumble, but not fall. By the time Gideon had left him…..left _them_, he corrected his thoughts….Reid had formed a strong, fostering relationship with Aaron Hotchner. And he'd long been supporting, and being supported by, JJ.

And then his kidnapping and captivity had turned it all upside down. The changes in his life after that were, thankfully, short-lived ..…but would impact the rest of his days. And then, the change in his relationship with JJ, necessitated by her relationship with Will. Followed by the prolonged absence of her daily role in his life as she looked after a newborn Henry. Reid had missed her terribly. But he'd adapted. His relationships with Emily and Morgan, already solid, had deepened. As had those with Rossi, and his fellow godparent, Penelope Garcia. Change. Not all bad. Not all good. Just…change.

_And we adapt._

Now, JJ was back at work. But it was still different from before. Now, she was more conscious of the time, anxious to get back to her baby boy. She was far more focused, far less relaxed at work, far less likely to take the time to chat, or share a cup of coffee. Reid began to look forward to away cases, because the enforced time on the plane offered the most likely opportunity for them to catch up with each other.

"Hey."

JJ looked up as Reid settled into the seat across from her, his outstretched hand offering a cup of tea.

"Chamomile, so you can sleep."

She smiled her thanks as she took the cup. "Do I really look that bad?"

_Never._ "Of course not. Just tired. I thought Henry was sleeping through the night?"

She sighed. "So did I. But he's cutting some teeth, and it's keeping him up. And, when Henry's up…"

"Everybody's up."

"Well, everybody whose name is 'Mommy' is up. I don't know how Will sleeps through it, but he does."

Reid sympathized with Will. He sometimes found sleep difficult to come by, but once out, he liked to remain out.

"Did you know that the average age for a first tooth is between six and eight months of age? And it can take years for all of the teeth to come in," Reid offered, helpfully.

Or not. "Thanks. Does that mean I have years of sleep deprivation ahead of me?"

"Have you tried a teething ring? Or celery? Some dentists suggest that if you have the baby bite down on cold celery, both the temperature of the stalk and the juices within it help with teething pain."

His research on dental issues in infancy hadn't been as extensive as it had been for other topics, but Reid remembered everything he'd read.

"Karen's been doing the celery thing during the day, and she says it helps. But I can't very well leave a celery stalk in the crib with him all night. He'd poke himself in the eye with it."

"Oh, right." Formal logic came easily to Reid. But sometimes common sense failed him.

"Instead, I sent Will out for some acetaminophen, and it did the trick. So, tonight, he'll give it at bedtime and hope for the best."

There was a wistfulness in her tone that made Reid study her. "You miss putting him to bed every night, don't you?"

She nodded. "It's the most precious time, Spence. He gets his bath, and then I nurse him, and Will and I take turns reading him a story. We know he doesn't understand it, but…well, you know. It's part of the routine, and he seems to like hearing our voices. And then, he's out. He looks so sweet, lying in his crib. I…"

She'd cut herself off, feeling like she was rambling.

"No, go on," Reid urged, softly.

"Sometimes I just stay there and stare at him. I watch him sleep and count his breaths. And each one seems like a blessing. I can't believe he's in my life. And I can't believe how happy he makes me."

Reid saw that her eyes were glistening. He was happy for her, having this unplanned family life.

"Henry's pretty lucky himself, having you for a mom."

She smiled at the compliment. "What about you, Spence? Anyone I haven't heard about in your life?"

He _snorted._ "When would I have time to meet someone?"

It was, in fact, true. Hotch had been with Hayley long before he'd come to the BAU. Apart from that relationship, none of the team had managed to connect with anyone they hadn't met at, or through, work. Even thrice-married Rossi was single since returning to the unit.

"Well….what about that bartender? She sent you a thank you card, didn't she?"

He hadn't mentioned the exact nature of the card Austin had messengered to him.

"Yeah…but she's in Georgia."

"Will and I managed a long distance relationship for over a year. It can be done, Spence."

He began to wonder if maybe she wasn't right. Maybe he shouldn't focus on the reasons _not_ to pursue a relationship. But, as flattered as he was by Austin's response to him, he didn't feel the attraction. She'd simply responded to his meager attempt at flirtation, and he'd responded to her response. But he'd only flirted to show Morgan that he could, not because he'd been drawn to her in the first place.

"You're right, I guess it can be done. I don't know….I just don't think she's right for me."

"Well, you'll meet the right girl someday. I'm sure of it."

It was so much like what his mother used to tell him, that he had to wonder if the sentiment was in the female DNA.

_But what if I do….and she doesn't think she's right for me? And what if I did….and then lost her?_

* * *

If serial killer cases can be said to fall into a routine, then the BAU's cases over the ensuing months did so. Until they were called out to Boston, and a case that visibly rocked their unit chief. Which fact rocked his team, as well. But no one was more thrown off kilter than Derek Morgan.

A long-dormant serial killer, who derived pleasure from tormenting law enforcement as much as he did from his killings, was back in action, with Aaron Hotchner as his current law enforcement victim of choice. The man had nearly bested Morgan in a fight. In fact, he _had_ bested the seasoned agent. But he'd left him alive as a token, and a message, to Hotch. And he'd taken Morgan's credentials.

The plane ride home was tense, and largely silent. Morgan's fury was palpable, and dangerous. Hotch's was there, but more contained. An observer watching the scene would never have guessed that the BAU had actually caught their unsub this time. It almost didn't matter. He'd gotten into their heads.

Reid heard JJ speaking softly into her phone from the galley area of the plane. When she emerged and took the seat next to him, he asked, "How's my little buddy?"

"He's good." She gestured around the cabin with her eyes. "Better than _they_ are. Better than all of us are."

Reid agreed. "Yeah. It's a little scary, isn't it, when Hotch loses his cool. I mean, I do it all the time, but Hotch….."

"You do not lose your cool. Well, maybe a little…."

He chuckled. "Maybe a lot." His tendency to get excited about the details of a case was well known.

"Well, all right. But they're not just excited. They're angry. It's not the same."

She'd only rarely seen Reid actually angry at anyone but a teasing Morgan. But, on Reid, the anger only made him look stronger, and more confident. On Reid, the anger looked almost….good.

"I don't blame them. And I wouldn't want to be that unsub when Morgan goes back to testify. He'll gladly ream him." Reid had rarely seen that much fight in his friend's eyes.

"If Foyet's smart, he'll plead out."

But Foyet wasn't smart. He was clever. Ingenious.

Free.

He escaped his prison cell within a day of the team's return to Quantico.

It didn't just feel like a challenge. It felt like a threat. A personal one. The man had taken on their best, and bested them. None of them felt safe. But none of them would admit to it, nor let it show.

* * *

"Hey, JJ, how was your weekend?" Emily called after her friend as the young blonde ran up the stairs to her office.

"Busy…but good. Yours?"

"Annoyingly uneventful."

"Hey, you know, I can help you with that, Princess." Morgan teased his cubicle-mate. "I'm always just a phone call away."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Wouldn't it have been a little…..crowded?"

The meaning was lost on a newly-arriving Reid. "What….did I miss a party?"

"A party of one, Reid. I think Morgan's all talk. What do you think?"

Never one to pass up irritating his 'big brother', Reid agreed. "All talk. What are we talking about?"

They all laughed at his innocent confusion, then settled into filling out reports. Mid-morning, JJ slipped down the stairs again to summon them all to the conference room.

"We've got a case."

* * *

Months later, when she realized he was still visiting the man, JJ asked Reid what had drawn him to Adam.

"He didn't ask for what happened to him, JJ. And the personality who committed those murders wasn't Adam. DID is never a conscious choice. It happened to Adam because of what his father did to him. It was his mind's way of helping him survive, by distancing him. Just like Tobias Hankel."

It was what he'd said to Morgan while they were still at South Padre Island.

They'd kept Adam's female persona from killing his father…but only at the cost of her remaining dominant. As Reid had come to understand, Adam's psyche wasn't going to let Adam live in a world where his father still existed. It wouldn't matter how many times Reid visited the psychiatric hospital. He wouldn't be seeing Adam again. But the knowledge didn't keep him from trying. To fail to try was to show that he'd lost hope. And he thought that the buried Adam persona needed to see that hope.

For the umpteenth time, JJ marveled at her friend's ability to forgive. He'd told her a long time ago that he didn't blame Tobias Hankel for what had been done to him. If there was anyone to blame, it was his father, Charles.

"You're pretty amazing, you know that, Spence? I don't know anyone else who could actually understand that, let alone act on it. I know you think Morgan is the strong one on the team….but, in my opinion, he's got serious competition."

Reid blushed at the compliment. "I'm just being who I am, JJ."

She smiled at him as she rubbed his arm. "I know. And who you are is pretty impressive."

* * *

JJ may have recognized Reid's moral strength, but it was his physical strength that would be tested in the coming months.

It began innocently enough, with an in-town case. But as soon as they exited the elevator, the profilers knew it was anything but routine. A rapidly-lethal strain of anthrax had apparently been released in a public park, resulting in multiple deaths. The risk of an escalation to releasing it in a more densely populated setting was very real. And the risk of that information getting out to the public, and creating an exit stampede, was also very real. The BAU, like the military and other agencies assisting in the case, and currently swarming the bullpen, would need to keep things top secret.

It was the first time she'd considered making a major breach of policy. The small ones, the stretching of the rules that allowed her to help the team help others….those were easy to justify. This was different. This time, JJ was considering directly disobeying an order. They'd all been forbidden to reveal what had happened. Couldn't warn the public. Couldn't even warn their loved ones.

She'd approached Hotch about it. Her loved ones were in DC, directly in the line of fire. And the one loved one in particular, Henry, had barely begun his life. How could she risk it being over so swiftly? How could she risk having to live in a world without him?

But Hotch had been firm, seemingly emotionally detached. "How would it be fair if we told our own families, but left the public at risk?"

To JJ, his answer made no sense. What did fairness have to do with anything? Why couldn't they save the ones they loved? If it was possible to save anyone, why couldn't it be their families? Wouldn't that be reasonable recompense for the risks they took every day?

In the end, one of their family _was_ affected. _Infected_. Very much in danger of dying.

_Spence! Oh, Spence!_ The words ran through JJ's mind on endless 'repeat' as Garcia prattled her own concerns.

"Look at it, Jayje." She had a photo of the microorganism on her screen. "They say it kills in a matter of hours, and…"

"Garcia, please. Please. Stop. I can't think about it." _I can't think about anything else. _"He has help. He took cipro. He'll be okay." _Please, God, let him be okay._

But, a few hours later, came the word that her prayer had gone unanswered. _Or maybe the answer is just 'no'._ Reid's condition had worsened. With a much higher inoculum, he was having a much more rapidly deteriorating course of illness.

But he'd found a crucial clue, one that would help them solve the case. The public would be safe. They would never know that a young FBI agent had given his life so that they could live theirs without worry.

Realizing the thought that had just crossed her mind, JJ became angry. With herself, for thinking it. With the unsub, for creating the crisis. With God, for letting it happen.

_He's not lost...not yet! You need to take care of him. Please. What he did is saving all of the rest of us. Why can't You save him?_

* * *

Once the immediate threat to the public was past, Morgan went to the hospital, directly from the Metro station where they'd taken down the unsub. Having been with Reid when the mishap occurred, he felt, however illogically, responsible. And he cared more about his 'little brother' than he would ever let on to anyone else.

At the BAU, JJ finished her report and stopped by Garcia's lair before leaving.

"Going home, Jayje? Hug our favorite little guy for me, okay?" She knew how much this case had frightened JJ.

The media liaison was torn. She desperately needed to see her son, and hold him, and hug him, and tell him she loved him. But she also needed to see Spence. 

_His time might be running out… if I don't go now..._

Just then, Garcia answered a call from Morgan, her concern demonstrated by the distinct lack of preliminary banter.

"Derek….how is he?"

JJ realized who the call was from and signaled that Garcia should put it on speaker. But Garcia wouldn't do so until she knew the nature of Morgan's news. So JJ spent a frustrating thirty seconds waiting while Garcia nodded, brow furrowed.

"Uh-huh. Uh-huh…."

Finally…a smile. A beaming, delighted smile.

"Wait a second, Derek. Putting you on speaker. JJ's here. Say what you just said again."

"I said Pretty Boy just opened his eyes and asked for jello. Dr. Kimora said the cure was in the inhaler, just like they thought. He's still pretty sick, I guess…he still needs oxygen. But she's pretty sure he's turned the corner."

Garcia turned to her friend to revel in the good news….and saw JJ, collapsed into a chair, her face in her hands.

"Derek…I'll call you right back, okay?" She ended the call without waiting for his response.

Garcia rose and moved over to her friend, putting her arms around her in a tight hug.

"It's over, sweetheart. We're all okay, everyone we love is okay. It's over."

JJ sniffled as she let her hands fall away. "I was so worried about Henry…I prayed for this not to affect him. And then…it was Spence! It was Spence we almost lost!"

"'Almost' being the operative word, my dear girl. Now, I think you should get home and hug those boys of yours. Before I put him on speaker, Morgan said they want Reid to rest tonight. He's going to stay with him, and we can spell him tomorrow. So tonight you can spend all night telling the men in your life how much you love them."

JJ gave a watery smile. "Thanks, Pen. I'll do that."

* * *

Reid turned his head at the soft knock on his door.

"Hi. You up for a visitor?"

"JJ." His hands went up in a futile attempt to tame his wild post-ICU-hair. "Hi."

She came slowly into the room and made her way over to the bed, studying him as she walked.

The last she'd seen of him, he'd been running out the door on his way to the hospital to help interview the victims. She'd stopped him, demanding to know what he remembered of the outcome of the last anthrax attack. She needed to know what had happened to the one infant infected. She could have looked it up. But there was something comforting in hearing the words come from his lips. The infant had survived.

It was hard to believe that had been only a little over 24 hours ago. And that, in those 24 hours, Spence had nearly died, and fought his way back to life. But when she looked at the man in the bed, she could see every remnant of the struggle. He was pale, as disheveled as one could look in a hospital johnny, exhausted, weak. His voice was hoarse. But he was alive. And that, in JJ's eyes, made him a beautiful sight.

She hadn't brought him flowers, or a plant. She knew him too well. He would go crazy in this hospital if he couldn't stimulate his mind. So she'd brought him a portable, magnetic chess set.

He smiled as he opened it. "Perfect. I can even take this on the road with me later."

JJ shrugged. "I don't think I can give you much of a game, but if you want to…"

He shook his head. "That's okay. I'll play against myself later. I started working through every possible permutation of moves after Gideon left, trying to understand the game better. I still have quite a few to go."

He so rarely referenced his mentor any more. JJ heard the subtext. Spence wasn't just trying to understand the game better. He was still trying to understand Gideon.

"Okay, well. You look…tired. Are you really feeling better, Spence?"

"I had to work for every breath, JJ. It was pretty exhausting. My muscles are still pretty sore from it, but my breathing is easier. I might even get rid of this later today." He pointed at his nasal oxygen cannula.

Without thinking, without asking permission, she reached out and ran her fingers through his wild hair.

"You had me scared this time, Spence. Not that it's a new thing," she teased, and he smiled. "But this was different. It felt like you were on a runaway train, and we had no way to stop it. And we hadn't even said goodbye." 

_Or said how much we care about each other._

He could hear the emotion in her voice. "I'm okay. Dr. Kimura thinks I'll make a pretty full recovery."

"Pretty full?"

"She's not sure I'll get all my lung function back. But I don't care, as long as this is working." He pointed to his head. He'd been afflicted with aphasia, just as some of the others had. But it had resolved with his treatment.

"Spence…..if you don't get full function back…will you be able to work? Can you stay with the BAU?"

Apparently his brain wasn't all the way back yet, because he hadn't even considered asking about the extent of his possible disability.

As if summoned, Dr. Kimura stopped by on rounds, and Reid was able to ask his question.

"Not to worry, Dr. Reid. Your tests from this morning are looking very promising. If there's anything that doesn't fully recover, it will be minimal. In fact,.." she leaned over the bed, "..you can get rid of this right now." She gently removed the nasal cannula, and turned off the oxygen.

JJ beamed as Reid thanked the physician, and the two watched her leave.

"I guess God answers prayers, huh?"

He looked at her with curiosity. "You prayed for me?"

"Of course I did. I 'pummeled the heavens', as my mother would say. And heaven responded."

He was still hoarse, only this time it wasn't from the oxygen coursing down his throat.

"Thanks."

"I couldn't even think about losing you, Spence. You're too important in my life. Not to mention Henry's. Who else will teach him magic, and chess….and everything there is to know about Star Trek?"

Reid chuckled. "Do you think I can take him to ComicCon with me some day?"

Now she laughed. "Don't push your luck."

Becoming serious again, JJ looked her affection at him. But it wasn't enough.

"Come here."

She held out her arms as he pushed himself up in the bed, and they hugged one another, the only way either knew how to really express all that they were feeling.

Every part of his chest was so sore that even her touch was tender. But it was the sweetest pain he'd ever endured.


	26. Chapter 26

**Prelude**

**Chapter 26**

In the end, it hadn't mattered that every member of the team had been on guard. It only mattered that the important work they did, and the nature of that work, had distracted them. For all the right reasons, their minds had become focused on the victims and families in crisis….leaving one of their own to become a victim himself.

Foyet had meticulously carved himself into Aaron Hotchner….body, mind and soul. By diabolical plan, the cuts left the unit chief weakened and helpless when he was found dumped outside a hospital emergency room, but not in danger of his life. Foyet hadn't left his name….but he had most definitely left his mark.

The entire team was shaken as most of them gathered at the hospital to strategize. Hotch had been forceful in demanding to see Jack and Hayley before he had them whisked off to protective custody. While Emily stayed with her boss, Morgan, JJ and Rossi retrieved Hotch's ex-wife and son from their new home…and their new lives.

JJ couldn't help but marvel at the ex-Mrs. Hotchner's relative cool and calm demeanor. The BAU agents had surprised her in her home, but it took her less than fifteen seconds to absorb what they were telling her, and spur herself to action. No matter her distress…and, maybe, anger…. at what was happening, Hayley was quick, and thoughtful and trusting of her ex's team. JJ felt sorrow for her and for Aaron. 

_I'm so sorry you couldn't make it work. You're so clearly well-suited to one another._

Back at the hospital, JJ marveled a little at her own degree of calm. While she'd been physically at Hayley Hotchner's home, helping her pack, mentally she'd been with Reid.

_Please let it be minor. Please let them be able to give him a full repair._

While the rest of the team was attending to their supervisor, Reid was undergoing surgery at another hospital. He'd been shot in the process of protecting a civilian. JJ couldn't keep herself from flashing back on the moment she'd arrived at the scene with Rossi and Morgan. Emily Prentiss had become aware of the incident and, not being able to raise Reid on his phone after hearing the gunshots, she'd phoned it in as a 'federal agent down' event.

Hearing that phrase coming over their radios had caused hearts to plummet in all of the remaining team members. JJ's hand covered her mouth as she closed her eyes in prayer for Reid. Seeing her, Rossi grasped her free hand and squeezed it.

"Hold on. We don't know anything yet."

But they did, a moment later. JJ's eyes scanned the scene for Reid's tall figure among the various types of uniforms present. But it wasn't there. Then she saw Dr. Barton, the man at the center of this case, run from a supine figure on the ground to another, propped up on an elbow.

_Spence!_

It was clear he'd been injured, as the trauma surgeon at the center of the case was evaluating him. But then JJ watched as Reid waved Dr. Barton off to reassure his son, now arriving on scene. Obviously Reid felt well enough to postpone his own care for the sake of the father and son reunion.

As his three teammates ran over to him, Reid grimaced in pain, holding his left knee. There was blood puddled under it already.

"Are you okay?" JJ shouted as she neared her friend. _Stupid question. Obviously he's not okay._

But he assured them, "I'm fine. It's Hotch. You need to call Emily. Something's happened to Hotch."

It was the first the rest of them were hearing about it, and it hit them all hard. Each of their thoughts followed the same trajectory and landed on Foyet. And each of them cursed themselves for having become complacent and inattentive about the threat.

JJ wanted to accompany Reid to the hospital, but he turned her away.

"If I'm having surgery, I won't be conscious anyway. Go and be where you can help the most."

She understood his point, but it just didn't feel right to her. He had no one else who could be there for him. Why should he wake up in a hospital room, alone?

"Spence…."

The EMTs were attaching a support under his leg, and causing considerable pain in the process. Reid winced involuntarily, and gritted his teeth to keep from crying out. JJ grabbed his hand and felt the extent of his pain in the degree with which his fingers were crushing hers. Finally, with the maneuver completed, he released his hold on her.

"Sorry." He watched her rub the circulation back into her hand.

"Spence….I really think I should …"

He spoke over her. "If you really want to help me, you'll see about Hotch. Once the surgery's over, I'll be fine. But I have a feeling Hotch's ordeal is only beginning."

* * *

A few hours later, JJ closed her phone with a sigh of relief, and hurried back toward the others.

"Spence says he'll be fine. He won't be able to kick down any doors, but he says that's Morgan's job anyway."

It seemed to be the least of their worries, at the time. But it proved to be the start of an ordeal lasting many months in the life of Spencer Reid.

In typical fashion, the young genius downplayed the extent of his injury, and his pain, being in the habit of eschewing the spotlight about anything but his intellect. And, at this critical time in the team's history, he didn't want to be a distraction from the ongoing search for Foyet. They worked on it in every spare moment between other active cases. The fact that it wasn't their sole area of focus grated on them.

"Why can't these be assigned to other teams?" A disgusted Morgan waved his hand at the pile of paper consults on his desk. "Foyet's a serial killer. It would be perfectly legitimate for us to work just the one case until we get him."

The experienced profiler felt a particular outrage against the Reaper, who'd stolen his credentials when he'd condescendingly spared the FBI agent's life.

"You heard her," replied Emily. "Strauss thinks we need the other cases to 'help us keep perspective'."

"I'd like to show her what she can do with her 'perspective', spat Morgan.

"Guys.." JJ approached with a cup of coffee for Reid, and used her head to indicate that their Section Chief was just on the other side of the balcony, emerging from Rossi's office. She didn't want any of their remarks overheard by the woman who could take them off the Foyet case altogether.

"Thanks." Reid took the hot beverage from JJ and sipped it. _Ah. Perfect._

She'd been bringing him coffee for the past week, ever since his return to the team. Before that, she'd brought groceries and a few cooked meals to his apartment, where he was on modified bed rest while the swelling in his knee subsided. On one occasion, she'd even brought Henry.

"Hey! My little man!" Reid grinned as he saw the two of them come through the door JJ had opened with Reid's spare key.

JJ smiled. "Your little man started crawling yesterday, Uncle Spence." JJ deposited her son in his godfather's lap, much to the delight of both males.

"Henry, my man! You'll be getting around better than me for a while, it seems."

JJ called from the kitchen, "How _are_ you getting around, Spence? Getting the hang of those crutches yet?"

"A little. Mostly I've been sitting with my leg up, like a good patient. But I've done enough to be sore. By the time I get back to the BAU, I should be pretty good with them."

JJ stopped what she was doing and came out of the kitchen. "You'll still have the crutches when you come back?"

"For a while, at least. The bullet tore through a couple of tendons, and I'm not supposed to stress them for a while. Then I'll have rehab. If I've got it calculated right, Henry and I should be learning to walk at just about the same time. Isn't that right, Henry?"

He made a face at his godson and was rewarded with a belly laugh.

JJ smiled to see the two of them enjoying each other. But she was also concerned. This was the first she'd realized exactly how significant Reid's injury had been. He'd apparently been downplaying it for the sake of the team's concentrating on Hotch and the Reaper. She'd thought he would only need support for a week or so.

"Spence…. if it's going to be that long before you're recovered, maybe we should think about having you come to stay with us. We have the room."

If it had been only JJ and Henry, he might have agreed. He felt comfortable with them, and he thought they genuinely enjoyed his company. But, even after all this time, he didn't know Will all that well, and didn't think he would be welcomed.

"Thanks, JJ. But I'm fine here. As soon as the swelling is down, I'll be able to get my feet….or, my crutches…under me, so I'll get around better. There are elevators here and at work, so that's taken care of."

"What about food? How will you get groceries here?"

"Don't they deliver? Or I can order out. _They_ deliver."

She shook her head. "You can't live on take out for weeks at a time. If you're going to stay here, we'll make sure you have groceries. We can take turns dropping by."

"JJ, I'm not an invalid…." He never liked to look weak in the eyes of his teammates.

"No, you're not. But you're not exactly spry now, are you?" She turned to go back to the kitchen, muttering under her breath, "Men!"

Reid heard that. For some reason, it made him smile. And his smile brought back Henry's laugh. Godfather and godson shared a moment of bonding over the woman who held a prominent place in each of their hearts.

* * *

The rehab was taking forever. His physical therapist told Reid it was because the pain was causing a reflexive spasm in his muscles, and the spasm inhibited his movement. Reid was repeatedly encouraged to treat his pain adequately in order to aid the rehabilitation process.

The young genius was frustrated, angry with himself, and beginning to lose hope of full recovery. He couldn't take the narcotics, and he didn't get adequate pain relief from the other meds.

_See what happens when you're weak? You end up paying for it in ways you never expected, don't you?_ _   
_

The strength he'd demonstrated in having endured the pain without narcotics was lost on Reid. That he owned the strength necessary to continue to endure the pain daily was also lost on him. The pain itself robbed him of his ability to focus on anything but moving through it.

Regardless, he was anxious to get back to helping his team, so much so that he faked medical clearance to fly. He'd actually gone out with the team for one case before Hotch caught him, evidence of the returning unit chief's own lack of focus.

Caught in the act, Reid had been grounded for several cases, assigned to work them from Quantico. In large part, he worked them from Garcia's lair, providing him with new insight as to how she operated, and new respect for her intellectual prowess.

_It's funny. She almost downplays it when she banters with us. But she's pretty formidable._

Finally, he was legitimately cleared to travel, although still mostly relegated to whichever site served as case headquarters for the duration of their stays. He might be able to conduct a few interviews, but there would be no risky field work for Reid until the crutches were gone.

* * *

"Whoa, Pretty Boy! You're swinging those things like you know what to do with them!"

"Yeah, Reid. Do you realize you're not even using your hands some of the time?" Emily was impressed as well.

He had, indeed, become facile with his crutches, and was so used to them as extra appendages that he could manage to swing them forward from under his arms, using only the increasingly powerful muscles of his shoulders and chest. That particular side effect of his injury and rehab was not lost on the female members of the team.

"Hey, Morgan. I think you need to change your workout routine. Reid's is paying off better."

Emily teased both of her good friends. Reid responded with the expected blush, while Morgan growled, "I don't think I have anything to worry about."

No matter how much better he was getting around, JJ was aware that Reid was only really comfortable when he was sitting. So she still tried to anticipate his needs, letting him remain in position unless it was absolutely necessary that he move. That meant bringing him his coffee, gathering necessary files. She'd even tried to help by scribing for him on the white board, but that proved to be too frustrating for both of them. He couldn't quite verbalize how he needed things to look for his complex mind, and eidetic memory, to be able to use them. He needed to write for himself.

The current case was right up Reid's alley….bizarre behavior with references to obscure, legendary creatures. Their unsub was exhibiting traces of vampirism, feeding on the blood of his victims. Fascinated, Reid gave an impromptu lecture on the subject, once again leaving his colleagues baffled by the extent of his knowledge.

But, later, JJ saw that his knowledge wasn't exactly limitless. _Give him an arcane topic, and he goes on forever. Mention a contemporary cultural reference, and he's completely lost._ She'd had to explain about the characters in a highly popular book series, as well as one of the most commonly used texting terms, 'BFF'.

"'Best Friend Forever', Spence."

"Oh." 

_BFF. JJ._

With those words, she'd gone out to interview a potential witness. Reid had offered to accompany her, but they both knew he would probably slow her down. And, besides, he needed to deliver the profile he'd worked up to the rest of the team.

Later, when Garcia called with new, critical information, Reid had a moment of panic. It felt like a harrowing throwback to the Hankel case. Now, knowing that the person they were looking for was female, it became immediately apparent to him. JJ had unwittingly gone to interview the unsub.

_Please, God, don't let it happen again. Don't let it happen to her!_

He virtually flew across the floor on his crutches, rushing in to tell the others. JJ was in trouble, and they had to get to her immediately.

_Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn._ He cursed the situation. He cursed his crutches. He cursed himself. He cursed having to wait.

He couldn't call the others. Couldn't risk even the sound of one of their phones vibrating as they approached the unsub. Instead, Reid conjured a mental image of them arriving on scene, weapons drawn. He pictured them separating to surround the house. Pictured Hotch giving a silent signal to Morgan to kick down the door. Pictured them rushing the house, clearing the rooms. He tried to picture them encountering JJ, restrained but safe. But the image wouldn't stay with him. Instead, it kept being replaced with a vision of her fallen, of blood seeping from a wound, of the unsub lapping at the blood…..

He shook himself, trying desperately to dispel the image. How much time had it been? How much more time until he would get the call?

Seconds seemed like years, minutes like centuries. When his phone finally rang, he literally pounced on it. He could see the caller ID.

"Emily! How is she?"

The calm tone of her voice had as much effect on him as did her words.

"Relax, Reid. She's okay. She was knocked out for a while…that's why she didn't answer our calls. We'll stop by the hospital on the way to the airport. We'll meet you there."

* * *

He'd apologized six times already.

"I should have known. I shouldn't have jumped to a conclusion about the sex of the unsub. If I had, I'd never have let you go there alone."

JJ winced at the pain in her head, but appreciatively settled herself on their long seat, where Reid had already prepared cushions for her.

"Spence…you couldn't have known. And besides, you couldn't have come with me. Don't take this on yourself."

He was fussing in the galley now, brewing her favorite tea and digging in the closet for a blanket to cover her.

"I don't care," he said as he tried in vain to tuck the blanket around her. His crutches wouldn't allow him to bend the way he wanted to. "I feel bad that I let you go there alone."

The others were a little thrown as well. They weren't used to their unit liaison being injured in the field, and they couldn't do enough to help her feel better. Emily handed her the water, Hotch the pills.

JJ smiled inwardly at the solicitousness of her team. _I'll bet if one of them could swallow the pills for me, they would._

Spence, she knew, would gladly have taken on her headache as his own. She knew he was worried about her, and she knew he felt he'd failed her.

"I'm fine. And you all only did your jobs. _All_ of you." Looking pointedly at her BFF.

When they'd landed, Reid insisted on driving JJ home.

"I can pick you up tomorrow, if you're up for work, and we can get your car then."

As much as she'd have liked to argue with him, JJ knew he was right. She'd had a concussion, after all. Still, the irony was strong.

"So the guy on the crutches is driving me home. What a pair we are!"

He smiled. "I'm just glad it was my left knee, else I wouldn't be able to drive."

They rode along in silence for a few minutes, until JJ looked across to see the firm set of Reid's jaw. He still looked angry. And she knew his anger wasn't directed at the unsub.

"Seriously, Spence, I don't want you thinking this was your fault. I was doing my job, and you were doing yours. It's just that our jobs have risks. You know that."

When he didn't respond, she prodded. "Tell me that you know that."

Reluctantly, he conceded. "I know that."

She smiled in satisfaction. "Good. Now let me close my eyes for a few minutes, okay?"

He returned the smile. "Go ahead. I'll wake you when we get there."

But, just like a child, she roused when the vehicle slowed. Groggy, she rubbed her eyes. "Are we home?"

"Just pulling in. Stay in the car. Let me get Will."

He didn't want his unsteady friend falling on her way into the house, but the crutches would keep him from being her support. He made his way up the walk and rang the bell. JJ could see the two men talking for a minute before they came back to her.

"Cher." Will leaned in and kissed JJ before he helped her from the car. He reached back for her go bag and then started up the walk with her.

"Thanks, Spencer. I've got her now."

JJ called back. "Thanks, Spence. Remember what I said."

Reid called to them. "I can stop by tomorrow, if you're up to work. Just tell me what time."

It was Will who responded. "I've got her, Spencer. If she's going to work, I'll get her there."

* * *

Hours later, Reid closed the book that hadn't quite been able to keep his attention. His thoughts kept going back to the turning point, the point where he might have saved JJ the risk. He analyzed it from every possible angle, vowing never again to allow her, or any of his colleagues, to be endangered by something he'd missed.

When sleep finally seemed a possibility, he pushed himself out of the chair. Before going in, he grabbed his phone.

_I'll just text, in case she's asleep. But I need to check on her._

FEELING BETTER? HOW'S YOUR HEAD?

Two minutes later, his phone alerted.

SHE'S FINE.


	27. Chapter 27

**Prelude**

**Chapter 27**

In the end, it was Henry's ear infection that gave them the break they needed to find Foyet. If not for the poor little guy's discomfort, JJ wouldn't have taken him to the pediatrician, who wouldn't have written the prescription for antibiotic. And, if not for the antibiotic, JJ wouldn't have bothered to refill the prescription for his antihistamine. The medication the pharmacy was out of. The one with the over-the-counter alternative.

"Serendipity and luck," she'd said to Reid.

He disagreed. "Serendipity, luck, and someone smart enough to recognize what was in front of her. You broke this, JJ. You should be proud of yourself."

They'd been looking for Foyet through the tracking of the myriad medications he needed to treat the multiple medical conditions he'd inflicted upon himself. But there were so many medications, used by so many people, that even Garcia's powerful program couldn't wade through them. But JJ had experienced a 'eureka' moment at the pharmacy. Maybe Foyet was getting most of the medications over the counter, leaving no trail. Narrowing the list to the prescription-only meds allowed Garcia's computers to do what was asked of them. They'd been able to narrow the vast list down to a few names in their geographic target areas.

"What about you? You figured out the name he was using. Seemingly out of thin air."

Reid had used his understanding of Foyet's proclivities to determine that he was using a name that was an anagram of 'the reaper'.

"Not out of thin air," he shrugged. "I just made an educated deduction based on available evidence."

She smiled at him, shaking her head as she did so. "Okay, you're right. I guess it was nothing special."

He mocked indignation. "Well, I didn't exactly say that."

They both relished the few moments of teasing, knowing they were on their way into battle with one of their most diabolical unsubs. The one who had cost Aaron Hotchner all contact with his family. The stakes felt high, because they were. And the case felt personal, because it was.

As they sped along to the address, not a single member of the team had an inkling of how costly this day would prove to be.

* * *

It would be hard to call any member of the BAU innocent, or naïve. If anything, they might be presumed to be calloused, hardened. Considering the subject matter they dealt with every day, the things they saw…even the words that came from their mouths in the course of their discussions…it would have been surprising to see them so affected by a single case. By a conversation, overheard. By the sharp report of a single gunshot.

Once they realized Foyet had used his wiles to find Hayley, and then dupe her into returning to the home she'd shared with Hotch, the team raced to meet their unit chief there. Together, they listened in on Hotch's phone conversation with Foyet, courtesy of Garcia. All of them felt their stomachs drop when they heard Hayley's voice come on the line. Foyet had her. And he had Jack.

In separate vehicles, the team raced to the Hotchner's old address, all the while listening as the realization dawned on Hayley. The man with her wasn't from the FBI. It was Foyet. She'd made a fatal mistake.

JJ could only imagine what must be going through the woman's mind at that point. Fear, for herself and her son. Despair, for all that wouldn't happen in their lives. Anger, at herself for having fallen for it, at Aaron for the life choices he'd made that had put them here, at Foyet, for what she knew he was about to do. Sorrow, for her ex, who would have to find a way to live with it. Hope, that Jack would somehow survive and find a way to have a life. Regret, for not having been able to make a life together with his father.

Just as she thought them herself, JJ heard Hotch saying almost the same words. _You're not responsible, Hayley. All you ever did was to love your husband and your son. And, though you couldn't make it work together, I know for a fact that he still loves you._

It was his encouraging Hayley to be strong that started to break all of them, because the words held the knowledge. She would die, at Foyet's hand, witnessed audibly by the man who loved her. Foyet stopped speaking altogether and let the former husband and wife exchange their final words. And then, almost as if he had permission, he pulled the trigger.

They'd known it was coming, and prayed that it wouldn't. But when the sound came, it paused the heart of each listener. JJ and Emily closed their eyes, vainly trying to dispel the mental image. Rossi and Morgan exchanged angry looks. Garcia burst into deep, wracking sobs. Reid simply stared out the window, reminded once again of exactly how barbaric a human being could be.

Hot tears burned Hotch's cheeks. Hot, angry, sorrow-filled tears. But he neither swerved nor slowed his vehicle. There had been only one gunshot. Maybe Jack had hidden himself. Maybe he was effectively 'working the case'.

By the time the team arrived, it was all over. Foyet lay dead, Hayley as well, avenged by the man who loved her. Morgan had needed to physically stop Hotch from battering the dead unsub's head against the floor. He, Emily and Rossi watched as Hotch regained some of his senses and dashed from the room.

JJ was accompanying Reid, still slowed by his cane-assisted gait, into the house, as their unit chief ran past them. They followed him to the office and watched as he frantically lifted the lid on a storage chest. They could see him deflate, some of the fear releasing, as his son….his very much alive son…spoke to him.

Hotch clutched Jack into a tight embrace, and then sent him to go with JJ. The two youngest members of the BAU shared a look before Reid followed JJ out. The young man briefly thought to stay with Hotch. But the older man's grief was too powerful, and Reid knew he didn't have the strength to help him contain it.

* * *

"I just still can't believe it, Will. It was so surreal." She paused, remembering. "So...awful. So...tragic. And poor Jack...I can't even..."

JJ ended her statement with a groan as her boyfriend tried to knead the tension from her shoulders.

"I know, Cher. Kinda makes a body grateful for all the things we have, don't it?"

She didn't answer the question. Her mind was still replaying the scene at the house. She'd finally gotten it to stop replaying the awful sound of the gunshot. Or so she hoped.

"I've never seen Hotch like that. He was….unraveled. Emily said he completely beat Foyet to death. _Beat_ him to death. _Hotch_." She had trouble processing the thought even as she spoke the words.

"Same as I'd do if somebody hurt _my_ woman." Will stopped his massaging and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

JJ leaned her weight back on him. She appreciated the sentiment, but she knew Will didn't really understand. His blood _always _ran a little hot. But this was _Hotch_ she was describing. Their cool, collected unit chief. The one they all looked to for guidance in every difficult situation. It was as though he'd been transformed by the violence. Like he'd become a new, and dangerous, creature.

All of them had been rattled by it. She knew that Morgan, Emily and Garcia had decided to try to drown the memory of what they'd experienced today with alcohol. They'd gone directly from the BAU to the local FBI bar. The more seasoned Rossi was holed up with Section Chief Strauss in her office, presumably fighting for the righteousness of Hotch's kill. And Reid….he'd drifted off without a word to anyone. Simply made his way silently out of the BAU. The fact that he'd left without anyone hearing him told JJ that it had been a purposeful, solitary escape. His cane usually announced his arrivals and exits. He'd managed to keep it from doing so today.

She was worried about him, being alone. Despite what others might think, JJ knew how sensitive and emotional he really was. He took things personally, whether his own traumas or those of the people he cared about. And, she knew, he cared very much about Hotch. She'd watched his attachment with their unit chief grow over the years. She knew it was born of mutual respect, and trust. And she'd witnessed it being cemented with Reid's experience in the shack, and Hotch's role in saving him. And, although they'd never openly discussed it, she also suspected Hotch had played a major role in saving Reid another time…that time when he'd been lost to the team…and then found.

She debated calling or texting him. But he'd made a point of leaving without saying goodbye to anyone. Maybe that was a message. If he wanted to be alone, she didn't want to intrude. And she really was spent, herself.

"Cher?" Will interrupted her reverie. She didn't realize she'd been in it until he called her out.

"Hmm? Sorry…what?"

"I said, maybe we should do something about it. You know, about how lucky we are to be together. Maybe we should make it permanent. What do you say?"

JJ closed her eyes in frustration. He'd proposed twice before. Once, when she told him she was pregnant and again, right after Henry was born. She'd put him off both times.

"We're together. Why do we need a piece of paper?" It was all she'd ever said to him.

A terse, superficial external response. But, each time, his question had triggered a much longer, much deeper, internal conversation.

_What's stopping me? Why don't I agree to marry him? It's not like either of us is going anywhere. And we have Henry. He's a good man. He makes me…._

But he didn't, really. He didn't make her happy. He didn't make her unhappy, either. But their relationship was built more on circumstance than anything else. They liked each other well enough. They satisfied one another. _Maybe that's all it really is, anyway. Maybe I'm holding out for something that doesn't really exist._ But it always felt like there was …something….that was just beyond reach. And she couldn't keep herself from wanting to find out what it was. _Maybe I'm being a fool. Maybe I'll wake up one day and realize I've waited all my life just to look over the next horizon and find...nothing._

She didn't have that internal conversation this time. Tonight, she was just annoyed.

_Hotch loses the woman he loved in the most tragic way possible…and you think that makes it a good time to talk about marriage?_

But all she said was, "I can't talk about it now, Will. It's been too long a day. I just need a shower and bed."

* * *

In his darkened apartment, Reid sat still, silent, staring out the window at the lights of the city. Even though he was surrounded by death on a daily basis, this particular death, and the way it had happened, and the people affected by it, and what it would do to them….all of it consumed his thoughts.

_She was alive one second. And the next, not. He had hope for their future…and a split second later, it was gone. His whole life changed in an instant. And hers ended. Maybe his ended, too.  
_

It was almost unfathomable. How life, and death, could be separated by a fleeting moment in time. How one's entire world, one's entire life, might spin around that single moment. How one could long to retrieve that moment, and spend eternity in the moment before.

He'd seen Hotch, afterward. The man was barely recognizable. Partly because of the blood, and the trauma to his face. But mostly because of the internal trauma, the mark left on his soul. It had changed his whole appearance, from the inside. It changed how he carried himself, how he sounded, the look of his eyes. Those eyes, once piercing, were now shaded, and dull. Reid wondered if he would ever again see the man he knew as Aaron Hotchner.

As he did with all things human, the young genius tried to understand his senior's pain. Maybe, if he could really empathize, he might be able to help the man find a way back. But Reid had never been in the kind of relationship Hotch had just lost. All he'd ever done was to yearn for it.

_Maybe yearning is a little bit like losing. After all, we're both left 'without'. So maybe I do understand it, a little. He's lost the person who made him happy to wake up every day. He's lost the person who really cared about what he thought, and hoped, and dreamed. He's lost the person who made him want to be better, every day. He's lost the person who made him happy to be alive._

Reid knew it wasn't really the same. Having had that person in one's life and then losing her had to be far more devastating than never having had her at all. It was hard to mourn what never existed. But not, he knew, impossible.

_I wonder if he'll come back. But I don't know how he can. How can someone get through something like this?_

Forgetting that he was, himself, evidence that tragedy, and trauma, could be overcome.

In a reflex move, he reached for his phone…again. He'd done it repeatedly, unconsciously needing to reach out. But each time he'd turned it on, each time he'd called up her name, he'd seen that other text. SHE'S FINE. The message that may as well have said, 'stay away'. And then he would put his phone back down.

_I can't blame him, I guess. He has the kind of relationship I only wish I had. I probably wouldn't want someone intruding on us when one of us was hurt, like she was. And definitely not at a time like this. Something like this makes you want to reach out to somebody you care about and hold on for dear life. Too bad the person I care most about is probably holding onto someone else right now._

He wasn't sure JJ had even seen the text. She'd said nothing about it. And he certainly wasn't about to bring it up. Maybe Will had deleted the entire message string from her phone. But, whether or not _she_ knew about it, _he_ did. And he'd gotten the message. He wouldn't intrude.

He would just sit, still, and silent, and staring.

* * *

_How can this day be so sweet? The sun shining, the birds sounding. Don't they know?_

JJ and the other mourners filed in behind the Hotchner family. The men of the BAU, and Will in an honorary role, served as pallbearers for Hayley. Spence, JJ knew, was irritated at not being physically whole enough to help carry her. But he walked beside Morgan as the casket was brought to the graveside.

As the cleric finished the prayers and blessings, Hotch drew a piece of paper from his vest pocket. He intended to give a eulogy of sorts for the woman he'd loved, the mother of his child. He spoke of what she would have wanted, and how she would be remembered. And then he read from the songbook of the operetta that had drawn them together all those years ago.

JJ stood with Will's arm around her waist, her hand covering his, random and not-so-random thoughts running through her brain.

_So funny…the idea of Hotch in a musical. I would love to have seen that! Look at Jack. Poor, motherless, Jack. Does he even understand? How did Hotch tell him? How did he decide to have him here? How does a son say goodbye to his mother? What if it had been me? What if it is me, some day? What if Will has to tell Henry he no longer has a mother?_

Her eyes wandered the crowd. Emily, sniffling, trying not to look like she was crying. Garcia, clinging to Morgan's hand, making no pretense about the tears flowing freely down her cheeks. Rossi, studying his good friend Aaron, no doubt wondering about the man's future.

And there, just a little in front of her, so close she could touch him….Spence. Tears brimmed his eyes as he stared at the grave and listened to his leader's words. She could see him swallow his grief as he kept his face stoic. He looked so vulnerable. The cane at his side, and the hitch in his step when he walked, made him look fragile. And, even though it was only inches that separated him from the others, he looked lone. Solitary. Sad.

When it was over, and they'd each given Hayley one last flower, JJ turned to leave. She saw Spence in the distance, and knew that he had separated himself from the others prematurely. She called his name once. But the dark-coated figure just kept walking, as steadily as his infirmity would allow.


	28. Chapter 28

**Prelude**

**Chapter 28**

It was ridiculous. They were all at the reception following Hayley's funeral when JJ's cell sounded. The FBI had been informed of a serial killer with a rapid turn-around time. The BAU's services were urgently needed.

"Tell them to send another team," urged Reid.

But the message had already dismissed that possibility. "There's none available. It has to be us."

Perversely, each of them flashed on a mental image of Hotch getting on the jet with them, to lead them on this next case. Even, maybe especially, Morgan, who'd been given charge of the team. He'd stepped in for Hotch very successfully in the past, and had agreed to do so again, hoping that it was just that…stepping in, and not replacing.

Morgan went to make their excuses to Hotch, who was engaged in conversation with Rossi. The grieving unit chief verbalized his understanding of the situation, and reiterated his confidence in Morgan's ability to lead the team in his absence.

The others made their way slowly out to their vehicles. Most of them had traveled separately, not expecting to be called out from a funeral. JJ walked with Will to their car, and grabbed the go bag she always kept nearby.

"I'll catch a ride to the airport with one of the others. They can drop me home when we get back." There wouldn't be time for her to go home to collect her own car.

"All right. You be careful, Cher. You know I don't like you leavin', especially now. You come home to me and our little man soon as you can."

She smiled as she hugged and kissed him goodbye. "And you know I don't like to be away from Henry a minute longer than I have to."

She watched and waved as he pulled away from the curb, then made her way over to where the others were still waiting for Morgan.

"Catch a ride to the airport?" She'd directed her words to Reid, who was still holding himself apart from where the others were talking.

He gave her a small smile. "Sure."

He opened the door for her to deposit her bag. As she placed it inside, JJ was met with a sight that told her exactly how little time she and Reid had spent together recently. The back seat was littered with coffee cups, receipts, books, and assorted other papers. She'd known of his vehicle's reputation, but apparently he'd always cleaned it out for her before.

He became aware that it was taking her a long time to perform a simple task, and realized she was looking at the mess. Embarrassed, he tried to reach in from the other side and scoop some of it up. But he had only the one good leg, and he couldn't keep his balance without the cane.

"Spence…stop. You don't need to do that for me. Besides, here's Morgan. We'll need to get going."

Their temporary unit chief gave them a short briefing on the case, and then they all dispersed, to meet directly at the airport, thirty minutes away.

The ride began in silence, each of them still processing the funeral and the unbelievable fact that they had already been called back to work. JJ stole a few sideways glances at her partner as he drove, and saw the same firm set of his jaw that she'd seen at the graveside.

_At least I've had Will to vent with. I_ _'_ _ll bet Spence has held this completely inside. _

She could tell from his look that this was not a good thing, and decided to try to draw him out.

"I missed you the other day. You were already gone by the time I got down to the bullpen."

"There was no point in sticking around."

_Really._ "Well….I was thinking we might talk a little bit, you know? I was _hoping_ we could."

He looked surprised when he turned to her. "You were?"

"Of course, Spence. God, it was so awful. So awful." Closing her eyes against the mental image. "I can't even….. And I just wanted to talk with my best friend about it. I thought maybe you might, too."

He shook his head, ever so slightly, as he turned his gaze back to the road.

"I thought you'd want to get home to Will. I thought you'd probably need him. And I didn't want to go and get drunk, like the others." Maybe he should qualify that, he thought. "Not that I blame them, mind you. It's just….it wasn't what I wanted to do. So I just left."

She sighed. "It's not that I didn't want to get home to Henry and Will. Of course I did. How could I think about Hayley, and Jack and Hotch without thinking about my own family? But I…."

She'd stopped abruptly, and he didn't understand why.

"You what?"

She hesitated, feeling strange about what she was about to say. Because Reid was right. She _should_ have wanted to seek solace from Will.

"I guess I thought that only those of us who'd been there, who'd heard…..and seen…..I thought we were the only ones who could really understand. I didn't think Will would really know how I felt. But I thought you would."

He was silent for a while, taking that in. She'd needed him every bit as much as he'd needed her. Even though she had a lover waiting at home for her. Reid pondered, once again, the complexity of relationships among human beings.

He cleared his throat, but still only managed a squeak. "Me too."

JJ squinted her confusion. "You too, what?"

More forcefully now. "I needed you."

"Well, then, why didn't you call…"

He turned his head to throw her a look, and she understood. He hadn't reached out because he thought she was reaching out to someone else.

She shook her head in regret. "Well…we're talking about it now, aren't we?"

He acknowledged it. "I guess we are. So, how are you doing?"

She gave him a sad smile, acknowledging their foolishness, while also acknowledging the situation.

"Terrible."

"Oh. Good. Me too."

That produced a wry chuckle. "We are a match made in heaven, aren't we? We have so much in common."

He was cynical. "If you count being miserable, yes."

"Not so much miserable, Spence. Just sad. And overwhelmed."

Now he was curious. "Why overwhelmed?"

She turned her face away, sorry she'd used the word. She _was_ feeling overwhelmed. But it was a tender subject to discuss, even with Spence. Still….if not to him, she knew she'd never speak it to anyone.

"It's just…..everything. That we just came from Hayley Hotchner's funeral. That Hotch killed Foyet. That we listened to…"

She had to break off there.

It was the thing that wouldn't go away. Listening to that final, three way conversation among Hotch, Hayley and Foyet. Hearing the dreaded crack of the gunshot. But mostly, for JJ, the thing that stayed with her was how calmly Hayley had spoken to her son Jack, in Foyet's presence. How she'd hugged him, and told him she loved him, even as she'd known she was about to be killed. And how she'd done it without crying, so she wouldn't scare her son. In that moment, Hayley had become a hero to JJ, the living...and then, dead...example of mother-love.

"JJ? You okay?"

She brushed at her eyes. "Yeah. It's just…" And she told him.

When she was done, Reid blew between pursed lips. "Wow. I don't think I even picked up on that…at least, not the way you did." He chanced a look in her direction. "And you were wondering if you have it in you to do the same thing." A statement, not a question. He knew her very well.

She nodded, and sniffed.

"Not me."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, there's not a question in my mind. You love Henry with…ferocity, I guess, is the word. I see it whenever we're together. I don't doubt for a minute that you would do anything you had to for him….anything at all. Not for a minute. Not for a nanosecond."

He was so firm, so adamant. She had no choice but to believe him. But still…

"But….. I guess." She smiled her appreciation at his confidence in her, then immediately sobered. "But it was so awful, Spence. Oh, my God, I can't imagine what it was like for her. And for Hotch….."

He swallowed. "I know. I don't know how he can live through this, JJ. I mean….. hearing the woman you love be killed by the very person you've dedicated your life to putting away. Knowing he's doing it just to hurt you. That he's treating her like a pawn, like something that doesn't really matter at all."

He shook his head, still unable to get past that, past the inhumanity. But there was more. "And Foyet was so smug about it. Like he knew that he was taking the rest of Hotch's life away from him."

That was it, exactly. Not that a person couldn't recover from a personal loss. Not that husbands and wives didn't survive each other all the time. But that, with the purposeful taking of this one life, in the way that he'd done it, and making sure who would witness it….he'd taken the other life as well. He'd taken the survivor.

"I hate him, JJ. I hate Foyet."

He heard her prepare to speak, and cut her off.

"I _know_ he's dead. And I still hate him. If I thought he had an immortal soul, I would curse it."

She studied him for a moment, uncomfortable with what he was saying. But mostly uncomfortable that it was Spence saying it.

"Don't you always say that it's their illness that drives them? That they only do these things because they're sick?

"Not Foyet. He was perfectly sane. He was just a sociopath. He had choices along the way. And he made them. Now let him rot with them."

She'd never heard him speak this way about one of their perpetrators before, and it unsettled her. And, despite the vehemence of his words, she could see that it unsettled him as well.

"Spence?"

He cast her a quick, embarrassed glance. "I don't know. You're right, I've never felt this way before. Not about one of our unsubs, anyway. I've never felt this kind of….it's not even anger, it's…rage. It's _rage_. I think I know exactly how Hotch must have been feeling. That this ….I don't even want to call him a man….. that Foyet could just decide to take what he held most precious in the world. And then gloat over it." He shook his head, reliving it. "God, JJ. I just…. I don't know."

She heard the subtext. He'd scared himself, having not thought himself capable of that strength of violent emotion. In truth, he was scaring her as well. JJ leaned over and rubbed his arm, needing the connection, needing to offer a small gesture of comfort.

Reid's empathy with the people they hunted didn't always come naturally to her. But she respected that he felt it, and that he so often voiced it. It felt like he maintained faith in humanity on the part of the whole team. He kept it up when the rest of them were struggling. It gave JJ, and the rest, something to come back to after the heat of the case ended. Something that reminded them that human beings weren't so depraved, so callous, so evil. Just broken. So to hear Spence speaking this way about Foyet felt like it threatened a world view that she'd come to value. One that sustained her in her job.

She sat, quietly, absorbing his words. Then, "Are you saying that you think some of us are inherently evil?"

He kept his eyes on the road. "I'm saying that I think Foyet was."

At her protracted silence, he asked, "You don't agree?"

She met his eyes, briefly, responding in a quiet voice. "I guess I'd come around to how you always said it was. That they were sick. I took that to mean that humans were inherently good, if flawed. So….I don't know…it's a little scary to hear what you're saying now."

_And it's rattling me to hear it coming from you._

"It's just the truth. I think Foyet was different from the others. Mostly with the element of choice. The unsubs we find who are so sick…they have no choice. They certainly wouldn't have chosen the illness, or the delusions. But Foyet….. everything about how he worked indicated it was _all_ about choice. He challenged Boston PD by vowing not to kill if they stopped looking for him. And then he stopped, because they met his demand. _For ten years_, he stopped. Someone operating out of a compulsion couldn't have done that. So, yes….I think he actively chose to torment Hotch, to torture both of them with that phone call…and then to kill Hayley."

She followed his train of thought. "But, unlike our typical unsub, he didn't get any great satisfaction or release from killing her. Just from the pain he knew he was inflicting on Hotch."

Reid drew a deep breath.

"It's more than that. I think Foyet might have actually _wanted_ Hotch to kill him. Because he was smart enough to know the kind of man Hotch is. He profiled us every bit as much as we profiled him. And he knew he could inflict the greatest pain on Hotch by making sure he survived, to live with the guilt. To have to think that, in the end, they weren't really so different."

JJ squinted at him, not sure she understood. Or agreed.

"You think he purposely let Hotch kill him? I don't know, Spence. From what Emily said, Hotch was pretty much out of his mind when they came upon him. He was very actively beating Foyet to death."

Reid nodded. "I know. Morgan told me the same thing. I'm not saying that Hotch wouldn't have done it anyway. But, think about it, JJ. Foyet could have easily just surrendered himself. And, why wouldn't he? He'd already escaped prison once. He might have been able to do it again."

"You think he goaded Hotch into killing him. Because he knew Hotch would have trouble living with himself." She thought a moment longer. "But isn't that a sickness in itself, Spence? I mean….. how could he enjoy it if he was dead?"

Reid had thought long and hard about this.

"Foyet was probably the most brilliant profiler I've ever encountered. He may have rivaled Gideon. He knew how to engage his victims, he knew how to manipulate the police. And he knew how to manipulate us. Including, and maybe even especially, Hotch. He knew how Hotch would respond to every last taunt he launched at him. And he knew how Hotch would react, afterward. That was all Foyet wanted. He didn't need to see it play out. He knew he'd already won. And, besides…"

This was something Reid had only theorized to himself. But the more he'd thought about it, the more he thought he was right.

"I think Foyet knew he'd gone too far with harming himself. That he'd done too much to his body. I don't think he had all that much time left anyway. And I think he knew it."

"You think Hotch killed him, but he would have died anyway?" She was aghast at the implications.

Reid nodded. "I think he wanted Hotch to think that he was no different from him…from Foyet, I mean. That he has as much evil pent up in himself as Foyet had."

JJ was stunned by the turn of their conversation. She'd been so focused on the sorrow associated with Hotch losing his ex, and Jack his mother. She'd not even thought about how Hotch might be at risk of losing himself. But if what Spence was saying was true, it threatened their supervisor's self-image. His ego. Maybe his soul. She became concerned, in a whole new way, for the man she considered her leader, and friend.

She shivered, chilled by the thought. "God, Spence. I'm never leaving you alone again. You go to a scary place when you're on your own."

She watched as he just continued to look forward, that firm set to his jaw still there. Worried about him in a new way, she asked, "Spence…..are you still in that place?"

His voice was so low she almost couldn't hear him. "Can't seem to find my way out, JJ."

There wasn't time for anything more, as they'd just pulled into the airport parking lot. Reid found a spot, and they both got out, ready to retrieve their travel bags. But before they did, JJ made her way around to the other side of the car.

"Spence." He was bent, trying to reach for his bag and his cane while he balanced himself on the seat. At her voice, he straightened as best he could.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you the other night. I wish I had. Because I really needed you. I really needed to talk about this with you. But, mostly…mostly, I just really needed to be close to somebody who understood. To you. I needed my best friend."

He gave her a regretful smile. "Likewise."

"So, maybe you're in a dark place. Maybe we both are. But it will be easier to find our way out together, don't you think?"

She'd led him out before. He'd learned that her words, her touch, her many kindnesses could serve as a beacon whenever he'd been lost in the shadows. But things were different now. She had a family, and he wasn't a part of it.

"How?"

JJ didn't think it was all that different. She opened her arms. "I think it starts like this."

Drawn as a flower to sunlight, Reid stumbled forward into her embrace. He hadn't realized how detached the whole ordeal had made him feel until he held her, and felt connected again. Grounded, in a way, after he'd nearly lost his tether.

JJ felt the newly-acquired strength in the arms that held her, the power of emotion equally as strong as that of sinew. She'd been right. This was the kind of comfort Will hadn't been able to give her.

It lasted less than a minute, this respite from the depths. Then they silently broke apart, and made their way together to the plane. Duty called.


	29. Chapter 29

**Prelude**

**Chapter 29**

_Finally. Maybe. I hope.  
_

Reid was actually jumping the gun a little. His physical therapist had told him he'd probably be ready to get rid of the cane in another few weeks after their final session. Reid had taken that as permission, and ditched the cane a few days later.

_Well, he said I would know when it was time. So, maybe I know._

Such had been his internal conversation at home this morning. The conversation on the plane was taking a different turn.

"Where's your cane?" JJ stood in the aisle, next to his seat, a disapproving look on her face.

He didn't try to meet her eye. "I don't need it anymore."

"Look at me." She waited him out, satisfied when he finally raised his gaze. "Did your therapist say you didn't need it? Or did "Dr. Reid" decide?"

Making finger quotes around his name. She was aware he'd faked his permission to fly several months ago.

"I don't need it, JJ. I've finished physical therapy, and the therapist said I would know when to let it go."

"Spence, just last week I watched you grimacing every time you took a step down the stairs."

"No one said it wouldn't hurt. Just that I wouldn't need the cane for balance anymore. And besides, I'm tired of being a hindrance. I need to get back in the field. We're a man down."

Happily, Hotch had made the decision to return to the BAU. But that return would be delayed, as he attended to the emotional needs of his son. JJ hoped he might also acknowledge his own emotional needs, and attend to them as well.

"Well…. okay. But don't overdo it. You don't want that knee to go out and set you back." She started to walk away, but then turned and added, "And don't think for a minute that I'm falling for that. Your therapist didn't tell you to throw the cane away this week."

Reid barely suppressed a guilty grin. "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

He limped his way through several cases, but Reid staked his claim in the field. He may not have been as fast or as agile as the others, but, then, he never had been. So he was just happy to think that he was contributing to the team in the absence of its grieving leader.

He'd been worried that Hotch might not return to the BAU, partly for selfish reasons. He'd worried that the man would founder if he didn't return to the work that seemed to give meaning to his life. But the young agent was also concerned about his own place on the team.

Reid realized that he needed Hotch in a way that the others didn't. He'd already lost a mentor. He'd navigated the rocky waters of Gideon's abandonment only because Hotch had foreseen it, and stepped in. In his more insightful moments, Reid realized his good fortune. Aaron Hotchner was much more grounded than Gideon had ever been. And he knew how to cultivate the talent, and psyche, of each member of his team. He did so with a very young, very inexperienced, very brilliant, junior agent, successfully helping him to mature and grow in his role. But, as much as Reid had established his place on the team, he still looked for guidance, and approval, from his team leader. The possibility of having to move on without Hotch had shaken him.

_But,_ he'd argued to himself, _you're an adult._ _It's long since time to be acting like one. And besides, doesn't Hotch look to you for answers? Doesn't he respect your opinion? You should have at least as much confidence in yourself as he has in you._

Not that Reid didn't trust his knowledge. That was a given. It was the nuances he struggled with. The times when a far less stilted set of life experiences might have come in handy. But Reid's early life had been so unusual, so isolated from the mainstream by his genius and his mother's illness, that he sometimes struggled to apply the vast knowledge that he acquired so easily. For a long time, he'd been better at reading their unsubs than he had their victims.

It was different now. He'd matured in both attitude and ability. He just hadn't let go of the need for external approval. But he knew that his failure to let go added to Hotch's burden of responsibility. For the sake of making the senior agent's return to the team just a bit easier, Reid determined to show his confidence and ability to act independently.

And so it was that Spencer Reid decided to relinquish his emotional crutch, and his walking cane, at the same time.

* * *

JJ's weren't the only brows that went up. Reid had just announced that he was going to visit the psychiatrist father of their potential unsub. Announced it. Not asked permission or waited to be assigned. From the angry and accusatory tone of his voice, it was clear he planned to confront the man about why he'd subjected his young daughter to electroconvulsive treatments all those years ago.

Hotch, newly returned to working away cases, was wary. He'd seen some positive changes in Reid, but worried that his genius was acting purely out of emotion this time. Not wanting to squelch the burgeoning show of confidence, but not wanting the young man's brashness to get him into trouble, Hotch assigned Rossi to accompany Reid. The more experienced agent would be able to tame the fire in his younger colleague, should it become necessary.

JJ was thoughtful as she watched the two of them depart. There was something about Spence's tone, and the emotional vehemence behind his words, that was a little...intoxicating. Righteous anger looked good on Spencer Reid.

* * *

"Good job, Agent Reid."

Reid barely got his "Thanks," out to Rossi. He felt too overwhelmed. He'd taken a chance, confronting their female unsub's father. On a hunch…a very strong hunch, but a hunch nonetheless….Reid had pursued what seemed a minor detail in the office décor. He'd long since deduced that the man was a pedophile. But how he was going to get that information on the table was another question.

Reid noticed something about the playthings in the office, and mentally made the connection with the playthings their unsub was trying to make of the women she'd kidnapped. He made an educated stab in the dark….and hit his target. Then, armed with the location where the women were being held, he and Rossi met up with a SWAT team on site.

Reid started to defer to the more seasoned agent, but Rossi insisted the young genius finish what he'd started. He'd seen the look of triumph in Reid's face when the father confessed, and wanted to feed the well-earned confidence he knew was growing within.

Once inside, Reid was back on familiar ground. He knew how to speak to the broken. He cajoled the former child victim, enticed her with her old toys, and thus won freedom for her captives. He'd saved three lives, and maybe others yet unknown.

Later, on the plane, JJ overheard a conversation taking place on the other side of her seatback.

"He really didn't need me, Aaron. He had it. And he kept it reined in. I know you were worried about that. But he knew exactly what to show to that son-of-a-bitch, and what to hold back."

She heard Hotch take in and release a deep breath. "You know, I don't know if I'd rather still be needed or not. But…. no, nevermind. Forget I said that. I'm sure. It's 'not'."

Rossi laughed. Keeping her eyes on the magazine in her lap, JJ smiled.

* * *

There was nothing like being in front of a room full of sullen teenagers to help wash one's new-found confidence right down the drain.

Reid and Morgan had been sent into a high school classroom to try to break a cycle of suicides happening as part of a bizarre on-line game. And the classroom was decidedly resistant. Reid was almost relieved when one of the students made a run for it, and he and Morgan had to give chase.

Their escapee had proven to be their unsub, of sorts. But, as was so often true, this particular unsub was himself a victim, the coerced partner in a bizarre case of Munchausen's-by-proxy. Reid's misadventure in the classroom was forgotten in the tumult of trying to salvage this one lost soul. It wouldn't come without a price, but the teen was removed from the dangerous care of his mentally ill father.

* * *

On the plane, Reid's question shook the pensive look from JJ's face.

"You okay?"

"Fine. Why?"

He took the seat across from her. "Oh, maybe because you've been staring out the window and fingering that necklace for the past ten minutes. Maybe because you turned into our resident expert on teen suicide all through this case." He leaned forward so only she could hear him. "And because I thought maybe it had resurrected some memories…you know?"

JJ closed her eyes and sighed. "It did."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about, Spence. We've had teen suicides before, and we'll probably have them again. I'll get there."

He sat back. "Maybe you will. But, still…I'm sorry."

She sent him a quick grin of gratitude, but wanted desperately to change the subject. They were on treacherous emotional ground, and she didn't like losing her composure in front the rest of the team.

"So, how did it go in the classroom? Any chance we'll lose you to teaching high school?"

That produced the expected snort. "You should have seen them, JJ. No, wait. Scratch that. I'm glad you didn't see them. I'm glad you didn't see _me_. I must have flashed on every bad experience I had in high school while I was standing up there talking to them."

_Except that this time they didn't lure me to the football field and humiliate me._

"Was high school really that bad, Spence?"

He'd not shared with her what he'd shared with Morgan. JJ's own experiences in high school had been relatively benign, even if traces of the fallout from her sister's suicide had still lingered in the air.

"I was eleven when I started high school, twelve when I finished."

He saw her eyes widen. "Yes, I did it in two years. And I didn't hit my growth spurt until I was seventeen. I was the shortest kid there, at the same weight I am now. Getting a mental picture yet?"

"Oooh. Okay. I get it now. They weren't exactly embracing of differences then, I guess. "

"To put it mildly. There were some days I felt like I might not survive to graduation."

"But you did." She smiled at the thought.

"Only because of Mrs. Higgins." He looked out the window of the plane, a soft smile on his face.

"Mrs. Higgins?"

"She was one of the guidance counselors. Only lasted the one year. I guess Las Vegas high schools are notorious for doing in their counselors."

"But she helped you?"

He nodded. "She let me come to her office to do my work. She could tell I didn't really need the classroom time, and she realized…..thank God ….that I wasn't safe there. So she kept me away from the others, until I could take finals and get out of there."

It sounded like JJ was finally hearing about one of the few people who'd stepped up to help the young Spencer Reid. And, despite the fact that they would never meet, she decided she was a fan of Mrs. Higgins.

Reid was looking out the window now, reminiscing. "I actually tried to look her up once, but I couldn't find her. I never knew where she went after she left the high school. And I couldn't find any trace of her on line."

"Maybe Garcia could help."

Reid shook his head. "I thought of that. But I decided to respect her privacy. I'm sure she doesn't want all her former students stalking her."

JJ sat back. "Well, if you ever do run into her, tell her I'm glad she took such good care of you."

He was still remembering. "That, she did."

JJ couldn't help but wonder. "Spence….did she know about your home life?" Not understanding why, if she did, she had let him continue to go home to it.

"She knew about it. I didn't have to tell her. I think it was kind of 'out there', you know? The school knew. So did the middle school that I attended for about a minute. And the elementary school. The social workers and the principals all encountered my mother at one time or another. And the social workers sometimes called child welfare. But they always made the mistake of telling me, thinking I would be happy that they were trying to save me. They didn't understand that I would go home and clean things up, and do my damnedest to make us look good."

They were at a topic that had long been of interest to JJ. Reid hadn't been home schooled. He hadn't been one of those kids who are completely hidden from society. He'd been known. And, it seemed, his predicament had been known as well. Why hadn't the adults in his life saved him? More to the point, why hadn't he wanted to be saved?

"Why, Spence? If your mother was so sick, why didn't you want the help?"

His look challenged her. "They didn't want to help, JJ. They wanted to take me away. They didn't want to help _her_ at all."

Understanding dawned. "So you made sure you could stay with her, so _you_ could help her."

"No one else was going to do it."

JJ turned her head away, staring out at a cloud-filled sky. Young Spencer had been so attached to his mentally ill mother that he'd rather have lived a meager, crazy life with her than be 'saved' without her. Did it speak to a young boy's empathy? Or was there something unique about the mother/son bond that made it unbreakable? She couldn't help but hope so.

It wasn't long before they had a case that made both of them ask the question all over again.

* * *

"I'm a man of science. I put my faith in facts, and statistics. But this….this is as close to a miracle as I've ever seen."

Reid actually reached out and touched Sarah Hillridge in what might have looked like a gesture of assurance. But it wasn't. Ever since his conversation with JJ, he'd been thinking about his mother. And then this case caused all of them to marvel at the tie between this particular mother and her son. This mother who for years had maintained her faith in her son, in his very existence. Who had maintained that faith despite being abandoned by the rest of her family, and friends. Despite having fallen into an addiction to alcohol.

She'd stood fast until she could get others to stand with her. And the first of those 'others' had been a young FBI agent, herself a new mother of a young son.

Now, Reid reached out and touched Sarah, thinking all the while of Diana. In all the years of his youth, and all the years since, he hadn't quite worked out how she'd managed it. How, despite being besieged by her demons, she'd managed to teach him love. And yet, she had.

"With a mother like you, who did all this, I think he'll be fine."

When it was all over, he found JJ in her office.

"Knock, knock."

She looked up from the file on her desk.

"Hey, Spence. What a day, huh?"

He helped himself to the seat beside her desk. "It wouldn't have been any kind of day if you hadn't paid attention to Sarah. You should be proud of yourself. Three families have their kids back because of you."

"Because of Sarah, you mean."

"Because of Sarah, yes. But also because of you. If you hadn't listened to her…. which was hard, I know. She's been here a lot, hasn't she? It would have been easy to tune her out. But you didn't. You listened. And you fought for it. You made the rest of us listen too. You did this, JJ. You and Sarah."

JJ let a small smile cross her face. "I hope they'll be okay. I mean….. I don't know how they _can_ be, they were apart for so long. And Charlie's been through so much. Sarah, too. I don't know…"

"I guess we can't know. But at least they have the chance now."

She put her pen down and leaned back, needing to vent something that had been on her mind.

"I think about Henry, you know? I think about….what if it happened to us? What if we were separated? Could we live through that? And… I just don't know."

Reid shifted himself forward in his seat, leaning his forearms on his knees. "I don't know how anyone lives through most of what we deal with. But they do. And I know that if, God forbid, you and Henry should be separated….well, I know you'd move heaven and hell to get him back. And you'd have company doing it."

She smiled in understanding. "Thanks. I count on it." She waved away the inference. "Not that I think we'd be separated. But I count on having you on our side, no matter what we're up against. I picked you, after all."

She'd said it to him many times. 'I picked you.' Not 'we', but 'I'. He'd never asked, but he'd noticed.

"Well, you have good taste." It was his standard response in the exchange.

As he started to rise, JJ stopped him.

"Spence..can I ask you a question?"

He teased her. "Technically, you just did. So the correct statement would have been, 'Can I ask you two questions?' or 'Can I ask you multiple questions?'"

"Technically, can I just throw something at you?"

He laughed. "All right, touche. What did you want to ask?"

She was a little uncomfortable bringing it up, but somehow it seemed important for her to know the answer.

"It's about you and your mother."

Even though it was JJ, Reid's defenses immediately started rising. He did his best to tamp them back down.

"What about us?"

She had trouble maintaining eye contact. "I just….I thought it was so remarkable, when you said you'd rather be with her than not, even though her illness was so severe. And I wondered….. how did that happen? How did you and she form such a strong connection?"

He studied her, and the eyes that weren't making contact with his.

"You're not worried about Henry loving you, are you?" Amazed that she would think there could be anyone who wouldn't love her._  
_

She blushed, caught out. "I'm not… That's not true. Of course I am. I think every mother worries about whether her child will love her."

"Well, you shouldn't be. And, to answer your question…..she didn't do anything. I just loved her. She was all I knew. And…she gave me life, JJ. She didn't have to do that."

Briefly, JJ's mind tried to flash on a world without Spencer Reid in it. On her life without Spencer Reid in it. And she was grateful to Diana.

And then she remembered what it had been like when she'd found out she was pregnant with Henry. How she'd tried so hard to make a dispassionate decision, only to be thwarted by overwhelming emotion. And she knew. Maybe she had something in common with Diana Reid after all.

"Yes, she did."

He didn't understand. "She did what?"

"She gave you life because she had to. She fell in love with you before you were even born, Spence. That's how she gave it to you. She may not have been able to express it to you later, but she infused you with it, all during that time you were so connected. She fell in love with you in the womb."

He was quiet, stunned by how much her words resonated with something he'd always felt, but never been able to articulate. His mother had been ill for his entire life. He'd never lived a day with a completely healthy Diana. But he'd known her. Known she was there, locked within. He'd spent much of his younger life trying to release her. But he'd never understood how he'd known her at all.

She watched as a sad smile spread across Reid's face. It brightened when he looked up at her.

"Well then, it seems my godson and I have something in common."

* * *

** _A.N. I watched these episodes again while writing this. That scene at the end of "Risky Business", where JJ tells Hotch about the necklace, is pure gold, as is nearly every scene with her in Mosley Lane. So wishing we had seen more of that JJ along the way. I think she's the one Reid fell in love with.  
_ **


	30. Chapter 30

**Prelude**

**Chapter 30**

"What, did you join a boy band?"

JJ turned quickly to her smartboard so Spence wouldn't see her smile. Hotch had just voiced the exact words that had come into her head when Reid entered the round table room.

_Oh, my God, what did you do? Not that it's not cute, but..really?_

His minutes-late arrival had interrupted JJ's case presentation. She studiously avoided looking in Reid's direction so she could keep her mind on the task at hand. Someone was murdering young, professional women, and it appeared social networking sites might be playing a role.

* * *

"So, spill." JJ approached Reid as he was refilling his coffee in the galley.

"Spill what?"

"Not 'what'. 'Who'. Why did you cut your hair?" Sure there was a 'who' behind it.

He deflected. "So, now I'm confused. Is it 'who' or 'why'?"

"Spence!" She laughed in exasperation. "What made you cut your hair?"

"Back to 'what' are we?" He mocked ducking whatever she was mocking throwing at him. "Nothing. No one. No reason. I just cut it. All right?"

"But it was so…" JJ cut herself off before the 'sexy' left her lips. "…so…. long."

"Exactly. And it was getting warmer outside, so I thought I'd cut it back a little. I just didn't quite expect this." He ruffled the front of his head, where his hair now lay in layers over his forehead. "I guess it's the style….right?"

She wasn't sure she had the heart to tell him. "Well….. it _was_ the style."

"Oh."

* * *

It was torture, for all of them.

Social networking may have played a role in the murders, by telling the unsub when it was safe to murder them. When it would be days before they'd be missed. But that wasn't the only way the internet was involved. It seemed their perpetrator was broadcasting the murders, live, to a wide internet audience. The fact that people were willingly observing, and obviously not reporting, these heinous crimes, was almost as disturbing as the fact that they were being committed.

Garcia had been able to find the unsub's latest feed, just as he arrived on the scene. What seemed like a hopeful situation quickly turned into one of desperation. The video should have allowed them to prevent this newest killing. But, instead, it forced them into becoming an unwilling audience to a theater of death.

They could see the feed, but couldn't find its origin. The victim moving, unsuspecting, through her normal routine, the unsub invading the sanctuary of her home. Surprising her, terrifying her. And then beginning to compress her throat, throttling her life's breath from her body.

Garcia frantically tried to follow the unsub's nefariously reticulated web of decoy and proxy servers, but it was simply too time-consuming a task. It forced Aaron Hotchner into making one of the most difficult decisions of his career.

"Stop the trace. Focus on the chat room. Tag the people in that chat room."

Acknowledging the victim as already lost, even if she was still desperately clawing at her attacker. The only way to find the unsub, he knew, would be through his 'fans'.

Only Garcia reacted aloud, begging permission to continue on the task that might lead directly to the scene. But all of them felt it. The sense that they were abandoning this woman, in the moment of her death. Even as they knew that Hotch was right.

It would have been natural to turn away, to close the window on the computer screen. But each of them remained focused, present in spirit, if not in body. In another circumstance, they might have been taken for the kind of voyeurs who are morbidly drawn to the scene of a tragedy. Not so, in the case of the BAU team. To a person, they felt the obligation to serve as witnesses to the ending of this particular life, one that they had 'known', but could not save. In the moment, it was the only thing they had to offer.

Beside one another, sharing the horrific vision on the same laptop, JJ and Reid sat, stunned, each suppressing an urge to reach out to the other. Somehow it didn't seem right to seek comfort. Not if the victim no longer could.

* * *

"You okay?"

Reid took the seat next to JJ. He knew she was feigning sleep. By now, he knew it was her preferred method of isolating herself when the on-board discussion was too difficult. Not that she never wanted to talk things through. But she preferred a more private exchange, rather than with the whole team. Most of those exchanges happened with Spence. And, since their hot chocolate days were behind them, their traveling time would have to do. Tonight, he thought, she would need him. And he knew he needed her.

She parted her lids just a slit, to be sure he was the only one there before she acknowledged being awake. Satisfied, she opened her eyes, her head still lolling on the seat back.

"No. You?"

"Once again, we have something in common. Do you know the odds of that?"

"Well, since you mostly only ask me questions that you already know the answer to, I'd say those odds were pretty close to one hundred percent."

"Ha. Seriously, how are you doing? I can't remember the last one that was this rough."

She sat all the way up now, looking outward, to where the sun was just setting over the clouds.

"I feel like it made it all real, you know? I mean, we're always called in after someone is dead, if not multiple someones. But it's something that's already happened. It's a little easier to stand apart from it. But this..."

She shifted in her seat.

"I've always thought the times I've been with you guys in the field were pretty difficult experiences. I mean, it's one thing to sort through crime scene photos, like I usually do, and another thing completely to be out there, where it happened. And especially when the victim is still there. But, still…. nothing has ever been like this. It was so surreal... and yet, not. It wasn't like watching something on TV. It was real. It _felt_ real. I could feel her terror, Spence. And to watch, without being able to help... God, it was awful."

He nodded, understanding. "To watch ...and to know what's going to happen, and not be able to stop it. Someone's moment of death... unsuspecting... the evil..."

It was like a music box winding down. His words slowed, became drawn out, softer…and then faded altogether.

"Spence?"

He'd been staring, but now she saw his eyes moving rapidly back and forth, as though he was seeing something with his mind's eye.

"Spence?" She turned to face him, concerned. When he still didn't respond, she shook his shoulder.

"Spence!" A hushed exclamation.

The shaking seemed to bring him back, and he startled, turning to look at her concerned face.

"What? Where did you just go?"

_Afloat the longest river in the world. Denial_. His voice was dull when he responded.

"To the other time I watched somebody die on screen."

Understanding bloomed in JJ's eyes. The shack. He'd been ordered to choose one of Hankel's monitored households to die. And, when he'd refused, and instead chosen one to live, Hankel had forced him to watch the murders of others on screen. Amid all of the physical deprivation, and beatings, and torture, and drugging….this emotional battering had gotten short shrift.

JJ had seen it as well, after Hankel put it on line. She'd demanded that Penelope show it to her. In part, she'd been punishing herself for her perceived role in the situation. And, in part, she'd been finding a way to stand by Reid, by sharing the experience with him. But she'd put it firmly and, she'd hoped, permanently, from her mind. Now, it was back, and demanding attention.

"Oh, God, Spence. I didn't even think…."

He swallowed thickly, shaking his head. "It didn't hit me until just now. Just when I was talking to you about it. That's how good I am at denial, I guess. But then….. God, JJ. I was right back there. Back in that shack, watching…. And it was just like today…I couldn't…. I couldn't.."

She rubbed his arm gently. "I saw it too, you know."

He looked at her, surprised. He'd not known. After he'd been found, he'd been interviewed, and debriefed, and sent to therapy. But he'd never asked about it. Never wanted to know any of the other details of the case, or the investigation. Even after he'd emerged from his addiction, he'd not pursued them. Any intellectual curiosity he might have had was trumped by his need to shield himself from an emotional breakdown.

"How?"

She told him. "And so, I made her show it to me. But she wouldn't watch it. So, I watched it alone."

"Because you knew I had to."

She nodded. "Yes."

Wetness came to both sets of eyes as they remembered that time. The pain of what happened, and the friendship that had come before. It may not have been quite the same now, with their circumstances so different, but the memory of it was heartbreakingly bittersweet.

JJ slid her hand down Reid's arm, and let it fall into his. Their fingers entwined, just fleetingly, before they broke apart. Then JJ feigned sleep again, this time letting her head fall against Reid's shoulder. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes as well, joining her in false slumber, each of them unknowingly sharing a similar, waking dream.


	31. Chapter 31

**Prelude**

**Chapter 31**

If JJ felt shaken by that last case, she didn't show it. If anything, she pursued her work with a greater strength of purpose, a deeper determination to find the source of the evil and put an end to it.

_It's so strange. For so long I couldn't quite understand how Spence could manage to sympathize with our unsubs. And then, when I finally begin to understand, he tells me that he thinks we've found somebody truly evil in Foyet. That sure turned the tables. There I was, trying to make the case that even Foyet was damaged. And making it to Spence! But now… now that I've seen it actually happening… now that I've seen someone murdered so coldly, and so indifferently….. I think I'm back to where I started. Except now, I'm also angry._

Reid saw it in her. There was a definite change. Externally, it only showed in the set of her face as she presented a case, or the tone of her voice. Sometimes the words she used. But he saw it. Almost a hardening, of sorts. He understood why it was happening. He even understood that it might be helpful to her. Maybe even protective, like a shell. But he also knew that what could make a person unbreakable could also render them untouchable, impenetrable. Those words, in Reid's mind, should never apply to JJ. He worried about the changes.

When they were called to the case in California, the mettle of JJ's shell was tested. Someone was taking advantage of rolling power blackouts to break into homes and kill, often without apparent reason, and often in the most violent way.

They'd long since exhausted all the available case information. The time remaining in the long transcontinental flight would be up to the individuals to put to use. As she passed by his seat, JJ wasn't surprised to see that Reid had a book open, but was surprised to notice that this one looked different from his usual.

"What's that?"

"Hmm?" came his distracted response, as his hand continued its trail down the page.

"Your book. It looks more like a text book."

Finally he looked up at her. "It is. Philosophy."

She remembered a long ago conversation. "You decided, then? You were weighing getting your next degree in philosophy versus theology."

"Right. Yes, I decided. I'm getting both."

"At the same time?" Surprise in her voice.

"Well, yes. I couldn't really decide between them. There's so much overlap in concepts, and material. There's even disagreement about whether some of the people I'm studying were philosophers or theologians. It just seemed easier to get them both together."

_It 'seemed easier' to get two complicated degrees simultaneously, while also working a better-than-full-time job. That's my Spence._

"When did you start this?" _And how is it that I didn't even know?_

JJ kept running into these little reminders of how busy her personal life had become.

"A couple of years ago. It took me a while to decide whether to bother with the degrees, or to just keep dabbling in it on my own."

Fully engaged in the conversation now, JJ aborted her trip to the galley and took the seat beside Reid.

"What made you finally decide to go for it?"

No hesitation. "It was after I 'died'."

JJ squinted at him, until understanding dawned.

"In the shack? With Tobias Hankel?"

Reid nodded. "Before that happened to me, religion..theology…..they were just things to be studied, objectively. But then I had this experience that I couldn't explain, and I wanted to understand it. And it was.. benevolent. At the same time that the Charles Hankel personality invoked religion for exactly the opposite purpose. I just wanted to understand."

JJ took that in. They'd never really talked about what he'd experienced during the time his breathing was stopped. Not in any kind of detail. Now, she was hearing that he'd had some sort of near-death experience.

"Did you see a light?"

It took him a moment. He didn't realize she'd become focused on the topic of his 'death'. "You mean, when I stopped breathing?"

JJ nodded.

"I did. But it wasn't so much what I saw. That can be explained by simple chemical release and synaptic firing. It was more about what I felt."

"Which was?" Holding her breath.

"Which was some kind of benevolence. A benevolent presence. Definitely a presence."

"And you think…."

"Oh, I don't know what to think. Emotions happen because of chemical interactions too. So maybe it was all just a natural 'shutting down' process that the body goes through. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that. But…"

"But you need to know."

He nodded. "Exactly. Except that it's unknowable."

JJ noticed that he didn't seem upset at the idea.

"So, what's the point, then?"

"The point is, it's fascinating. Think about it, JJ. Individuals, even whole societies have formed themselves around these world views that we call religion. And it can serve such wonderful purposes… but religion can also be invoked in the perpetration of massive evil."

Back to 'evil'.

"So… is this what made you say Foyet was evil? Your study of religion?"

He shifted to face her directly, in full professorial mode now.

"See, this is where it gets so fascinating. Is evil in the act, or in the intention? I was just reading about Abelard, and his insistence that the sin is in the intention, even if the act isn't committed. So if someone… say one of our unsubs…. Is truly delusional, and is only focused on satisfying the delusion, then a student of Abelard might say he wasn't sinning, because he had no malintent against the victim. But, if the unsub is fully aware of the wrongness of his intent, and does it anyway… well, that's the sin. That's evil."

She followed him, but wasn't at all sure she agreed with him. "Either way, the victim is just as dead."

"Granted. But the evil isn't as… as real, I guess. I don't know. It just seemed that there was always something palpably malevolent when we were on the scene of a murder committed by Foyet. Always very different from most of our other crime scenes."

Still not convinced, JJ started to push herself up from her seat, to resume her trek to the galley.

"I don't know, Spence. I mean, I get what you're saying. And, it's true, we have met a lot of very sick unsubs. But I still have a hard time sympathizing with them."

His response was subdued. "I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not even saying you should try. Just that it's there, that's all."

She sighed. "I guess. You want some coffee?"

* * *

Detective Matt Spicer was the kind of person with whom it was possible to form an immediate bond. Affable, dedicated, talented…..and a young, single father. It seemed beyond comprehension that the unsub should be targeting him in any way. And yet, he was, seemingly trying to close out a crime begun decades before.

The young detective's family was taken hostage. In responding to the scene, the detective and Morgan were surprised by the unsub and soon found themselves at his mercy as well. And then…. in the presence of Spicer's daughter Ellie, the murderer coldly shot her father, even as he obediently knelt before the gun. He followed that with an ultimately fatal attack on Spicer's sister.

And, most personal to the BAU team, he beat Derek Morgan. Pistol whipped him, several times. They were all shaken at the thought of their strongest agent having been brought down, but none more than JJ and Reid.

"Derek, are you all right?" she asked, as they entered the room where Morgan was pushing away the paramedics and steadfastly refusing the hospital evaluation they thought he needed.

"I'm all right." Attempting to dismiss them.

"You don't look all right," observed a very worried Reid.

"Reid! Drop it." Effectively silencing any concern.

Tension well beyond their usual filled the remainder of the case. Concern for Morgan, whose emotions were most definitely not in check. Frantic worry for the fate of Ellie. And communications interrupted constantly by the blackouts plaguing the area.

JJ's usual cool eluded her as she tried desperately to complete the task she'd helped to set for herself. They'd learned the unsub listened almost constantly to the radio. But they had no way to know which station he would tune in. It was the liaison's idea to use the emergency alert system to reach him on any broadcasting station. But her usual finesse in rising through the power structure to accomplish her goal wasn't working today.

_I was even able to get DOD to give me top secret information for a case. And I can't get on the radio to save a little girl?!_

Mounting frustration caused her to nearly let loose with a few words she rarely used even in non-professional conversations. She became more demanding and uncharacteristically arrogant as she attempted to rise through the levels of bureaucracy.

Finally, she reached the top of the ladder, and was granted the permission she sought. But, by that time, the rest of the team was in the field. There was no one left to give the broadcast. Except JJ.

"Hotch, I'm not a hostage negotiator, I can't do this."

If Hotch agreed with her, he wasn't about to let her know. "I'll give you some strategies. It has to be you, JJ."

He gave her information they'd uncovered about the unsub's past, where he'd murdered his prostitute mother and her client. It appeared their unsub was the product of a horrific childhood.

"Just try to empathize with him."

She was trembling as she switched on the radio, feeling the full weight of her responsibility. The unsub still had Ellie with him. 

_Please, help me do this. Please. It's a little girl's life. A little girl without a mother or a father._

When the time came, she started in, trying to do as Hotch had advised. Trying to empathize with the unsub. But her mind wouldn't leave Ellie. Her empathy was with the child who was still in childhood. The child without a mother.

_It's all about that. It's all about children, and their mothers._

And the mother in her knew, then, what to do.

All of them listened in as JJ apologized for his mother. And then took her place. She chided the grown child who now terrorized others. She taught him, as he should have been taught before. She wasn't really able to empathize with him. But she was able to draw a trace of empathy out from within him.

Reid held his breath as he heard JJ's voice fill the air around him. He knew how afraid she must be, pulled out of her usual duties into such a high stakes task. He'd uttered his own silent prayer for her success, for the sake of Ellie… and JJ. As she continued to speak, he began to smile to himself.

_You are so much better than you even know. _

And then…it was over. The unsub had given up Ellie. And soon after, he gave up his life, to Morgan.

* * *

They were almost back to Quantico, most of the long flight spent in silence, as each of them processed all that had happened to, and around, them on this case. Reid had been stealing surreptitious glances from his book to look at her as JJ sat, isolated, at the rear of the plane, having spent much of the trip looking out the window. He'd known to give her time. But now he wanted to tell her, before they landed, and went their separate ways. He made his way silently down the cabin to sit across from her.

"You were awesome."

JJ looked up when she sensed his presence, and gave the smallest of smiles at his words.

"Thanks."

"Seriously, JJ, do you know how hard that is to do?"

The tilt of her head, and the look on her face, said 'no kidding'.

"All right, of course you know. You did it, after all. But, what I mean is…. there was no feedback loop. You couldn't see him, you couldn't hear him. You had no way to know if you were getting through to him. Most hostage negotiators at least get some feedback from the hostage taker. But you got none. And still.. you knew exactly what to say. That's amazing." _You're amazing._

She gave a real smile now, in appreciation.

"You helped me, you know."

"Me? How?"

"Our talk before. On the way out here. Hotch told me to try to empathize with the unsub, but I couldn't. I could only empathize with Ellie. But then I remembered you talking about how the person's intention matters. And you guys had already figured out that his intention was to help Ellie, because he felt responsible for her. And that made all the difference. I realized he had to still have some trace of humanity in him. And I thought maybe I could appeal to it."

He returned her smile. "Well, you did. I'm proud of you. Seriously, JJ, you should own this. You did great."

"With a little help from you."

"With a little help from Abelard."

"You know, I've been trying to remember, from college philosophy. Wasn't he the one in that doomed romance? The one with Heloise?"

"They had an affair that led to a child. That put her in danger, so he pushed her away, to save her. But she still had to give up the child. She became a nun, and he became a monk. They lived apart, but in love, for the rest of their lives."

"Right. Now I remember. The famous love letters."

He nodded. "It was all they had left of each other. Just words."

She thought about that for a moment, and decided he was wrong.

"Not just words, Spence. They had the intent behind them. Right? Isn't that what we've been talking about? That the intent matters? So, they had more than words. They had the love. The knowledge of it. Maybe the words didn't even matter. Maybe they never do. Maybe they never need to be written, or even said."

Surprised to be thinking about her own relationship with Will. _Maybe we never say it, but maybe it's still there. Isn't it?_

Reid sat back, pondering as well.

_It never has to be spoken. Never expressed. Just the knowledge of it...  
_


	32. Chapter 32

**Prelude**

**Chapter 32**

She hung up the phone slowly. _He knows._

She'd just been summoned to Hotch's office. The unit chief hadn't needed to spell it out. She could hear it in his tone. But she couldn't tell if he was upset, or relieved.

JJ pushed her chair back, and slowly started her trek down the hallway, picking up to her usual brisk pace as she neared Hotch's office. Shoulders back, she entered.

"Have a seat." Hotch waved to the one in front of his desk.

"Hotch,…" she began, knowing there was no use in pretending not to know what this was about.

"JJ, why didn't you tell me?"

She kept her eyes on his desk. "Because there wasn't anything you needed to know. It was offered, and I turned it down."

The Hotch stare fixed on her. "It's effectively a promotion. You'd be moving up the ladder."

Now she looked directly into those dark eyes. "It's not what I want. I think I make a pretty good contribution here, with the BAU."

"Of course, you do. Your work is invaluable to us. But you have a career, and a family, to think about."

He couldn't believe he'd just said that. It was so like what Erin Strauss had said to him, after Hayley. When she'd tried to convince him not to return.

_I don't want her to think I'm trying to talk her into it. But I can't help but think it's selfish to want her to stay._

JJ couldn't believe he'd said it either. _Is he trying to tell me something?_

"Hotch..."

His raised hand stopped her. "No. JJ, you don't have to justify your decision. I'm grateful every day to have you on my team. And I'm not going to push you to leave it."

She sat back, relieved. "Thank God. Because…"

He spoke over her. "But you should know that Section Chief Strauss has a different opinion. And _she's_ pushing."

"I know."

He frowned his frustration. "JJ, why didn't you say something? I might have been able to step in earlier, to keep it from gaining momentum."

That frightened her. It sounded like there was something already set in motion.

"What do you mean? They can't force me, can they?"

"They shouldn't be able to. But when the higher ups and the DOD get involved…"

JJ's heart started pounding. "They could make me leave? I'd have to leave the BAU?"

Their conversation was interrupted when Rossi waved into the window to indicate that the rest of the team was gathered in the round table room. JJ and Hotch shared a look that said, 'later'.

Not knowing that, for JJ, 'later' would bring a major change in the circumstances of her life.

* * *

Forever after, JJ would know to trust her instincts. They'd told her that Kate Joyce was still alive, despite every probability to the contrary. They'd caused her to push the team beyond the point where they would otherwise have declared the case lost. And she'd been right. Because of that, and because of the determined stamina of another brave young woman, a family was reunited.

The trip home should have felt celebratory. After all, this was a save. But, for JJ, the weight of what she might be facing upon her return was too great. Her spirits should have been lifted but were, instead, mired in dread.

An hour after they landed, the rest of the team was gathered in the bullpen, trying desperately to read the expressions of those gathered in Hotch's office. Reid kept hoping the window blinds were somehow distorting the look on JJ's face as she and Hotch listened to Erin Strauss. Because he definitely didn't like what he was seeing.

He'd picked up on her mood on the plane, but, having missed her brief disclosure to Morgan and Prentiss, hadn't a clue what was causing it. And he never had a chance to ask. Not wanting to discuss it, JJ had made certain she was never alone.

Now, as she emerged from the office, he noticed the hesitation in her gait, the bit of a glisten to her eyes. He tried to connect as she threw a glance toward the bullpen, but she just whipped her head forward again, and hurried to her office.

Reid started to move toward the stairs, but Emily pulled him back.

"Leave her be, Reid. She needs some time."

"Time? For what? Emily, do you know what's going on?"

The brunette realized only then that Reid was still in the dark. And, knowing how close the two youngest team members were, she knew that what she was about to tell him would feel devastating.

"Sit down, Reid."

Slowly realizing that this wouldn't be good, he obeyed.

"She was offered a job at the Pentagon. Recruited for it, actually. And she turned it down. But it looks like…" she threw a glance over her shoulder to where Hotch was still in heated conversation with Strauss, "….strings might have been pulled."

As expected, it was a bombshell for him. He sat, mouth agape, eyes wide.

"You mean.. they're taking her? She's leaving us? They're _making_ her go?" He'd stuttered through the whole thing, his voice rising in pitch with each word.

Emily nodded. "Sad to say, Handsome. But that's what I think it means."

"But… but… how….."

"It's bureaucracy, Reid. Politics."

_Politics. Politics that will completely change my life. But how... why...  
_

In some ways, it seemed like she was in her office for an eternity. In others, considering he might never see her emerge from it again, it seemed a nanosecond. But, eventually, JJ opened her door and made her way down the stairs to the bullpen.

They gathered around her in a tight semicircle, all of them expressing their incredulity that 'the system' could hurt them like this. Their sorrow at losing her.

But nothing touched her as much as Spence's repeated, "They can't just take you away."

JJ had to fight for control at that. He looked so lost, and she felt the same way. She wanted nothing more than to hug him in that moment. But it would have undone her completely, and she simply wouldn't have that. Not in public.

So, instead, she said her goodbyes, giving each, in turn, a brief embrace, mentally humming a tune so she wouldn't be able to fully realize what she was doing. And then, after doing the same with an openly weeping Garcia, she waited upstairs until the bullpen had emptied.

Taking a final look around her office, she brought her 'exit interview' to Strauss, and laid it on the Section Chief's desk. She'd held nothing back, feeling as though she had nothing to lose.

'_These are the finest people the FBI will ever find. They are dedicated, committed, bright and brave. Every day they sacrifice a normal life for one that allows the rest of us to lead one. I am proud to have served with the BAU, under Unit Chiefs Jason Gideon and Aaron Hotchner, and beside SSAs David Rossi, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss and Dr. Spencer Reid. And I must also commend our technical analyst, Penelope Garcia. No finer group of people was ever assembled, for the defense of our safety and security. I am infinitely sorry to have to leave them, at the behest of my superiors.'_

A small, tight smile on her face at the thought of Strauss reading that last sentence, JJ took a long, slow walk down the corridor. Descending the stairway, she walked into the bullpen, her memory bringing forth five years worth of conversations, and jokes, and magic, and….

She realized, just then, that she was caressing the back of Reid's chair.

_Ah, Spence. I'm so sorry. I'm so sad. But at least Henry will keep you in my life. I hope._

She started to tear up, feeling freedom to give in to the emotion she'd so determinedly swallowed back. Swiping at her eyes, she made one final walk over to the elevators, and was surprised to hear the 'ping' of a car arriving, even before she'd pushed the 'down' button.

And then, not surprised at all, when it was Spence who emerged from the elevator.

He'd been prepared to make his way to her office, so was caught off guard when she was right there. He'd come out of the elevator car with such purpose that he'd practically run into her, and had to put out his hands to hold her arms and steady both of them.

"Sorry, I just… I couldn't leave. I got to the parking lot, but I couldn't leave."

"Spence…"

"JJ… God, I can't believe this. How did this happen? How can they just come in and take you away?"

She sniffed. "Hotch thinks it was Strauss. He thinks she made it happen."

"But why?"

She swallowed, her voice a bit stronger now. "You know she wants to rise up the ladder. And she thinks everyone else does, too. She sees Hotch as a rival. She knows how good he is, that's he's impressed the Director, more than once. So she thinks she has to make him look bad by putting him at a disadvantage."

"But Hotch…. He doesn't want that, does he?"

Reid wondered if the world had been conspiring against him, while he was busy filling his brain.

"No, of course not! But she can't conceive of it. She has such intense political ambition, that she can't conceive of someone being satisfied just to help people."

If either of them realized he'd not let go of her, they weren't about to act on it.

"But... to take you..."

His eyes had become full, and his throat felt like it was closing, cutting off his words.

Seeing, the last of JJ's defenses fell, and her tears began to flow freely. She lifted her arms to encircle Reid's neck, and buried her face into his shoulder. He brought an arm around her waist to pull her closer, and cradled her head in his other hand.

As he held her, he spoke softly into her ear.

"I don't know how to do this without you. I don't think I would have made it this far if you hadn't been here."

She started to pull back, so she could speak. But he held her fast. So she just tilted her face up to his neck.

"You were always there when I needed you. Sometimes even before I knew I did. If I've done anything with this team… if I've ever helped anyone, it was because of you, Spence."

Now _he_ pushed back, wanting to look at her. But still holding on.

"Jennifer Jareau, you are one of the most talented people I know. All in your own right. I'm happier than I can say if you think I've helped you, even a little bit. But, please don't ever play down your talents. You're an amazing woman, and I'm glad to have you in my life."

Later, in the solitude of his home, he would replay this scene and be astounded at what he'd said to the most beautiful woman in the world.

"Well….." Embarrassed eyes looked at the ground. "Maybe if I wasn't so talented, as you say, I'd still be with the BAU."

Reid responded with a bitter laugh as his eyes traversed the expanse of the office. "This place won't be the same without you. The days... the long nights….. those endless flights to some godforsaken place..."

She tried to defuse the conversation with humor. "Right. Because who else would know how to bring you a coffee with a gazillion packets of sugar in it?"

He went with her. "A google, actually. My sweet tooth acts up when I'm stressed."

She laughed with him, the bittersweet laughter that so often accompanies loss.

"We'll see each other. Garcia and I are already planning how we'll get together. You and I can do it too, can't we? And you'll come and see Henry, won't you?"

He smiled indulgently, wanting to please her. But he was well aware that his visits to her home would be limited. Ever since Will had intercepted his text message, he'd been loathe to initiate contact with her, knowing that their exchanges, however innocent, were no longer private. He was always left with the fear that he might be intruding on something. As had been intended.

"I'll come whenever you invite me." Leaving it to her, of necessity.

"Well…. you'll come to his birthday party. That's in just a few weeks. Won't you?"

"Of course I will. The time will pass faster than we think, won't it?"

"Like the blink of an eye." She carried on with his game of encouragement.

But, then, all too soon, their conversation fell into silence, and it was time to go.

JJ looked up at her best friend with wide, tear-filled, blue…._oh, so blue_… eyes. And, for what must have been the millionth…. or gazillionth…. or 'googleth'….time in his life, Reid fell into them. He started to pull her close again, but she made it easy, and squeezed herself to him. They held one another tightly, trying to convey all that they'd been unable to speak.

And then, as though ripping off a bandaid to minimize the pain, they pulled quickly apart. When the elevator came again, they entered, taking places away from each other, lest they should once again have to feel the raw tenderness of separation.


	33. Chapter 33

**Prelude**

**Chapter 33**

This is a good thing, Cher. Isn't it?" Watching carefully for her reaction. "You won't be traveling so much, you'll have regular hours. It's all good, isn't it?"

JJ had driven around for an extra fifteen minutes, trying to collect herself before she arrived home. But Will had come to know her too well. He'd seen right away that she was upset.

"I thought you said the case ended well. So what's got you in a mood?" he'd asked.

And then he'd smiled, when she'd told him. Apart from Erin Strauss, he seemed to be the only person happy about the circumstance.

"Cher?" He pushed her, since she still hadn't answered him. "This is good for our family. For our life together. So why are you so unhappy about it?"

She tried not to show her irritation. This topic had been the source of many of their arguments. She, happy with the work she did, feeling valued, feeling like her life was making a difference. He, wanting only to recreate his happy boyhood, with himself in the role of the bread-winning patriarch, and JJ taking care of the domestic front. It had worked well for him, and it was what he wanted for Henry.

"I'm just… I like my job. I've told you that a thousand times. I was doing something important."

"And you won't be doing important work for the DOD? At the Pentagon? C'mon, JJ."

She shook her head in frustration. "I knew you wouldn't understand."

"What is there to understand? You're getting a raise, and you'll have a job that doesn't take you away from your family. There's no down side to this."

She knew he was goading her. Knew he was trying to get her to say it. Because they'd argued about it so many times before. Will was all about 'family'. But he didn't consider his own work colleagues to be a part of his family, so he rejected the idea that JJ felt differently about hers.

He barely tolerated Penelope Garcia, whose 'out there' personality and quirks of every conceivable nature made her, in Will's mind, the 'anti-JJ'. He couldn't understand the connection between the two women.

And JJ's attachment to Spencer Reid was equally enigmatic. The man was innocuous enough, but he was a social disaster. He couldn't carry on a simple conversation. Couldn't discuss sports beyond statistical analysis, he knew nothing about popular music, but he could ramble, seemingly for hours, on any number of esoteric topics. Even more annoying was the genius' obvious attachment to his girlfriend. Will knew Reid wasn't JJ's type... the two men were nothing alike.. but he wasn't sure that Reid knew it. And, every so often, he wasn't so sure that JJ knew it, either.

That she'd chosen these two as godparents to their son was particularly irking now. He'd acquiesced, at the time, wanting only to please her as she labored to give birth. And then he'd convinced himself that the titles were merely honorific, and would never lead to any actual responsibility for Henry.

But he'd been wrong. JJ had seen to it that Henry was graced with the presence of both his parents and his godparents in his young life. She'd made sure Garcia and Reid were there for every important occasion. And many, far less important occasions.

Now…. now that her change in position might have exited the two eccentrics from their lives…. now he was irritated all over again. If only he'd stood his ground before Henry was born. If only he'd insisted his son's godparents be, literally, family. But he hadn't.

So, despite the good fortune of JJ's forced change in positions, Will's pleasure was dampened by the knowledge that they'd still have Penelope Garcia and Spencer Reid in their lives.

* * *

The round table room was uncharacteristically silent as the remaining team gathered. They'd had a mere fourteen hours to absorb the information, and brace themselves for the change.

Garcia's eyes were red-rimmed. She'd been sobbing into Morgan's chest for twenty minutes already this morning. Emily Prentiss was, as usual, focused outwardly, denying her own feelings while overtly worried about the others. Her attention zeroed in, in particular, on Reid.

_He looks awful. Like he didn't get a bit of sleep. His eyes are slits, he's pale. Maybe he's sick. He's barely even touched his coffee. When does Reid ever not inhale his coffee?_

Rossi followed Hotch into the room and took a seat, nodding a grim smile at the others. The seasoned agent had been here before. But he knew it was never easy. And he knew it always took a toll on the important work they all did.

His heavy brow furrowed, Hotch ran his eyes around the table, assessing the state of his team. The faces that returned his gaze were somber, determined. But one face wasn't meeting his gaze at all. Reid's downcast eyes told Hotch he had at least one agent more seriously wounded by this attack than the others. And he was all too aware that there was the one absent member of his team, equally wounded, although he was sure she would never show it.

Although he'd never made the official announcement to the team….that privilege had been denied him… the unit chief began as though it had just happened.

"We won't be filling the position. It will remain open."

Morgan's brows went up. It felt like a sentimental gesture, not replacing JJ. And, as much as he appreciated it, he also appreciated the volume of work their liaison had carried, and the talent with which she had done it. None of the rest of the team would be capable of filling in for her, nor of carrying her workload.

Apparently someone else felt differently.

"Sir," Garcia's voice was still hoarse, but she'd pulled herself together for the meeting. "I'd like to help out, if it's okay. I can present cases, handle press releases. I can also coordinate with law enforcement on site, if you'd like."

In Penelope Garcia's mind, this was a temporary situation. It _had_ to be. That was the only way she could bring herself to accept it. So, if she could hold the space open, JJ could, one day, return.

"Baby Girl, you don't know all the things JJ does. _Did," _he corrected himself. "Have you ever seen her office? There's a mountain of files in there."

He'd started out addressing Garcia, but now directed the rest of his words to Hotch.

"We can't go without someone in that position. Even when she was going on maternity leave, JJ knew enough to find a replacement for us. Going without will drag the whole team down."

His words were virtually identical to those Rossi had argued to Hotch earlier, in the privacy of his office.

"If you don't hire someone else, the team will suffer. The work will suffer. And that's exactly what Strauss wants. Don't give it to her, Aaron."

Now, Hotch repeated what he'd said to his good friend.

"I'm not saying this is permanent. Things may change down the road. But it's too soon. There's too much unsettled. For now, we'll cover the work internally."

Emily read between the lines. "Are you saying you think you might be able to reverse this?"

For the first time, Reid's eyes left the table. They riveted on his supervisor, lit with a small glimmer of hope.

"I'm saying things unfolded too quickly for me to respond. Let me see what I can do. But I'll need each of you to support this decision."

Multiple sets of eyes exchanged glances, and barely visible nods. Morgan, who'd started the protest, spoke for the group.

"We're in."

* * *

"Hey, Reid, you don't look quite your handsome self today."

Emily had made a point of walking all the way around the divider that separated their cubicles, and settling herself on the edge of his desk. She wanted him to know she wouldn't be ignored.

"Gee, thanks." Trying to summon enough energy to infuse his retort with sarcasm.

She smiled. "You know what I mean. Do you feel all right?"

He took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. Today hadn't been a contacts day.

"Just tired. And a little queasy, I guess."

"Maybe you're coming down with something." Not wanting to get too direct, too soon. But knowing that she would, eventually. That was how she operated. Who she was.

He flashed her a sideways look. "Right."

The one word response told her she'd have to be the one to bring it up.

"You and JJ have always been pretty good friends, haven't you? I mean, you've always seemed pretty close, ever since I joined the team."

The reminder of their early days together made him smile to himself. "She kind of... took care of me, I guess. And I took care of her. It made it a little easier, whenever things got hard."

Emily's smile was wry. His use of the words echoed what JJ had texted to her, earlier. REID WILL HAVE A HARD TIME. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF HIM.

She would have, anyway. Emily was very fond of her youngest colleague.

She used silence to draw him out.

"I guess…. I guess I'm just not good at saying goodbye."

"Then don't say it." She continued, when she knew she had his attention. "Seriously, Reid. She didn't disappear from the face of the earth. You'll see each other. Make a point of it. Make plans."

He knew she meant well. But he also knew he wouldn't be initiating any plans to invite himself over to the Jareau-LaMontagne household. Instead, he reflected on what Emily had said. JJ hadn't just disappeared. Not like some others…

"You know, in my whole life I've never known anyone who died. Not personally, I mean. Not close to me. My mom tells me that I had an uncle who died when I was a kid, but I don't remember it. The people I've lost just kind of… disappeared. Left without any notice. I never even got the chance to say goodbye."

"Like Gideon."

"And my dad. They both left me letters, but they never gave _me_ the chance to say anything to _them._ To ask them not to go, or even to say 'good riddance'. It's always felt like a sentence without a period."

She studied him a moment, not certain exactly how he felt about the two men. "Maybe that's because it's not over yet."

He looked up at her sharply. "It's over. _That_ much, I get to say. And, besides, I wouldn't know if either of them was dead or alive."

_Oops. Time to change the subject_. "How did we get on this, anyway?"

Reid took her literally, rerunning their entire conversation through his eidetic memory.

"You were reminding me that JJ isn't really gone. It's pretty much what I told myself all last night. She didn't die, she's just in a different place. We won't see her every day…"

Emily picked up on the 'we', knowing he was generalizing his reaction so it would feel less personal.

"…but that doesn't mean we won't see her at all, or that we won't talk to her."

His voice picked up in energy as he worked at convincing himself that he could find a new kind of normal.

"Right. And maybe… you never know… we might even have a case together. We work with the other agencies sometimes. Didn't you all have a case with the CIA before I came on board? And, remember, there was even that case where JJ had to get the DOD to release sealed information to us."

"That was probably the case that made them notice her."

"Oh. You're right. She must have really impressed them."

"Yeah, I think she did. So I guess that means that, if we want to stay with the BAU, we should do less outstanding work. Right?"

She laughed. "Fly under the radar."

"Exactly. So, try not to be too noticeable, okay?" _I can't lose you, too._

"Don't worry, Reid. I plan to stay here with the riff raff for a long time to come."

He smiled. "I'm counting on it."

The smile told Emily she'd moved him in the right direction. She stood, watching him release a huge yawn as he stretched his arms.

"I'm gonna get some coffee. You want some? I can make it for you," she offered.

She didn't quite understand the look that came over his face before he answered.

"No, that's all right. I'll make it myself."


	34. Chapter 34

**Prelude**

**Chapter 34**

ARE YOU OKAY? PG SAYS YOU'RE HOME SICK.

If he could have allowed some light to strike his retinas, that's what Reid would have read on his phone. But his eyes were too photosensitive, and he simply couldn't do it. He'd barely been able to see long enough to speed dial Hotch this morning. And that, only by turning down the brightness on the display.

He hadn't had a headache like this, ever. He'd been plagued by migraines since puberty, but they'd subsided with age. But this…. he'd had to hold his head between his hands just to be able to move.

_Like my brain is sloshing around in there. Which, technically, it is._

He'd been sick twice already, and then, mercifully, fallen asleep. Now he seemed to have entered a dream in which he was adrift, alone, in the middle of the ocean, his small boat without oar or sail. He was simply carried by the waves, rocking back and forth, the waves and the rocking increasing by the second. And then, a sound.

"Spence. Spence, wake up."

Even the small amount of light penetrating his eyelids was painful. He couldn't chance opening them.

"Spence!" Hushed, but urgent.

He held a hand over his eyes and tried to get his mouth to work.

"JJ? What are you doing here?"

"Are you all right? What's wrong with your eyes?"

He tried to sit up, but the change in position required both hands to hold his head in place to keep the pain at bay. He fell back to the sofa cushion.

"Can you hand me those glasses?"

The only glasses on the coffee table were sunglasses.

"These?" _Sunglasses?_

He chanced a peek out from under his shading hand and took them from her. Once they were on, he could look at her.

"How did you get in here?"

"I'm sorry. I've been pounding the door, but you didn't answer. Then I realized I still had your key. So I let myself in."

They'd both forgotten. She was the member of the team who held the extra key for several of them, 'just in case'. They would need to make a new plan now.

"But… why were you here at all?"

Apparently he hadn't seen any of her messages.

"I was talking with Garcia this morning, just keeping up on things. And she mentioned you were out sick today. Which almost never happens, right? So I tried to reach you, to see if you needed anything. And when you didn't answer, I got worried. You're all alone here. What if you were so sick you couldn't come to the phone?"

"I'm okay," he croaked.

She looked her disbelief at him.

"You're sitting here wearing sunglasses inside the house, it just took me five full minutes of shaking you to wake you up, you're ridiculously pale, even for you ….. that's some interesting version of 'okay', Spence. If you hadn't just told me otherwise, I would think you actually _were_ too sick to come to the phone."

"I'm not really sick, I just have a headache."

It might have made a better argument if his voice hadn't been so weak.

She wasn't having it. "It must have been pretty bad for you to call out with it."

"It was. But I think It's a little better now. Sleep usually helps."

He was trying to look better than he felt, and failing miserably.

"Usually. How long have you been getting headaches?"

"Since I was a kid. Migraines, mostly. But they'd gotten much better. This was just a bad one."

"Like 'the worst one you've ever had in your life' bad? Because you know what they say about those. It could mean something dangerous. Like 'get yourself to a hospital right away' dangerous."

His head _did_ feel better, but it still pounded furiously every time he spoke. He couldn't keep from furrowing his brow as he responded to her.

"I don't know that it's the worst, but it's up there. But I don't need a hospital. I'll be fine."

She studied him, not sure if she should take him at his word. Then decided to postpone the decision. She reached for a bag on the coffee table.

"Well, I didn't know what kind of 'sick' you were, so I stopped for some chicken soup. I don't know if it's good for a headache, but it couldn't hurt, right? I'll just warm it up for you."

She started for the kitchen, but he called after her. "JJ… I don't ….. I'm not very hungry right now."

She turned. "Are you nauseous?"

"No," he lied. "I'm just not that hungry."

JJ realized how much she'd picked up from being surrounded by profilers. She was able to recognize the lie without even being able to see his eyes. 

_Nausea, maybe vomiting, and a terrible headache…_

"Spence, I really think I should bring you to the hospital."

He started to shake his head, then had to hold it because of the pain.

"I'm fine here. Heat the soup, I'll try a little." Praying he could keep it down.

Thirty minutes later, he'd finished half a bowl of soup, and another dose of ibuprofen. They'd turned the lights down, moving only by the glow of the city outside, and a three-quarter moon. Reid was able to remove the sunglasses in the near dark.

"You should get going. Will will be looking for you."

"I told him I'd be late tonight." _But not why._

"I'll be fine, JJ. Thanks for coming by."

Wishing he felt well enough to have more of a conversation. This was the first time they'd been together since she'd been transferred. Brief phone calls and short texts, all initiated by JJ, had been their only other contact. Reid was fairly certain she didn't realize her privacy had been violated all those months ago.

She was torn. "Are you sure? I hate to leave you alone feeling like this. Maybe I should stay…."

"No. You have a family, go on home to them. I'll be fine, really."

As much as he questioned whether it was a healthy relationship, he also didn't want to be the source of a rift in it.

"All right, you win. But, let me try something first. Lie down," she pointed at the sofa. "On your stomach."

He hesitated, not sure what she meant to do.

"Come on, trust me. My sister used to get bad headaches. There was something my mom always did for her."

While he assumed his position, JJ went to the kitchen, coming back with a hot washcloth. Reid could only partially see her as she sat beside him, on the edge of the sofa cushion, and laid the rag on his neck.

"This should start to relax things. My sister had migraines, too. But her muscles always tensed when she got them. So Mom would lay her down, and massage her until she fell asleep. She always woke up feeling so much better."

Until that day when she hadn't awakened at all. But that hadn't been from a headache.

"The heat will get things going," she continued. And then she started to knead the muscles of his shoulders and upper back, moving her fingers from place to place, rubbing with the heels of her hands, her touch light, and slow.

Reid was too uncomfortable to fully appreciate his situation. Alone, in the dark, lying on the couch next to the most beautiful woman in the world, her hands softly caressing him. It was something that would fill his dreams in the coming days and nights, but it was lost to him in the moment. Until he became very aware, when she deepened the pressure and tried to work at his tension. Her fingers virtually dug into him now.

"Ugh… I can feel it. Right here, right? I can feel a huge knot." She actually raised herself up a bit to get a better angle on it.

"Mmphh." It was painful, but the best kind of pain. As she worked, he could feel something release, a letting go, muscle by muscle, fiber by fiber. He couldn't be certain if it was the fingers that were accomplishing this miracle or the identity of the person who owned them. But, very gradually, the tension diminished and, with it, the throbbing. He was so exhausted from the ordeal of the day that he fell off, asleep, even while she was still touching him.

At some point, JJ realized she was the only conscious person in the room. She bent forward and tilted her head sideways to see Reid's face. For the first time since she'd arrived, his brow was unfurrowed, the muscles of his face slack. He looked to be in a peaceful sleep.

Satisfied, JJ rose and found her coat in the dark. Before leaving, she made one more visit to the sofa, and watched her friend in slumber. Then she bent, and lifted his hair from his forehead. Softly touching her lips to him, she brushed his hair back down, and let herself out.

* * *

"Garcia, no! Why does it have to be… I'll just do some magic, all right? The kids will like that, won't they?"

"Sorry, Boy Wonder, but 'twas Elmo he requested, and it's Elmo he shall have. Only the best for my godson. _Our_ godson," she said, pointedly.

"But why does it have to be me?" he whined.

Elmo was already an hour late for Henry's second birthday party. It was obvious he would be a no-show. And Garcia had promised Henry.

"Do you see anybody else here?" Two toddler friends from the neighborhood, their parents, the Jareaus and JJ and Will rounded out the group.

"No wonder Morgan turned you down," groused Reid. "I'll bet you had him looking like Big Bird last year." Thinking he might have paid good money to see that.

He was proud of himself for knowing the cultural reference. Sesame Street hadn't been a part of his childhood. But Henry had insisted they 'read' the same books so many times that Reid was now expert on any number of popular characters.

"Big Bird actually showed up last year. But you didn't."

He blushed, embarrassed. The party had been only two days after he'd received that text from Will. He'd given thought to not attending, feeling as though he would be unwelcome. Then decided that he wouldn't let his own social discomfort get in the way of being present for his godson. And then been thwarted by physical discomfort, when he'd overdone it in physical therapy. He'd missed the party anyway, and apologized profusely to an understanding JJ and a drooling Henry.

"But… do you have to put it on all over? How will I get it off?"

"Relax. I'll just put it on your face and arms. It's just greasepaint. It will come off." _Eventually._

Twenty minutes later, and expertly made-up, but oddly attired, Elmo emerged. Henry caught sight of him first and shrieked.

"E-mo! E-mo!" The little guy tackled Elmo's khaki-clad legs.

"What the hell kind of Elmo is that?" muttered Will, under his breath.

JJ heard him. "It's the kind of Elmo that loves your son enough to let Garcia turn him red. Just be glad that Henry's so happy, all right?"

She smiled at the wondrous look on Henry's face, and then laughed out loud when she heard Reid try to speak in a high-pitched Elmo voice.

Elmo bent to bring himself closer to Henry's height. "Hello, Henry! I heard it's your birthday today. Happy Birthday!"

Henry giggled, and then reached his short arms toward Elmo's middle. His little fingers did their best to tickle.

Fortunately, Reid had been briefed by Garcia. He knew exactly how to respond.

"Hee..haha…hoho…you're tickling me! You're tickling Elmo!"

Henry just kept giggling and tickling, now joined by the other two little boys. Before long, Elmo was laughing for real, and lying on the floor beneath a mass of tickling toddlers.

"Help!"

The adults were laughing too hard to intervene, but JJ eventually recovered herself well enough to catch Garcia's eye and motion her into the kitchen. When they returned with an Elmo birthday cake and ice cream, Reid was saved.

As Will recorded the ceremony, Garcia led the gathering in a round of 'Happy Birthday', and JJ helped Reid up from the floor.

"Thanks for that. You're a good sport."

"Anything for my godson. Cal Tech, Elmo… anything."

She chuckled as both of them watched Henry master the art of blowing out his candles.

"I'd better help serve. You want Elmo's nose?"

He laughed, rubbing at his own. "I think this one will do. Go ahead, I need to see if I can find my real skin under here."

* * *

Reid and Garcia stayed for dinner with their godson's family and the elder Jareaus. No one mentioned the unusual pink tinge to Reid's skin.

"So, Penelope, Jennifer tells us you've taken over her duties at the FBI." Sandy was collecting dinner plates as she spoke.

"Oh, no, ma'am. I'm just doing a little bit to help out. No one could do everything JJ did."

"She's right," added Reid. "We would need two people to fill in for her. But," he added, gallantly, "Garcia has been a tremendous help."

Charles was interested. As was Will, who hadn't quite understood how the BAU was handling the loss of its liaison.

"Are you saying Jennifer hasn't been replaced?"

Will added, "And that there's not a plan for it?"

Garcia was oblivious to the undertone. "Of course not. We want our girl back. So we're doing our best to keep up until that can happen. We don't want her to come back and find someone else at her desk. Right, Reid?"

In contrast to Garcia, Reid was very aware of the subtext to the conversation. And very uncomfortable. He did his best to be diplomatic.

"It all happened so fast, that there was no time to make a plan. So we're all sharing the workload, until Hotch can work things through the system."

Gobbledygook that said nothing. But the others weren't meant to notice. Before they had a chance to figure it out, JJ rose and caught Sandy between the kitchen and the dining area. Taking her by the shoulders, she brought her over to a chair.

"Sit. You've been serving all day. Will, do you want to help Dad get the fire going? Pen, can you clear some of those toys out, so we can move? Spence will help me in the kitchen."

_He will?_

Once they were busy with the dishes, JJ asked, "So, how's your head?"

It had been a little more than a week. "Good."

She vowed to herself never to let him know that one-word answers were his 'tell'.

"Good. Not great? Have you had any more headaches?"

He didn't quite look her all the way in the eye. "Just some smaller ones. But I bought a heating pad. It seems to help."

"Hmph. What you need is someone to give you a massage every day."

_Don't I know it._ "I tried one of those massage wands in the store one time, but I just got a cramp in my arm from holding it. Those things are heavy."

JJ put down the towel she was holding and turned to him.

"I think we both know that what you really need, Spence, is to let it go. I know you're stressed. So am I. But it's how things are now. We need to get used to it."

The last thing he wanted to do was to add to her worries. "I know. And I'm working on it."

He took her in, missing her… missing the relationship they'd had…. even with her standing three feet away.

"I'll work harder."


	35. Chapter 35

**Prelude**

**Chapter 35**

Reid did just as he'd promised JJ. He made a sincere effort to settle into the new normal, to accommodate to the team being without the member he knew he would always miss the most. And, with time, he had small successes. But he would have had none at all if not for another member of the team.

_Thank God for Emily._

Looking back, he couldn't believe he'd once been resistant to her. She'd not forced Elle from the team, he knew that. But, in Reid's mind, her arrival had made Elle's absence permanent...even though Emily'd had nothing to do with it. Elle had left of her own volition.

_But not really. She was so scarred by what happened to her. That's what really drove her away._

He thought of his own trauma, and the scars left on his own psyche. It was that time when JJ seemed to have distanced herself from him. And when the drugs had kept him distanced from all of them. He understood it better now. JJ had withdrawn in defense of her own emotional health. And found Will.

But Emily… Emily had shown him extraordinary patience. She'd withstood his snide comments and petulant behaviors. Reid sometimes wondered if she'd guessed what was going on with him in that time. But he could never ask, lest the conversation hurt them both. Instead, he simply accepted that she accepted him, and was grateful for it.

_Maybe I'm growing up. Finally._

He'd been so young at the start. Only 23 when he'd joined the unit, twenty five when he'd been traumatized. His genius, and his boyhood, had given him a few functional years of maturity, but he'd been still far too young to be able to absorb all that he had. Four years later, he could look back on that time, and his relationships, in a very different way.

Once he'd accepted Emily, they'd gotten along well. He could have conversations with her that he could have with no one else, including JJ. A shared love of language, and languages, of ethnic foods, of esoteric concepts. More than once Emily had outshone him on some task of intellect, but never gloated over it. And he'd learned to be happy to have someone to share with on that level, never seeing it as a rivalry.

The friendship had blossomed on its own, but now circumstance allowed it to deepen, develop its own distinct roots. They learned to read each other's moods, and sought each other out after difficult cases, sometimes to talk, sometimes just to sit quietly together. In their own unique way, they developed a deep-seated love and respect.

So it was natural that Reid should share with Emily the nagging worry in his life. The headaches weren't as bad as the one that had kept him from going to work. But they were nearly constant. These weren't the headaches of his youth. Their persistence begged attention, and he'd started a round of medical appointments. So far, nothing.

"Hey, you okay?" Emily sat down and started arranging her desk to start the day.

Before he had a chance to consider whether to answer her question honestly, his mouth made the decision for him.

"I've just been having these headaches, you know?"

Right away, she knew this must be something out of the ordinary. Everybody had headaches. Reid must know that. So, if he was offering the information to her…. and especially if he was offering it so easily… they must be bad. Something to worry him.

"Oh. Have you seen a doctor?" Not knowing how else to respond.

"A bunch. They all say I'm fine."

_Whew. Thank goodness._ But he didn't seem placated by the doctors' opinions, so she offered, "I'm sorry."

"Thanks. But don't tell anybody else, all right? They'll just think I'm a baby."

_But you know that I won't think that, don't you_? Emily almost smiled at the trust he was showing in her, but didn't want him to think her unsympathetic about the headaches.

"I won't."

"Thanks."

Despite the fact that it was Emily, Reid was embarrassed at having let it slip out. Even if it felt good to have someone else know about them.

_The next time your mouth is moving faster than your brain, sew it shut!_

* * *

It all might have been all right. He might have been able to make it work, sharing cases with his remaining team and seeing JJ and Henry whenever their schedules allowed. But their schedules _didn't _allow, more often than not.

The team seemed to be called away weekend after weekend, and JJ seemed to have family plans with Henry and Will most of the other times. And then….. the unthinkable happened.

"This is Agent Seaver. Ashley Seaver. She'll be interning with our BAU team."

Hotch introduced a very young, very blonde new member of the team.

"Interning?" Reid squeaked. With the addition of a new member, even if she wasn't in the liaison position, it seemed that JJ's absence was being declared permanent. He thought he'd left these feelings behind. But the sense of loss, and the permanence of it, was right there, again, renewing an ache deep inside.

"Yes. And if all goes well, she'll be staying with us." Rossi seemed pleased at the prospect.

Morgan and Emily were equally as shocked as Reid, if not as devastated.

_She looks younger than Reid. But also a little …what, arrogant? Maybe not. But something along those lines. Poor Reid looks like he swallowed something sour_. _And I can just imagine what JJ will think. It almost looks like she's been replaced by a poor attempt at a clone._

Emily could only hope Garcia was on the case, because she didn't want to be the one to break the news to her good friend at the Pentagon.

* * *

Reid played a game of '_what would JJ do'_. And then he did it. He tried to be as gracious, and friendly, and helpful to the new agent as he knew how. He tried to do what JJ had done for him. He showed Ashley Seaver around the BAU, introduced her to the vending machines, even went along when an equally-threatened, equally determined-to-be-gracious Garcia suggested an outing to the movies.

Despite all of their overtures, Ashley seemed aloof... pleasant, but aloof. 

_Maybe it's because of her dad._

They'd learned that she'd reverted to the use of her mother's maiden name as her surname, to hide her connection to Charles Beauchamp, the highly prolific serial killer…..and Ashley's biological father. But she'd shared _that_ information with them on her very first day. Apparently, she wasn't trying to hide anything from the team.

_Maybe she just doesn't want to get too close, in case this doesn't work out, _Reid thought. Hoping that the experiment would be a failure.

Still, Reid persisted in being pleasant and polite, only to be rebuffed by a sarcasm that was unmitigated by humor. Like his other colleagues, Ashley Seaver seemed to lack a taste for learning the minutiae of any given subject. But, unlike them, she freely expressed her disinterest, making no apology for the effect it had on Reid.

"I'm sorry," she'd said, after he'd rambled on about something.

"About what?"

"Sorry I asked," came the curt reply.

Reid was hurt, but tried not to show it. And Ashley appeared not to notice at all.

Not so the others. Both Morgan and Emily noticed, each thinking to take the new agent aside at some point. But it never happened. Morgan became distracted when he was put in the unwelcome position of determining whether a family annihilator was suitably rehabilitated for release, and then investigating the murders that ensued after said release.

And Emily was just…..distracted. Reid knew something was wrong with her. He _knew_ it. But he couldn't draw her out. When she told him about the death of her friend, Lauren Reynolds, he thought maybe her worry for her friend had been the cause of her concern. But then she'd said it had been a car accident. A sudden, unexpected death. Not one that might have drawn her attention away from her work.

_So she's been worrying about something else. But what? And why won't she tell me? I thought we were getting to be so close. Don't you trust me, Emily?_

* * *

_At last._

They were in town, on a Friday night. And they weren't on call for emergency cases. Unless some disaster befell the team ahead of them in the queue, the BAU would be in town for the weekend. And Reid had a plan to visit his godson, and his godson's mother…and her boyfriend… for brunch tomorrow. He was excited at the prospect of seeing both Henry and JJ.

STILL ON FOR 9?

He chanced a rare text to JJ. He didn't mind responding to hers, but he made it a point to initiate a conversation only during the workday, when he was more certain she would be holding her own phone.

An hour later, he'd had no response, so he sent the same text a second time. _Maybe it got lost._

He settled into his reading chair, intending to get deep into the writings of Thomas Aquinas. But the week had been long, his headaches severe, and his nights largely sleepless. Exhaustion claimed him, and he fell into a dreamless sleep, from which he didn't surface again until 2 AM. Checking his phone as he made his way into his bedroom, Reid saw that JJ still hadn't responded. It was too late to phone the house. He would have to try again in the morning.

* * *

"She's not here."

"Oh, she's running, right? I forgot. I just called to see if we were still on for brunch at 9."

"She's not running, Reid. She's away on some trip for work. Left on Thursday, and I don't know when she'll be back."

"Oh." Reid was surprised. "I thought this job wouldn't involve travel."

"So did I." Will sounded annoyed about it. Or about talking to Reid. The FBI agent couldn't be sure which. He considered what this might mean for the weekend's plans.

"So, I guess we should skip brunch." Smiling to himself at an image of Will LaMontagne cooking for him. "But I could stop by and spend some time with Henry. I could even take him to the park, if you need some time to yourself this weekend."

"I don't need time away from my son, Spencer. Anything I have to do, he can do with me."

"Oh." Noticing that Will hadn't offered to have Reid visit Henry at all. "So I guess…"

"You should make other plans this weekend. And you can work it out with JJ when she gets home."

Reid took a beat to absorb that. "Okay. Will you tell her I called?"

"I'm sure I won't have to."

* * *

Maybe it was the exchange with Will. Maybe a new worry about JJ, and whatever might be taking her away. After all, the Pentagon had a presence in nearly every 'hot spot' on the planet. Or maybe it was that nagging whisper of a worry about Emily. But Reid's headaches ramped up the volume considerably, and he was finding it hard to function.

"Pretty Boy, you don't look so good. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."

In a perversely male way, Reid didn't seem to mind showing his physical weakness to the women of his team. Or, more specifically, to all of the women who weren't Ashley Seaver. The need to be nursed, and nurtured, trumped the need to feel invulnerable. But he couldn't bring himself to let any of the alpha males on the team in on his condition. Males were supposed to power through infirmities. Or, at least, alpha males were. But Reid wasn't an alpha male.

"You having nightmares again?" Morgan was genuinely solicitous.

_As though they ever stopped._ But Reid denied it. "No. I was just up too late reading. I'll make up for it tonight."

But he didn't make up for it that night. None of them did. None of them would claim sleep again for days.

The team was thrown into crisis. Their own, personal crisis.

Emily Prentiss was missing.


	36. Chapter 36

_ **A.N. Taking more liberties than usual, for the sake of simplicity and timeline. Same will happen in several upcoming chapters, where both the timeline and the story line were hazy on the show.** _

* * *

**Prelude**

**Chapter 36**

_This must be what it was like, back then. Knowing you have an agent… a friend… who's been taken. Not knowing what ordeal they may be going through, or even if you'll ever see them again._

Reid shook his head to get the thought out of it. It had surfaced randomly, and was consuming valuable mRNA. So were all of the other ideas racing through his head.

_Calm yourself down. You won't help her if you're panicking._

He put to use one of the techniques he'd learned in his post-captivity therapy. One that was supposed to help with PTSD.

_Oh, God, Emily, I hope you'll never have to go through that._

He vowed to himself that he would be there for her, whenever she needed him, and even when she thought she didn't. He wouldn't have someone he cared about go through what he had, alone.

He almost missed what Hotch was saying. Something about calling in outside help, to assist with covering things on the international level. As he finished speaking, Hotch cast his eyes toward the entrance of the BAU, and all the rest followed suit.

Reid would have said it was as though she'd never left, but there was something noticeably different about her. JJ stood there with an air of assurance that went far beyond anything she'd ever displayed as their unit liaison.

"Let's get started," she said.

Garcia ran to embrace her, and the men all nodded greetings her way. Only Reid stood silent, and staring.

_What kind of cruel bargain is this? We get JJ back only by losing Emily? I reject Your offer. And I'm going to do my damnedest to see that we get to keep both of them._

Reid didn't know if he should be angry with God or the FBI, but angry he was, and in a way that he'd rarely been before. Without even noticing that he hadn't greeted JJ, he got back to work.

* * *

"L.R. All of these aliases have the initials L.R." noted Garcia. "But the list skips a line, as though something's missing."

L.R. An image was coming to Reid. He could never have fully explained it to the others, but his brain converted auditory input into visual, so that it could tap into his powerful eidetic memory. He'd only heard her say it, but Emily's use of the name 'Lauren Reynolds' had become visual for Reid. Now, looking at the list of aliases on the screen, the synapses completed their rapid circuit. He knew what the missing line had once held.

"Lauren Reynolds. LR. It's the name Emily gave me. I heard her saying 'Lauren Reynolds is dead.' She told me Lauren Reynolds was a friend of hers. At the time, I accepted her explanation. I thought maybe she was just in shock over the death of a friend. Now I realize it wasn't shock at all, that made her say the name so strangely. It was more of a mantra. She was trying to convince herself."

_And, fool that I was, I didn't get it. What good is it being a profiler if you can't recognize when one of your friends is in trouble?_

There was so much to unravel about this case….so much hidden in the life of Emily Prentiss, so much to learn about her nemesis, Ian Doyle, so much difficulty knowing exactly how much to trust Emily's Interpol handler, Clyde Easter…. and yet, things did unravel, with lightning speed. None of them had time to process what was going on. All they could do was to react, swiftly and decidedly, to each new development presented to them.

* * *

She knew she couldn't spare the time to react to such a small thing, but she couldn't help it happening. This was the first time JJ had come face to face with Ashley Seaver, the agent who 'wasn't' replacing her.

_Jeez, Garcia was right. They couldn't have been more obvious if they'd tried. Of course she's not here to replace me. Of course._

She'd had so little time to connect with any of her former teammates, she didn't really know how they'd accommodated to her non-replacement. And she wondered, in particular, about how one specific teammate felt about it. But there was no time to dwell on it now. They had to get to Emily.

* * *

If she was aware they'd not yet greeted one another, JJ didn't choose to point it out. But she made a point of taking the aisle seat, closest to Reid, as the plane sped the team to Boston.

_He's thrown. Look at him. I knew he'd been getting closer with Emily, but I guess… I guess I didn't realize how close._

Trying not to acknowledge the unflattering pang of jealousy. After all, they were both her friends. And Emily was in trouble. Of course he would be upset. JJ was upset herself. And, of course, it wasn't romantic. Of course.

They spent the bulk of the plane ride strategizing. The picture was bleak, at best, and they all had to fight not to be demoralized. Ideas were floated, batted down, revamped, and floated again. They couldn't settle on anything solid until they had more information. And they could only hope to find that information in Boston.

It wasn't until the final twenty minutes of the flight that things quieted down. JJ and Reid took seats at the back of the plane for landing.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Sorry I missed you last weekend. Will told me you'd had to cancel."

He didn't even bother correcting her. "I thought you weren't going to be traveling with this job."

She took so long to respond, that Reid's antennae would have gone up, had he been less distracted by the situation. "Yeah, well… so did I."

"I'm glad you were back in time to help with this. I mean….I'm sorry it had to be this, but ….. I think we all feel better having you here."

Reid didn't know why it felt so awkward. After all, this was JJ. It should have been easy. But it had been a long time since he'd seen her. And it just felt….different.

"I'm glad I could be here too, Spence. I just hope it does some good. God, I hope she's all right."

The 'Spence' did it. All he needed was to hear that, and suddenly the wall was down. He was with JJ.

She sensed the change, and turned to give him a small smile. "Partners?" She put out her hand, palm up.

He placed his hand over hers. "Partners. Let's go and find her."

* * *

They did find her. Half dead, a ridiculous wooden stake protruding from her abdomen, as though Doyle had thought her a vampire, and tried to end her.

Morgan emerged from the warehouse behind the stretcher, clearly shaken. He waved the others off when they tried to approach, knowing the medics needed to get her away as quickly as possible.

"What happened?" Reid was as shaken as Morgan, solely from the appearance of his colleague's face. Derek Morgan didn't cry. And yet, there were unmistakable tear tracks on each of his cheeks. "What did he do to her?"

Reid could hear just a tinge of hysteria creeping into his own voice, and made a monumental effort to tamp it back down. But it was a struggle. This was Emily. And Morgan had been crying.

"Morgan!"

The senior profiler still hadn't responded. He was simply standing, staring in the direction toward which the ambulance had sped off. Finally, Reid's voice appeared to penetrate, and Morgan shook himself back.

"She's hurt, Reid. Impaled. Goddamn Doyle impaled her on a stick."

A stick? That didn't sound so bad. But before Reid could say so, Morgan added, "A chair leg. Like a stake. Like he wanted to make sure it would hurt her before it killed her." He spat the words.

Reid made a mental inventory of all the organs that might be damaged, and all the ways they might cause her death, and felt his panic rising again.

"We have to get to the hospital. Emily needs us."

Praying that he was right. That it wasn't already too late. That she was conscious enough to care. That she hadn't given up. He started to look around for a means of transport. That's when he noticed that JJ and Hotch weren't among them.

Rossi and Seaver had procured an SUV from the Boston office and called for their colleagues.

"Garcia will meet us at the hospital," explained Rossi.

"But what about JJ? And Hotch?" More than ever before, Reid felt the need for the entire team to be together. And, as much as ever before, he needed JJ.

"Already gone," came Seaver's succinct reply.

"To the hospital?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. I guess."

* * *

Seaver drove. As the newest to the team, she was presumed to be the least emotionally affected by the events of the day. And yet, Reid knew, less than 24 hours ago, she'd been showered with the blood and brain matter of one of their suspects.

_Does she really have that much cool? Or is she just that detached?_

Frankly, he didn't care. He couldn't spare the emotional energy. He was terrified for Emily, and worried about Morgan as well. He hadn't seen his would-be big brother this emotionally wrung out since the episode in Los Angeles, when Ellie had been taken from him, and her father killed.

Reid knew Doyle had gotten away. _God help him when Morgan finds him. He won't last a full minute._

He didn't know what to make of JJ's disappearance with Hotch. _Maybe they're putting together a statement._ But she wasn't their media liaison any more. _Or maybe she's helping put together an international APB for Doyle. That's probably it._ It fit with her current position. A little.

Whatever it was, he prayed she would join them at the hospital. 

_I need you. I think we all do._

* * *

He couldn't get past page 534. His mind wouldn't settle enough, even with his old standby. Reid was attempting to mentally re-read Tolstoy's _War and Peace_, in the original Russian. It was such a monumental task of cognition that it had long been his go-to method of distracting himself. But it wasn't working today.

Emily had already been in surgery for hours. A nurse delegate had visited the surgery waiting room twice so far, mostly to make them feel like they hadn't been forgotten. She'd provided nothing new. No indication that it was all right to hope, nor any that they should prepare for the worst.

Reid had caught a fleeting glimpse of JJ hurrying down the hallway after Hotch, and was relieved to know that both of them were in the building. But he felt bad that they were having to focus on work at such an emotionally distressing time.

_We all need to be together right now. Let the Boston office handle Doyle for now. Let Clyde Easter do it._

He intended to say it to them when they eventually joined the rest of the team. But for now, all he could do was pace. And wait. And watch Garcia cry into Morgan's shoulder. And watch Morgan try not to let his own tears fall. And fail to recite the usually reliable Tolstoy. His brain betrayed him, when he most needed it to provide distraction.

_Emily. You have to be all right, Emily. Just hold on, and let the doctors do their work._

He tried to create a mental image of gloved fingers slowly….. ever so slowly….. putting traction on a wooden stake. Stopping every few millimeters to assess the damage, and repair it.

_Be patient. It takes time. Let them do their jobs._ He didn't really know if he was saying it to himself, or to Emily.

After what seemed like hours… or days…. there was movement in the hallway. A flurry of activity down the corridor, not seen directly, but only as shadows moving quickly on the wall. And then… JJ.

Each of them froze when she entered the waiting room. Stopped in mid-sentence, mid-stride. Stared. Prayed. Hoped. Tried not to profile the look on her face. Because it said…

"She never even made it off the table."

It took his genius mind a few seconds to absorb it. He'd been so invested in hearing good news. So trusting of an announcement that the surgery had been a success. It was almost as though his mind was working in reverse. 'Made it off the table.' 'Never'. 'She'.

_Emily! She never made it off the table. But that means…. NO!_

He felt his body rise of its own volition and try to bolt from the room. But it was caught by the arm, and turned. Caught by JJ.

"Spence…"

The words were out before he could stop them. They sounded pathetic, almost nonsensical. Except to her. She'd heard them from him before. Even if they didn't make sense to him, they did to her.

"I never got a chance to say goodbye."

As though he was rushing off to do so now. To say goodbye to someone already gone. It made no sense. And yet, it made all the sense in the world.

"Come here." She whispered it as she pulled him to herself. Reflexively his arms went around her, and he bent his head into her shoulder. Reid felt her hands on his back. Felt her grasp, as though she was tethering him when he felt like he might fly out of control. He grasped her in return, his landline. His lifeline.

"I never…" He couldn't finish. All that would come out were sobs.

JJ held him tightly. Those who were watching the scene… their teammates, also stunned, also trying to process the news… might have thought the look on her face impassive. Controlled. But Reid couldn't see her. He could only cling to her, and let the emotion wash over him.

After a time, she started to let go, but Reid increased the pressure of his grasp. Finally, she pulled herself back, and gently pushed him away. Reid could only stand there, hands fallen to his sides, tears rivered down his face.

JJ thought she would break in half as she moved away from Spence, and left him, to meet Hotch in the hallway. 

_How is it that I can survive walking away from my heart?_

She'd resisted, at first.

"They're suffering. How can we let them suffer?"

"We don't know anything yet. She flatlined twice in the ambulance. Getting through the surgery is no guarantee that she'll make it anyway."

JJ hadn't needed to hear that. She'd invested herself in Emily's survival, even if it would only be known to three people.

"But.."

"We don't have Doyle. And we know he's got a network of allies and informants all over the world. If he hears she's alive…..well, she won't be, for long."

"But, Hotch. We've all taken oaths. Why can't they know? It will devastate them, not knowing."

"JJ, I don't like this any more than you do. But I know too much about human behavior." His sharp brown eyes settled on her. "And so do you. Someone will try to reach out to her. Especially after what we've all just been through. And Doyle will use that to find her. Just imagine the devastation if they find themselves responsible for that."

JJ stared off to the distance. "Either way, she's lost to us."

Hotch's slow nod acknowledged it. "In the short term. But we won't stop looking for Doyle. And we'll find him. We'll be able to bring her back."

"If she survives the night."

He nodded a grim assent. "Yes."

* * *

Now, meeting him once again in the hallway, JJ's eyes pleaded her case anew.

Hotch's features belied his concern for all of them. But his voice was stern.

"It's for the best. I wouldn't even have involved you if we hadn't needed State's assistance. I'm sorry, JJ. I'm sorry I had to put you in this position."

Stoic JJ emerged. "I know it was necessary. Don't worry, Hotch. I'll handle it somehow."

Oddly, it felt a little like the marriage commitment she'd been so reluctant to make. A promise given in a moment, carried out over a lifetime, affecting every other relationship she had. The lie between her and her former teammates would only be known to her. But her knowledge of it would be as a glass wall between them. Something that insulated them from one another. Something that would prevent any true, deep connection.

JJ walked off, still not knowing if she would be mourning the real or fabricated loss of Emily. Knowing only that she would be mourning.

But she couldn't focus on that, right now. She had a funeral to plan.


	37. Chapter 37

**Prelude**

**Chapter 37**

There were to be no calling hours. Of all that had happened, thought Reid, that might be one of the saddest things. That this life, lived with such unfettered altruism, such heroism, should end without being remembered.

_I don't understand it._

He'd been to the wake for Haley Hotchner. There had been, quite literally, hundreds of people queued up to pay their respects to those who'd loved her. He'd had to wait a full hour to reach Hotch and Jessica. At the time, Reid had thought it such a remarkable statement about the lives touched by Haley's, and the caring for those she'd left behind. He'd been greatly moved, and later spent much of that evening pondering whether he was doing enough with his own life.

Now, with Emily gone, there was to be no outpouring of sympathy. No testimony to the impact of her life. Just a simple graveside service, attended by only a few.

_It's not right. It's not right, Emily. You deserve so much more than this._

His eyes filled every time he thought of it. She'd done so much, for so many. There were families who'd seen justice for lost loved ones, others rescued from certain death at the hands of the depraved, and countless others whose lives would never face the evil that had targeted them. All because of the dedication and selflessness of this woman. Emily Prentiss. His friend.

They'd been told it couldn't be made public. Some mumbo-jumbo nonsense about not wanting it known while Doyle was still on the run. Reid was all for not wanting Doyle to have the satisfaction of knowing he'd killed Emily. But he _had_ killed her. Keeping it quiet made no sense now. Reid had tried to protest, but Hotch had been stern. This was how it had to be. Private. Quiet. Small. So unlike the life she'd lived.

Even her mother wouldn't attend. After all, the presence of an ambassador would attract attention.

Reid swallowed the outrage that threatened to build once again. He needed to prepare himself for what was to come. This day promised to be every bit as bright and cold as the day they'd buried Haley. The chill seemed appropriate, the brightness something to resent.

Reid would don his long coat, and accent it with the purple scarf that Emily had always loved so much, knowing he could never wear it again without remembering the day he'd committed his dear friend to the earth.

And then, he would join Morgan at the head of the casket, flashing back all the while to the similar roles they'd played for Haley not long enough ago. And he would set his jaw, and keep his eyes aimed straight ahead, lest they should make contact with another pair, and thereby overflow. All this he planned, dreading the hour when he should have to live it out. But, all too soon, that hour came.

The priest was reciting the usual prayers and supplications to the too-small crowd gathered at the graveside. Reid stood next to JJ and ached to reach out to hold her hand, as Morgan had done with Garcia. But Will was among the small group of mourners, and Reid could feel the challenging eyes upon him. He would keep his hands at his side, and clench his fists, wishing they were not so empty.

To the surprise of literally everyone present, the priest was interrupted when he tried to conclude the brief service.

"Hmm—mmm." Reid cleared his throat. "I'd like to say something."

JJ, standing next to him, was stunned. She'd been just barely holding it in, nearly broken by the expressions on the faces of Morgan and Garcia, positioned across from them. Her eyes had sought out Hotch's repeatedly, begging him to help her stand strong. She'd uttered silent prayers of thanks that she couldn't look directly at Spence, sure his grief would have completely undone her resolve. And now, he apparently wanted to give a eulogy. 

_Spence!_

The priest was encouraging, if surprised. The attendees at this funeral seemed unusually restrained.

"Go ahead."

Reid spoke from his place alongside the grave, his voice hoarse, but determined.

"Emily Prentiss was a remarkable human being. As a girl, she lived all over the world with her parents, who worked as ambassadors. She moved in the social circles of the rich and powerful of many countries…..and yet, she was the most down to earth person I've ever known. She used her early life experiences to help her understand people. And she was so very good at that. She understood the people whose lives had been destroyed by evil. Sometimes she even understood those who committed the evil. And I… I will be forever grateful that she understood _me_."

JJ tensed at that, maybe just a little bit jealous...but mostly rueful of being complicit in depriving Spence of that understanding.

"She knew almost as many languages as I do, and she used them to work with the people who needed her help. She connected with them. She protected them. She saved them, and countless others who will never even know about her. They'll live their lives, free of fear or compromise, because of the good heart of a woman who asked, really, nothing in return. They'll never know that she saved them. But she did. And, in many ways, she saved me, too.

"Emily was my friend, and I loved her." After a long pause, he added, "That's all."

She couldn't help it_. I don't care if you don't like it,_ she thought at Will, _I need this. We both do. _She reached over and took Reid's hand, holding it tightly. He flashed a sideways look at her, and saw her silently mouth, _Beautiful._

When the ceremony ended a few moments later, they all broke for their respective cars. But JJ lingered a moment behind, not choosing to acknowledge Will's beckoning look. Instead, she turned to Reid, walking slowly beside her.

"Spence…. what you said…. are you okay? Will you be okay?" She knew he would be going home alone.

"She deserved something, JJ. Not just this quickie service at the graveside. I don't care if Doyle is still on the loose. He already took her life. We shouldn't have let him take her dignity."

The hurt and the anger bled through in his tone. JJ felt an unmistakable conviction that she shouldn't leave him alone.

"Spence… come home with me. Come back to the house, please. You can visit with Henry. He misses you…and he's sure to cheer you up."

Seeing that he was about to refuse her, she played her trump card. "Please, Spence. I need you."

* * *

None of them knew, then, that it would only be the first time of many. But Reid followed JJ and Will home, and, however awkwardly, inserted himself into their family life. Will dropped JJ at the house before going to pick up Henry at the sitter's, inadvertently giving her time alone with Reid.

He arrived just a few seconds behind her, and was about to ring the bell when she turned from where she was hanging her coat in the foyer closet.

"Spence..really? You don't have to be so formal."

"It's not my house, JJ." _And I don't exactly feel at home here._

She'd moved from her first apartment after Will relocated to DC. Somehow, the detective from New Orleans had made this new home seem anything but welcoming to Spencer Reid.

"Well…..never mind. Just come in." She stepped aside to make room, and then reached for his coat and scarf. The purple one. The one that so oddly accented his eyes. She didn't know it was the one that Emily loved.

Now that they were there, it felt awkward to both of them. But only because they knew they wouldn't be alone for more than a few minutes. It was hard to start a weighty conversation when you knew you were going to have to end it abruptly.

JJ would have reverted to small talk, but she was too worried about him, and feeling too guilty about her duplicity. She decided to take advantage of whatever time would be given them.

"How are you? Really, how are you?"

He was feeling the pressure of time as well. "I'm…. I'm not good."

She could only stare at him. Her instinct was to ask, "What can I do to make it better?" But she wasn't about to follow that instinct. Wasn't about to make it better. Even when she knew exactly what he needed. Even when what he needed was, simply, the truth.

And so, her only response could be, "I'm sorry."

* * *

"Come for dinner on Friday, okay? Henry's been asking for you all week. It's gotten so I think his favorite words are 'Uncle Spence'."

He smiled on the other end of the phone. "And he says it exactly right. Do you know how remarkable it is that he speaks so clearly? I mean, he's only two and a half….and he's a boy. That's advanced!"

JJ returned his unseen smile, tickled at how much he always reveled in Henry's accomplishments. As though the genes traveled in the god-family.

"Well, your very advanced godson would love to spend a little more time with his godfather. So, can you come?"

He hesitated. The visit last week, after the funeral, had been awkward at best. The three adults and the one child, gathered at the table, two of the adults simply pushing their food around. The only real conversation had been stimulated by Henry.

Blessed Henry.

* * *

"Uncle Spence, know what I did today?"

Reid would be ever grateful to his godson for breaking the oppressive silence.

"No, what did you do today, Henry?"

"I drawed a picture. Of you!"

"You did?" Despite his grief, the pleasure bled through into Reid's voice. "Can I see it?"

Henry looked to his mother for permission.

"Are you done eating, Little Man?" Much of his food was still on its plate, but that wasn't all that unusual.

"All done, Mommy! Can I show Uncle Spence his picture?"

"Wash your hands, first, okay? Uncle Spence doesn't need ketchup all over his picture."

" 'kay!" He wriggled down and ran off. In the silence, they could hear water running for three seconds, and then the patter of little feet in the hallway. Momentarily, Henry returned, waving a paper behind him in the wind created by his body.

"Here it is!" He laid the paper in Reid's lap and looked up expectantly at his godfather.

It was a full-body portrait. Reid's legs made up three quarters of his body, his head most of the rest.

_It's probably how I look to him from down there._

The figure had long, flowing brown hair and brown eyes, and, perhaps most remarkably, it had huge hands, each finger painstakingly drawn. Reid traced his fleshly fingers up and down the lines of the drawing, absorbing the love that had gone into it.

When his real fingers touched those on the drawing, Henry enthused, "They're for magic! Do magic, Uncle Spence!"

Before Reid could respond, Henry had run out of the room again, only to return thirty seconds later with his piggy bank. "I have money!" He started shaking the bank upside down, vigorously.

Reid puzzled it out for a moment, and then understood. "Whoa, Henry, stop! You'll drop it. Here, Buddy, we don't have to use your money. I think I've got a quarter in my pocket."

Reid stood and started to fish around in his pants pockets, feeling a disappointing emptiness. Rolling his eyes, Will reached into his own pocket and drew out a coin.

"This what you're looking for?"

"Yay! Daddy has money!"

Reid refused to answer the challenge in Will's eyes as he took the quarter. "Thanks, this will do."

"Hurry up, Uncle Spence!" Henry was hopping from one foot to the other, in eager anticipation.

"All right, Boss. Here, take this quarter. That's right. Now turn it over. Anything seem strange about it?"

Henry, knowing his part in the trick, shook his head 'no', a big, conspiratorial grin on his face.

"Okay, then, give it back here." Reid held out his palm, and Henry placed the coin in it. "Okay, now. What happens next, I forget."

"You disappear it, Uncle Spence! You go like this…." Henry made a fist. "And then you go like this…." He opened his hand again, and feigned surprise. "And it's gone!"

Reid intended to mix it up on his godson this time. "You mean, like this?" He closed his fist on the quarter, and opened it back up again. To Henry's great disappointment, the coin was still there.

"It breaked?"

Reid looked concerned. "I don't know, Henry. It was supposed to be gone, but…." A surprised look came over the godfather's face. "What's this? I feel something…." And he opened his other hand, producing a quarter.

Henry was astonished. "But… is it a 'nother one?" He started to reach for the coin, but then his eye caught something. The empty palm where the quarter had lain just a second ago.

"You moved it, Uncle Spence! You disappeared it, and it came here!"

"Hmm. So it would seem. I guess it did."

"Do 'gain!" he commanded.

Reid went through the whole thing one more time, to the great delight of his godson. But when the little tyke demanded it yet again, JJ stepped in.

"Henry, it's getting to be your nap time, isn't it?" Even though he was beginning to outgrow them. "Maybe Uncle Spence can read you a story. A short story…" she amended, interpreting a look on Reid's face. "And then you can sleep for a while. He can show you more tricks the next time he comes over, okay?"

"T'morrow, Uncle Spence. 'kay? You come over t'morrow."

Reid's eyes went from JJ's to Will's. It was strange how they could send such conflicting messages.

"I don't know about tomorrow, Henry. I'll probably have to work. But soon, okay?"

Henry wasn't at all subdued, since he didn't really have a sense of 'tomorrow' versus 'soon'. He only knew 'now'. And now it was time for his Uncle Spence to read him a story before nap. He tugged at Reid's hand until the man stood and followed him down the hall to his small bedroom.

Henry spent some time perusing his literary choices, his version of perusing consisting of picking up each book in turn and tossing all of the rejects into a pile on the floor. Finally, he seemed satisfied.

"This one."

Reid took it from him. It was a little book with a cardboard cover and a golden binding, entitled, "My Daddy Is A Policeman". Reid wasn't all that familiar with children's literature…. hadn't been, even as a child…. but he doubted this was one of the classics. Still, Henry seemed invested in it.

"Okay, how do we do this?"

Henry laughed, thinking his godfather was making a joke. Then he realized that Reid wasn't familiar with the routine. In a knowing tone, he gave his instructions.

"You have to lay down." He waited patiently while Reid folded his long frame onto the short toddler bed. Reid could hear a muffled giggle in the hallway, and knew JJ was spying on them, and laughing at how far his feet hung over the edge of the mattress.

"Then….." It was easier to show him. Henry reached up and pulled Reid's arm around him, then placed that hand on one side of the book. Reid anticipated his next move, and opened the book up to the start of the story, savoring the feel of it when Henry laid his head back on his chest, ready to be entertained.

Moved, Reid bent over and kissed the top of Henry's head. It was the kind of affectionate gesture that JJ had only ever seen Reid display with her son. She thanked God that each of them, held so close in her heart, held each other close as well.

Henry started to drift off just as Reid reached the end of the story. But when he felt the jostling of the bed as Reid started to rise, Henry turned and lifted his arms to his godfather, wanting a 'goodbye' hug.

Reid couldn't have resisted if he'd wanted to. He bent again, and sat on the bed next to Henry. He folded the little boy in his arms and held him close. Reid closed his eyes and breathed in the innocence of his godson, so new to the world, so ripe with possibility. He couldn't help but feel the poignant irony of that other life, now ended. Once upon a time, Emily Prentiss had been like Henry….young, full of hope, blessedly unfamiliar with sorrow, or hate. And yet, both had overtaken her, claimed the life from her, before it was even half lived.

He realized he'd started to squeeze Henry too tightly when the youngster began to squirm. Reid released him with another kiss, and a mumbled, "I love you. Sleep tight." Then he bolted for the door in a move that reminded JJ of his attempt to escape the hospital waiting room.

"Spence!" A whispered exclamation, as she hurried down the hallway after him. "You don't need to leave so soon, do you?"

He was already at the closet, grabbing his coat. When he turned to her, she saw the grief fully returned to his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I….. yes, I need to go." His voice was shaking. As were his hands. It took an extra moment for him to get his coat on.

"Spence…."

"I just need to be alone, JJ. That's all."

She felt like there was unspoken apology oozing from every cell of her body. "All right. But…"

She tipped herself up and put her arms around him, pulling him as close as she could. His arms wrapped around her, and she could feel his body shaking as he swallowed back a sob.

"It's all right," she started to soothe. Even though she knew it wasn't. It was just what you said, wasn't it?

Reid was less familiar with the convention. "No, it's not. I don't think it will ever be all right again."

He crushed her to him one more time, released her, and left.

* * *

That had been four days ago. Four days of paper consults at his desk, and four nights of fleeting, fitful sleep. Maybe Henry _was_ what he needed. He was sure JJ was. But he didn't think his presence was all that welcomed by the other member of the household.

As though she'd read his mind, JJ offered an additional piece of information.

"Oh, and it will only be the three of us. Will's got two weeks of evening shifts."

"Oh, too bad. I guess I'll miss him then. What time do you want me?"


	38. Chapter 38

**Prelude**

**Chapter 38**

Fate handed Spencer Reid yet another disappointment when the team was called out on a case Friday morning. He felt like he was barely holding on, only the promise of letting down with JJ getting him through the long nights and fruitless days. But now, they were called away to assist in investigating a series of murders of seemingly unrelated victims, by an unsub who appeared to be escalating by the moment.

On top of it all, the headaches had returned. They'd been gradually getting better, until the time Emily had disappeared. And now,ever since she'd been lost, the headaches had brought a throbbing, unrelenting pain, and a visceral fear of what they might actually signify. Reid kept it to himself, not wanting to add to the burdens of the others. Instead, he maxed out on ibuprofen, resulting in a loss of appetite and a nagging abdominal pain to complement the one in his head. He should have been too miserable to work, both his physical condition and his grief disabling him. Yet, there he was, on a case.

_How can I even think about this? How can I be analyzing facts, and making propositions about what's happening? Why am I able to focus, even for a minute at a time?_

_"Because you know how important it is. Because you know it matters. Because you care. Because it's the right thing to do."_

It was as though he'd heard her say it herself. Like she was inside his head. He'd heard the words in Emily's voice.

_But you're so much better at this than I am. You were always able to compartmentalize, and get the job done, no matter what. That's not me. I can't do it. I know they all think I don't feel things, but I do!_

_"Of course you do, Handsome. That's why you do the job. It's why you're so good at it. But don't waste those feelings on me. Take care of the ones who are still in the world. Make your life count. Make mine count."_

The left brain of Spencer Reid knew he was just building this internal conversation on ones he'd had with her before. But his right brain was in full relationship with Emily Prentiss, and told him that she was somehow real, and present, and watching over him. He began to play a game of 'what would Emily do'. And it worked. He was able to get back to work.

"I think it's one unsub, not a gang as we'd thought. I think he's delusional. It would account for the murders seeming so random, yet so violent. He's being influenced by the crowd of voices in his head."

Reid's conclusion resonated with the others, and became a part of the profile. But, as he heard the others deliver that profile, he began to withdraw, to curl in upon himself. Their unsub was probably schizophrenic. As was Diana. As, worried Reid, was he.

It was something he'd never voiced aloud, even to himself. Certainly not to Emily, nor even to JJ. All of the team were aware of his risk, but not of his fear. He'd been willing to share the one, but not the other. It wasn't something they discussed. At least, not with Reid.

He had no way of knowing that Gideon had brought the dilemma to Hotch, and, later, Hotch to Rossi.

"It's definitely got a genetic component. But it can be variably expressed. Just because his mother needed institutionalization doesn't mean he will, even if he develops it. He's so young, it might not have shown itself yet. Watch him. Look for the subtle signs."

Reid hadn't needed to hear that conversation to launch his own search for the subtle signs. Like headaches. And emotional instability.

After the delivery of the profile, Morgan found him in the washroom, throwing water at his face. He'd noticed Reid's body language, and correctly guessed the cause of it. He could tell it was time to be direct with his young colleague, and he was. His intuition was confirmed when Reid responded.

"My mother is schizophrenic. There are many types of schizophrenia….paranoid, catatonic…."

"I know, Kid. And I know this is a scary time for you. You're at the age when it often presents." _Even if you're not scared, I'm scared for you._

Reid fell back against the sink, exhaustion present in every feature of his face.

"Talk to me, Kid."

They'd been colleagues for six years, friends for a good part of that time. And still, Derek Morgan couldn't have said why he cared so much about Reid. Two more different personalities had never been created.

As he thought about whether he should say anything to Morgan, Reid realized what had happened to the two people he'd shared it with already. He'd told JJ about the headaches..….and she'd been sent away. Then he'd told Emily...and she'd been _taken_ away. _Do I dare?_

But the look on Morgan's face made it clear that he wasn't about to leave his young colleague alone. So Reid had no choice.

"I've been having these headaches. They're pretty bad…."

_Headaches._ Morgan would never tell Reid this, but he'd read up on schizophrenia, and how it presented. Headaches were on the list, but way down at the bottom.

"Have you told this to anyone else?"

Reid kept his eyes glued to the floor. "Emily."

_Emily. And now she's gone. God. Is there no end to the pain of this? _

Morgan's own grief over Emily was deep, cutting...but channeled into a determination to find Doyle and exact vengeance. In an unguarded moment, he'd expressed that thought to Hotch, and Hotch had made him feel like there was something unhealthy about it.

_But at least I'm not falling apart like my Pretty Boy is._

He recognized what his young colleague feared but Morgan thought there might be a less frightening cause of Reid's headaches.

"You miss her, Kid. We all do. But the best way to deal with it is to do what you know she would have done. Like now. What do you think she would have done here?"

Reid shrugged. "Gone with the profile. Looked for the single unsub."

"Exactly. Listen, Kid, I know you're scared. I would be too. But I promise you, if I ever think you're not making sense….well, not making 'Spencer Reid' sense….I'll take care of it."

That was met with a small, wry smile. As frightened as Reid had always been for himself, he'd been equally as frightened for what might happen to others because of him. Without realizing it, Morgan had just given him the assurance he'd so badly needed.

"Thanks."

* * *

_It isn't always satisfying to be right_, observed Reid.

They'd caught their schizophrenic unsub. Or, more precisely, they'd killed him. But not until after he'd tried to kill Reid, rushing at the young profiler with a knife in hand. Despite the unexpected attack, Reid's lightning-quick mind had managed to take the time to think about whether he'd want the unsub to succeed.

_Death is inevitable anyway, isn't it? Why not now? And, if there's anything to the idea of the afterlife, maybe I'd get to be with Emily. Would that be so bad?  
_

But then he'd have to leave JJ, and Henry, and the remaining members of the team. Of all of them, Reid found himself most influenced by the possibility of leaving Henry.

_He's so young. And he needs me, I think. I know he has a father, but I can't help but think that he needs me. And…..I think...he loves me. I know I love him. I can't take the chance that it would hurt him.  
_

Reid had time to think all of this in the split-second that transpired between when the unsub tried to come after him with the knife, and the moment Morgan's bullet brought him down. It all became moot, just that quickly.

But not so, in Reid's mind. Once the process of evaluating his life had begun, it intended to be seen through to the end.

_What am I doing here? Am I really helping anyone? I didn't exactly help Emily, did I? If we can't use our skills to help each other, what's the point? Is there a point at all?_

The following week, Hotch insisted upon performing individual grief assessments. He met with each remaining team member, in turn, to assess their status and offer whatever relief they might need. Both Rossi and Morgan challenged their unit chief on it. He was too close to the whole thing himself. Who was helping him with it?

But, perhaps as a measure of how shaken they were, Garcia and Reid simply accepted the process, and laid themselves bare. Reid voiced exactly what he'd said to himself during the prior case.

"It's like…if we can't take care of each other, what's the point?"

* * *

The second Friday brought another invitation from JJ.

"Will's still on evenings, so it'll just be us."

"Can I bring something?"

"Just yourself. And maybe a magic trick for Henry."

He smiled. "Done. I'll see you Friday."

* * *

This week's case had wrapped quickly, and they were back by midday on Friday.

LANDED. STILL ON?

STILL ON. 6.

He ran a little late. He'd stood in front of the bakery display, unable to make a decision, until the clerk asked him, "Who will be eating the dessert?"

He'd told her.

"The brownies then. You can pick up ice cream next door."

"Ice cream?"

"Ice cream. He's going on three, right? Trust me."

He did. And then he hurried on to visit the only two people in the world who had the power to make him want to stay in it.

"Uncle Spence!" Henry ran as fast as his short stride would carry him, and locked his arms around Reid's left leg.

"Hey, Little Man!" Reid placed his parcels on the ground, and picked Henry up for a proper hug. "I missed you!"

"Me too, Uncle Spence! And Mommy, too!"

Mommy came down the hall to assure herself that they didn't have an unwanted intruder.

"Spence, hi!"

"Hi." He picked up the dessert packages from the floor and handed them to her, still clutching Henry with his other arm. "The bakery clerk said this would be a good idea."

JJ peeked into the bags. "The bakery clerk is very wise."

* * *

He'd barely been able to eat all week. But, somehow, Henry's ramblings over dinner were sufficiently distracting that the doting godfather was able to down a full plate of macaroni and cheese. The brownie and ice cream that followed went down easily as well, as Henry provided a full running commentary on the culinary complementarity between the baked good and the frozen dairy product.

Well, not really. What he actually said was, "This is great, Uncle Spence! Chocolate and chocolate! I love chocolate, Uncle Spence! Do you love chocolate?"

After dinner, Reid made a few quarters and building blocks appear from behind Henry's ears. When the enthused toddler began to yawn, however, Reid begged off the bedtime routine. That honor belonged to the absent Will, and Reid sensed it would be treacherous to tread on that ground. Instead, he confined himself to the living room, thumbing through a series of less than engaging television programs, as JJ put her son through his bedtime ritual.

When she emerged, Reid made room for her on the sofa.

"Feels a little like old times, doesn't it?" She observed.

"A little." Very little.

"He prays for you, you know."

It shouldn't have surprised him. He was the god-father, after all. But it did.

"He does?"

She nodded. "He prays for his Uncle Spence, and his Auntie Penelope..."

"And Emily? Does he pray for Emily?" Placing unreasonable importance on her answer.

"Well….yes. Sure. I guess. Not by name, but….you know. He's little, Spence. The only ones he prays for by name are his parents, his grandparents, and his godparents."

"Oh." Disappointment…..unreasonable disappointment…..making its way into his tone.

It was enough to point JJ in a direction. "Do you pray for Emily, Spence?"

She knew he'd not exactly been religious. At least, not before Hankel had 'killed' him.

He was quiet for too long a moment, hesitating at his answer.

"I prayed for her before. You know, that we would find her…..in time…"

His voice fell off at the end. But he rallied enough to add, "But, after….I wouldn't know what to pray for."

JJ knew, exactly. _Pray that we'll be able to bring her home soon. Pray that I'll be able to tell you. Pray that our friendship will be able to survive this._

She reached out and rubbed his shoulder. "How are you doing, Spence?"

He was such a different being these days, his emotions so close to the surface. He felt like he was constantly on the edge of control, all too often losing it. And feeling like he could lose himself at the same time.

"I'm… I'm doing my job. Somehow. I swear, JJ, I don't know how I'm doing it. But there I am, analyzing unsubs and giving profiles. Sometimes I wonder if I'm like some people say I am….unfeeling... robotic."

JJ's eyes widened. She'd heard those comments about him, and always resented them, even if she'd understood where they came from. But to learn that he was aware of them too...

"Spence…."

He spoke over her. "It's all right. It doesn't matter. Maybe they're right."

She felt like she needed to defend him to himself. "They're not right. You're one of the most caring people I know. That's what makes you able to go back to work. You care about the victims. You even care about the unsubs, even when most of us can't. Please don't think you're not touched by losing Emily, just because you can carry on."

A small, sad smile crossed his face. "That's what Emily said."

JJ tensed. _'Emily said'? Is he testing me? Does he know?_ She actually hoped he did, so they could end this, and try to put it behind them.

Her answer came when he continued. "I think we'd gotten to know each other so well that I could predict what she'd say, even before she said it. And I'm still doing it, only it's all in my head now. So it's like she's still giving me advice."

JJ let out a held breath, disappointed. It seemed the lie would have to continue.

"Are you sleeping?" She couldn't help but notice the deepening dark around his eyes.

He shrugged. "A couple of hours, I guess, when I get really exhausted. Whenever my mind isn't occupied with something else, it goes right back to Emily...and then I can't let it go enough to rest."

"What about your headaches, then?"

After his conversation with Reid during the case, Morgan had vented his concern for his younger colleague to Garcia who, of course, had immediately called JJ.

He sensed it, and gave her a sideways look. "You know, don't you?"

She explained the chain of information. "Don't be mad at him, Spence. He's just worried."

Reid shook his head, staring at the floor. "He has enough on his plate, he shouldn't be worried about me. He doesn't like anyone to see it, but he's shaken by this. He was with her at the end, the last moments she was conscious. But he didn't _know_ it was the end. He didn't _know_ he wouldn't ever speak with her again." He stared off a while longer, before adding, "If he had, he might have had a chance to say goodbye."

JJ shifted so that she was looking right at him. "It's important to you, isn't it? That you have some kind of closure when you lose someone."

He shrugged. "I've never had the chance to find out. I mean, maybe it's not that important. Not to most people. Logically, it seems like if someone is gone, whether or not you knew they were leaving...well, you'd still have the same experience. They would just be absent from your life. But...I don't know, maybe it's because of how I've lost people before. Like I wasn't enough of a reason for them to stay. But to me, it's important."

"Emily would never have left us if she hadn't had to. You know that, right? She would have done everything she could to stay. It just wasn't possible." Careful of her phrasing. If she couldn't retract the lie, she certainly wasn't about to deepen it.

He nodded. "I know. She didn't get the choice. Doyle took that from her. He took it from all of us."

A small alarm went off in the back of JJ's head. A sense of something wrong, something new, on top of all the other things that were wrong. Something about the venom that had crept into Reid's voice with his last sentence. But she didn't get to pursue it before he changed the subject.

"How are _you_ dealing with this, JJ? I mean, I know you already had to say goodbye to Emily, in a way, when you left the team. But you were still friends, right? You guys were pretty close."

JJ didn't want the spotlight turned in her direction. She didn't think she had enough artifice within her to withstand extended scrutiny. Especially not from her best friend.

"Me? I'm sad. But it's like you pointed out. We already weren't seeing each other all the time anyway. So day to day, it's not that different from before."

"But it's the idea of it, isn't it? That she's not in the world anymore. If you just didn't work together, you could at least pick up the phone and call her, or plan to get together. But not now."

She opened her mouth to respond, but he wasn't done. It was almost like he was thinking aloud, still trying to work it out, trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

"It's not just that we don't get to see her, or talk to her. That's the selfish part. It's that _she_ doesn't get any more... of anything. Whatever experiences of life she had...they're all she will ever get. She'll never get married, or have children, or ...or ...or even enjoy another great book, or film, or meal. She'll never have another conversation... all of it is over. It was all taken away. It's so unfair."

He'd gotten himself worked up as he'd spoken, his voice broken, fallen away by the final sentences. JJ's eyes filled as she saw the tears brimming his.

"Come here," she said, as she opened her arms to him once again. And, once again, he moved into them, and held her, and breathed her in as though her very scent held the elusive answers he sought.

JJ laid her head on his shoulder, and wished she could cry it out with him. But the tears simply wouldn't spill, as though her body realized it didn't deserve the release.

* * *

"I can't do this, Hotch. I can't keep it from him. He's too torn up. It's hurting him. It's hurting _us_."

"JJ, we've been over this. The situation hasn't changed. The best thing we can do is to find Doyle and put an end to this as quickly as possible. But you and I both know that we'll put Emily at risk again if anyone else knows. She's only just beginning to recover. The doctors don't think she'd survive another attack now."

"But... I know...I know. But I really don't think I can do this, Hotch. Maybe... maybe you can help him?"

She'd put it as a question.

"JJ, I'm his superior. He can't let down with me, not completely. And I don't want to lose him while we're trying to help Emily. It has to be you, I'm afraid."

"Lose him? What do you mean?"

He told her what Reid had said during his grief assessment. _"It's like...if we can't take care of each other, why are we even doing this? Sometimes I think Gideon was right. Maybe it's not worth it."_

JJ was alarmed. "Are you saying he would quit? Do you think he would leave the BAU? The FBI?"

"I'm saying I think it's a possibility, based on what he said. So I'm asking you again, can you do this?"

She swallowed the bile that threatened to rise. "I'll do it. I have to."


	39. Chapter 39

_ **A.N. I couldn't exactly reconcile the story as we knew it with the retconning of (the awful) '200'. So, for the purposes of this story, '200' never happened.  
** _

* * *

**Prelude**

**Chapter 39**

This time, neither Will nor Henry were there. JJ had made sure of it. When she'd called Reid yesterday to confirm their brunch, she could tell right away he was upset. _More_ upset. So she'd sent Will and Henry on a series of Saturday errands, and suggested the father and son might like to have lunch at one of those places where kids enjoy the playground more than the food.

"I thought you said it wasn't good for him." Will knew JJ wasn't a stranger to junk food herself, but she tried to keep it from their son.

"He won't eat it, once he sees that giant pile of foam balls. He'll only want to jump in and play. Just get him the apple for dessert…oh, and make sure he gets milk. No soda."

Will gave her a 'what are you up to' look, but decided to go along. "All right. We'll see you in a few hours. C'mon, Little Man, we've got a lot to do."

* * *

Thirty minutes later, JJ answered the door to a distressed Spencer Reid.

"What happened?" she asked, as he brushed past her into the hallway.

"Strauss is gone."

JJ hadn't heard. "What!?"

"Gone. She told Hotch she 'had to be away'," making finger quotes, "and she needed him to step in for her."

JJ took that in, wondering what might actually be going on with her former Section Chief. And musing that, if this had happened a year ago, she might still be with the BAU. She was still certain Strauss had orchestrated her transfer for some misguided attempt to support her ambition.

But that didn't quite explain why Reid was so upset. "I didn't know that you were so fond of her, Spence. In fact, I thought…."

He didn't let her finish. "It's not her. It's Hotch. If he steps into her position, he'll leave the team. I don't think we can function without him, JJ." He added a mumbled, "I don't think I can."

Ah, now she got it. He was seeing it as another loss. JJ was aware of Reid's dependence on Hotch. She had, after all, tried to foster it when she'd realized how unhealthy the relationship with Gideon was.

Not that Reid wasn't capable of doing his job without Hotch. Quite the contrary. If anything, Hotch relied upon Reid, often with a sense of unwavering faith that his young genius would be able to find the answer they all needed. But that was exactly it. That unwavering faith was a necessary support for the young man who, in spite of all his unusual talents and abilities, was still so insecure. Neither man had ever discussed it with the other. But they both were insightful enough to recognize the dynamic. That they allowed it to continue was a measure of their mutual respect and caring.

JJ knew how close Spence had become with Morgan, and even with Rossi, once he was past the hero-worship stage. But neither of those relationships were capable of replacing the one he had with Hotch.

"It isn't permanent, is it? I mean, 'having to be away' sounds like she's thinking she'll come back, right?"

He shrugged. "Who knows? That's what it sounds like now, but who knows what will happen."

She'd steered him out to the kitchen, so she could put on coffee.

"So, is Hotch not traveling with the team?"

Another shrug. "It just happened a few days ago, when we got back from the last case. He told us at the morning meeting. He just said he'd be 'a bit busier' than before."

She handed him a mug, then pushed a bowl of sugar at him. "You know I only own this because of you, don't you?" Hoping to get a smile.

She did. "I'll bet you hide it when I'm not here, so Henry can't…." For the first time, he seemed to have noticed how quiet the house was. "Where is he?"

She explained. "I could tell something was wrong. Well, something new, I mean. So I thought maybe we should have a little time alone."

He smiled in gratitude at her understanding. "You always could tell." Sounding sad, as though he missed it. Then sadder still, when he added, "So could Emily."

JJ knew there was no point in going down that road again. "So can Morgan. Right?"

He stared into his cup. "Yeah. He can. But it's different…."

JJ closed her eyes, shaking her head ever so slightly. "You guys. Will is just like you."

_That_ was a first. "Me? Like Will? How?"

"No matter how old you get, you always need mothering. That's the only reason it feels different when it's Morgan who worries about you, or Hotch, or Rossi. They care just as much, they just show it differently."

He squinted at her now, processing what she'd said. Maybe…. But for him, it might make sense. He'd not had the traditional mother figure in his life. Maybe it was a natural human craving. Maybe that's why he needed it still…. Although, until this conversation, he'd not thought about it at all. But….Will?

"Why Will?"

"Hmm. Why. Well, I guess it starts with the fact that he's a born and bred New Orleans boy, and they always love their mamas. And maybe because he lost his, when he was only twenty, and he still misses her. All I know is, he's as bad as Henry when it comes to wanting some TLC."

Having been on the receiving end of it a couple of notable times, Reid was more than a bit jealous of JJ's boyfriend being gifted so regularly with her tender loving care.

"I didn't know he'd lost his mother so young." _Even if she's not fully functional, at least you still have her_, he admonished himself. "I guess we never really know what burdens people carry, do we?"

She sat back and looked at him. "No, we don't." Hoping this might mean he'd start to direct his attention externally, get out of his own head, and his own misery.

Emily had already been gone for more than a month, and his pain was still so close to the surface. Not that she wanted him to bury it. Not that she wanted him to have pain at all. Not that she didn't argue the point with herself, daily.

_You promised._

_But I didn't promise her! She wouldn't want him in pain._

_You don't want to operate out of sympathy, and lose her for real, do you? What would he go through then? What would you go through?_

_Either way, I'd lose him._

That was the real dilemma. The only way she thought her relationship with Spence might survive this would be for Emily to stay gone. For him to never know about the lie. But _she_ would know about it. And, even if he never knew it was between them, _she_ would know. _That's not any kind of relationship._

But, if she disclosed that their friend was alive, it would almost certainly put Emily's life at risk. JJ didn't have to be a profiler to know that much about human nature. He'd want to reach out, or someone else on the team would. And Doyle would find out. They'd already learned the hard way that Emily was no match for Doyle on her own. She would need her team, but couldn't have them, because she couldn't be acknowledged as alive.

So, no, Emily would have to stay 'dead' and the vengeful search for Doyle continue. And if they were lucky enough to win that battle, Emily could return.

It was the thought that always tore her apart. The scenario that most often kept her up at night. Because it was the most likely. The BAU was excellent at its job. They _would_ find Doyle, and Emily _would_ return. And when she did, JJ would rejoice at the return of her old friend, and mourn the loss of her dearest.

This had already been going on too long. There had been too many untaken opportunities to relieve his pain, no matter how strong the reason. And she knew him too well. She knew he would resent it. And that, even if he could find it in him not to hate her, he would never again trust her.

_So, why not put an end to this now? Why keep inviting him over? You can't help him. He'll only resent you more, when he finds out. Let him cry it out on his own, and get on with your life._

_No! Even if he hates me….. I don't hate him. He didn't ask for any of this, not any more than I did. But I'm not going to pretend I don't care, just because caring hurts. I care…. and I hurt…._

The whole time she'd been recounting her internal arguments, Reid had been staring out her kitchen window, having his own private conversation.

_You need to stop this. She's got a life without you. Like she said, other people have problems too. Other people lose people who are important to them. Grow up._

He felt a molecule of resolve begin to form within….and then quickly dissolve, when he saw a pair of tears coursing down her cheeks. Misunderstanding their cause, he stood, and moved around the table to her side. He took her hand to lift her from her seat, and drew her to him.

The tenderness of his gesture broke her. JJ clung to him, crying softly into his shoulder. Without planning it, she sculpted a physical memory of him….the feel of his hands on her back, her hair….the feel of his shoulders under her palms….the feel of his chest against hers…. the scent she'd breathed in so often….the warmth of his tears on her neck…

His tears. JJ looked up. He was crying. Again. But this time, she knew she'd brought it on.

She pulled back, and wiped her thumbs below his eyes, cradling his face in her fingers, scanning his features into her brain, adding the visual to her other sense memories. The ones that might some day be all she had left.

"I'm sorry," she said, "this one was my fault."

He'd berated himself the last time, when it had been his tears that had fallen first. JJ's anguish had long since overcome her guilt. She cried nearly every time he did. And he'd become angry with himself for bringing it on.

"I need to stop this. It's not good for either of us. Why can't I stop?"

She'd shushed him. "Because you lost someone you care greatly about. Be patient with yourself, Spence. You can't put a time limit on grief."

They were virtually the same words she'd spoken to Will, when he'd begun to make remarks about Reid's visits.

"Dammit, JJ, I work all week too. I'd like to spend some time alone with my wife on a Friday night."

_I'm not your wife. Maybe, if I was, I wouldn't be lying to you, too_. But she_ wasn't_ his wife, and she _was_ lying to him. _Another relationship that might not survive this._

But, to appease Will, she'd changed the visits to Saturdays, inviting Reid for a meal and a playdate with his godson each weekend.

It was as though the toddler was himself an elixir of comfort and healing. Reid brightened on those days, playing with Henry, reading him stories, delighting him with magic. Henry would use his blocks to build the same structure every week, but Reid would transform it into something different each time…. a treehouse, or a fort, or a castle…. by weaving a story around it. JJ smiled to watch her son, listening to his godfather with rapt attention, as Spence translated some medieval classic into a tale that could transfix a toddler.

_Who knew, my friend? _But she remembered meeting his mother, and learning about how Diana used to read to Spence_. See what she did for you? Thank you, Diana._

And then, when Henry would nap, they would talk, and the pain would come spilling right back out….as would the tears. But last week, he'd stemmed them quickly, and angrily.

"People are right. I'm a wimp. I need to stop this. _She_ would tell me to stop."

"People?" Cringing inside, thinking she knew what it meant.

His failure to meet her eyes confirmed it. "People. It doesn't matter. They're right. I need to stop."

_He heard us._ Moving the visits to Saturdays hadn't been enough for Will, who resented the constant intrusion of Spencer Reid into his family life. It was one of the most common sources of argument between them, second only to his desire that she have a job with less travel, more regular hours and….preferably….in New Orleans. That day, last Saturday, they'd argued while Spence was reading Henry into his nap. And, having heard the argument, Reid had been determined to end his visits.

When she'd invited him for this week, he'd initially turned her down. But she'd heard that thing in his voice that told her he was struggling more than he had before. So she countered with an invitation to brunch, and told him she'd promised Henry he could eat his favorite chocolate chip pancakes with his Uncle Spence. It wasn't the first time she'd played the Henry card, and it wouldn't be the last.

Now they were both crying and Henry wasn't even home yet. Before Reid could ask JJ what had prompted her tears, they heard the sound of a car door slam in the driveway. Reid's eyes widened.

JJ read his anxiety. "It's okay. It always takes him a minute to get Henry out of the car seat." But she joined him in swiping at her eyes to remove any physical evidence of the emotion that still filled the room. By the time the two LaMontagne men made it into the house, both BAU agents were able to greet them with wide, forced smiles.

* * *

"I need to go away."

"What? Where? Go away where?"

"I'm going to see my mom. I'll spend some time in Vegas. I just… I need to be away for a while. I need to think."

_But they're talking to me about coming back!_ Yet another thing she couldn't tell him.

"But I thought you didn't like…." He'd admitted it to her, that he dreaded going to visit his mother, dreaded the reminder of what he might become.

"I just need to get away. The team is standing down for a while anyway. And Hotch is going away…"

"Hotch? He's leaving?"

"Not permanently. Not for the Section Chief job, anyway. Strauss is coming back. Hotch is just going on assignment. At least, that's what he told us. Something in Pakistan."

_An FBI agent on assignment in Pakistan?_ She knew they had an international presence, but that was mostly in embassies. _Officially_ in embassies, anyway.

Reid read the unbelieving look on her face. "I know. It's not in the purview of the FBI. He couldn't tell us what it was really about, but my guess is that he's going there to coach the CIA interrogators, try to help them figure out how to profile someone from a different culture. Supposedly he won't be in any danger, but you know….."

She did know. More than Reid understood. And she also knew Reid. He was afraid, in a new way, of losing Hotch, and thereby losing his anchor on the team. Which would mean losing the only livelihood he'd ever known. And the most caring, long-lasting relationships of his life. The ones that remained.

"So, you just want to go away for a while? You'll be back though, right?"

She'd have been more convinced if he'd met her eyes. "Sure. I'll be back."

"Because Henry would really miss you if you were gone, Spence." _Henry, and me._

"I know. I would miss him, too. If anything were to change, I would tell him."

'_If anything were to change.' Not, 'of course I'm not leaving'. Spence!_

But all she could say aloud was "Oh. Okay."

* * *

Ten days later, when the team returned from their final pre-stand-down case in the wee hours of the morning, only Rossi saw her. Only Rossi spoke with her.

"Does this mean what I think it means? Have you thought about what we talked about?"

"I've done nothing but think about it." _And argue with Will, and pray I'm doing the right thing for Henry._ "I'm coming back."

She wished she could have celebrated with Spence. But he was already in flight, making his way to Vegas. The place that would never quite feel like home.


	40. Chapter 40

**Prelude**

**Chapter 40**

"Quite stable, Dr. Reid. For her, I mean." Dr. Norman was quick to qualify his answer to Reid's inquiry.

Reid nodded his understanding. For Diana, 'stable' simply meant no outbursts, no frighteningly strong episodes of paranoia.

"How clear is she?"

"She started a very good spell a few weeks ago. She's faded a bit, but I think you'll still be able to have a good conversation."

The psychiatrist was happy to be able to give Reid a little bit of good news. He was fond of Diana, if vexed by her the recalcitrance of her illness.

Reid brightened. He wasn't usually so fortunate to time his visit when Diana was doing well. "Thanks, Dr. Norman."

He approached the sunroom slowly, thinking back on all of the times he'd walked this same hallway, and all the emotions he'd experienced as he'd done so. Those times when dread, and timidity, had made him turn back around, without ever letting her know he'd been there. The time when his turmoil over his suspicions about his father had forced him to talk to her, needing her help with the case._  
_

But never a time when he looked forward to seeing her, just to see her. Never a time when he was anxious to share some piece of good news, some excitement about an event in his life. He'd left that desire behind a long time ago.

Reid remembered when he was a boy, and things hadn't yet changed so drastically. He'd always known she was different, but so had he been. Still, they'd had their own kind of bond, one that was mutually dependent in a way that usually only happens with age.

It had been a long time before the young Spencer had learned not to follow his childhood instincts, a long time before he'd learned not to seek comfort and attention where it could so inconsistently be found. It was that inconsistency that had kept the young boy trying for so long, until his older self gave up.

He'd always been rather solitary. His genius saw to that. But, until he'd given up on Diana, he'd kept some degree of outwardness about him. Some proclivity to share, a willingness to connect. One might have thought that his separation from Diana, when he'd had to commit her to Bennington, would have freed him. That it would have allowed him the chance to find his connectedness with others. But it hadn't. He was already too different from those around him, too inwardly focused, too isolated.

It was the BAU that had changed him. His first sustained, 'normal' relationships, even if they evolved around the catching of serial killers. He was part of a team, it wasn't acceptable to work in isolation. He _had_ to form relationships, if only to get the job done. And slowly, gradually, those relationships changed him, and he began to find within himself a new, more mature Spencer Reid who was defined, in part, by those relationships.

But then he'd begun to lose those connections, one by one. First, the one with Gideon, who'd reminded Reid of his younger self. Alone, self-absorbed, brilliant, damaged. Gone.

Then, his relationship with JJ. So precious to him, it had seemed lost, and then found again. But it was changed, muted by her relationship with Will. Lesser.

And, now, the loss of Emily. In some ways, this had been his deepest connection, the one that had already been tried and tested by his addiction-flavored behavior. The one that had held. The loss of Emily had left a gaping hole in his interpersonal armor. It made him realize how vulnerable he'd allowed himself to become, that he should be so shattered by the loss of another.

Vulnerability led to pain. But it was also necessary for love. _How else could I have given Henry my heart?_

He thought back over the time since Emily had died, wondering how he could have gotten through it without the love of his godson. Or the ability to open up with JJ, to be so revealing of his sorrow. It was his vulnerability that made it possible. But it was that same vulnerability that made him so pitiable a subject, in the eyes of the Will LaMontagnes of the world.

_I don't know if it's good or bad, right or wrong. I don't know how I'm supposed to be. I don't know _who _I'm supposed to be._

And he definitely didn't know why he thought he might find some answers here, surrounded by the mentally ill. All he knew was that he needed to be with someone who'd known him all his life, who, at one time at least, had understood him. Who, he prayed, might understand him still.

She was wearing her usual heavy cable-knit sweater, an afghan covering her legs. Approaching her from behind, he could see her in her favorite reading position, curled against the arm of a sofa, in the sun.

Reid made his way soundlessly across the floor. From a few feet behind her, he cleared his throat, giving her the necessary warning that she wasn't alone.

"Hi Mom."

She startled and looked quickly up at him, taking a beat to process his image.

"Spencer! What are you doing here? Do you have another case?"

That hurt. Appropriately. For several years now, his contacts with her had revolved around cases. The first, when a former fellow patient had committed a series of murders and Diana had given them the clues they needed to find him. And then that time when he'd wrongfully suspected his father of murder. When Reid had tried to use Diana to give evidence against her husband. The case where she'd willingly gone off her meds and chanced her paranoia so she could put her son's mind at ease._  
_

_That's why I'm here. You're still in there, aren't you, Mom? Still being a mom, still trying to take care of me. I need you to take care of me now._

He hadn't answered her question yet. Not verbally. But she knew. She may not have been at her clearest, but she knew.

"What's wrong, Spencer? Tell me. I'm your mother."

* * *

He'd explained about Emily. Not everything. Not _how _it happened. Just that it had. That they'd been friends, and she had died.

Diana had taken it all in, studying her son's face carefully as he spoke. Then she sat back and stared out the window into Bennington's meditation garden.

"You lost your Uncle Daniel when you were four. Do you remember that?"

He'd flashed on it during that murder case that hadn't actually involved his father.

"Vaguely. I can picture it, and I can sort of remember you mentioning his name. But that's all. I don't even know how he was my uncle. Was he your brother?"

She gave a wistful smile. "I had long since been put of my family…what little I had. No, Daniel was your father's brother. His younger brother."

Funny. In all these years, he'd never even thought about his father's side of the family. As though William's rejection had been made on the part of all of them. Now he began to wonder about the Reids.

"What happened to him?"

Diana shook her head in pity. "It was so sad. So sad. They were so proud of him, and then…." Her voice trailed off.

"Then? Mom, what happened to him? How did he die?"

She looked directly at her son now. "He shot himself."

Reid was stunned. He'd thought mental illness only ran on one side of his family.

"He…. why? Did they know why?"

She shrugged. "It was conjecture. He'd been in graduate school….. he was so bright. Not as bright as you, of course. But very bright. He was getting his degree in physics. And then he just disappeared."

"Disappeared?"

"Yes. He was in school in…. Massachusetts…."

"MIT?"

"Yes, that's it. The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. He'd just been home for winter break, but then he'd gone back. Or so we thought."

"He didn't?" Reid was starting to feel like he was working a BAU case.

"Well, we don't know that, do we? The family thought he'd gone back. But he was found here, in the desert just west of here. It was so sad."

He didn't understand. "How did they find him?"

"A hiker found him, down in a canyon. He was dead. He'd shot himself."

"How? Was there a gun?" Still working the case.

As so often happened, Diana abruptly shifted gears. She was done with this voyage into memory.

"Well, of course, there must have been a gun. But, my dear Spencer, your Uncle Daniel's was the only death you experienced as a boy. It's no wonder you're having such a difficult time now."

She'd turned the conversation back to him.

"Don't deny it. I can see it. A mother knows when her son needs her. Come here, Baby."

It was the oddest thing, thought Reid. This hadn't happened between them in more than a decade. But it was as though Diana hadn't noticed the hiatus. She opened her arms, and he slid into them, just as he had when he was a boy, in those times between the bad ones.

In the moment, he forgot about Emily. He forgot about everything. Instead, he savored the feel of his mother's arms around him. So long absent, it had become something he no longer missed. Until now. Having been gifted with it again, the precious touch of his mother, he immediately began to rue the inevitable day when her embrace would disappear once again. So he held her tighter, and did his best to push away that certain future.

* * *

He visited her nearly every day for a week, taking measure each day of the brightness of her eyes, the cadence of her speech, the length of her wordless reveries, all measures of how successfully she was keeping her demons at bay. They walked the grounds, they talked, they read to one another. Toward the end of the week, Reid noticed the subtle signs, and then the not-so-subtle signs. She was beginning the backward slide.

"I'm sorry, Spencer," Dr. Norman sympathized. "But it was inevitable...you know."

Reid nodded. "I know. I should be grateful that she was so good for so long. I've never been this lucky with my timing before."

The psychiatrist smiled as he shook Reid's hand. "You're right, you were fortunate. You both were. Your mother is a great lady. And she is very proud of her son."

There was really nothing to do but go back to Virginia. He'd had over a week of soul searching. Of asking those deep, existential questions that all humans face at some point. The purpose of life, the necessity of death. He'd asked questions, but he hadn't found any satisfactory, profound answers.

_So much for those philosophy and theology degrees._

Life led inherently to death, love to loss. There was never one without the other. 

_So I guess we're just supposed to make the most of the time in between._

* * *

He came back a determined man.

For however long they had one another, he would do his best to protect those he cared about. If he was going to stay with the BAU…..the one, looming, unanswered question... he would be certain his colleagues could rely on him, in every aspect of the job. Even before he left Las Vegas, Reid arranged for a number of sessions on the FBI shooting range.

He also came back to a surprise. By plan, no one had told him.

His first day back to work, Reid exited the elevator and made his way to his cubicle. As he swung his messenger bag from his shoulder, his heart skipped a beat. There, on the desk that had so long been Emily's, was a pile of folders and an abandoned ball point pen. And the computer was booted.

His brain tempted him with the possibility that Emily had somehow, miraculously, returned. Or that maybe all the intervening time had simply been a nightmare, from which he was now awakening. But he knew better. And, knowing better, he felt himself getting angry.

_It's too soon! You can't just give her desk away!_

The words were still circuiting his brain when he heard her.

"Spence! You're back!"

Still holding the strap of his messenger bag, Reid spun around, to look behind him. There was JJ, smiling brightly.

If he was just waking, this was one very long dream.

"JJ? What are you doing here?"

She gave him a quick hug and then made her way around the cubicle wall to take the seat at her desk. _Emily's desk._

"I'm back. Rossi managed to get them to offer it to me….and I said 'yes'."

He was still trying to process it. "You're back. You're back? You're back!" A grin started to spread across his face, but stopped half-way to full. "But why are you at Emily's desk? What about your office?"

"I took the profiler test. I'm one of you now."

Brows up. "Really?"

"Really."

"I thought you didn't want to be a profiler. You always said you thought it was just as important to spend your time with the families."

"I know. I did. And I still do. But it wasn't an option. When Hotch didn't fill my position, it went the way of all things. There is no liaison position any more. And, as Rossi pointed out to me, I was pretty much already profiling in the process of picking our cases. So he suggested I go through the process and apply. I did, and…..here I am."

He couldn't believe it. He'd come back from Las Vegas ready to give her up completely. He'd concluded that he had to let her live her own life, and make her family, without him. He would toughen up, and not come crying to her doorstep week after week. And now, here she was, sitting at the desk next to his.

_If there's a message here, it's not exactly coming in loud and clear._

"Spence? Are you not happy to see me?"

He shook himself out of it. "Of course I am. I'm just… you just took me by surprise, that's all."

He should have been happy. He was happy. And he wasn't. 

_How can I give her up when she's an arm's length away?_

* * *

They were still standing down, still in an extended period of recovery after the loss of one of their members.

Hotch was still in Pakistan, with no concrete date for his return. Morgan was the temporary unit chief, helping to triage some of the paper cases the rest were consulting. But he most often busied himself with the task the FBI couldn't officially acknowledge. He was on the hunt for Ian Doyle.

Most often, he could be found holed up with Garcia in her lair or his office, evaluating some new piece of electronic detective work. JJ and Rossi carried the bulk of the consult work, while Reid busied himself with session after session at the firing range. They'd become a motley, disjointed crew who desperately needed something to pull them together before their bonds fell apart from disuse.

In time, that something came. A lead. It looked like they may have found Doyle, and they'd definitely found his son, Declan. Morgan alerted Hotch, who immediately started the long journey home.

By the time he arrived, much had happened. Much that would change all of their lives, in more ways than they could have imagined.

Declan was found, and then lost again. Doyle, too, was found, and fearful of what might be happening with his missing son. The operation mutated from one of vengeance against the man who'd killed Emily, to the rescue of his son. An innocent, caught in the tangled web of his father's life.

They had time for only a brief greeting before Hotch gave JJ the news she'd not wanted to hear.

"We need to bring her back. She's the only one who can turn Doyle. And it should be safe for her now."

"But…"

So torn. So divided. So glad that her great friend could return to the life she'd been living. So aware of the danger to the boy. So dreading the reaction when the others found out they'd been lied to. So not ready to lose one of the most important relationships of her life.

Hotch understood her dilemma because he shared it.

"It has to be this way."

* * *

And so it came to be that, after the team had been called together, after Hotch was welcomed back, after the status of the case had been reviewed… the unit chief made his announcement.

"It's time for you all to know something. You may have certain feelings about this, but I ask you to remember the situation at the time. There was simply no choice."

His eyes went to the hallway, and he gave a subtle nod.

It was enough to prompt all those at the table to turn around. Jaws dropped, eyes widened, hearts skipped their beats.

There, in the doorway, looking very much alive, and whole...stood their lost colleague.

There stood Emily Prentiss.


	41. Chapter 41

**Prelude**

**Chapter 41**

She stood there, looking tentative, worried, apologetic….alive.

Reid's mind wouldn't work. It wouldn't process the input to his visual cortex, nor acknowledge the synaptic connections that wanted him to believe that Emily Prentiss was standing in the doorway. For once, his genius brain operated less functionally than all the others in the room, testament to the turmoil within.

"Oh, my God!" Garcia's hand was at her chest.

"Emily!" Morgan shouted as he rose so fast he knocked his chair over backwards.

David Rossi simply sat, a satisfied smile on his face, while Seaver looked on, expressionless.

Morgan held Emily at arm's length, scanning her up and down, to convince himself. "It's you….you're…..here? You're alive!" He pulled her into a bear hug, and she melted against him.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Derek. I…"

Morgan released her, and stood aside to let Garcia have her turn.

Reid simply stared. _Emily is alive. Emily isn't dead. She's here. She's here. She's alive._

His natural instinct was to seek out JJ, to share this most amazing fact with her. To confirm what he was seeing.

And then….. then, his synapses began firing at better than mach speed. Because what he saw on JJ's face wasn't the expected look of shared surprise. What he saw there was the unexpected look of shared apology, and conspiracy.

_She's not shocked. She's not even surprised. She knew. She knew. She…._

He'd become so introspective in the moment that Reid didn't even notice as Emily made her way around the rest of the room, and now stood next to his seat. He was drawn out of himself only when he felt her touch on his shoulder.

"Reid…"

As emotional as Reid could be, he was also expert at shutting it down. From long years of practice as a boy, from having to think and act fast when his mother's symptoms cycled out of control, he'd learned to suppress his emotion. To act out of instinct and preparation, burying his inner turmoil until the time when it was safe to exhume it. He called on that skill, so long gone unused, now.

As expected of him, Reid rose, and turned, and opened his arms to Emily Prentiss. He felt her tight clasp around his torso, then felt it immediately slacken, as she reacted to his weak embrace. As they separated, he caught her concerned stare.

She opened her mouth to speak, but her words were silenced when Hotch urged them all back to work. So she simply walked to the other side of the table, and took her seat.

JJ watched it all through a film of tears, which she determinedly refused to shed. Hotch was right. They had to get back to work. A young boy's life was at stake. Tears wouldn't help him. Nor would they salvage one of the most important relationships of her life.

* * *

Doyle was so convolutedly evil that he had a network of enemies reaching into all parts of the globe. The sheer number of people who might have abducted Declan Doyle to compromise his father was intimidating even to Reid, and even with the computer wizardry assistance of Garcia. But they whittled their way through the list and narrowed it down to the person who seemed to be both the mostly likely, and the most unlikely, at the same time. Declan's mother.

Later, Reid would be shaken by what he'd done, by what he'd suggested. The plan that would save Declan…but cost Doyle his life. It wasn't his role on the team, let alone in life. He wasn't the one who directed the calculated risk. He was the one who made the calculations.

But, this time, it had been he who suggested using Doyle as bait, offering him in exchange for his son, even if the intention was never to actually give the man over. And the plan had reached one of its possible, if undesirable, outcomes. They'd recovered Declan, but lost Doyle.

At the end of the day, once they returned to Quantico, the team was in a completely uncharacteristic state of inertia. In any other circumstance, there would have been a celebration, the marking of a special occasion. One of their own returned to them, a young boy's life saved. But it felt strange, this time. Necessary, and yet, uncalled for. Not wanting to suggest it, yet not wanting to separate from the others, they all found themselves sitting at their desks, accomplishing nothing. Only two of them were actually engaged in a task….Hotch and Emily were in his office, trying to figure out how to reintegrate her with the team.

Finally, when they emerged, Morgan tried to rally the rest. He was as torn about it as any of them, but he knew their best chance was to get back to some version of 'normal' as quickly as possible. So he suggested that round of drinks that no one really wanted, but none wanted to decline. Except one.

"I…..no,thanks….I've got something to do. I'll pass." With the others getting ready to leave, Reid finally stood and started stuffing his messenger bag.

JJ and Emily shared a glance, each begging the other to get him to change his mind. And then, each sent the other a subtle shake of the head. This wasn't how they were going to reconnect. They needed to give him space.

Reid gave a generic "Have a good time," and hurried for the elevators.

* * *

He got off the Metro at the first stop inside the city limits, and walked the rest of the way home. He needed to feel the rhythmic percussion of his feet hitting the pavement to calm his racing thoughts, to feel the cool, fresh air replace the feeling of suffocation that had threatened to strangle him.

He'd been able to suppress them while heavily engaged in the task of saving the boy. But now the thoughts, and the images, and the feelings, kept coming at him in waves, each receding in turn, and then crashing back again on top of him.

_Emily is alive. Was alive. Was never dead. This whole time. She never died. Never. She's alive. She's alive._

Elation clashed with confusion, and then with hurt, and then rose back to full elation again. He knew he should be happy. He should be ecstatic. How many times did someone return from the dead? How often did the lost become found? But his heart wouldn't let him go there. Because there was another, competing, very dark shadow within it.

_JJ knew. I saw it in her face. She wasn't the least bit surprised to see Emily come through that door. She knew. And she didn't tell me. Not on the day she told us Emily had 'died'. Not on the day of Emily's funeral. Not the first time I came to her home and ended up crying about it. Not the second, nor the third. Not once. Not ever. Never.  
_

He should have been angry. Someone else might have been enraged, to have been allowed to suffer so much grief for no reason. But he couldn't quite get there. This was JJ. She loved him, and he loved her. She was the best friend he'd ever had. She wouldn't have done something she knew would hurt him. Would she?

_Do I not understand friendship at all? Have I gotten it wrong all this time? Or is it just her I've not understood? Have I misread her, all this time? Did I mistake tolerance for friendship? Did I read an absence of mean behavior as love?_

_Have I fallen prey to the beautiful woman once again?_

The loud honk of a horn startled him, and Reid realized he'd been about to walk into the path of a delivery truck. He'd been so distracted by his thoughts that he'd not paid attention to where his feet were taking him. Now, he looked at his surroundings and didn't recognize a single landmark.

_I'm lost. I'm so lost._

* * *

"Are you sure this isn't an imposition? Really, I can always go to a hotel."

"Emily, you just got back from the dead. You don't have a place to live any more. The least I can do is offer you our guest room. Will won't mind at all."

_Once he gets over the shock._ She hadn't had time for a lengthy phone call, and a short one wouldn't do, for something like this.

The 'celebration' at the bar had been muted, and aborted shortly after it had begun. Each participant had sported a smile, but it was forced, and insincere. It felt like there were two camps among them, those who'd known, and those who hadn't. And their missing member, and how he'd seemed before he left them, troubled them all.

The soft glow of a night light coming from his bedroom window told JJ that Henry was already down for the night. _Thank goodness!_ She would be able to break the news to Will without Henry witnessing his reaction.

By plan, Emily hovered on the porch while JJ went inside. Better to tell him first, rather than startling him with the vision of a 'ghost'. As she waited, Emily found herself listening for a shouted response, or an angry word at the secret JJ had been keeping from the father of her child. But nothing came, until JJ opened the door, and invited her inside.

She had trouble reading the expression on Will's face, but his voice was civil enough.

"Emily…..welcome back."

She gave a wry smile. "Thanks. And….I'm sorry."

He shrugged. The loss of Emily Prentiss hadn't been as personal for him. His main concern had been JJ, and how it affected her. And, then, Spencer, and how it was affecting him. And how Spencer's grief was affecting life in the Jareau-LaMontagne household.

"No need. I know JJ is just glad you're back. Maybe now things can get back to normal around here. Right, Cher?"

Emily didn't understand, but felt somehow responsible. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to cause problems for you at home."

She looked from Will to JJ, and back again.

"No worries, you didn't. It's just that we had a lot of company over the past few months."

Emily furrowed her brow in confusion, looking to JJ for an explanation, catching the tail end of a glower sent in Will's direction.

"He means Spence. He was…..he had a hard time with it. I was worried about him, so I invited him over."

Will wasn't put off by the glower. Now that it seemed like the siege was over, he let out his resentment about it. "And over, and over…"

"Stop, Will. He was hurting, and he doesn't have anybody else."

The New Orleans ex-pat just shook his head and started out of the room. "I'll leave you two to catch up. I'm goin' to bed."

* * *

Thirty minutes later, they were sitting in front of a fire, a bottle of wine on the table in front of them.

"It's so good to have you back." JJ's smile was genuine this time.

Emily returned it. "It's good to be back. But, seriously, JJ, tell me. Did my being …..away…. cause you problems at home?"

JJ stared into the fire for a while before answering. "Not really. Not directly. It's just that Spence was so devastated by it… and I couldn't let him go through it alone."

"And Will resented it."

JJ nodded. "He was okay at first. But it went on for a long time, and Will lost patience. But I couldn't just abandon Spence."

Emily shook her head, sorrow and guilt competing within.

"I should have come back as soon as I was healthy. I shouldn't have let it go on. I shouldn't have let _you_ carry the burden."

JJ smiled her gratitude at her good friend's intent.

"Well, you're right about one thing. It wasn't your decision, at the beginning. It was made for you. And it was the right one. We didn't know where Doyle was, and we couldn't risk him coming back to finish you off. But you're wrong about the rest. You couldn't have come back. It still wouldn't have been safe. Not until we had Doyle."

"But….. but I should have insisted that you tell the others. That you not have to keep the secret from them."

JJ shrugged. "That decision was made way above either of our pay grades. Above Hotch's too, I think."

Emily wasn't placated. "It wasn't a state secret. It was _my_ life, and I should have taken control of it."

This was the attitude JJ had missed so much. The common sense questioning of the non-sensical exercise of authority. It was pure Emily, and it was so good to hear it again. JJ couldn't help but smile.

"I have so missed you, my friend. Welcome back."

* * *

Both women awakened with a throbbing headache, and a dry mouth, perhaps due to the two and a half bottles of wine they'd finished off before stumbling away to bed. But, if they'd been trying to forget, it wasn't working.

As they prepared to head out to the BAU, each remembered the rest of their conversation from last night:

"Are you worried about him?"

For reasons even she didn't understand, JJ feigned confusion. "Will?"

"Reid. Are you worried about him? About how he'll react?"

It was the thing she couldn't discuss without losing her much-valued control. The thing that would cost her the most. JJ knew she had to answer, but she took a long time to gather herself before doing so.

"I've resigned myself to it, I guess. I know he'll hate me. I let him suffer for so long, without saying anything. I wanted to, so badly. God, I wanted to. I wanted to kiss him and make it all better, and find my happy Spence in there again. But I didn't."

It almost sounded maternal, but it wasn't. Emily heard what was said as well as what was held back. There was something deeper here. But she wasn't sure that JJ was aware of it.

"JJ…"

JJ didn't allow the interruption. Once the flow of words began, she couldn't restrain them.

"I didn't think I could keep it up. I begged Hotch to take over, or to let me tell him. But Hotch convinced me it wouldn't be safe. That if anything happened to you because we'd told…well, we'd never be able to forgive ourselves. And Spence wouldn't forgive us, either."

"And now you're worried that he won't forgive you anyway."

JJ started to crumple at that, and put her hand over her face. "I'm sure he won't. And he'd be right. I wouldn't deserve it."

Emily reached out and brought JJ's hand back down. Still holding it, she said, "He will. You did what you felt like you had to do. He'll be angry, but he'll get it. And, eventually, he'll get over it. He loves you, JJ. He won't want you gone from his life."

JJ smiled through tears. "God, I hope you're right."

Emily returned the smile, even as she uttered a rare prayer.

_Please, God, let me be right. I know You and I don't always see eye to eye. But, please, let me be right._


	42. Chapter 42

**A.N. Taking a few minor liberties again, including with the famous argument, because I never did like the ending of it. I thought it left JJ looking like the injured party. And she wasn't.**

* * *

**Prelude**

**Chapter 42**

Both female profilers breathed a sigh of relief when they entered the BAU and saw that Reid's messenger bag was on his desk. It wouldn't have surprised either of them if he'd called out, still not ready to deal with Emily's return, and all that it meant about what had come before.

But what they didn't see was Reid. Anywhere.

Emily tried to keep it light. "All right. Let me see if I've still got it. His bag is here, so _he's_ probably here. And his mug is missing, so he probably has it with him."

Morgan had come up behind them as Prentiss was speaking, understanding immediately the topic of conversation.

"That's not profiling, Princess. That's 'detecting'."

"Hmph. I was just getting to the profiling. Our subject is an intellectual, and a speed reader. Who else would need to use a bag to carry the books he can read in a single day?"

"Okay, go on." Morgan was smiling. Like everyone else, he'd missed Emily. And this kind of intelligent banter was so characteristic of the exchanges they'd had before.

"His mind goes a thousand miles a minute, in every conceivable direction. For him, it's not an issue. But to allow him to interact with us mere mortals, he uses hefty doses of caffeine daily, to help him stay focused, so he can talk to us about one thing at a time."

Now Morgan laughed. "Yeah, I've always wondered what it would be like to be inside Pretty Boy's head. I think I'd get lost in the first ten seconds."

Prentiss smiled superiorly. "Bet I could go fifteen. Regardless, that leads us back to the vessel that holds the caffeine. Which is, as I said, missing."

Just as they all turned toward the coffee bay to look for the missing genius and his coffee mug, Garcia rushed in from the corridor.

"Oh, good, you're all here. Emily, have I said enough about how glad I am to see you? You have no idea how much we've all missed you, and…"

"Baby Girl, I think she gets it. I think she got it after the twentieth time you told her yesterday."

Emily smiled. "He's right, PG. And I missed you all every bit as much as you missed me."

Morgan wasn't so sure of that. After all, unlike the rest of them….well, most of the rest of them…., Emily had lived with the comfort of possibly seeing them again one day. But, for all his hotheadedness, he was also a practical man. None of them could change the choices that had been made regarding Emily's disappearance. Any pain they'd been through was over. All they could do now was to move forward. And he wasn't about to make his good friend feel bad about being alive.

"Well…humor me. I might have to say it another twenty times. Oh! I almost forgot why I came. Hotch wants us all in the conference room. Five minutes."

"We have a case?" Morgan was surprised they'd be assigned something so soon after having lost a prisoner in custody. Usually there was a stand-down, and a debriefing.

"Not that I know of. And I would know." Garcia hurried off upstairs, to advise Rossi.

Emily started looking around, uncertain. JJ saw, and understood her predicament.

"I'm so sorry, Em. They gave me your desk. Why don't you put your stuff in my drawer, for now. I'm sure Hotch has got it worked out."

Not at all sure, actually. They still weren't sure Emily would be welcomed back to the Bureau, let alone to the BAU. But maybe that's what Hotch would tell them at the meeting.

"So, we still haven't figured out where Reid is. Should we go look for him?"

Emily had been joking before, but now there was a hint of worry in her voice.

Morgan heard it. "I'll take a look in the men's room. If he's not there, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later. Long as Pretty Boy has his coffee, he's all right."

But even Morgan had noticed Reid's demeanor since Emily's surprise return. And he'd read it correctly. His young friend was struggling with this. And, while Morgan had found his own way to reconcile with it, the more senior profiler didn't blame his younger colleague at all.

_Maybe he's not all right. Maybe it will be a long time before any of it is all right._

But he wouldn't say any of that aloud. "You ladies go on ahead. I'll be right behind you."

Morgan headed off in the direction of the rest rooms while JJ and Emily shared a look.

"He's upset, too." Despite his attempts at normalcy, Emily had been able to read Morgan.

JJ acknowledged it. "But he'll make the adjustment. Sounds like he's making it already. It's Spence I'm worried about."

* * *

Reid was at the meeting. He'd been in the conference room all along, a pile of files in front of him, his trusty coffee mug at his side.

As they entered, he nodded a greeting at Morgan and Garcia, but kept his eyes from the two female profilers.

_So that's how it's going to be._ JJ realized it was his way of avoiding them. Of avoiding _her._

Hotch entered the room on the heels of an annoyed-looking David Rossi.

"Good morning." He looked around the table, acknowledging each of them as he did so, smiling when he got to Emily. "I have some news to give you, and then we will need to discuss an important matter that's come up."

Heads turned around the table. Only Rossi seemed to have been forewarned.

"Firstly, Ashley Seaver has accepted a transfer. She will reassign immediately to Andy Swan's unit."

She'd been away from the team for a while, but this made it permanent.

Hotch addressed the next logical question. "I've put in the paperwork to reinstate Emily, but there was some pushback. Not unexpectedly, bureaucracy intervened."

"Always does, when the agent in question is dead." Rossi tried to inject some humor into the situation.

There were small smiles around the table, but no laughter. It really wasn't a laughing matter. Not yet, anyway. Maybe not ever.

Hotch continued. "So, for now, Emily's position is in limbo. But there's a more pressing matter."

Looks exchanged again. More pressing than acknowledging their 'dead' agent as alive?

"The team has been summoned before the congressional committee that provides oversight to the investigative agencies. The one chaired by Senator Cramer."

Now widened eyes around the table. Cramer had a reputation of trying to use his committee position to make a name for himself.

"Why, Hotch? What do they want?"

It was the first time Reid had spoken since they'd convened, and it gave JJ the chance to look at him without it seeming intrusive.

His eyes were more darkly-rimmed than usual, and he looked exhausted_. _

_I'll bet you didn't sleep at all. That makes two of us. Maybe three. _

She chanced a glance at Emily as well.

"They want an accounting of the Doyle case. Apparently they want to know why it was handled the way it was."

"The way it was? What does that mean?" Morgan was sounding defensive already.

"A prisoner in our custody was killed," answered Hotch. "They want to know why."

Emily narrowed her eyes at her former, and would-be, boss. "You're not telling us everything."

Some of the air went out of the unit chief. "Section Chief Strauss has been in touch with the committee. They want to know why we used Ian Doyle as bait."

None of the rest of them looked at him, not wanting to be obvious. But it had been his idea, and he'd encouraged the rest to go along. Now, Reid looked stricken at the thought of having put his team at risk.

When he spoke, JJ thought she would burst with conflicting emotions. Pride, at the thought that he would sacrifice himself. And horror, at the same.

"Let them talk to me, then. The rest of you don't need to be there. The whole team shouldn't have to pay for a decision I made."

Morgan wasn't having it. "We all made that decision, Kid. You couldn't have made us go along if we hadn't wanted to."

Several of the others murmured their assent before Hotch called them to order again.

"As far as I'm concerned, it was a team decision, and the team will meet with the congressional committee. They've subpoenaed the case records as well, so I hope you were thorough in your documentation. We have two days to prepare for our testimony."

He looked about to close the meeting, so Garcia felt compelled to ask. "Sir, what about Agent Prentiss? What about Emily?"

"I've requested reinstatement, but been told it's on hold, pending the outcome of the subcommittee hearing."

"So I'm in limbo?" asked the agent in question.

"You're in limbo," agreed Hotch.

Sitting across from her, Reid thought, _'how appropriate'_.

* * *

They were being called in one by one, each made to sit before the committee individually.

_If this room is designed to be intimidating…..it's working_, thought JJ as she moved down the aisle. She took her designated seat at a table that was a full four feet lower than the dais at which sat the members of the committee. By design, the witness was forced to look up at her interrogators.

Hotch had instructed all of them to cooperate fully. But JJ was sure that at least one of them intended otherwise. From his comments at the team meeting, she was sure Reid was determined to fall on his sword, to take the blame for all of them.

Even if he believed Hotch when the unit chief declared all of it as a team enterprise, and a team decision, Reid might decide to sacrifice himself. JJ felt responsible for that. Despite the fact that he'd eschewed all interaction with her since Emily's return, JJ could see he wasn't himself. He was acting out of emotion, not reasoned thought. And, she was sure, that emotion was telling him he had nothing left to lose.

So she'd made up her mind to do anything she could to mitigate any damage Reid might do to himself before the committee. Every sentence would include a 'we', or an 'us'. The plan had been a joint one. No one had acted individually. She would make certain the committee members wouldn't go after any single one of them, and especially not her best friend. Her former best friend.

The moment Senator Cramer started in with his interrogation, it was apparent he intended this as a hostile exercise. His language was harsh, his tone harsher. JJ felt attacked, her confidence momentarily shaken. But she eventually found her poise, and answered each question truthfully, and purposefully, parrying any intimation of collusion or failure to respect the chain of command.

Outside the chamber, the others were gathered in the hallway, anxious for JJ, as well as for their own turns before the committee.

Reid paced back and forth between the doorway to the chamber and the bench on which several of the others sat. He'd not spoken a word to JJ since Emily's return, but that didn't mean she wasn't foremost in his mind.

"Why is it taking so long? What can they be asking her? They can't put this all on her. Doyle was my fault. It was my idea."

Emily tried to assure him, even as she filed his words away to share later on with JJ. Her younger female friend had been distraught ever since 'the return', devastated at having lost her relationship with Reid. But, Emily knew, his words had just belied his continued caring about JJ.

_My dear, dear friends, neither of you may realize it yet, but you still love each other. All I have to do is make sure you don't do anything to screw it up until you figure it out._

Morgan, next in line, was standing at the door when JJ exited.

"You okay, Blondie?"

She gave him a grim smile. "Still standing."

To Reid, she looked shaken. But, rather than see to her himself, he turned to Garcia. "You should make sure she's all right."

Penelope had her own thoughts and feelings about the deception. She'd had Morgan's support all through the period of Emily's death, and now, through the news of the deception. It may not have been a welcome experience for her but, unlike for Reid, it wasn't isolating.

She sympathized with her genius friend, at the same time that she understood how it must have been for JJ. She wasn't about to take sides in the dispute. If Garcia had her way, she would love both of them back together.

"Or you could."

Reid just gave her a look and walked away. _No, I couldn't. I don't know that I ever can again._

By the time it was Reid's turn before the committee, he'd worked up a head of resentment. Hotch saw it and intercepted him before he could enter the chamber.

"It was a team decision, Reid. No matter what you think, it was made by all of us. I would never have let you carry out a plan I hadn't approved."

Reid stared at Hotch, taking it in. Knowing that what he was about to do could end his tutelage under a man he admired more than he acknowledged.

In just those few seconds, his mind replayed every aspect of his relationship with his unit chief. The initial uncertainty about his youth, and his genius. The wisdom in seeing how pathologic his idolization of Gideon had become. The patience in cultivating his social skills. The mentoring in every aspect of the work, encouragement when he was on track, gentle redirection when he was not.

He didn't trust his voice, but he knew he might not be given another chance to say it.

"Thanks, Hotch. For everything."

* * *

"I don't know what Reid said in there, but Cramer was pissed." Emily was recounting her own experience before the committee. "So I did my best to draw his attention back to what went right, and to remind him….to remind all of them….that they should be glad they've got people like you all to step in when no one else will."

They were gathered in the round table room, awaiting word from their Section Chief. According to Strauss, the future of this particular BAU team lay in the committee's hands. Reid had excused himself to "take care of some urgent consults" on his desk.

"How urgent can they be if you're about to be fired, Pretty Boy?" But Reid had simply ignored Morgan's remark and left them.

"People like 'we' all." Rossi corrected Emily's statement.

"People like we all?" Emily didn't follow.

Rossi explained. "You said it was people like 'you all' who stepped in. You forgot yourself. My money's on the team being exonerated. And the better money is on you being reinstated."

"From your mouth to God's ear," added JJ.

Moments later, Reid reentered the room ahead of Hotch and Strauss, having been summoned by them as they passed by. Erin Strauss looked pained by her news, but delivered it without rancor.

"The committee has its reservations. But it can find no cause for indictment at this time. You are free to resume your duties. And Agent Prentiss will be offered her old assignment, should she choose to accept it."

They all turned in the direction of their lost, and then found, colleague.

Emily beamed. "Let me see…yes!"

Her statement was met with applause. She made the rounds of the team, embracing each in turn, until she got to Reid. He eschewed her arms, muttering a quick, "Congratulations" before turning aside and moving himself apart.

He mused on the paradox of it. Here he was, surrounded by the people who'd been so much a part of his life. The people who had pretty much_ defined_ his adult life.

And yet, in this room full of people, he'd never felt more alone.

* * *

Their first call-out took place two days later. Women being killed in Oklahoma, acid being used in assaults on their sense organs.

_How strange are our lives, that we're happy to be chasing a serial killer?_ But, JJ knew, the case represented a return to normalcy for them, after over half a year of living lives that had been marked more by a hesitant uncertainty than anything else.

As Hotch made his assignments, JJ tried not to cringe when she heard her name paired with Reid's. Instead, she looked a smile at him, as she so often had in the past. In those days when he would accept those smiles, and even return them. Now, her eyes were met with an averted glance, and an attempt to ignore.

She'd talked it over with Emily. "He hates me. I knew he would, and I was right. I don't see how we can work together again. I know he won't want to."

Emily knew better, but she could see that her colleagues had a long way to go before they'd be able to see it.

"He _does_ want to, JJ. He's just hurt. Understandably so." When she saw the guilt enter JJ's features as it had so often since the return, Emily hastened to add, "Not that you could have done anything about it. You couldn't have. I know you wanted to. And he'll know it, too. You just need to give him time."

JJ didn't see it that way. "He's not just hurt, Em. He's _shaken_. He trusted me. If anybody should know how hard it is for him to trust, it should be me. And I didn't honor his trust. I betrayed it."

"JJ, you didn't betray anything. You had direct orders, and you followed them."

"I could have disobeyed them. Right? I could have decided his need was more important than my obedience. But I didn't. I didn't because…"

"Because you didn't want to put me in danger. JJ, whether or not you think you did the right thing, you did it for the right reason. Reid will get that. He's emotional now, but when his logic kicks back in, he'll get it. Just hang in there, okay?"

A small, sad smile on her face, not believing Emily at all, JJ just nodded. "Okay."

* * *

The conversations with Will had been far less encouraging. He'd been angry with her for not sharing what she knew about Emily.

"What, is it because we're not technically husband and wife that you get to keep this kind of secret? Huh? Well, whose fault is it that we're not married?"

There had been a few ugly exchanges like that one. But then Will had become aware of the rift between JJ and Reid, caused by the same lack of honesty. And now it didn't seem like such a bad thing.

"He doesn't trust you. Is that what you're saying? After all the time you've spent together, you'd think he would trust you enough to know you did it for a good reason. I thought he was supposed to be such a great friend. Isn't he happy that Emily's alive? Isn't he happy that what you did helped her? Hell, you'd think he'd be grateful for everything you did for him. You didn't need to have him slogging over here every week, crying on your shoulder. He's a goddamn idiot. A goddamn genius idiot."

JJ knew her relationship with Will was in trouble, and had been for some time. They'd shared less and less, argued more and more. He'd been so well-intentioned when he'd given up his job with NOPD and moved to DC. But, apart from their relationship, and apart from the supreme joy of Henry, he'd been unhappy. He'd felt like a fish out of water, never quite melding with the lifestyle of the cosmopolitan north. For several years, he'd been lobbying for a move back to New Orleans, to a lifestyle, and an extended family, that he thought would be best for him, and for his son. And, while he knew it would require an adjustment on JJ's part, he felt certain she could make it.

Months ago, the arguments had been about how often Reid was present in the home they shared together, even if it was at her invitation. How often he seemed to intrude on their relationship. Will couldn't help but wonder how much Reid intruded on his own place in JJ's heart, even if she was in denial about it.

Now, the arguments were over how Reid was treating JJ. Will felt a glimmer of hope that the rift between the two best friends might somehow redirect her attention back to her domestic life. That a diminished attachment to Reid might free her to make a decision to move.

JJ was more torn than she could ever remember in her life. Will seemed to take her side in these arguments that he started. He seemed to defend her actions, even when she found them indefensible. He was on her side, when Reid was not. 

_Why isn't that a good thing? Why am I not happy about it?_

But she _wasn't_ happy. If anything, she felt defensive of Reid each time Will started in on him. But she was wise enough to hold her tongue. She wasn't about to fuel a feud between her best friend and the father of her child.

That was increasingly how she thought of Will. As 'the father of her child' and not 'her boyfriend'. The part of her that coined phrases had already moved on. This relationship, as unhealthy as it was, couldn't continue indefinitely.

But there was Henry. Her son. Will's son. Spence's godson.

_How can I break off a relationship with Henry's father when the one with Spence is so broken? How can I ask Henry to deal with such a trauma without Spence?_

* * *

In the end, and with the encouragement of Emily, she'd decided she wasn't going to let Reid go. Not easily, anyway. There was a painful conversation in their future, and she would do her best to get them there, no matter how much, and how often, he rebuffed her.

JJ couldn't help but wonder if Hotch had planned it. If he'd seen what she'd seen. That there was a wall between them. 

_No, not a wall. A moat…..filled with dangerous things. But we have to cross it. Maybe Hotch wants us to get to the other side as well._

She pushed him at every opportunity. As they walked along the probable route of the most recent victim. As they profiled the scene where the body was dumped. And then, most notably...and publicly….at the police precinct. She was open, and direct, asking to talk about it. _Begging_ to talk about it.

He turned her away every time. He changed the subject, he deliberately ignored her, he turned away her meaningful glances. Finally, when she chased him into an office, he could ignore her no longer.

"There's nothing to talk about."

If he'd said anything at all to her, it had been that. Denying it altogether. Avoiding it altogether.

_Not again, Spence. It has to stop now. We have to get past this._

So she pushed him, with something she was sure would get a response.

"You know what I think? I think you're upset that you didn't pick up on our microexpressions."

If he'd been less emotional, he wouldn't have reacted. He would have evaluated the logic of it, and known she didn't mean it. But she'd been at him all day, pecking at him, picking at him, putting chinks in his defensive armor. He _was _emotional. He'd been emotional for weeks, with no outlet except the unresponsive furnishings of his apartment, no comfort except the pillows that absorbed the tears he sometimes shed.

Without planning, he launched into the first non-work-related words he'd uttered to her since Emily had returned. He reacted to her accusation, and launched his own. He'd trusted her. He'd cried to her, for weeks on end. He'd hurt. And she'd known. And she hadn't thought to ease his pain.

Unlike Reid, JJ could see the others outside the room, able to hear their raised voices. The part of her that had been brought up to keep things private fought with the part of her that knew this needed to come out. And the need to take advantage of Reid's penetrated defenses trumped all.

_I don't care if they're watching. It's too important._

But she was also defensive herself. He'd spoken the truth. The one she'd chastised herself with time after time. But it hurt more, coming from him. And so she parried it.

"I couldn't."

"You couldn't? Or you wouldn't?"

It was the crucial thing, after all. The mandate versus the volition. And, even though she knew there was really no difference, JJ gave her answer. "I couldn't."

In the middle of the argument, Reid realized he'd allowed himself to be sucked in. That's how clouded he'd been by his emotion. That he hadn't recognized it at the beginning. That he'd already shouted back at her before he'd even realized. And now, still not in control, he sent the barb he knew would hurt. The thing that had probably frightened him the most. Because it was true. It hadn't happened when Emily had been declared dead. It had happened when she'd returned. When he'd felt like everything he'd known and trusted had been a lie. When he'd wanted so desperately not to think about it every waking minute.

"What if I'd started taking Dilaudid again? Would you have let me?"

She'd not been ready for that. Hadn't even thought of it. _You idiot!_

"Spence! You didn't…" _Please, God, tell me you didn't._

But he didn't tell her anything. He just stood there and silently looked his hurt at her, and then turned and walked away.

* * *

_Why am I the problem? Why am I the thing that needs to be solved?_

Hotch had taken him aside after the eruption with JJ. "If you need to be angry with someone, be angry with me."

_He doesn't understand. None of them do._

He knew Hotch and Rossi had concocted some sort of hokey team-building exercise to take place when the case was over. They were all supposed to show up to Rossi's, take some sort of cooking lesson, and then kiss and make up over bad pasta. Emily was pushing him on it now. She'd maneuvered the post-case discussion so that she could bring it up.

"Are you coming?"

He'd shrugged, not wanting to get into another argument. "I don't know if I can make it."

But she'd pushed again. "Come on. Won't you come?"

"We'll see."


	43. Chapter 43

**Prelude**

**Chapter 43**

"Well, if it's a party, why aren't spouses invited?"

"Will, you'd be the only one there who's not on the team." _Also, you're not a 'spouse'_. "And besides, I think Hotch wanted this to be a way for us to come back together. Remember, we were pretty scattered for a few months."

She knew it was more specific than that. She knew Hotch was concerned about how all of them were reacting to the whole deception about Emily, and how they would manage to reintegrate. She also knew that it wasn't just Emily who'd felt separated from the team. Having the knowledge, but keeping it secret, had separated JJ and Hotch from the rest as well. There was a lot of territory for all of them to traverse.

JJ understood all these things about tonight's gathering at Rossi's. What she didn't understand was why in the world Hotch thought it would work.

_It's so….staged. So artificial. So blatant. It doesn't seem like Hotch at all._

Most of her didn't want to go. She'd nearly lost her composure after her ill-fated attempt to talk it out with Spence, and still felt on the edge of control. Usually she managed to keep her cool in public by allowing herself to let it out in her private moments. But there hadn't been enough private moments in this day. She'd had to pick up Henry on the way home, and knew, from the after effects of one of her arguments with Will, how frightened Henry became if he saw his mother crying.

She was also determined not to break down again in front of Will, who had already demonstrated his willingness to blame Reid for any upset on JJ's part. She wasn't about to share, with her boyfriend, any part of her argument with her best friend.

Will didn't seem to understand…or maybe he just didn't want to understand….that she wasn't willing to give up on her relationship with Reid. 

_Unless Spence wants to give up on me_.

But, increasingly, she'd begun to wonder if she needed to give up on her relationship with Will.

_He thinks he's being supportive of me, but it's only out of jealousy of my friendship with Spence. And yet, he's not supportive when it comes to my job, or my life in DC. It feels like he's rooting for this picture he has in his mind of the perfect family unit. But he's not rooting for me. And he doesn't seem to get that he can't have one without the other._

It seemed like every part of her life now was about what separated her, and every love in her life was conditional.

Save one. The littlest person in her life seemed to have a heart bigger than all of the rest. JJ nearly broke down when she bent to say good night to Henry, and found herself bound in the tightest bear hug his little arms could manage.

_Empathic Henry. My Henry. I love you so._

Armed with a new infusion of unconditional love, JJ set out to endure the evening at Rossi's.

* * *

JJ wasn't the only one who questioned why Hotch had insisted Rossi invite them all over for a cooking lesson.

But the senior profiler knew his team well. He knew they'd find the exercise obvious, ridiculous, pat. But he also knew the message would come across clearly. They weren't going to close the gaps between them with something so simple. It wouldn't be so easy. It would require a lot of interior work on all of their parts, and a facing of hard truths. And, if they valued their work as a team, they were going to have to find a way to make it happen, because he couldn't do it for them.

All he really hoped to accomplish was the beginning of a new set of memories, ones acquired after the great divide, a set of interactions that didn't revolve specifically around serial killers, or the people who fell prey to them. An opportunity for conversations to begin.

But he worried that the member of his team struggling the most with the current situation, the person who most needed resolution, might not attend. That he was simply too hurt, and feeling too alienated, to force himself into a superficial social exchange with the rest. Hotch knew Emily had reached out to Reid already, and been rebuffed. If necessary, he would do his own reaching out.

He was only a few miles from Rossi's place when he received a text from Dave. All had arrived except Reid and JJ, who had called to say she was running late. Hotch considered it a moment, and then decided. He needed to press. He texted Reid.

NEED YOU AT ROSSI'S.

Just that. Purposely ambiguous, leaving Reid to wonder if this was about something more than a social occasion. Hotch trusted that the younger man's sense of duty would trump his resentment, and that he would, indeed, make an appearance tonight.

* * *

Hotch shrugged at Rossi. _You may as well go ahead and start_ was the non-verbal communication. Maybe he'd been wrong about Reid's response to his text. But at least JJ had finally arrived.

The others had been making pleasant small talk, trying not to notice that their youngest wasn't among them. Then, as Rossi called them to gather around his cooktop for their lesson, flashes of disappointment crossed their faces. They'd known it was a crazy gesture on Hotch's part. But they'd also seen it as an opportunity for each of them to demonstrate their commitment to moving forward as a team. Now, they weren't at all sure about Reid's commitment.

As he began, none of them could help but smile. Whether it was the readership of his books, or those catching his many television interviews…..or even if it was just most of his team, gathered together in his gourmet kitchen….Dave Rossi loved an audience. He began his cooking lesson with his usual flourish and good humor, quickly engaging the rest. And the delicious aroma already rising from his saucepan didn't hurt.

He missed only a beat with his doorbell rang a few minutes into the lesson. None of his audience noticed because, in the same moment, each of them had run their eyes around the rest, sharing a reaction. Morgan recovered first, and offered to answer the door.

If prayers could come to fruition so quickly, the appearance of Spencer Reid seemed as if an answer to them. He followed Morgan into the kitchen, not sure what to expect. As soon as he took stock of the team gathered in the cooking lesson as planned, he shot Hotch a look. _You duped me._

Hotch simply shrugged. _You needed to be duped._

Reid may not have been relishing the idea of this gathering, but he hadn't completely given up on the team yet, and was still torn about whether to continue with it. He knew that an abrupt about-face on his part just now would put a nearly insurmountable obstacle between him and the rest, and he wasn't ready to do that. So, after a rapid-fire assessment of his options, he plastered a smile on his face and apologized for being late.

As had the others, JJ turned around to see Reid enter the room. Unlike the others, she quickly righted herself, turning back to face Rossi. She didn't see Reid's eyes settle on her. But she thought she might have felt them.

Hotch poured some wine and, now that they were all gathered, they toasted one another and clinked glasses, superficial smiles and 'cheers' abounding. Certainly, they'd celebrated as a team before. They'd socialized before. But never had it felt like this. Forced, formulaic, formal. The strangeness of it simply served to remind them that they weren't quite 'them' anymore.

Rossi continued with his lesson, and then encouraged them all to try cooking themselves. Reid quickly teamed up with Garcia, to avoid having to pair with either JJ or Emily, and also because he thought she was the least likely to challenge him. She hadn't witnessed the argument today, and she usually did her best to avoid conflict. He considered her his safest option. And he was almost right.

Their pasta was al dente, and their sauce nearly ready. Seizing the opportunity before they finished their dish, Garcia shot her partner a look.

"You can't avoid her forever, you know." Using her low register, so her voice wouldn't carry.

Reid feigned ignorance.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do, my baby genius. My sweet, little baby genius."

She didn't even try to resist the temptation to reach up and pinch his cheek.

"I know you're hurting. To tell you the truth, I'm kind of hurting, too. But I know my girl. And so do you. If she did something that hurt us, she did it because she didn't feel like she had a choice. And even if you think she _did_ have a choice, you have to know that it probably hurt her to keep the secret."

He didn't try to argue the point. Something told him that what he was hearing was wisdom.

"I'm listening."

"I know you don't want to just forget it. Neither do I. And neither, by the way, does JJ. This was a painful thing for all of us. For the whole team. We _need_ to remember it. We need to remember how it felt, so we won't hurt each other this way again. But we also need to get past it."

He swallowed. His subconscious had been giving him this argument for days. To hear it aloud was another thing entirely.

"How?"

She patted his chest. "You forgive, Boy Wonder. You don't have to forget, you just have to forgive."

Looking at him, she could see the words slowly seeping in, but the turmoil was still present in his face.

"It doesn't have to be tonight. Not if you're not ready. But you have to get there. For your sake, as well as hers. We all have to get there."

He nodded, not trusting his voice in the moment.

Later, when it came time to sample what they'd prepared, Reid took a few bites, and declared them delicious. But Garcia noticed that most of it stayed on his plate.

* * *

As the evening wore on, and the wine worked its way into them, the conversation seemed to flow more freely, the laughter sounded more genuine. Reid even became engaged in a debate with Morgan over which brand of athletic shoe was best on the basketball court.

"Pretty Boy, when have you ever even played hoop?"

"I don't need to play it, Morgan. It's all physics. I'm just stating facts."

Behind them, JJ was pretending an interest in perusing Rossi's bookshelves, trying not to think about how Reid had managed to avoid speaking directly to her all evening. How he'd been so obvious in pairing up with Penelope for the cooking lesson.

But then she heard his retort to Morgan, and it made her stop in place, a stabbing reminder of that first time they'd gotten together. The 'undate'. When he'd explained football to her as a process of physics. The pain in her heart was bittersweet, as was the memory of that day. Of the game, of the coffee shop afterwards. Of the hot chocolate, and all the hot chocolates that followed. And all the ones that never would, now.

She again felt the threat of the tears that so desperately wanted to be shed, and moved rapidly away before anyone could see. Passing the kitchen, she saw the mess they'd all left behind and decided she might as well busy herself with cleaning up. Rossi heard the water running and tried to shoo her away.

"That's what my cleaning lady is for. She'll be here tomorrow."

"It's all right, Dave. I'm just rinsing…I need….. I'd like to. Is that all right?"

The experienced profiler recognized his colleague's distress and sighed. This evening hadn't really accomplished anything. No one looked genuinely glad to be there, and JJ looked uncharacteristically fragile.

"Rinse away, my friend. Would you like some help?"

She tried to smile at the offer. "That's okay. You have hosting duties to attend to. I'm fine on my own."

He wasn't so sure about that, but he recognized a plea when he heard one, and decided to let her be.

* * *

The gathering started to break up around nine. Seeing that the others had begun leaving, JJ jumped at the opportunity to make a semi-graceful exit. She longed for the dark solitude of her car, and the much-needed privacy it would afford her.

"I can see I'm going to have to separate Spencer from my book collection," quipped Rossi as he nodded his head toward the corner where Reid was sitting, apparently engrossed in a book. The senior profiler held JJ's jacket for her as she put her arms through the sleeves.

"Patience, Cara. It will get better."

She could feel her face starting to crumple. With a quick hug and a hoarse, whispered, "Thank you," she exited into the night. The others shouted their 'good nights' to each other, while JJ simply waved at them on her way to her car. She'd arrived after most of them, and was parked near the end of the long driveway.

She'd been clinging so tightly to her composure all evening. All day, actually. Maybe all week_. Maybe all my life_, she thought, as she felt it start to escape her grasp. JJ was grateful for the mere sliver of moonlight that failed to reflect the tears that would no longer be stayed. The moment she was in her car, she dropped her keys in her lap, and, burying her face in her arms laid across the steering wheel, she wept.

* * *

"You can take it home with you, my friend. I don't charge late fees."

"Almost done. Just….." Reid's fingers ran so quickly down the pages that Rossi was fascinated just to watch him. Which he did, for thirty-seven pages.

"Sorry, I was just reading through this one case history." He looked pensive, as Rossi took the book from him.

"From my grandfather's medical textbook? What, is that going to be your next degree?"

"No," dismissed Reid, "it was just that I was thinking…." His eyes darted around the room, noticing for the first time. "Is everyone gone?"

"You didn't hear them all say goodbye to you?"

All but one.

"No! I would have…sorry, Rossi. I'm just not good at these things."

"These things?"

"Parties. Social gatherings. You know."

"Hmm. You know, a profiler might think you were trying to avoid certain….interactions, shall we say….by burying your head in a book at a party."

Reid knew better than to protest to the man who'd founded the BAU. Looking abashed, he apologized. "Sorry."

Rossi shook his head. "You don't need to apologize, Spencer. Feelings are feelings. We're human. We have them. We _all _have them," he added, with meaning. "But the good and the bad are the same. They all pass. Happiness comes and goes. But so does hurt. Don't hold on to the bad feelings, Spencer. When they're ready to be gone, let them go."

Reid looked at him for a long moment, taking it in. Then, with a sad smile, he nodded. "Thanks. Thanks, Rossi. Good night."

* * *

Every time she thought she was done, it started again. Every thought that came to mind triggered a fresh rain of tears.

_I have made such a mess of my life. The only thing right in it is Henry._

A new wave of grief broke over her, as she thought about how the decisions she'd made might hurt him. In her present state, with all of her defenses down, she'd had to admit to herself that her relationship with Will was, essentially, over. She'd realized they were hurting Henry with their arguments. Henry, perhaps the most important reason for them to stay together, was becoming the most important reason for them to live apart.

But that would cost her son the kind of relationship with his father that JJ had so wanted for the boy. As had Will. Henry was the innocent here. But he would be hurt nonetheless.

_But he already is being hurt. By me. And by Will. And now….now maybe he won't even have Spence._

And she started in again, pained by the loss of this most precious relationship in her life, and her role in ending it. 

_But I just didn't know what else to do!_

Caught up in her interior dialogue, JJ didn't notice the footsteps that passed by her car. Nor did she hear when they stopped, and then turned back. But she startled when she heard a knock on her car window.

Spence.

He motioned to her to roll down her window. She did so, even as she vainly tried to erase the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Don't drive like that."

It was all he said. Not, 'are you okay?' or 'what's wrong?'

She wouldn't look at him. Keeping her eyes glued to the wheel, she retorted, "Does it look like I'm driving?"

He waited a beat. "Fair enough. I just don't want you to get into an accident. So please don't drive until you're ready."

She felt bad…..again…..this time, about challenging him. "I won't."

"Good."

She hadn't looked up at him yet, but she had a sense he was still standing there, so she chanced a glance to her left.

"You can go now. I said I wouldn't drive until I'm ready."

He nodded. "I know. I'm not in a hurry. I can wait with you."

JJ rolled her eyes. _Can I never have any privacy? Really?_

"Spence….." She couldn't keep the break from her voice.

He hesitated, carrying on a rapid-fire internal debate. Then, in a move that was foreign to him, he ignored the debate and acted solely on emotion. Reid opened the car door and reached his hand down, inviting hers into it.

She looked up at him, and then down at his hand, caught off guard by what seemed a friendly gesture. It had been so long… JJ took his hand, and stepped from the car.

As soon as she was out, Reid dropped her hand and put both of his in his jacket pockets. He used his shoulder to motion her forward.

"Let's walk."

He didn't sound angry. Nor did he sound sympathetic. He just sounded like Spence, and he was talking to her. She would take it.

They started slowly down the long driveway, toward a grove of trees that obliterated most of the artificial light of the street lamps, letting only that sliver of moonlight through between branches. JJ kept her silence, not certain exactly what Reid intended.

He wasn't exactly sure what he intended either. He knew he couldn't see her that upset and not respond, especially when he knew he was the subject, if not the cause, of some of that upset.

_Does it mean the bad feelings are starting to pass, like Rossi said? Or that I'm ready to forgive?_

He didn't think he was quite all the way there yet. Just thinking about it raised his anxiety level. He loved her. He knew that. But he also knew that he wasn't so sure he could trust her. And that thought led to grief.

JJ glanced up at him periodically, and saw the uncertainty in his features.

"Spence?"

Gradually he slowed his steps further, and then came to a stop. When he turned to her, she could see the sorrow in his eyes.

"You hurt me."

The tears started again immediately, not giving her enough warning to try to stop them.

"I know I did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Spence. I didn't…..I'm sorry." She'd sobbed through the whole thing.

He wanted so badly to comfort her, but then they still wouldn't have gotten anywhere. So he chewed his cheeks for a moment, and then got out the rest of what had hurt him so badly.

"You didn't trust me. I trusted you, but you didn't trust me."

She shook her head. "No. That wasn't it. I trust you, Spence. I trust you with my life. I trust you with Henry's life. That wasn't it."

"Then what?"

"It….. I…." She stopped, not sure she knew how to express it. Trying to gain some control, she took a series of deep breaths, while she tried to collect her thoughts.

"All my life, I've been the kind of person who plays by the rules. I've been the good girl, the good student, the good daughter. Especially because they'd lost my sister, I promised myself I'd never be a disappointment to my parents. I don't think I ever have been. I hope not, anyway. And, now, ever since I've been with the FBI, I've been the loyal, faithful agent. The one who can be relied on. Sure, I can find a loophole along with the best of them, but I always play within the rules."

She paused for breath, and to make sure she still had his attention. It was hard to see his eyes in the dark, but she knew he hadn't moved a muscle.

"I know, it probably seems immature, right? Not the right way for an adult to make decisions. But it's who I am. Who I was, anyway. I even…."

She'd almost said she'd stayed with Will because of Henry, because of it seeming to be 'the right thing'. But, then again, she'd repeatedly turned the man down on marriage. 

_Maybe I am starting to learn how to play outside the rules...  
_

In any event, Will wasn't a part of this conversation. She redirected her words.

"So, when I was put under orders about Emily….. I obeyed them. I…..I understood the risk, if Doyle had found out. But, Spence, I promise you, it wasn't because I didn't trust you not to tell. It was because…. Because I am who I am. For better or worse. Worse, obviously."

She'd been earnest in her explanation, but her shoulders dropped at the end. It didn't sound good enough, even to her.

He lifted his head, obviously looking off over her shoulder, though she still couldn't quite see his eyes. After a while, he spoke.

"You saw how much I was hurting. JJ, I'd never been through anything like that. I didn't know how to handle it. I only knew that I needed… needed…..something. And I thought that something was you. I kept coming to you because you made me feel like there was a reason to hold on. And then….when I found out…..I lost that reason."

Her hands went to her mouth, and she was crying again. The dilaudid. That was when he'd thought about it. That's what he'd told her today. He'd thought about dilaudid when he'd lost the reason to hold on. But he'd never answered her question, when she'd asked, earlier.

"You didn't, did you? Spence, please tell me you didn't."

He shook his head. "I didn't. But I scared myself with it. If I'd had my hands on some…. I don't know what I would have done. I'd like to think I was strong enough to resist, but…"

"You are! You're so strong, Spence. How else could you have gotten through so much in your life?"

He gave her the saddest smile. "I had someone on my side."

That set her off again, this time in a wave so powerful that she couldn't stand. When he saw her start to bend, Reid reached forward and grabbed her. He pulled her in close, and she cried into her hands, her head against his shoulder.

It was minutes before the sobs subsided, and she brought her hands down. But Reid held on. JJ slid her arms around his back and the two stood there, in the dark, silent, for a long time.

Finally, Reid spoke. "I should have trusted you, too."

"What do you mean?" She made to move away so she could look up at him, but he held her in place.

"I should have trusted that you meant well. That you wouldn't have done what you did if you hadn't believed it was the only choice."

It was pretty much what Garcia had told him, and it resonated with truth.

She was still sniffling. "I understand why you didn't."

"Thanks."

For some reason, it made her smile. "You're welcome." This time, she did push away. She wanted to see his face, her eyes now accustomed to the dim light.

"Spence…I don't know if we'll ever get back what we had before but….for the record….it's what I want."

He smiled. _He smiled!_

And then he spoke. "I was just reading a book of Rossi's. One of his grandfather's actually. Did you know his grandfather was a doctor?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Well, apparently he was. And Rossi has a collection of his medical texts. And I was just reading about this one case history. It was about a man who kept having problems because his lung kept collapsing. They'd get it to reinflate, but within a few months, it would collapse again, and again. Do you know how they fixed it?"

She didn't respond. She was used to his rhetorical questions.

"They created adhesions. Scar tissue. The adhesions spanned the space between his chest wall and his lung, and stuck to both. The scar tissue kept the lung open. It was better than the tissue that was supposed to be there. It was thick, and strong. It couldn't be broken."

"And you think…"

"I don't know. But I think….I hope…. maybe, one day, we'll find out this is our scar tissue. Our adhesion."

The thing that would draw them more tightly together than they would have been without the chasm opened between them. The one they would still have to sew together, stitch by stitch.

"God, I hope you're right."

He didn't want to make any false promises. "We have a long way to go, JJ. I know where I want to get to, but I'd be lying if I said I was there already."

"I can wait. Patience is a virtue."

Rossi's wisdom now. It seemed their colleagues were, slowly but surely, knitting together the rift between them.

"But Henry can't wait. Will you come and see him this weekend?"

A wistful look on his face, Reid admitted, "I miss him."

"Rightly so. He's amazing, my little man."

"_Our_ little man." It was out before he thought about what he was saying. "Well, you know what I mean…."

She smiled now, fully, for the first time today. For the first time in many days. "I do. And you're right. _Our_ little man."

"Of course I'll come. I can take him to the park, if you'd like. That will give you and Will some time alone."

"Or I could come with you. Remember how much he likes it when we push him from both sides of the swing?"

She wasn't about to sully the progress they'd made by talking about her situation with Will. And, just maybe, being together with Henry would be a step toward healing in her friendship with Spence.

"Sounds good to me."

The energy of so much emotion finally released, they were both suddenly exhausted. By tacit agreement, they started walking back toward their cars, once again in the comfortable silence they'd so often shared in the past. When they reached her vehicle, JJ turned to Reid again and hugged him tightly, feeling his arms wrapping around her as well.

"Thanks for this. I think I might actually be able to sleep tonight."

He grinned. "Me too."

He opened the door of her car, and she started to get in, but then turned around and grabbed both of his hands and held them.

"Spence, I know this won't be easy. And I'm not expecting you to be suddenly all over it, or that we won't have our moments. But I do know that I'm committed. You're too important to me. My life is so much lesser when you're not in it."

He gulped at that. Even with all they'd shared in the past, she'd never quite expressed that to him. Nor had anyone else in his life.

When he found his voice, he responded. "I feel the same way, JJ. I'm in it for the duration, if you are."

She smiled again. And this time, in the glow of Rossi's outdoor lamp, he could see her eyes. That blue that was somehow the color of the sky and the sea at once. The eyes that so often left him unable to tell if he was floating or flying. All he really knew was that they made him feel weightless. And some of the burden of the last few weeks began to slide away. Some of it.

She was right. It wouldn't be easy. Nor would it be straightforward. Their path to healing would wind them through tragedy, and support, and peril, and caretaking, and even many ordinary, uneventful times of simply being together. But it would weave a plait between them that was strong, and enduring. All they had to do was to start out on it, to take those first steps. And so they had, together.

As the two young profilers finally pulled their cars out of his driveway, David Rossi smiled down from the darkened upstairs window that had provided him a bird's eye view of their parting. To him, it had looked friendly. Supportive. Maybe even loving.

Pleased, he pulled out his phone and texted a message to his friend Aaron.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

#######

FINIS


End file.
